Chapter Thirteen: Saints and Sailors

This is where I say I've had enough, and no one should ever feel the way that I feel now

Ellie

I felt so alone as I walked home last night, thinking about everything that I had to deal with. I let myself drown in tears, hoping and praying that I wouldn't bump into anyone I knew. I was slowly becoming another teenage statistic; a young, pregnant girl without the baby's father to support her. It wasn't that he left me, or denied his child, but that I wouldn't tell him; I couldn't tell him.

At first, I doubted Jay's ability to take care of any child, afraid that he would simply wave all responsibility off. But then I saw him with his sister and softened a little, almost confident that he would want to help. I even considered telling him, but his words made me abandon any notion of starting a family with him.

I cried myself to sleep that night, wondering if anything would get better. I felt physically sick at the thought that this is what my life would resort to. It would be just me and my baby, alone.

I didn't even wonder about the absence of my mother. I never looked for her or called her because I didn't want her to see me like this. It's funny how I took care of her while she was drinking, but I didn't want her to take care of me. I didn't want to have to explain myself to her; so I wouldn't. At least not right now. She was better, so I wanted to be better too. But I didn't know how.

When I woke up the next morning, I couldn't bear the pain. She still wasn't home, no one cared enough to call me, and I still wanted my father to hug me and tell me everything would be fine; like he'd never left.

Standing in the bathroom at nine am, I drew the razor across my skin and just watched the blood droplets form a puddle in the sink. I couldn't tear my eyes away from it. I wondered how I could revert to this pathetic way to deal with my pain. I'd been so strong before, but I was at it again, hoping that everything would disappear with each new cut.

That's when I heard the voices. Not only the voice of my mother, but also the voice of a man. A man who was not my father. I stood on the other side of the door, listening, all the while letting my blood drip all over the floor.

"Stop it!" my mother yelled, high pitched and unaware. "I don't want Ellie to hear us."

"I thought you said she wasn't home," the man answered.

"Well, I don't know for sure. She comes and goes a lot now. Let me check for her first."

I ran over to the shower, ready to hop in as my cover, but all she did was check my bedroom. She never even came near the bathroom.

"Nope, she's not here." I heard her giggling, giggling! My own mother. I returned to my post by the door, which happened to be open just enough for me to see through the crack that coincidentally gave me a perfect view of the living room. I saw my mom standing there with her arms around the man—Ben. I remembered meeting him. He was my dad's friend. I couldn't remember his last name because I didn't care at the time.

I watched as he kissed my mom, even shoving his tongue down her throat. She moaned into his lips and pulled him closer to her. I was so disgusted and growing more infuriated with every passing second. I looked down at my arm and saw that it was covered in blood by then; the three cuts that I made standing out against my pale skin. I grabbed the razor and put it in my pocket before throwing the door open to confront them.

They were lying on the couch by the time I stormed into the room. My blood was dripping all over the carpet but it didn't faze me. I smiled at the thought of my mother on her hands and knees, scrubbing until she couldn't scrub anymore, with the stain still lingering; reminding her of what she did to me.

"How could you?" I screamed. They hadn't noticed that I was there until that moment. Ben jumped up and looked at me, his face full of sheer horror at the sight of my arm. My mother tried to act like nothing was going on, but then she saw it too.

"Oh Ellie, no!" she said, starting to cry. "Your arm…"

"I hate you!" I yelled at the both of them.

"I thought she wasn't cutting anymore," I heard Ben say to my mom.

"Shut up!" I shrieked in his direction. "It's none of your fucking business what I do!" I'd never sworn at any type of adult figure in my entire life, but this man, this pathetic excuse of a man was bringing out the worst in me.

"Eleanor, please just listen to me," my mom said calmly. She was walking towards me, trying to look concerned, when I could tell that she was only concerned with her carpet. I walked forward to her and slapped her, stinging my own hand. I favored my hurt arm after that, and tried not to cry. I would not let them see me cry. I wanted them to feel my anger.

"You did this to me mom! You knew that it was your fault. I thought you were better when you stopped drinking, but you were really only cheating on my father!" I looked away from her, and over to him. "And YOU!" I shouted, pointing a finger at him. "You were supposed to be his friend. You unfeeling, selfish bastard!" I ran at him while I screamed any and all of the insults that entered my mind. "This is all your fault!" I punched him in the nose as hard as I could, which wasn't much, but at least he stumbled backward. I hadn't realized how strong I could be until I saw the blood covering his face.

Instead of trying to calm me down, my mom ran to him, guiding him to the couch while I stomped to my room and grabbed my CD case. It still had everything I ever needed inside of it.

As I walked back through the living room, only pausing to glare at the two of them long enough to see that she chose him over me, I silently cursed myself for ever thinking that my mom was a good person. I slammed the door behind me as I left, not surprised that neither of them tried to stop me.

Craig

I woke up in my own bed, almost forgetting about my previous nights' rendezvous. I looked around to find that I was alone, but I didn't mind. I still remembered how after I kissed Alex, she led me upstairs with her. How she kissed me hungrily, almost devouring my lips in a crazed frenzy.

And then how we'd moved further and faster and made love right there in my bed. It was unlike anything I'd ever experienced. She satisfied me but somehow left me wanting more. And we'd fallen asleep all tangled up in each other. It felt just like a dream, and I didn't even snap back into reality until I woke up that morning.

I rolled over, breathing deeply over the pillow she'd slept on, desperately trying to catch her scent. I felt like I needed to relive last night over and over again until I couldn't anymore.

I stood up, and after realizing I was still naked, I pulled some boxers on and got ready to find her. I peeked out the door to make sure the coast was clear, and then left my room on a mission. Someone was in the bathroom so I knocked on the door. It opened to reveal Alex tightly wrapped in a towel, with her arms crossed over her chest.

I envisioned pushing her into the bathroom and pulling the towel off, then leading her to the shower and taking her back inside to add to last night's passion. I quickly shook the thoughts out of my head when I realized she had said something to me.

"Huh?" I asked, a dreamy expression still on my face.

"I said, what do you need?" she repeated.

"I need you!" I blurted out. I felt my face blush as she stared at me, unsure of what to say. "I meant that I was looking for you," I added, looking past her into the bathroom only so I could avoid looking her in the eye.

"Well, I'm meeting Paige at The Dot for breakfast and then we have to work until six so…" she trailed off with a questioning look on her face.

"Okay, um I'll just see you later then." She nodded before closing the door again. I was a little disappointed that she was leaving, but I couldn't take it personally. It was just work.

I went back in my room, only to grab a shirt, and then headed downstairs to eat breakfast. Joey was pouring milk into Angie's cereal when I sat down.

"So Craig…" he said. Uh-oh, he must know that I slept in my room with Alex last night. I prepared myself to make up some stupid lie but was surprised at what he said. "I agreed to Alex living here on certain conditions, and I was wondering why you slept in your room last night," he finished. He was calm, which was good. And I knew he wouldn't say anything too bad in front of Angela.

"Well, I can explain…" he interrupted me before I could come up with anything, which turned out to be a blessing.

"I'm not finished yet. I just don't think that she should be sleeping out on that couch in the garage with all that she's gone through. You may have changed your mind about giving up your room, I'm not sure, but she at least deserves a bed," he told me.

I was so confused; I didn't know what to say. So she slept down on the couch last night? I didn't even feel her get up and leave, but then again, I was exhausted from our activities…

"So I was thinking that we could clean out that room with all of our junk in it. I never unpacked some of the boxes when I first moved in here, and it's a waste of a room really. If it's not too much trouble I'd like you to move the boxes into the basement today and I'm going to bring Angie with me to see about getting a bed in there."

"Yeah, of course," I said, thankful that he didn't know what went on last night.

Emma

I woke up the next morning feeling considerably better. Last night, Spinner held me until I was ready to go. I felt relieved to have told someone my secret. And I actually slept peacefully for the first time in a long time. He was so understanding, and didn't make me talk about anything that I wasn't ready for.

Our car ride home had been silent, but it was the most comfortable silence imaginable. I was able to breathe easy and rest my head on his shoulder.

Snake didn't question my absence and he didn't tell my mom. We both knew that I didn't miss anything important and that I needed a day to get away from my problems.

When I got into bed that night I called Spinner right away. Hearing his voice made me feel safe; I knew he'd never hurt me like so many guys had done in the past. I simply listened to every word he said until I was fast asleep, and when I woke up, I could hear his soft snoring coming through the phone.

"Goodnight Spin," I whispered before hanging up the phone.

I was about to take a shower when I heard someone ring the doorbell. I went upstairs to find a note from my parents on the table. They'd taken Jack to see Snake's parents, and wouldn't be home until late the next day. My pause to read the note made me forget about the person at the door—almost. The incessant knocking made me snap back into reality as I rushed to answer it before the door fell off its hinges.

"Ellie! What happened?" I asked as I opened the door. She was standing there, here eyeliner smudged all over her face, mixed in with the tears streaming down her cheeks. Then I looked down and saw her arm, covered in dried blood, with three fresh cuts starting to scab over.

I ushered her inside and led her to the kitchen. She gasped and pulled her arm away from me as I tried to clean it.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked.

"Not really. But maybe I should," she answered, wiping her eyes off.

"Only if you want to," I assured her. I got the first aid kid from under the sink and wrapped her arm with rolled gauze as she began her story.

"I can't tell Jay about the baby. He doesn't want to have kids, and I'm not going to force him into helping me if it's not what he wants. I just realized last night that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life; just me and my baby. So I cried myself to sleep, and when I woke up, I was still alone. My mom was gone, my dad's still gone…so I went into the bathroom and I…" she trailed off, motioning to her arm.

"I'm sorry," I told her, being sincere. I have my share of problems, but just when I'm thinking about how much I can't take it, I find someone who's worse off than I am. And sometimes I'm thankful that I was raped. It sounds horrible, but I don't know when I would have stopped acting the way I was. And I don't know how I would have found Spinner.

"But that's not all. While I was doing it, my mom came home. And she brought a friend. Ben. He's my dad's friend. And she's cheating on him!" she yelled. "So I freaked out and slapped my mom, then punched him in the nose, and I'm pretty sure I broke it."

"That really sucks." I didn't know what else to say.

"Tell me about it," she agreed. "I can't go back there," she added, looking down at the floor.

"Don't worry. You can stay here as long as you like."

"Thanks Em," she said, standing up to hug me.

Alex

"So, what is this big news?" Paige asked, picking at her food.

"I had sex last night," I whispered.

"Yeah, and? I didn't know you got back with Jay though."

"Not with Jay…" I trailed off. "With Craig!" I hissed. She nearly spit her milk all over the table when she heard it.

"What? How? Whoa…" she sat back against the booth and stared at me, her mouth agape.

"Tell me about it."

"How did this even happen? I thought you were sleeping on entirely different floors of the house!" she squealed. I couldn't believe she was so…happy about it.

"Well, I was on my way upstairs last night, he was on his way down…and he kissed me. I don't know what came over me but I just sort of dragged him upstairs and it happened," I explained. "It was like we were animals or something."

"That's what happens when you don't have sex for awhile," she said, sure of herself.

"Paige!"

"Oh come on you know it's true." She must have seen my features change because she frowned suddenly. "What's wrong?"

"I think I made a mistake," I confessed. "We shouldn't have done it. I shouldn't like him! He's Craig. He's in a completely different world than I am."

"Well, so am I, but you still hang out with me, right?" she asked.

"That's different. I have to because we work together," I joked.

"Fine then," she replied, laughing a little. "But seriously hun, don't worry. You'll figure it out soon.

"I sure hope so."

Jay

I didn't know why I couldn't stop thinking about her. Every time I saw her, I resisted the strong urge to kiss her, never mind do other things…

How could a girl do this to me? I didn't even think about Alex like this way. Whenever Ellie entered my thoughts, she was like a song stuck in my head; I couldn't get rid of her. And every time she was around me, she looked sullen, like she couldn't stand life. And despite her quality to look so depressed, I wanted to be with her.

The major problem was that I didn't know how to get her to open up to me. That's what happens when the only girlfriend you've ever had is a girl that you grew up with. But Ellie was different. She was just…herself, and I couldn't seem to get past it.

Tim

"Will you please just talk to me?" Marco said from the other side of the door. His mom had set me up in the guest room, which was comfortable, but lonely. Without answering him, I unlocked the door and pulled it open, causing him to almost knock me over as he fell inside.

"Maybe you shouldn't lean on the door when you're begging for forgiveness," I said, suppressing a laugh. Why did he have to be so damn cute?

"So this means that you're forgiving me?" he asked, sticking his bottom lip out.

"Not exactly. I feel like an idiot, believing that you knew what you were talking about, and that you understood exactly where I was coming from. But I can't go on ignoring you because you're just so…"

"Persistent?" he asked.

"I was going to say hot, but persistent works," I said, smiling. Marco sat down on my bed, grinning at me. I couldn't resist, so I sat down beside him.

"Even though you're not so angry with me, I still want to say that I really am sorry. I will tell him, but just not today, you know? Dylan pretty much forced me into telling my mom, and that was hard enough," he explained.

"I get it Marco. But if you say sorry one more time, I'm going to have to hit you," I joked.

"How quickly you change your mind," he stated. We looked into each other's eyes for a second longer than usual before looking away. An awkward silence followed, but Marco managed to turn it into something more than that. "Sorry!" he yelled out, laughing.

I smacked him lightly with the back of my hand, causing him to feign an injury. He then repeated the word about four or five times, and I repeated my action. We got carried away, and soon enough, Marco shoved me down onto my back.

We stayed like that, him hovering above me, pinning me down by my arms. After a moment of heavy breathing, he leaned down and pressed his lips to mine, nearly smothering me in the process, but with no complaints on my part. We continued to kiss for a few minutes, until his tongue snaked into my mouth.

It was in that moment that I knew we were meant to be together.

But it was also in that moment that Marco's dad came upstairs.

"What's going on in here?" he yelled, causing us both to jump, and Marco to fall straight off the bed.

"Dad, I can explain!" Marco yelled, scrambling along the floor, trying to get up quickly. His dad just shook his hands and put his hands up in a defensive position.

"I…I don't want to hear anything from you…just…just go Marco…get out!" He didn't address me at all, but I stood up, ready to throw my stuff together as fast as I could.

His mom came up from behind his dad, resting her hand on his arm.

"What's going on up here?" she asked quietly, probably aware of the situation.

"They were just…they were…" he couldn't even say it; he just pointed his finger at us and stuttered. "I want them both out!" he yelled sternly. I don't think Marco had ever heard his dad yell like that. By the look on his face, he was trying not to break down and cry.

Paige

"Okay, so you told me your secret, now I have to spill mine," I said to Alex, leaning my arms onto the counter. The movie theater was dead, which was surprising for a Friday night. Everyone was probably at some killer graduation parties that we had to miss because of the torturous activity that some call work.

"Shoot," she said, flipping through a magazine.

"Hun, I need your full attention on this one. It's pretty huge," I told her, tugging the magazine out of her hands.

"Fine, I'm all ears!" she said, throwing me a look of annoyance.

"I had sex…with…JT!" I whispered his name as some customers came up, leaving Alex open-mouthed and speechless. I hurriedly filled a popcorn bag, and shoved it across the counter, spilling some of it in the process. The woman glared at me but walked away, choosing not to start a confrontation.

"Excuse me?" Alex asked as soon as she was gone.

"Well, he is my boyfriend," I told her. "And…we had sex."

"Whoa, that's really…um…yeah."

"That's your only reaction?"

"What else do you want me to say?" she asked. I could tell she was still trying to get over what I told her.

"You're supposed to ask how it was, or…congratulate me or something," I said with a smirk.

"Sorry, but I don't want the details," Alex said, picking up her magazine that somehow ended up on the floor.

"Well you just ruin the fun, then don't you?" I joked.

Our conversation was cut short anyway as a huge line formed, keeping us busy for the rest of our shift.

Jimmy

My parents and I sat at the dinner table, completely lost in silence. Manny hadn't called me all day, and I never said a word to my mother either. My dad avoided me because he didn't want to instigate a fight between us. I finally couldn't hold it in any longer; I had to ask.

"Why did you act like that last night?" The question was directed towards my mother, but my father was the one who decided to answer.

"Jimmy, don't be upset. Your mother and I just don't feel that you need to be fooling around with girls right now. You need to focus on catching up with your school work."

"That's bull Dad and you know it. I want to hear Mom's answer. I have a feeling what it is already."

"I do not have to explain myself to you James," she said calmly.

"Why can't you give me an answer?" I screamed, banging my fist onto the table. My mother kept a straight face as she continued to scold me.

"Do not lose your temper around me young man," she said, waving a finger in my direction.

"JUST TELL ME!" I'd never been that loud to either of my parents before in my life.

"I DON'T WANT ASIAN GRANDCHILDREN RUNNING AROUND!" she yelled, even louder. "Are you happy now?" she lowered her voice for that remark, but it didn't lessen the pain I felt from it.

My chest felt like it caved in. I couldn't breathe, and I wanted to get away from her. I rolled my chair away from the table and made my way to my room. But before I got there, I turned around and said one last thing to her:

"How could I be happy with a mother like you?"

I choked back tears as I entered my room and quietly closed the door. The tears burned my cheeks as I pulled myself from my chair and onto my bed. I felt more alone than I ever had in my life; my own mother, who was supposed to love me unconditionally, was racist. I guess I never really knew her at all.

A/N: I'm also not going to be doing the Jay & Silent Bob Movie because I don't really want to write it in. Hopefully no one will be disappointed. I just have so much that I want to cover before this is over…and these chapters are probably going to be around this length all the time because I have so many different characters incorporated into the story. I wanted Jay to be in this chapter because he wasn't in the last one…I know his POV was short and boring, but I wanted to show that he does like Ellie…he just doesn't know how to show it. Anyway, let me know how the chapter was.