Chapter Twenty: All At Once, Part Two
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.
Jay
My head was reeling and I felt like I was gonna be sick.
"Ellie…are you…pregnant?" Sean had whispered, shocking all of us. Why would he ask a question like that?
But then I watched in awe as she nodded her head. And suddenly, I could see it; the small bump in her stomach that I'd never noticed before. And his hand was resting right on it.
How had I not even thought of that? It explained why she's always been so hesitant with me. But that has to mean…
It's my baby.
I let a small gasp escape my mouth.
"I have to go," I said without realizing that I'd even opened my mouth.
"Jay, don't leave." Ellie grabbed my hand but I pulled it away from her. I walked straight out of the house and got in my car. Aside from Ellie grabbing my hand, no one tried to stop me.
To get my mind off of Ellie, I decided to see my sister. That was a bad idea because as soon as I asked for her, I got upset all over again.
"What do you mean she's been adopted?" I asked Julie, the social worker that had been assigned to her case.
"Jay, she's been adopted. There's no hidden meaning in what I just said," she replied calmly.
"I was going to adopt her!" I shouted, feeling tears collect behind my eyes. "I told you that I was going to take out my trust fund, and get a good job," I said, quieter this time. I knew it wouldn't do me any good to yell at her.
"You know that wouldn't have happened. You're only eighteen. You wouldn't have been able to support her and yourself," she explained, laying a hand on my arm. "I know it's hard for you, but she's really better off."
"I don't want her to be better off with someone else," I sighed, falling into the chair behind me.
"Do you want to see her?" Julie asked, shifting through some papers on her desk.
"Obviously." She handed me a piece of paper with an address on it.
"I already talked to the couple and they agreed to let you see her whenever you want. They know you're very attached, and they'd love you to visit," she told me.
"Of course I'm attached, she's my sister!"
"Calm down Jay. Do you want me to come with you?" Julie asked.
"No, I'll be fine."
I left the office as soon as I could and got back in my car, heading toward the address on the paper. I knew the neighborhood, mainly because I'd stolen a car from there before. It was really nice, and that made me feel a tiny bit better.
"Jay!" Abby yelled, running over to me as soon as I walked into the backyard.
"Hey," I replied, hugging her and running a hand through her hair. "Do you like it here?" I asked her. I almost hoped she'd say no so I could take her away with me.
"I love it Jay!" she squealed with delight. "They have a puppy named Jack and a cat named Gary," she explained. Another little girl came running over, calling her name. "And this is Sierra. She's four!" She held up four fingers to assure me that she was telling the truth.
"Is she your new friend?" I asked. Sierra hugged me and smiled, but didn't say anything.
"She's my sister. I get to be the big sister Jay!" she yelled, extremely happy.
"That's great Abby." I forced a smiled, and patted their heads. She was so happy; I couldn't take that away from her.
"Will you stay for dinner? Rachel and Chris said that you could. They're my new parents," she added, pointing to the house. "Come and see my room!"
"I can't, not tonight," I told her. It was too much at once. Maybe I would come back and see her again, but maybe I wouldn't.
"Why not?" she asked. I didn't want to upset her, but I just couldn't stay.
"I have somewhere else to be," I replied, hugging her again.
"Are you going to see Ellie?" she asked. "I like her."
"Yeah, I am. I love you Abby."
"I love you too Jay."
I waved to Sierra and left as quickly as I could. Thankfully, Rachel and Chris hadn't come out to meet me. It wasn't the right time for that either.
But then I realized that Abby gave me an idea. I did need to talk to Ellie. I had to find out what was going on. I might be a father.
Emma
"Emma, the doctor said you had a panic attack," my mom said as she came back into my room at the hospital.
"Well, I'm fine now, so I can go, right?" I asked, sitting up.
"No, you can't," she told me, pushing my shoulder to make my lie back down.
"Why not?" How could I kid myself? I knew why. I just wanted to hear her say it. I wanted them all to say it because I couldn't.
"It was brought on by starvation Em," she said, her eyes getting teary.
I felt a squeeze of my hand, which suddenly reminded me that Spinner was sitting next to me. I turned to him and squeezed back. I couldn't look at my mother anymore. Not with the way she was looking at me. She was disappointed, sad, scared...
She needed my dad by her side—and by my dad, I mean Snake—but he was still talking with the doctor.
I heard sobbing coming from the end of the bed, so I turned that way next. There was Manny, curled up in a chair, crying into her knees. I was starting to wonder why she was there and not Ellie, my new best friend, when someone cleared their throat from the doorway.
There was Ellie, standing with a look of guilt across her face. I knew she felt guilty that she'd just gotten there; that she hadn't followed the ambulance right away. I forgave her instantly and held my arms out to her. She rushed in to hug me.
"Emma, you have to stop," Manny finally said, breaking the silence. "Or you're going to die," she added, sobbing some more.
"I'll try Manny, I really will," I told her, nodding my head. It wouldn't be that easy. I was so used to not eating for four months now—how would I ever start again?
"We're all here to help," my mom added, bending down to kiss my cheek. "We love you Emma."
"I love you too," I whispered. My head hurt—there were so many people trying to be there for me.
I knew no one was bringing up Toby because they were afraid I would lose it again, and maybe I would. So the topic of conversation never neared him or what happened at the ravine.
After an hour of reassuring pats and head nods, the nurse came in and told everyone that I needed rest. Both of my parents were staying the night, even though I told them they didn't have to.
But first, I asked if I could talk to Ellie alone for a minute. I had to be kept overnight for observation, so everyone left and assured me that they'd be back tomorrow, before, during, and after school.
"What's wrong?" I asked Ellie. I knew the look on her face wasn't just because she was upset about me. I could tell that she had problems building up. She looked like she wanted to cut herself, and maybe she did.
"I don't want to burden you with my problems at a time like this…" she trailed off, looking up at the ceiling, then down at the floor, then around at the walls. Anywhere but my face.
"I'm fine now El. Just tell me." I pinched her hand so she would look at me, and it worked. She paused a few moments before answering me.
"Sean's back. And he knows…about the baby," she finally said. I could tell that she was trying not to cry.
I felt a lump in my throat that I couldn't swallow. Sean's back.
Those words echoed in my head all night, especially as I was trying to fall asleep.
Tim
"You're awfully quiet. Is something bothering you?" Marco asked me. We'd been at my house for an hour since we left Ellie's.
"I'm still trying to process this," I replied, sighing. "Did you know that any of that was going on? That Emma wasn't eating? Or that Ellie was pregnant?" I asked him.
"I'm just as shocked at you are. Ellie's my best friend, and she didn't even tell me. I feel like I've been ignoring her," he said. "I feel like a bad friend."
"You're not a bad friend Marco. She probably needed a girl friend to help her out. You don't exactly know how to deal with someone who's pregnant. I'm sure it wasn't anything personal," I told him, trying to explain.
"I know. It just hurts. But at least I can be there for her now."
"We can be there for her now," I said, modifying his statement. "But all of these secrets make me think twice about everyone…" I trailed off, not wanting to say anymore.
"Even me?" he asked.
"Well, do you have any secrets I don't know about?" I asked. I felt bad, and hoped he wouldn't feel offended.
"I guess I should tell you Tim…" he said, putting on a serious face. "I'm not really gay," he whispered.
I squinted my eyes at him and didn't know what to say at all. Then he started to laugh, and I smacked his shoulder.
"That's not funny Marco!" I snapped. "I was being serious."
"I don't have any secrets Tim!" he answered, a little loudly. "What about you?" He somehow focused everything on me, and I forgot that he was even joking around. Mainly because I had something on my mind.
"It's not really a secret; more like a thought…" I wasn't sure I wanted to share it with him. I didn't want him to think I was too clingy, or being juvenile.
"You can tell me anything Tim. You know that, right?" he asked, trying to get me to open up more. I nodded my head and he kissed me before convincing me to tell him what was on my mind.
"I'm just worried about you going off to university. And I won't see you as much…" I trailed off and he was just staring at me, staying completely silent. "I don't know, maybe I'm thinking too far ahead. It's just something that worries me," I explained truthfully.
"I don't know what to say," Marco replied. "I don't want to lie to you. I have no idea where we'll be in our relationship when I start university. You don't know either. We have to take it one step at a time," he said. I knew exactly where he was coming from, but I still didn't like it. I didn't want to think of Marco and I ever breaking up.
"Does that mean we're going to break up when you leave though? I mean, if we're still together then?" I didn't want to ask, but I had to.
"I wouldn't break up with you just because I would be going to university. You don't have to worry about that at all. I won't do to you what Dylan did to me either, if that's what you're wondering. I would never do that to you."
"I know you wouldn't. It never even crossed my mind." I wasn't lying when I said that. I hadn't thought about it until Marco mentioned it. But I took his word for it; I knew he wouldn't cheat on me.
We shared a quick kiss, and finally start watching the movie we rented. I moved close to Marco, making sure that I never took a moment for granted when I was with him.
Jimmy
After we left the hospital, Manny and I went back to my apartment. She was making pasta for us to eat for dinner while I sat in my spot at the table. She was still upset, and would stop cooking from time to time and start to cry. I tried to console her, but it didn't do any good. Emma was her best friend, not mine, so I didn't exactly know what she was going through.
"I'm sure she'll be okay Manny," I tried to reassure her as she finally sat down. We both had our plates in front of us, but neither of us touched the food just yet.
"You don't know that," she snapped. "She hasn't been eating Jimmy. She's wasting away." She put her head in her hands and her entire body shook as she started to cry again.
"She's getting help. Now that she has help, she'll be able to get better." I reached a hand out and took Manny's in mine, gently squeezing it.
"I should have been there for her." She finally looked up at me. Her face was streaked with black mascara and she looked so depressed.
"This is not your fault. You can't blame yourself. It has nothing to do with you and her fighting," I tried to get her to understand. I knew that if she blamed herself, she wouldn't deal with it the right way.
"Jimmy, just stop!" she yelled, holding back more tears. "I'm just trying to say that since I wasn't there for her before, then I have to be there for her now. I have to help her get better. I at least owe her that."
Fresh tears spilled from her eyes. They were different. The tears for Emma were more forceful and violent. These tears were soft, slow, and sad. My breath caught in my throat. I was afraid of what was coming next.
"Manny…" but she interrupted me.
"Jimmy," she sighed, wiping her cheeks off. "I'm going to be spending a lot of time with Emma. I need to be with her right now. And I think that maybe we should just take a break. At least for now…until Emma gets better."
I didn't say anything at first. I just stared at her. I felt very angry. I was angry that she blamed herself for what happened to Emma. I was angry that she was going to break up with me over it.
"If that's what you want," I said coldly, looking away. I pulled my hand back from hers and decided that I wasn't going to eat the dinner she cooked.
"I guess I should go," she whispered sadly. Why was she so sad? She was the one breaking up with me.
"Yeah, you should." She stood up, more tears threatening to come, and turned away from me, leaving her dinner untouched. As she closed the door, a sudden burst of anger overtook me and I shoved my plate hard. It fell onto the floor and broke into three pieces while the food went flying.
I stared at the mess and left it there, focusing back on the door. I waited. She had to come back. At least to see what the noise was. And then I'd tell her that I couldn't live without her, that I'd help her with Emma; anything she wanted me to do.
But she never came back.
Paige
"I really wish I could have talked to Emma," I told JT as we drove back to his house.
"Maybe you can see her tomorrow," he suggested. "I just can't believe this is happening." Out of the corner of my eye I saw him lean his head against the window. "She used to be one of my best friends. And I guess we just story of grew apart from each other." He sighed and kept staring out the window.
"I'm sure she'll be okay. She's a really strong person JT."
"I know she is…" he trailed off. I knew he was crying. "What about Toby?" he finally asked. I've known him for a long time. How could he do that to anyone? Especially Emma?" he whispered. "I don't think I'll ever be able to look at him again. And if I do, I'll be resisting the strong urge to kick his ass."
"Well, we all know how well it went when you decided to fight Dean," I said. We both laughed at that, but then JT was even more upset.
"I don't know how either of us can be happy at a time like this." He let his head fall back against the seat. "You know exactly how Emma feels, and it was my best friend who did it to her. How can we sit around a laugh?" he asked.
"We still have to live life. The world doesn't just stop when bad things happen," I told him. We were finally at his house, but neither of us got out of the car. We decided to sit in it for awhile.
I held onto JT's hand and we talked a little more about Emma, making plans to visit her tomorrow. We cried, hugged, and kissed, but then JT suddenly changed the topic of our conversation.
"I have to ask you something," he said.
"Ask away," I told him. We had moved to the backseat so we could be closer to each other without anything in our way. I was cuddled up next to him with my head on his shoulder.
"At the party, I had a talk with Alex." I took a deep breath and held it in for a moment. Had she told him?
"Okay…" I trailed off, waiting for him to continue, but definitely afraid of what he was about to say.
Alex
Finding out that Emma was raped really took a toll on me. It's not like we're friends; we're actually enemies. But that still doesn't change the fact that it made me upset. It just made me think about what happened with my mom's boyfriend, or fiancée, or whatever. I didn't even know if they were married yet or not.
I knew what I needed: a drink. Or several. And some meaningless sex. So I headed off to the nearest bar where I knew they'd let me in if I showed my boobs a little. I got a few guys to buy me shots, but it wasn't enough. I needed more.
When the bartender was busy with two guys fighting at the other end of the bar, I quickly got up on the counter and grabbed a bottle of vodka from underneath it. I walked away so no one would see me, and set out to find a person to take me home.
Since being with a girl would only remind me of Paige, I decided against it. Being with a guy tonight would definitely be much easier. Besides, I didn't have the slightest idea of how to even pick up a girl in the first place.
I wandered around for awhile, sipping out of the bottle. When about half of it was gone, I felt a hand grasp me around my waist.
"Need a ride home?" a man asked from beside me.
"Sure," I purred, turning to face him. I nearly dropped the bottle in my hand, and actually wished that I had. It would have caused enough of a commotion for me to slip out of the door.
It was him. My mom's boyfriend.
"What are you doing here?" I snapped, pulling away from him.
"The same thing as you, I'm sure," he grinned. "Come on, let's go." He grabbed onto my hand and pulled me toward the door. I stumbled after him; already too drunk to do anything about it.
"Take me home. To Joey's," I clarified as he shoved me in the car. He got in on his side and locked it before ever answering me.
"You're crazy if you think that's where I'm bringing you," he said, laughing. I suddenly felt very dizzy, and my head started to spin. I wanted to throw up all over his car, but I knew that I couldn't. I didn't want to suffer the consequences. I already knew what was coming, but I didn't want to make it any worse than it already was.
My eyes rolled around in my head as I fought sleep. As bad as it sounds, I wanted to be awake for this. I wouldn't be able to stand it if I didn't know what happened to me while I was passed out.
The car finally stopped, and I saw that we were at a motel that I'd never seen before. Jordan went in a paid for the room before coming back to the car for me. He picked me up and carried me inside, knowing full well that I probably couldn't walk very well on my own.
"Please don't," I whispered, begging him to stop as he shoved me on the bed and started peeling my clothes off. He ignored my pleas and kept going. I couldn't do anything else. I knew if I struggled against him that he would be more forceful, and I didn't need that. I just needed to get though it so I could make it to another day.
Ellie
I was sitting in the living room, still crying and trying to get over what was still happening, when the doorbell rang. It was almost midnight, and I knew my dad was sleeping because he had work the next morning. I quickly got up and answered it to see Jay standing there, soaking wet. I hadn't even realized that it was raining.
"Jay?" I asked, stepping aside to let him in. "What are you doing here?"
"I had to come back. I couldn't stay away," he answered as I closed the door.
"My dad's asleep. Let's go upstairs so we don't wake him up," I said. As I turned away from him to lead him upstairs, I wiped my face off. I'm sure he already knew I was crying, but I didn't want him to see me like this.
"Are you okay?" he asked once we sat down at the end of my bed.
"I guess. There's just so much going on right now, with Emma, and me, and Sean being back…"
"Where did he go?" he asked me.
"Actually, he's still here," I admitted. "My dad told him he could stay in the guest room until he goes back."
"He's going back?"
"I guess so. I think that he's deciding if he'll stay or not," I sighed. I wasn't sure if I wanted him to stay or not.
"Ellie…do you still have feelings for him?" he asked me after an awkward silence.
"I…I don't know," I answered, looking down at my hands." The truth was, I thought I'd been over Sean since Jay and I had been, well, whatever we'd been doing.
"The baby…" he trailed off, reaching a hand out cautiously to touch my stomach. I flinched a little at his touch. I wasn't used to anyone but Emma knowing about the baby. "Is it mine?" he finally asked.
I didn't want to tell him. I didn't want this to happen. Why couldn't he have just left it alone? But maybe he really cared.
"Yes," I choked out, holding back more tears that threatened to come.
"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked, taking my hand in his. His other hand still rested on my stomach.
"I was afraid," I confessed, letting the tears fall. "I still am."
"What are you afraid of?"
"Everything. Afraid that you wouldn't want the baby, afraid that I'd be alone. But it doesn't really matter anyway," I told him.
"What do you mean?" I still wasn't so sure why he was asking so many questions.
"I'm not keeping it," I said softly.
"You can't give our baby away," he said, pulling both of his hands away from me and getting angry.
"I've already made up my mind Jay. I can't raise this baby alone. And even if you wanted to have anything to do with it, how can I be so sure that you'll change?"
"Change? What do I have to change about myself?" he snapped. "If you hadn't noticed, I stopped going to the ravine and started going to all of my classes. Up until about a week or so, I hadn't been to the ravine at all!" he shouted.
"Don't wake my dad up!" I yelled right back, before lowering my voice to its normal level. "How am I supposed to know any of that?"
"You could just ask. You're the one who keeps running away from me when all I wanted you to do was stay." He looked so upset. I'd never seen this much emotion coming from Jay Hogart. I never imagined I'd see it either.
"Why are you going back to the ravine?" I asked, suddenly feeling like a horrible person.
"I don't want to talk about it," he said coldly, standing up and pacing around the room.
"Maybe you should take advantage of me actually wanting to stick around and talk to you," I pointed out. He laughed a little and faced me.
"It's not like you can leave. It's pouring outside and this is your house."
"Do you want to get out of those wet clothes?" I asked. I wasn't actually implying anything sexual, but Jay grinned. Without an answer, he pulled his shirt and jeans off, standing there in just his boxers. "I'd give you something to wear, but I don't think I have anything in your size," I said, giggling.
I had no idea how Jay and I went from fighting to laughing together so easily. It just happened when I was around him. I couldn't stay mad at him, and I guess it was the same for him with me.
"I'll take a blanket if you can spare one," he said.
"I know the perfect one." I had him follow me across the hall, into the half done nursery, and pulled a big, green blanket off of the changing table. Jay was quiet as I handed it to him. He was looking around the room.
"If you're giving it away, then why the room?" he asked as we went back into my bedroom.
"I haven't told my dad yet," I admitted. I didn't know how I was going to tell him either.
"Or maybe you don't really want to give it up," Jay suggested. He yawned and plopped down on my bed, pulling the blanket over him. I wasn't sure why, but I felt like lying down with him. We were both on our backs, staring at the ceiling, close, but not touching each other with any part of our bodies.
"You're not getting out of telling me what you're doing back at the ravine," I finally said. "I won't forget until you actually tell me."
"Let's save that for another day, okay?" he asked with an irritated tone.
"Fine," I said, pretending to be angry. I knew very well that I couldn't stay angry at him for long.
We were both silent for a few moments. I didn't want to push him to tell me, and he obviously wasn't going to say anything else.
"Jay, I don't know what to do anymore," I said. "Why does everything have to be so hard?" He didn't answer me. I looked over and saw that he was fast asleep. Rather than be proper or decent and go down to the couch, I curled up next to him and placed my head on his chest.
We fell asleep like that, pressed together, me on top of my blankets, and him under the blanket that was meant for our baby.
A/N: Longer chapter than usual, I know…I had a lot to address, and I've been so busy, sorry it's late. I don't think I'll have the next chapter up by Thursday. I'm trying, I really am! My goal is to finish both of my stories before I go back to school, but I don't really see that happening. I know Let That Be Enough will be done by then, but I have no clue as to how many chapters this will end up being. I'm aiming for somewhere between 25 and 30. Next chapter will be All At Once, Part Three.
Just as in the last chapter, the title and lyrics come from the song "All At Once" by The Fray, and they own it. My little brother came up with the names for the puppy, the cat, and the Abby's new sister. He wanted to name the cat Sparrow, so they'd be Jack and Sparrow like in POTC, and then wanted to name the girl Dory lol. I guess he owns Jack, Gary, and Sierra.