Chapter Twenty-Four: At Least We're Trying

And now you're trying to make this better, 'cause you know you can't rewind

Emma

Spinner didn't leave, even though I asked him to. After our picnic ordeal, I stormed into the house and sat in the bathroom. I wasn't going to throw my food up. It was just the only place that I could really be alone in. It was the only door that locked.

I sat down on the edge of the bathtub and sighed. It wasn't Spinner's fault, and I shouldn't have gotten angry with him. He'll probably never know what it's like to live with an eating disorder. I can't just sit down and eat a full meal. My body is used to nothing, or close to it, and if I ate that entire sandwich, it would make me sick.

Why did it have to be so hard? I felt tears fall down my cheeks. I know people have it a lot worse. A lot of people die of starvation before anyone even notices. I was lucky enough to have so many people care about me and help me. That should have made it easier, but it didn't.

I stood up and looked in the mirror. That only made the tears come harder. I don't know how it happened, but I could see myself. The real me. When I used to look in the mirror, all I could see were my chubby cheeks, my fat stomach, and my big butt. Only now when I looked, I saw my cheekbones sticking out. My collarbone protruded so far that it looked like it would hit the mirror itself. I had dark circles under my eyes, and my skin was pale. Maybe it was because I'd finally admitted to myself that I had a problem. Whatever it was, I saw what I really looked like, and it almost made me sick.

How could Spinner stay with someone like me?

"Emma, please come out," I heard my mother's voice from the other side of the door. When did she get home? Had Spinner called her? I knew I couldn't avoid him or her forever, so I reluctantly unlocked the door and went into the living room.

"Honey, are you okay?" my mom asked, pulling me into a hug.

"Yeah, I guess," I said, sighing. I looked over at the clock. So she wasn't home early. How long had I been looking in that mirror? It had to have been almost an hour.

"What happened?" she asked as I sat down on the couch. She sat next to me and put her hand on top of mine.

"Spinner made me a picnic, and he got a little mad that I couldn't eat as much as he wanted me to. But I'm really trying Mom," I told her, sniffling. She ran a hand through my hair and pulled me to her, kissing my forehead.

"I know you are. And it's going to be hard, but we're all here to help," she said.

"I was just looking in the mirror," I continued. "How can Spinner even like me like this? I finally saw what I really look like. My bones are sticking out everywhere!" I complained. I shouldn't have been complaining at all. It was my own fault.

"Because I love you."

I turned around and saw him standing there. I thought he'd left.

"What?" I asked, standing up. My mom stayed where she was, and I walked over to him.

"I said I love you Emma," he repeated.

"You do?" I asked him. He loved me? How could that be possible? Especially with the way I looked and how many problems I seemed to have.

"I don't care what you look like Emma. You've always been beautiful to me, and you still are. I love you no matter what, and I want to help you with your problems, no matter how big or small they are." He leaned in and kissed me softly, not caring that my mother was in the room.

"I…" I trailed off. I was about to open my mouth when the doorbell rang. My mom got up to get it.

"Hello Paige," I heard her say. I needed to talk to Paige, it was good for me, but I wouldn't let her interrupt this moment.

I turned back to Spinner and smiled at him. I stood up on my toes and kissed him, wrapping my arms around his neck. He bent down a little so it would be easier.

"I love you too," I answered. Everyone was staring, but I didn't care.

Alex

I went back to the hospital that afternoon upon Jay's request. He called me all upset, saying that Ellie didn't believe him that nothing happened between us. Jay was really there for me when I needed him last night, so I had to be there for him too. I could tell he really loved Ellie. He acted around her the way he used to act around me. I'd be jealous if I still liked guys.

I pushed open the door to Ellie's room and peeked inside. She was laying there with her eyes closed. I approached the bed and sat down, trying to be as quiet as possible. She stirred and opened her eyes, rolling over on her side. She probably thought it was her dad, but he'd just gone to the cafeteria for a late lunch.

"What are you doing here?" she asked coldly, glaring at me. Ellie and I had never been best friends, but we did talk and hang out from time to time. I felt horrible that she had such a low opinion of me. I had to set her straight.

"I need to explain to you what happened," I told her. She opened her mouth to say something, but I held up my hand. "Please don't get all worked up. What I'm about to tell you is the truth Ellie. I wouldn't lie to you about something like this. The first thing I have to say, is that there is no way I would ever go back with Jay. It's physically impossible," I started to explain. She crossed her arms over her chest.

"And how is that?" she asked. "You looked pretty cozy on my couch."

"The reason that I don't like him anymore, and never will…is that…well…he's just not my type." It was harder than I thought it would be. I'd never told anyone except for Joey.

"That's funny; because I'm pretty sure Jay is your type. Unless you suddenly changed your mind and like guys like JT." I blushed at JT's name. After all, I did have a thing with his girlfriend. I had to explain myself before she really thought I liked JT though.

"Something like that…" I trailed off. She wasn't going to get any nicer and the process wasn't going to get any easier, so I just went for it. "The truth is, nowadays, that my type just isn't…guys…at all," I finally said.

"Are you serious?" she asked me, her eyes widening.

"Yep. I'm a lesbian Ellie," I said. It was actually the first time I'd spoken the word out loud.

"Wow, um…" I wasn't offended that she didn't know what to say. There's nothing much anyone can say. "So, why were you there? With him?" she asked.

"And here comes the hard part of the story," I said, sighing. "Ellie, can you promise me not to tell anyone? I mean really. No matter what I tell you, you can't say anything to anyone," I kept a straight face to let her know that I was being serious.

"I promise," she said, nodding to add emphasis. I took a deep breath and started to tell the story.

"I was really drunk last night; drowning out my sorrows I guess you could say. I thought that I could deal with what has been happening. I mean, it's nothing new to me. But I couldn't. I had no one to talk to, so I started drinking. A lot.

"My mom has this boyfriend, Jordan. They're supposed to be getting married I guess. I left my house and have been living at Craig's because of him. I did it to get away from him. It worked for awhile. I didn't see him at all. But then, I got really upset one night, for a completely different reason. It was because my first girlfriend—I guess you could call her that—had broken up with me. So I went out drinking. And he found me at that bar…" I trailed off. I had to take a break. I felt the tears come spilling out of my eyes. I hadn't cried in front of Ellie before. She looked really concerned.

"What happened Alex?" she whispered, almost like she was afraid to find out.

"Ellie…he…" I sucked in my breath and held it for a minute. How could I tell her? How could I tell anyone? Would she keep her promise? "When I did stuff he didn't like, he would punish me. He just hit me at first, but then…" I knew I wouldn't be able to finish. That would be all of the information she got.

"Oh Alex, I'm so sorry." She held her arms out and I got up to hug her. It felt good to be able to get it out, but I wasn't sure I'd be able to talk about it much longer.

"I was just thinking about it last night, and I got drunk. I called Jay and it started to rain and I took my clothes off because they were wet and I knew he wouldn't hurt me." I blabbed on and on, still holding tight.

"I believe you. Shhh, it's going to be okay."

"It's not gonna be okay because I'll never get away from him. Never."

"Yes you will. I'll make sure of that," she told me, patting my back. I felt like such a baby, but I needed it. I needed the comfort and the assurance.

But most of all, I needed Paige.

Jimmy

I really screwed everything up with Manny. She came to check on me because she was concerned, and all I did was pick a fight. She left in tears, and I'd never felt more horrible in my life. And I knew why. It was because by the time she got there, the pills had worn off already. The next time she came, I'd make sure they hadn't worn off.

I popped two pills in my mouth and shut the television off. Then I rolled myself into my room to go on the computer. It was one of the only things that I could do when I was bored. Basketball failed me, and the TV wasn't all that great.

I saw that Manny was online. I decided to IM her and try to get her to come back over. If I was able to get up to her apartment, I would. But the building only had stairs. The wheelchair ramp outside was the only way for me to get in and out.

The screen name I made for myself was when I was depressed about my situation. I had a laugh at it every now and then, but as I looked at the screen now, I hated it. But I would only hate it until the pills kicked in.

ChairForLife: Manny, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have acted like that.

KissMe87: No, you shouldn't have

ChairForLife: I said sorry. What more do you want? Will you please come over?

KissMe87: Can't. I have dinner soon.

ChairForLife: What about after?

KissMe87: I don't know. That really hurt Jimmy

ChairForLife: I'll make it up to you…

KissMe87: We're on a break, remember? And besides, I have to go see Emma after.

ChairForLife: I think she'll live if you don't go one night

KissMe87: You're such an ass. I have to go. Bye.

ChairForLife: Wait Manny! I love you.

Error. Message not sent. KissMe87 appears to be offline.

"Fuck!" I yelled, slamming my fist down on the desk. I needed one more pill. They weren't working yet.

I pulled the bottle out of my pocket and quickly swallowed one more. I knew I would feel better in no time, whether Manny was there or not.

Paige

"Did you want to talk about anything today?" I asked Emma. I witnessed her telling Spinner that she loved him, and I was really happy for her.

"I just can't stop thinking about it," she answered, pulling her knees up to her chest. We were sitting on her bed, and we'd been silent for a little while. I watched her rest her head on her knees. "Every time I got to sleep, I can see him there. Like he's going to do it again."

"You don't have to worry about him anymore. I forgot to tell you. He was expelled today!" I said excitedly.

"Why?" I thought she'd be happier, but maybe she was just confused.

"Well…JT and Toby fought in the hall, and he was choking him, and Ms. H came out and told JT to go to her office. But he said that Toby should be the one in trouble because of what he did," I explained.

"So everyone knows now?" she groaned, throwing herself back onto the bed. "This is horrible. Now I can't go back to school."

"Yes, you can Emma. This will be better for you. I know I was thankful that Dean never went to our school. The times that I had to see him were bad enough—imagine if I'd had to see him every day after what he did. I wouldn't have been able to go. And now, you don't have to see him at all," I told her.

"But how can I walk through the school now that everyone knows? I'm sure they'll find out about the panic attacks and the hospital too. I don't want to walk down those halls and hear everyone whispering about me," she complained. "It won't be long before the rumors start either."

"Hun, everyone in that school has heard rumors about themselves. You know what's true and what isn't. If you don't let people get to you, then you'll be fine. I'll be right by your side, I promise. And JT will be there, and Manny, and all of your other friends. We'll all be there for you," I promised her. She sat up and hugged me. I thought she would never let go, it lasted that long. But I wished I had someone to hug when I was going through it all.

"Thanks Paige," she said. "I'm going back next week. Mom and Dad want me to rest up first."

"Well, just call me if you need me," I told her.

"I will."

Craig

"Where have you been?" I asked Alex when she dragged herself into the house right before dinner. Joey was working late, so it was just me, her, and Angie.

"That's not really any of your business," she replied, rolling her eyes. She was about to walk upstairs, but I stopped her.

"Won't you at least eat dinner with me and Ang? I made pasta," I said.

"Well, I am hungry." She grinned at me and my heart sank. I missed being with her, and I wanted her back, even though I knew that she couldn't be with me that way anymore. And it wasn't her fault. But that didn't stop me from being angry that she kept that kind of secret from me.

We all sat at the table and ate, keeping pretty quiet. The only noise came from Angie, who was slurping up her spaghetti.

"This is good Craig, thanks," she said, smiling at me. She kept on eating, and didn't notice the way I was glaring at Alex when she wasn't looking.

"Yeah, thanks," Alex said, startling me. She caught me glaring.

"What's wrong with you?" she snapped. Angie looked up from her food, ready to watch us fight.

"Oh, nothing at all. I mean, if there was something wrong, you should know," I answered, taking a break from eating and crossing my arms over my chest.

"What are you talking about?" she dropped her fork in her bowl and it landed with a clang.

"I just don't like being lied to, or cheated on," I replied, smirking at her. She'd know now. I saw her face drop, and realized that she must not have suspected that I heard her and Joey talking yesterday.

"It's not that simple," she said, trying to keep her face straight.

"Why didn't you just tell me that you were a lesbian?" I yelled.

"What's a lesbian?" Angie asked.

"Bring your spaghetti upstairs Angela," I told her.

"But Daddy says I can't…"

"Just go, it's okay for tonight," Alex added.

"Okaaaaay. But if I get in trouble, I'm telling Dad that you told me to do it," she said, picking up her bowl and carrying it up the stairs. Alex and I were both silent until we were positive that she was gone.

"Craig, I didn't do any of it to hurt you. It's just who I am," Alex said quietly, staring into her bowl.

"We had sex every night when you already knew! And then, you cheated on me with Paige? Did you really think that wasn't going to hurt me! It would have been so much easier if you told me you only liked girls! Then I wouldn't feel like a piece of shit that you used to cover up who you really are!" I yelled. I stood up and shoved my chair into the table.

"It would have been easier for you maybe, but not for me!" she yelled right back. "I was trying to figure myself out!"

"When you're in a relationship, you're not supposed to only think about yourself. But I guess it wasn't a real relationship anyway!" I screamed. I grabbed my bowl and threw it into the sink. It hit the bottom and broke in half. "Fuck!"

"Craig, calm down," Alex said. She was at my side, and her hand was on my arm.

"Just leave me alone!" I yelled in her face, snatching my arm away from her.

"I want to be your friend," she said, her eyes welling up with tears.

"Well, we can't be friends if I can't even stand to look at you!"

All of the tears spilled over, and she didn't try to hide them. I backed away from her and she turned around to run up the stairs.

I didn't want it to be like this. I really liked Alex, and I thought we would be together for a long time. She couldn't change who she was, but she didn't have to lie to me about it either. Why do girls have to be so hard to understand?

Tim

My day in the ravine with Marco was one of the best days of my life. We had a lot of fun, and we agreed to go there for lunch everyday. After school, we went to Marco's house and I helped him study for his math test. Well, we tried to study.

"Let's take a break," Marco suggested, kissing my neck.

"That would be our fourth break in an hour," I said, grinning. "Don't you think you should actually study for this test? Or do you feel confident enough already?" I asked him.

"We can study and have fun at the same time," he replied. I lifted my eyebrows at him.

"How so?"

"Well, ten fingers plus ten fingers equals twenty," he said, taking both of my hands in his. I shivered at his touch—it always made me want to…

"I like that," I said, squeezing his hands. "What else?"

"Two lips plus two lips equals four." I didn't wait for him to demonstrate. I kissed him first. While our lips were only centimeters apart, he continued. "One tongue plus one tongue equals two…" After we finished making out for a few minutes, I threw out the last equation.

"I like this study technique," I said. I pulled his shirt off. "Zero clothes plus zero clothes equals…"

He didn't let me finish. We helped each other out of our clothes as quickly as we could. It was definitely the best study break in the history of studying.

Ellie

"I'm sorry I didn't believe you," I told Jay, holding him close to me. Alex didn't want him to know about her just yet, so I just told him that she explained the drinking.

"I'm not going to abandon you Ellie," he said. "No matter how things turn out."

I knew he was talking about who the father of the baby was.

"I want it to be you," I whispered.

"So do I." He kissed me on the cheek. He was sitting next to me on the bed, holding my hand. "Have you ever thought about…keeping it?" he asked. I fell silent, and didn't move at all for a minute.

"Jay, I just can't," I sighed. "How will I ever take care of a baby? I don't even know the first thing about them. And I want to go to University," I added.

"I'll help you Ellie, I really will. But I don't want you to give up your future. You're gonna do great things. And it's your decision," he said.

"Thanks for saying that. But, when the baby is with a new family, will you still be here?" I asked him. I had to know. If he was just with me for the baby, then I wouldn't let it go on any further. It would only hurt more when the day finally came.

"Of course I will," he said, hugging me. "I'm here for you and the baby. Not just the baby," he told me. We were quiet for a few minutes. Neither of us knew what to say, and we were okay with just being next to each other.

"Jay, could you do me a favor," I asked him. "I'd do it myself but…" I pointed to my stomach and motioned around the room. I couldn't really go anywhere.

"Anything," he said. He didn't know what he was getting himself into.

"Can you find a way to help Alex?" I asked. "She needs us."

"I've been trying to think of something, believe me," he said. "I want to help her just as much as you do."

"I have an idea, but it'll be risky…" I trailed off. I didn't want him to get hurt.

"I'll be able to handle it."

"I know you will."

Marco

I knocked on the door and waited. Tim and I had actually finished studying almost three hours after we started. I drove him home because his dad wanted him back for dinner, and then headed over to Emma's house.

"Marco?" I looked up, realizing that I'd been spacing out. Emma was at the door, obviously surprised to see me. She looked so tiny, like she was wasting away. I tried not to stare, and looked at her face instead, putting a smile on my face.

"Can we talk?" I asked her.

"Um…sure. Come on in."

I followed her into the house and sat next to her on the couch. I looked around the living room, unsure of where to begin.

"So…" she said, looking over at me, smiling. She looked so sick. I was thinking about how pale she looked and lost my train of thought. I snapped out of it when she cleared her throat.

"Emma…I know that you went through a lot when Mr. Simpson had…cancer," I nearly choked on the word. I wasn't comfortable saying it out loud.

"It wasn't easy," she said. "But we got through it okay. Is this for a project or something?" she asked me. I shook my head and swallowed the lump in my throat.

"It's…um…it's my…dad," I finally said. Instead of saying anything, she leaned forward and hugged me. I thought it would be awkward, especially since I didn't normally talk to her at all. But it felt nice. I needed it from someone who understood. After we pulled apart, I continued telling her my problem. "I don't think that…I don't think I can visit him."

"I know that it's hard, but you'll regret it if you don't see him and…"

"He dies," I finished the sentence for her.

"It's a possibility. I thought about it a lot. But everything turned out okay, and that could happen too," she explained.

"But what if he doesn't want to see me?" I asked her. I'm sure she didn't have that same problem before.

"Marco, you're his son, of course he wants to see you," she said, staying completely positive.

"Emma…he found out that I'm gay. And he left us," I told her. "I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to see me. He hates who I am."

"No matter what you think, or what happened, your dad doesn't hate who you are. He still loves you. And you should go see him," she pressed.

"You're right. I should, but I don't know if I can."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

I saw it in her eyes. She didn't want to go back to the hospital. Not after she'd just gotten out of it. I shook my head and smiled at her.

"You're a really good friend Emma; don't let anyone tell you any different. I'm gonna go visit him tomorrow after school. But you don't have to come. I know you don't want to go back there. Tim will go with me," I assured her.

"You're a good friend too Marco." I knew it was her way of thanking me for sparing her. We hugged again.

"Thanks for talking me into it," I told her as she walked me to the door.

"You can come back anytime," she said, holding it open for me.

"You can count on that," I said. I kissed her cheek before leaving.

Tomorrow would be the first day of my life that I would wish for school to last as long as possible.

Spinner

"Do you have the video camera?" I asked Jay. He came to me and explained what happened to Alex. I was more than willing to help out.

"Yeah. Did you get the tape recorder?" he asked me. I nodded and held it up.

"What about the regular camera?"

"In my car," Jay said. "I think we're all set. First, we have to go to take the pictures. Then, we'll take her to help us set up the video camera and recorder. Hopefully he won't be there until later."

"Okay, got it."

We jumped in the car and went over to Craig's to talk to Alex. Ellie came up with this master plan to get Jordan arrested again, and we wanted to carry it out as soon as possible.

When we got to Craig's, Jay and I pounded on the door. Joey opened it with an angry look.

"Sorry," I said. "We're looking for Alex." I had the video camera in my hand.

"What's that for?" he asked. He must have thought we were going to make a sex tape or something. Jay was holding the digital camera.

"Yearbook," Jay piped up, pulling the lie out of nowhere. Joey looked at us like we were crazy, but he let us in.

"She's in her room. Up the stairs, last door on the left."

"Thanks!" I yelled as we ran up. We went into her room and shut the door, locking it behind us.

"What the hell are you doing?" Alex asked.

"We want to help you," Jay said.

"With what?"

"To get rid of Jordan," I told her.

"How are you gonna do that?" I could tell we had her full attention. She sat on the bed and waited for us to explain.

Jay laid the whole plan out for her, and she slowly agreed to it. We filmed Alex saying exactly what happened. Every single detail. She was crying by the end of it, but we knew it would work and it had to be done. After that, I left the room to give them some privacy. Jay filmed Alex pointing out all of her cuts and bruises that he gave her. When they came out of the room afterwards, she looked very embarrassed.

Alex gave us directions to her old house; the house that she and her mom moved into. Jordan's house. She went inside first, to make sure no one was home. She still had her old key. Jay parked the car around the corner, so it wouldn't look like we were there. While he did that, Alex and I set up the video camera and the tape recorder in the living room. Jay had just gotten in the house when I hit the record buttons.

"Is it all set?" he asked.

"Yeah. Now, Alex, you should go to the doctor. Have them check you out, tell them what happened," I told her.

"Why? It's too late anyway. Shouldn't I have gone right after it happened? They won't find anything," she argued.

"It's better than nothing Lexi. You have to trust me on that. They can at least confirm the bruises or something," Jay told her. He held onto her hand and squeezed it. "This will work, I promise."

But something went wrong. We weren't experts. We didn't know when Jordan was going to get home. And he got there before Alex could leave.

"You little bitch! What are you doing in my house?" he yelled, coming into the living room and lunging at her. Jay jumped in front of her and pushed him back. "Who the fuck are you?" he screamed. "Are you trying to steal my shit?"

"I'm here to talk to you, asshole," Jay said. I looked to make sure they were in the camera's view. They were. I watched as Jordan pulled his fist back and punched Jay in the face.

"Hey!" I yelled. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Stay back you little punk, or you're next." He turned back to Jay. "No one calls me an asshole in my house!"

"You RAPED Alex!" Jay screamed. "You're not getting away with that. You beat her up and you raped her, and you'll pay."

"She wanted it you little jerk. She begged me for it and she loved every minute of it. It's not my fault that the little slut likes it rough," he lied, narrowing his eyes.

"No!" Alex screamed. "I said no! I never wanted it." She kept on screaming, calling him the dirtiest names she could think of, and letting tears pour from her eyes. "You did it for six months!" she yelled.

"So what if I did? You deserved it for talking back to me you little bitch!" he yelled.

"She didn't deserve it at all!" I yelled. It reminded me of what happened to Emma and I was furious. I stared at the guy and stopped for a minute. He looked so familiar. And his name…

My blood started to boil. I remembered who we was. I read the article in the paper five years ago. Everyone was quiet, and staring at me. They knew something was going on.

"What's wrong with you kid?" Jordan asked. He was calm for no reason at all.

"You bastard!" I screamed, charging at him. "You were the one that tried to rape Emma! You tried to film it!" I yelled. Jay grabbed me and held me back.

"What?" he asked. "What are you talking about Spinner?"

"He lured Emma to a hotel room when she was in grade seven. And he had a camera. He tried to…" I was cut off by Jordan, who was laughing manically.

"You must be her boyfriend then," he said. "And this is Jay, isn't it Alex?" he asked her. "The one your mom always talks about."

"You'll pay for this you asshole!" I screamed at him.

"Or I'll call the cops right now, and say that you were stealing my shit. They won't believe a bunch of snot nosed little brats over me. I'll say that you're friends of that little bitch Emma, and you wanted revenge when you found out that I was out of jail," he said, taunting us.

"Go ahead, call the cops!" Jay yelled. "Spin, get the stuff."

I ran to the camera, pulled it from it's spot, and turned it off. I saw Alex go for the tape recorder. Jordan got red in the face and was about to charge at me.

"Go Spinner!" Jay screamed at me. Alex and I started to leave the house. She was already out the door when I turned to see Jay holding Jordan back. He punched him in the face and kicked his knee. Jordan fell, and Jay followed me.

"Where do we go now?" I asked as we were safely in the car, driving away. We hadn't seen Jordan leave the house at all, and weren't sure if he would follow us or not.

"We have to go to Emma's," Alex said from the backseat.

"Why?" I asked her, suddenly curious. "I'm not bringing up bad memories for her. I'm not sure if she knows that he's back…"

"Simpson saw us. The day we came out of the hotel. We need to get him on tape," she explained.

Jay immediately turned the car around, and we headed to Emma's. I didn't say a word. I didn't want to upset Emma, but I knew that we needed everything we could get for this plan to work. As we headed off to our final stop for the night, I hoped it would work. It had to.

A/N: I had a lot to fit in this chapter. There are only six left! The lyrics at the beginning are from the song "Let Me Go" by Zebrahead and they own it.