Chapter Twenty-Two: Our Burned Paradise

If you loved me, you would be here with me

Emma

After my second panic attack, the doctors wanted to keep me for a few more days. I begged my parents to let me go home, and I explained it was because I heard my dad talking about Jordan. They told me not to worry; that they wouldn't let him get anywhere near me, then agreed to let me leave.

I had just finished packing my stuff when I heard a familiar voice say my name from the doorway. I froze in place, and wouldn't look up. He came towards me and hugged me, and I just reached my arms up and hugged him back.

"What are you doing here Sean?" I asked.

"Emma, I wanted to apologize for leaving you. I feel like this is my fault. You needed me after the shooting, and I just ran away," he sighed, sitting down on my bed and looking up at me.

"It's not your fault, so don't blame yourself. I made some bad decisions, and got stuck with the consequences. But I'm going to get better." I sat down next to him, and he took my hand in his, rubbing the back of it with his thumb.

"I talked to your parents," he said, changing the subject. "They told me everything…" I looked up at him but immediately looked away at the floor. "Are you going to press charges?" he whispered.

I looked back at his face again; I had to, otherwise I'd start seeing images of that night in my mind. It happened anytime someone brought Toby up, and a lot of times when I closed my eyes.

"I can't," I told him, sighing. "I just can't."

We stared at each other for a few moments, and I never saw it coming. He just leaned forward and kissed me. I immediately pulled away from him and stood up.

"Sean!" I exclaimed, backing away from him. It reminded me of Toby. I didn't want it. I started breathing heavy, but thankfully didn't have any type of attack.

"I'm sorry Emma, I just…" he trailed off and stood up, ready to go. "I have to go."

I watched him rush out of the room, nearly knocking Spinner over as he appeared in the doorway.

"What's up with him?" he asked, rolling his eyes.

"Are you bringing me home?" I changed the subject, not wanting to lie to him.

"Yeah." He walked over to me and hugged me. It was different than Sean's hug. It was real, and warm, and I liked it. I stood up on my toes and kissed his forehead.

Alex

"I called you out sick," Joey said as I walked into the kitchen, ready to go to school. "We need to talk."

"Call them back, because I'm going," I said, pouring myself a cup of coffee.

"What has gotten into you?" he asked me. "You can't be going out and getting drunk every night. For one thing, it's against the law…"

"Yeah, well you're not my dad, are you? So you can't really tell me not to drink." I didn't know why I was acting that way around him. I was so grateful to Joey because of what he had done for me. He'd gotten me away from Jordan, and I'd brought myself right back to him.

"I have custody over you, so I do have a say!" he shouted. I slowly sat down at the table, suddenly upset that I'd pissed him off, and started to cry.

"I'm sorry," I told him between sobs.

"Alex…" I heard a chair scrape against the floor as he joined me. When I felt his hand rubbing my back, I jumped and moved away from him. "What happened? Did he do something to you?" I looked up at him with my best shocked face.

"No!" I protested. "I'm just stressed out." What was he going to do? He couldn't help me. There wasn't any proof.

"Then what's wrong?" he asked. I knew I had to tell him some kind of problem that was believable, so he would stop bothering me about Jordan. I sighed and knew what I had to do. I needed to talk to someone about it anyway.

"I screwed up…" I trailed off. He obviously wouldn't be able to guess or anything, I just wanted to give him time to try.

"Are you pregnant?" he asked. "I'm not stupid Alex. I know you and Craig have been sleeping together. I do empty the trash in this house." He raised his eyebrows at me.

"You can rest assured Joey, I'm not pregnant." He breathed a sigh of relief, and then waited for me to continue. "And yes, we were sleeping together. He was my boyfriend…I guess. It's just that I…well, um I guess I cheated on him," I confessed.

"Why are you telling me?"

"You asked me what was wrong. And I guess I need to talk to someone about it. I also need to tell someone who I cheated with…and get it all off my chest." I couldn't believe I was about to do it. He would be the first person I told.

"Who was it?" he asked, obviously wanting to help me out. He would probably regret it later. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes before saying her name.

"…Paige Michalchuk…"

When I opened my eyes, Joey was staring at me with his mouth hanging slightly open. He didn't say anything at first, so I wiped the half dried tears from my cheeks and waited.

"That's a…girl, right?" he finally asked. I laughed a little—I had to, it was just too funny—and nodded. "So you're…" I nodded again.

"I guess so."

"Have you told Craig?" he finally asked.

"No. I don't think I can," I told him. "It would break his heart."

"I think you have to…"

I was about to protest again, when I heard footsteps coming down the stairs. I immediately shut up and turned around to see Craig about to leave the house.

"Bye," he mumbled, keeping his head down.

What if he heard us talking? I swallowed the lump in my throat and watched him leave.

"Thanks for the talk," I said to Joey, trying to forget about what just happened.

"Are you sure there's nothing else you want to talk about?" he asked me.

"I'm sure."

No one would find out about Jordan, I was determined of that. I didn't need anyone feeling sorry for me, or trying to get me to press charges. I wouldn't go through the same thing Paige did and fail. She told me the horrible story, and it replayed in my mind whenever I thought about taking him to court.

I got up and went back upstairs, ready to sleep away the pain I felt. Sure, I'd finally gotten the Paige stuff off of my chest, but I still had problems. And as hard as I tried to forget them, I was reminded every time I closed my eyes.

Ellie

I stayed home from school again, plagued by indecision. How could I have gotten myself into this situation? I never wanted to be pregnant, I never in my life imagined being a teenage mother. And now, I was one of those girls who didn't even know who the father of her baby was. I was determined that it still wasn't going to happen to me; that's why I have to give this baby up.

Sean decided that he was going to stay until he finds out if the baby is his or not. I still haven't told him that I'm planning on adoption, and I have no idea how to break it to him. Maybe I can get Jay to tell him. Of course, Jay doesn't want me to give the baby up either. What am I supposed to do about this? I couldn't get my dad to kick Sean out—he thought he was a nice kid, and had no idea that he might be the baby's father now too.

Jay left yesterday after he and Sean ran into each other. Sean didn't mention the predicament I'd gotten us into, but there was an unexplained tension between them. When I ran to the bathroom throwing up, Jay followed me and held back my hair. But he left after that, saying that he really had to go somewhere. And when I woke up this morning, Sean was gone too.

I decided that I needed to find Jay. He'd mentioned something about the ravine the other night, so I figured that I could probably find him there, and I was right. After a long walk, I found Jay's car, and just a few people smoking in between classes. I looked in the windows and saw that he was sprawled out in the backseat, fast asleep.

"Someone's really got to get him out of here. He's ruining the atmosphere," someone said from behind me. I jumped and spun around. I'd never seen the guy before, but I was curious about what he'd said.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"He lives here," he answered. "And it's really creepy."

"He lives in his car? Are you sure?"

"Positive." He walked away from me to go back to school, and I fought the urge to cry. The thought of anyone living in their car was pitiful. And there he was, the boy I wanted to be the father of my baby, fast asleep, scrunched up in the backseat of his Honda Civic.

I walked a little away from the car and called my dad at work. He found a job that didn't involve leaving the country, or even the state for that matter. He was working as a police officer in our very own town. I explained the situation to him, and he reluctantly told me that Jay could live with us too. I told him that Sean really wouldn't be there for long, and he was going to try to get his old apartment back. I just had to figure out how to get him to do that.

My first task was getting Jay to my house. I knew he wouldn't just swallow his pride and drive right over. So I had to do it myself. I got into the car and looked around for the keys. I finally found them, halfway sticking out of Jay's pocket. Carefully reaching back, I pulled them right out, and he never woke up. I started the short drive back to my house with Jay sleeping soundly. It wasn't until I stopped the car in my driveway that he woke up.

"What the fuck?" he yelled from the backseat. He shot up and looked around.

"You're lucky that it was me who drove the car," I said, looking at him in the rearview mirror. "Or you could be halfway to Mexico by now, especially with the way you sleep so soundly," I joked.

"Why am I at your house?" he asked, sounding a little angry.

"Why didn't you tell me that you were living at the ravine?" I asked, raising my voice. He couldn't be angry with me if I didn't get to be angry first.

"I had nowhere else to go," he said, suddenly not looking at me. He looked very embarrassed.

"Well, now you do." I got out of the front seat and walked around, joining him in the back. "I talked to my dad, and you're living here, with us."

"Where will I even stay?" he asked as I lay my head on his shoulder. "Cameron's taking up the guest room," he pointed out.

"I'm trying to get him out of there," I explained. "Back to his old apartment, maybe. Until then, I guess you'll have to sleep on the couch. Of course, once my dad's asleep, you can come up to my room…" I grinned at him and pecked his cheek. "Will you stay?" I asked, giving him my best puppy dog eyes. He sighed, but then his mouth broke into a smile.

"Yeah, I will."

I threw my arms around his neck and hugged him.

"Hey, on Saturday I have my four month appointment at the doctor. Do you want to come?" I asked him. It was four days away, but I wanted to ask him ahead of time.

"Of course," he answered, kissing my cheek.

"I better get a shower though, and go about finding a job. We'll need money for the baby," he said, placing his hand on my stomach. I felt like I was going to throw up, but it wasn't morning sickness, it was nervousness.

"I have to tell you something first…" I said. I couldn't keep it a secret from him. He'd hate me if he found out from anyone else. Of course, he'd probably hate me if he found out from me too.

Craig

I saw Manny sitting outside at lunch. She was alone so I decided to talk to her. She didn't look too happy when I sat at her table, but I wouldn't let that stop me.

"Aren't you a little cold out here?" I asked her. It was the middle of October, and getting a little chilly.

"What do you want?" she groaned, ignoring my question and leaning her head on one of her hands.

"Just to talk," I said honestly, using my fork to poke the green mess that was supposed to be vegetables on my tray. "How's Emma?" I asked.

"She's doing a little better. She got to go home this morning," Manny told me. I guess she decided to give in and talk.

"That's good. But what about you? Where's Jimmy?" She looked horrible, like someone had torn her heart out of her chest.

"Don't even ask." She took a bite of her sandwich and a long sip from her water bottle. "We're not together, but I don't want to talk about it." I figured that Manny was probably the one who broke up with Jimmy. I'd already seen him inside, sulking. He actually looked worse, if that was at all possible.

"You know Manny, the real reason I came over here…" she interrupted me before I could explain myself.

"I'm not getting back together with you," she snapped, rolling her eyes. I narrowed my own eyes at her and continued what I was going to say.

"I wanted to apologize for everything I put you through. You and Ashley," I added. "I was a real jerk, and I never even realized it until now. Now that I know how it feels…" I trailed off, not wanting to continue. "I just want to say sorry."

"Alex cheated on you?" she asked, her eyes widening. I nodded. "With who?"

I'd heard Alex and Joey talking this morning. I'd been so hurt that I wasn't going to go to school, but I knew I wouldn't be able to come up with a believable excuse. But still, as hurt as I was, I wouldn't go spreading it around the school. There was more to it than cheating, I realized.

"Don't ask," I said, using Manny's own strategy. The bell rang, signaling the end of lunch. I shrugged my shoulders and stood to leave. Before my foot hit the bottom step, Manny called my name. I turned and waited for her to say whatever it was that she wanted.

"Thanks…for the apology. It really does mean a lot to me," she said.

"Don't mention it. But Manny?"

"Yeah?"

"Jimmy really loves you. Just remember that," I advised.

I turned and walked away, hoping that I helped at least one person for the day.

Tim

"I don't want to go in," Marco whined—yes, whined. We were standing outside his father's hospital room. I could see in the door, where Mrs. Del Rossi was right there by his side, holding onto one of his hands with both of hers.

"You have to," I told him. "Or you'll end up regretting it for the rest of your life."

"What, you think he's going to die or something?" he asked. That hadn't helped. I watched Marco plop down on a bench that was pushed against the wall. "I can't believe this is happening…my dad has…"

"Cancer," I finished off for him. "You have to be able to say it sometimes," I said. I sat down next to him and took his hand.

"I just can't go in there right now. He doesn't even want me to; I heard my uncle telling my mom."

"Well, maybe he just doesn't want you to see him sick like this. He still loves you Marco, and it would probably mean so much to him if you went in there," I said, trying to get him to listen to me.

"No. He doesn't want me in there because I'm gay. Because you're my boyfriend," he argued, crossing his arms over his chest. Tears slowly trickled down his cheeks and I just gave in.

Wrapping my arms around him, I gave him a long hug before helping him to his feet.

"Come on, we'll try again tomorrow, okay?" I asked. Marco nodded, but I knew he probably wouldn't go in tomorrow either.

I was used to being the younger one of us, needing Marco to help me out with my dad issues. But now it was my turn to help him, and it felt good—no matter how stubborn he was.

I kissed his cheek and led him out of the hospital, ready to face a night full of tears and complaints. But I didn't mind because I loved him.

Paige

I cautiously approached the Nelson-Simpson household. I felt bad, showing up unexpected, but I didn't think Emma would talk to me if she knew I was coming. I knocked on the door and Mr. Simpson opened it.

"Paige? What brings you here?" he asked.

"I thought that maybe I could…talk to Emma. About what happened," I said, suddenly unsure of myself. But Mr. Simpson merely nodded and let me in.

"She's down in her room. Through the kitchen." He pointed me in the right direction, and I passed Emma's mom cooking dinner. I heard Mr. Simpson telling her who I was and why I was there as I went down the stairs.

"Emma?" I called out as I reached the bottom step. I almost didn't see her, but she moved in her bed. She sat up, clutching the blankets to her chest as she leaned against the headboard.

"Paige?" she asked. It was more of a whisper. She looked so tiny, like she would disappear in a matter of seconds—definitely not like the Emma we all knew. "What are you doing here?"

"I thought we could talk," I said. "Can I sit?" She nodded slowly, as if she were still trying to figure out why I was there. I sat on her bed, close enough for her to hear me, but far enough away to give her space.

"What did you want to talk about?" she asked, her eyes shifting all around the room, always avoiding eye contact with me.

"Emma, I know what you're going through. I mean, with what happened before this…" I didn't know if I should mention the actual word, or the guy who did it.

"You mean the rape?" she asked. She acted like it didn't bother her at all to talk about it, but I knew better. It was probably killing her. It was the reason she stopped eating, and made herself sick. She wanted to control her eating if she couldn't control sex. I had felt the same way when it happened to me, but differently. I thought about giving up on everything back then, but I had some amazing friends to help me through it, JT included.

"Yeah," I said, still uncomfortable to say it myself.

"Toby raped me," she said, as if realizing it for the first time. It was most likely the first time she'd said it out loud.

"Are you going to press charges?" I asked her. She immediately shook her head, already decided.

"No," she said, as if shaking her head wasn't enough. "I can't go through a trial Paige. I know that you did, and that was really strong of you, but I'm just not that strong. Especially not now. And there's no evidence at all. I didn't tell Spinner until three months later. People saw me go into the van with him, but no one could see who it was from that far away. I was…doing things…with a bunch of the guys at the ravine before that. They'll bring that up, and try to make me look like a slut, even though I didn't have sex with anyone. They'll have witnesses to say what I was doing for a few weeks before that, and that I was high before and during all of it. And on top of that, I'll probably be accused of being mentally unstable because I was just diagnosed with an eating disorder," she sighed and paused for a minute, but didn't shed a tear. "I just can't go through with it."

"I understand," I said, suddenly leaning forward and hugging her. It felt like the right thing to do, and she instantly relaxed in my arms. "Do you want to talk to anyone about it? Like Ms. Sauvé? She really helped me out."

"I'd just like to talk to you if that's okay," Emma told me, pulling out of our hug. I saw that she was crying then, but they were tears of relief—relief of being able to get it off of her chest, and being able to talk to someone who knew what it was like. I always wanted that before, and I was glad that I could give it to someone else. "I mean, I don't want to tell the full story to anyone else. Not even my friends. Spinner's the only other person who knows all of that," she confessed.

"You really love him, don't you?" I asked her. She nodded her head this time, and wiped the tears from her eyes and cheeks. "I'm glad someone does," I joked. I got a small laugh out of her.

"Thanks for coming by," she said. "But I think I'm gonna go back to sleep. Maybe I'll go to school tomorrow," she added.

"If you do, I'll see you there."

I gave her one last hug and stood up to go. But first, I told her one more thing.

"Emma, you're going to be okay, I know it."

She smiled the biggest smile that had crossed her face in a very long time.

Jimmy

I sulked around my apartment. I couldn't really do much at all without Manny there to help me. My nurse called to ask if I needed anything, but I said no, that I was fine. I heated up some leftover pizza and ate it in front of the television, but surprisingly, nothing was on.

I wanted her to be there with me. We used to have so much fun, just hanging out every night, laughing together. I realized just then that I was in love with her. How else could I explain the empty feeling in my stomach? And why was it that even though we had only been broken up for two days, it felt like two years had passed. I missed just looking at her, taking in her beauty. She was the first girl I was truly in love with.

I dumped my plate in the dishwasher and slammed the door on it. I knew there was no use in getting angry and throwing things around, but I couldn't help it. I reached down to the cabinet under the sink—it was stocked with necessities, rather than cleaning supplies; an easy area for me to reach.

Grabbing my toothbrush, I knocked over a pill bottle. I had all these pills to take—calcium pills because I'd lost an interest in milk, all kinds of multivitamins to stay strong, and a few others.

But this bottle was full—I'd never taken any of the pills in it. I turned the bottle to read the label. Percocet. They were the pills I was given for the pain from when I was shot. I snorted; I was so cocky and proud that I convinced myself that I didn't need the pills. Bullshit. I was in so much pain, but never touched them.

Now, I had a different kind of pain. Maybe they would fix that.

I twisted the lid off and shook the pills around, getting a good look at them. They were small, round, white pills. The bottle said to take one every six hours, so to make sure it really helped me, I dumped two out into the palm of my hand.

I filled a glass of water and used it to help me swallow the pills. I closed the cabinet and wheeled myself into the living room. In a matter of minutes, my thoughts became a bit jumbled, but it made me happier. I wasn't dwelling on the fact that Manny left me.

I stuck the bottle right there in my pocket, knowing full well that I wanted to keep it close. Very close.

Jay

"The baby…could be…Sean's."

It was the only thing I could remember from what she'd actually said. She asked me if I would go to the appointment, then she dropped this bomb on me. Sean's baby? There's no way in hell.

She explained what happened, and I got so angry. It was understandable, really, it was. He was her boyfriend at the time, and she didn't know he was leaving for Wasaga the next day. But I've been thinking that it was mine. It still has to be mine.

Spinner just got me a job at The Dot today. I'm working millions of hours to make enough money for Ellie and me to raise this baby.

And now, I'm stuck here, living with Ellie and Sean. I'd like to know why the fuck he came back at all. He's just messing things up. He's in the guest bedroom, and I'm on the couch. I feel like the unwanted guest, when that's who Sean is. He used to be my best friend, but now I fucking hate him.

I was about to sneak upstairs to Ellie's room, something I knew Sean couldn't do if he tried, when my cell phone started to vibrate. I looked at the screen to see who was calling me.

Alex

I had no idea what she would want at this hour—it was almost one in the morning—but I decided to answer. I was annoyed with Ellie anyway, so I might as well vent to someone who knew me.

"Hello?" I asked into the phone. I could hear sobs as Alex tried to collect herself enough to talk.

"Jay? Where are you?" We hadn't really talked at all since the breakup, so I was really surprised that she called me. I guess she knew I would understand, no matter what.

"I'm at Ellie's," I told her. "Why?" I heard rain start to fall, lightly pattering on the windows.

"Shit," she swore, probably because she was outside walking and was now getting wet.

"Where are you Alex? Come to Ellie's house, okay?" I was getting worried, and I didn't want her wandering around this late—or early—whatever. "Are you drunk?"

"Most of the alcohol has worn off by now, but yeah, I am. I'm coming." She hung up the phone before I could ask her how far away she was. I got up and opened the front door as quietly as possible, praying that I wouldn't wake Ellie's dad up—or anyone else for that matter. I snuck off to the bathroom for a few towels as I heard the rain fall harder, and when I got back, she was standing in the living room, dripping all over the carpet.

"Everyone's asleep," I whispered. I could barely tell that she'd been crying since the rain washed her tears away. I motioned for her to take her shoes off as I closed the door. "What happened?" I asked, handing her a towel to dry off her hair.

"I can't get away from him," she whispered, a fresh batch of tears spilling over. "I even moved into Craig's house and he still finds me." She sounded like she was crazy, babbling on about a guy who wasn't real, but I knew better. It was really bad if she was like this.

"Who?"

"Jordan." She squeezed her eyes shut and cried.

"Shh, it's okay," I told her, pulling her to my chest. She wrapped her arms around me and laid her head on my shoulder. "You're safe here. He can't get you here."

"You can't even protect me Jay," she whispered. "I'm not safe anywhere, because he's already in my head. I'll never get rid of him." She was really starting to scare me, so I held her closer.

"Lexi, who's Jordan?" I asked. She flinched as I said his name, but stayed where she was.

"My mom's new boyfriend or fiancée. I don't know...I think they're married now," she answered, pulling away from me. She wouldn't look me in the eye, just down at the floor.

"What did he do to you?" I asked, trying to stay calm. In reality, my insides were burning up. I saw the bruise on her cheek and her knees started to shake. She wouldn't answer me, but she didn't need to anymore. I knew. And I would kill him. "Come on, let's get you out of these wet clothes," I whispered.

She let me peel off her shirt and pants, knowing full well that I wasn't going to hurt her. She stood, shivering, in her bra and underwear, and I could see the bruises on her arms, and her legs, her stomach…

I became angrier than before, but I couldn't do anything about just then.

"I'll go get you something of Ellie's to wear." I moved to sneak upstairs and borrow a t-shirt, but she grabbed my wrist.

"Don't leave me," she whispered, and I knew that I couldn't.

I lay down on the couch and held out my arms, letting her crawl on top of me and latch on, something I used to let Abby do when she was upset or scared. It was like Alex was a little kid, and I was comforting her. But it was all bigger than that.

I pulled my blanket over us and she cried into my chest for so long that I thought I would be sitting in a puddle of tears in the morning. She finally quieted and fell asleep, but not before a million ideas came to me as to how I could get back at this Jordan guy for her.

The last time I remembered looking at the clock, it was three am.

A/N: Okay you guys, I'm so dumb! I had this chapter all ready on time, and uploaded it early and all of that...but completely forgot that I never posted it! I really thought I did, and then I went into my documents and there it was. Sorry! This chapter takes place the day after the last one. I'm pretty sure I'll be done with this by chapter thirty, so there are eight chapters left. In a few chapters will be the birth of Ellie's baby; I'm going to skip ahead. The title and lyrics from the top are from the song "Call Me When You're Sober" by Evanescence and they own it.

I realized just now that in chapter 20, Jay told Ellie that he lived at the ravine. I'm not sure if anyone noticed that mistake, but I liked her finding out on her own better, so I went back and changed it in chapter 20. Just thought I'd let you know.

urbanluver: thanks for the review…you're actually the only person who reviewed! I'm glad you really like the story. XD