Chapter Twenty-Six: Cannonball, Part One

It's still a little harder to say what's going on

Tim

The next five months passed so quickly, that none of us really saw them go. We were all wrapped up in our own problems and relationships that no one really went out to have a good time anymore. The only person I saw over the span of time was Marco. I wasn't complaining at all because I could have fun with Marco and not have to see anyone else. But Marco wasn't having fun.

Marco visited his dad in the hospital every day. I always went with him, and after a few days, he even let me come in. I could tell Mr. Del Rossi was a little uncomfortable, so I tried to make it easier for him. I didn't hold Marco's hand like I wanted to, and I definitely didn't hug or kiss him when we were in the hospital at all. I was paranoid that his dad would be in the hallway, waiting.

I wasn't sure why I was being so cautious. I guess I just felt bad because he was sick, but it was slowly tearing Marco and me apart. He didn't understand why I was separating myself from him at the hospital when he needed me more than ever. I tried to explain that I was making his dad more comfortable, but Marco really thought his dad didn't care at all. He did care. He didn't like it that Marco was gay, but he wasn't going to tell him that again because he didn't want to lose him. I saw the way his dad avoided looking at me at all costs, and how he flinched if I moved closer to Marco ever so slightly.

Things became even more difficult when Marco's dad got out of the hospital. Two days after his release, he gathered all of his belongings and moved back home. Don't get me wrong, I was happy for Marco. He was happy that his father was back, and all that mattered to me was that he stayed happy.

That was four months ago. So, for four months, Marco and I have hardly done anything at his house. He'd move in to kiss me goodbye and I would pull him into a manly hug and leave quickly. His father was always watching at home. I wasn't being paranoid there. He always made sure he was around to see me leave for the day.

I was there on Christmas day, exchanging presents with every member of the family. That night, I caved, and had sex with Marco in his room. But it wasn't the same. He was aggressive. He was taking his anger out on me and we both knew it. The thought of that broke my heart, but I just let him do it.

I wasn't unhappy because of sex. It was never about sex with Marco. When I was with Marco, I could be myself. I could be the person that no one knew about until now. And being around him without being able to kiss him was absolutely killing me. I waited for the day that Marco's parents were at the doctor. It finally came.

"Hey," I said, coming into the house. Mrs. Del Rossi made sure that I was comfortable enough to just come inside. She told me I was part of the family. I'd talked with her about my feelings and she knew exactly what I meant. I tried to get her to help Marco understand, but she told me that I needed to do that for myself.

"Hi," he replied, completely emotionless. No matter how he was acting towards me, I couldn't resist. I ran right up to him and pressed my lips to his.

But he pulled away.

"You want to kiss me now?" he asked, backing up a little.

"Marco..."

"Just don't Tim. For the past five months, you haven't wanted to be near me, let alone kiss me. All I'm trying to do it get close to my dad again, but apparently, that means that I get farther from you. I thought you of all people would understand repairing a relationship with a father," he said coldly.

"That's not what this is about! Marco, I can't stand being around you and not being able to touch you or kiss you. I'm trying to make your dad more comfortable so you can get close to him again. He doesn't like me being around. And he sure as hell wouldn't like me kissing you in front of him!" I snapped.

"He's SICK!" Marco yelled at me. "He could die Tim! And I feel like I'm losing you too. I feel like I'm losing everyone and you're trying to say that you want to make him comfortable! My dad IS comfortable with who I am. He told me that, and I believe him."

"I know you do," I said softly. My stomach started to hurt. I didn't see this going anywhere good. "Marco, I'm not trying to drift away from you. I want to be close to you again. But we can't do that here. We just can't," I explained sadly. I knew there was no way he'd see it the way I did.

"Well, I'm not leaving my dad alone when I don't know if it'll be the last time I see him or not. So I guess we can't get close again anywhere," he said. His voice was void of all emotion, like he didn't care anymore. But I knew that he did.

"Don't do this," I begged him. "I want to be with you." I pulled him close to me and pressed my forehead against his, staring into his eyes. "Even if this is all I can get."

Marco tilted his head and moved in, kissing me softly. It was like our lips barely touched, but were melting together at the same time. It was the best kiss that Marco and I had ever shared. It brought tears to my eyes.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, breaking away. "I can't do this anymore."

My heart dropped as I realized what had just happened. Marco had just kissed me goodbye.

Jimmy

I honestly don't know why I turned Manny away that day. That was five months ago, and I hadn't seen her since. Well, I saw her at school, but she always avoided me. I didn't hold it against her. I knew that she should hate me. I screwed everything up.

I tried to get near her every day to explain myself. But every confrontation forced tears from her eyes, and made me sick to my stomach because I knew that I was the one making her cry. It was all my fault and she would never forgive me. I would never get to hold her again, kiss her again, make love to her again.

She didn't even accept my Christmas present to her. I had Emma bring it up to her on Christmas Eve, when I knew she was going over to spend some time with her. But I found it on my doormat the next day, still wrapped.

As hard as it was, I knew that I always had something to help me through it as soon as I got home. I went to the doctor and faked pain in my back. I complained to my nurse every chance I got. And I got my prescription filled again and again. The doctors were all puzzled. They thought there was some kind of progress. That maybe if I felt pain I could somehow recover, and start walking again. That was such a joke.

I took two pills and parked myself in front of the television. I was feeling especially depressed, and the pills weren't working. Nothing was. My thoughts kept drifting back to Manny, and how I messed it all up, and how I'd probably never get to be with her again. My stomach started to hurt, and I knew I needed more pills. I'd probably gotten so used to taking two that it wasn't having an effect on me anymore.

So I took two more.

And then one more, just to make sure.

When I was halfway through the show I was watching, I started to sweat. Why was it so hot? It was only March. I started to get very tired, but at the same time, I felt like I was going to be sick. My stomach was turning over and over, but I didn't throw up.

I just let my eyes slowly close until there was nothing left.

Emma

I've been going to rehab for five months now. I might even get to stop in a month or two. They say I've made remarkable progress. I just want to hurry up and get better so I can return to my normal life.

Monday through Friday, it's go to school, get home, change my clothes, drive out to rehab. My dad usually takes me, and my mom stays home with Jack. I'm usually there for four hours—from four to eight. First I have a group session for an hour and a half. The second hour and a half is spent with a psychiatrist on my own, then one more hour with a nutritional counselor. On Friday's, I have to stay an extra twenty minutes to see the doctor, who makes sure I'm gaining weight and staying healthy.

I was amazed to see that so many people have the same problem that I do. We may not all have the same past that led up to this problem, but we all having some form of eating disorder. There are guys and girls there. I even recognized one boy who was in my grade six science class. We bonded right away, and we talk before group every day.

There are kids there who are even skinnier than I am which makes me even more thankful that I have so many people who care about me. If it wasn't for Spinner and Ellie and Manny and my parents, and maybe even Jay, I wouldn't be here. I could be permanently hooked up to machines that keep me alive, or I could be dead.

Over the past five months, I've gained ten pounds. That may not seem like a lot, but to me, it is. I've gained back a third of the weight I lost. I now weigh ninety pounds. And I can eat a whole cup of yogurt for breakfast and four chicken nuggets for dinner. I haven't mastered three meals a day yet, but it's much better than the three bites of food a day that I used to only be able to handle.

Saturdays are the only days I get free each week. Sundays are spent catching up on my homework. I've been trying to divide my Saturdays equally among all of my friends, but Spinner always gets a little more time. The rest of my time is split up between Ellie or sometimes Ellie and Jay, Manny, Paige, and JT. Paige is still the only person I talk about the rape with, but it really does help me a lot.

I heard about what happened to Alex. Ellie mentioned it to me. I called her up that night, and even we've been hanging out together. She's always very jumpy, and when she gets really upset, she always calls Craig. I'm glad she has someone close to her to help her out.

The one person I have been avoiding is Sean. He always showed up at the worst times at school (luckily, I haven't heard too many rumors about myself there). He doesn't go to Degrassi anymore, but he's always hanging around there. When I'm outside waiting for Spinner, he tries to talk to me, but I always manage to get away somehow.

"Emma!" I heard a familiar voice calling me out of my thoughts. His voice. I was waiting out on the porch for JT to pick me up. We were meeting everyone at the movies in twenty minutes.

"What are you doing here?" I snapped. I almost felt bad that I wasn't treating him very well. But it seemed like he was just trying to get in between Spinner and I. And ever since he kissed me, I've been afraid that he'll do it again when he knows I don't want him to.

"I just want a chance to talk to you," he pleaded. "You've been avoiding me ever since…"

"You kissed me," I finished for him, making sure to throw him an angry glare.

"I'm sorry I did that. I honestly didn't think that you wouldn't like it at all. I didn't expect that reaction. It's just that…you're the reason I came back," he said, staring at his feet.

"What?" I asked, completely surprised. "You didn't come back for your girlfriend? You know, Ellie. The one who might be carrying your child?" Ellie told me about what was happening with Sean and Jay and the baby.

"No," he said softly, finally looking up at me. Our eyes met and I had to turn away. "Emma, you were my first love…"

"That doesn't mean anything!" I argued. "I have a boyfriend and I'm not looking for a new one. I love Spinner, so it's never going to happen," I told him flat out. "Besides, if that baby is yours, you'll have a huge responsibility on your hands."

"Does that even matter? I found out that she's giving the baby away. It's too bad too, because if it had been mine, then I'd have even more of a reason to stay. And to see you…"

"You are sick, you know that? Really sick. Trying to use a baby to get closer to me? Leave me alone Sean!" I said, my temper becoming short. I didn't want to look at him anymore. I focused on Spinner's face in my mind. I crossed my arms over my chest and closed my eyes, my face tilted towards the sky.

A horn beeped, startling me. I looked around and saw JT's car at the end of the driveway.

And Sean had completely disappeared.

Alex

It's been five months since the day Craig stopped me from drinking, and I haven't picked up another bottle since then. He's been really supportive, and over this time, has become my best friend. Whenever I've been tempted to drink, I just call him and he usually talks me out of it.

I've been going to AA meetings too. Craig said he'd come with me but I wanted to do it alone. I didn't want to have to make him change his whole schedule just for that. The crazy thing about it is my sponsor. Her name is Elizabeth Nash. Yeah, Ellie's mom. That's definitely extremely awkward. She asks about Ellie at the end of every meeting, so I've been giving her a little information here and there. I haven't told Ellie yet. I don't know how.

New groups of friends have been forming. I hang out with Ellie, Jay, and Craig more often than I used to. Emma, Spinner, Manny, Paige, and JT are always together. Marco and Tim spend their time together, usually at Marco's house because of his dad. Then sometimes just Emma and Ellie hang out, and they invited me with them a few times. We have a lot of fun, and it always takes my mind off of Paige for awhile. We never usually see Jimmy all that much. He goes to school, and then goes home. He never accepts anyone's invitation to hang out.

I'm worried about him. He always acts depressed all the time, when he used to be so happy and energetic. So I found myself at the door to his apartment on Saturday night. Everyone, it seemed, was going out on dates, and Craig had to baby-sit Angela. I decided to get some fresh air and take a walk, and I ended up there.

"Jimmy?" I called out, knocking on the door. I could hear the TV going, but there was no answer. I tried two more times, and was about to turn and leave, but I decided to try the door first. It was unlocked, so I let myself in. I saw Jimmy in his wheelchair, sitting in the living room near the TV. "Why didn't you answer me?" I asked him, walking up behind him and around the chair.

I thought he was asleep at first. His head was tucked down with his chin to his chest, and his arms were dangling off the sides of the chair. But then I noticed that he was drenched in sweat, and it wasn't even hot in the apartment. His skin looked blue, and when I put a hand on his arm, he was cold and clammy.

I wasn't sure what happened, but I knew I needed to call 911. I just hoped they would get there in time.

Ellie

"Make it stop!" I screamed in Jay's ear.

"I can't," he whispered in mine, stroking my hair. I was lying in a hospital bed, writhing in pain every ten minutes.

"I want this baby out!"

It was the worst thing I'd ever experienced in my entire life. I didn't want to do it, but I knew I had to, and that was the only thing that kept me holding on.

Over the past five months, Jay and I have gotten closer again. He's been sleeping in my bed, rather than on the couch. And thankfully, I've seen less and less of Sean. He's just been working nonstop. To support the baby if it's his.

I cringed at the thought and rolled over, away from Jay, trying to get more comfortable.

Jay got a job too. Spinner helped him get a waiting position at The Dot. He makes pretty good tips, probably because people know now. Everyone knows about the baby. When I was about six months, I was too big to hide it anymore, and Paige figured it out. She didn't tell the whole school or anything, but I decided to confess it to Mr. Simpson. He told Mrs. Hatzilakos for me, and the news "accidentally" circulated from there.

Even though I've been getting dirty looks from some girls, I'm glad the secret's out. It's so much easier to be open about everything. I even talked to Ms. Sauvé, who gave me information on a few adoption agencies. I looked into that, but hesitated for a little while. I finally called them when I was eight months along, but since I waited, I haven't had time to pick a family. I get to do that after the baby is born.

Jay still begs me to keep it. I haven't found out if it's a boy or girl, because I didn't want to know. I don't ever want to know.

Everyone came to the hospital. And I mean everyone. It was amazing that so many people cared. Even Mrs. H showed up for a little while.

"Ellie?" the nurse asked as she walked into the room. "How are you feeling?"

"Terrible!" I groaned. "When is this over?"

"Once you're fully dilated. Right now you're at 5 centimeters—half way."

I groaned again and tried not to cry. I wasn't even sure how long I'd been there for. I knew it was hours—but I never looked at the clock. I was afraid to.

"Your mother's here," the nurse informed me once I stopped complaining.

"I don't want her to come in." I crossed my arms over my chest and rolled back to Jay.

"It's your decision. Are you sure?"

"Yes!" I shouted. Grabbing onto Jay's hand.

I heard the nurse leave the room, and Jay leaned forward to kiss my forehead.

"It's going to be alright," he told me. "But…maybe you should let your mom come in. Just for a minute anyway…" he trailed off, searching my eyes for an answer.

"Whyyyyy?" I whined, letting a few tears slide down my cheeks. "She destroyed my family and she doesn't support any of my decisions." I hadn't seen her since that horrible dinner we had at her house. It seemed like years ago and I was glad to put that memory behind me.

"But she's still your mother. I wish my mom were here, but she left us. Your mom hasn't left you Ellie. She wants to be here."

I saw the pain in his eyes and opened my arms to hug him. He kissed me softly and pressed his forehead against mine.

"Fine," I gave in. "But only a few minutes."

"I'll go get her."

I wanted to yell to him not to leave me, but I knew he shouldn't be in the room anyway. I was afraid that my mom would start saying bad things about him right in front of him. A minute later, I heard footsteps behind me and instantly recognized them as hers.

"Ellie, honey, how do you feel?" she asked, sitting down in front of me. I immediately closed my eyes and shook my head.

"Why does everyone ask me that when they know how painful this is?" I snapped.

"I'm sorry sweetheart. I know exactly how much pain you're in." For a second, I was really surprised. When my father left to go on his peacekeeping mission, my mother became angry and distant. And now, for the first time since then, she actually sounded caring. Like a real mother.

"You're not staying for the birth," I told her. I wasn't ready to warm up just yet, but I did open my eyes. She looked sad. "Jay is. He understands my decision and he supports me."

"Eleanor, I support you. I may not agree with your decision, but I will always support you. You have to do what's right for you," she said.

A few moments of silence passed and neither of us spoke. I looked down at her hands in her lap, gently folded together. She smiled as I looked up at her face.

"Ben's here…" she said, as if suggesting that he wanted to see me.

"He can't come in," I said sternly, crossing my arms.

"That's fine. But maybe you can give him a chance?" she asked rather than suggested it.

"He broke up our family!" I cried out, trying not to let the tears fall that were welling up behind my eyes.

"Don't blame him for that. If you want to blame anyone, then blame me."

"I blame both of you," I told her.

"Okay," she nodded her head. She wasn't going to say anything else.

"Ahhhhh!" I screamed as another contraction hit me. My mom immediately grabbed my hand and let me squeeze hers until it passed. Once it was over, I slipped my hand from hers and tucked it under my blanket.

"I love you Ellie."

I didn't say anything. I just listened to her footsteps as she left the room, and hoped Jay would come back soon. I needed him, not her.

Manny

Emma called me an hour after Ellie got to the hospital. She told me to invite everyone to come too because Ellie needed a lot of support. I called anyone I could think of, including Jimmy, but he didn't answer the phone.

When I went into the room and saw Ellie lying there, having contractions, I started to think back to my own baby, and how different things would be if I had it. I went back to the waiting room and struggled not to cry in front of anyone, especially not Craig.

Would it have been a boy or a girl? Would I have decided to keep the baby, or put it up for adoption? Would Craig and I still be together? Would I have ever fallen in love with Jimmy?

All of these thoughts raced through my mind. I didn't want to be there anymore, but I knew that I should stay. I should stop thinking about myself and think about Ellie. She needed me, just like Emma had needed me before. And Jimmy needed me. But I left him.

I choked back more tears and left the room to get something to drink. I decided to take a short walk outside. Once I got down to the first floor—the emergency room level—I was about to go out through the main doors when I heard his name.

"James Brooks…"

What? Was he here?

I spun around to find out where the voice came from that said his name. I found a nurse and a doctor on my right. I heard the doctor say his name and something about an overdose. I ran right over to them.

"Are you talking about Jimmy Brooks?" I asked, trying, once again, not to cry.

"Yes…" the doctor answered, obviously confused as to why I ran up to him and started asking questions.

"Is he here? What happened?" I begged them both for answers, and they exchanged glances.

"Are you family?" the doctor asked. He must have figured that I wasn't, but I knew it was the only way to see him.

"Yes."

"But…he's black. And you're…not," the nurse said. I narrowed my eyes at her.

"Are you being racist?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest. It was all a performance. I didn't know what else I could say to get into that room.

"Follow me," the doctor said, glaring at the nurse. We walked down the hallway and he stopped outside a room on the right. I saw Alex sitting on a bench outside the door.

"What are you doing here?" I asked her.

"I found him," she said. There were tears in her eyes. "I just went to his apartment to see if he was okay…"

"Thank you," I said to her. She stood up and I hugged her. It was the closest Alex and I had ever been.

"They won't tell me anything," she said, letting a few tears fall.

"I'll let you know as soon as I find out. For now you should go upstairs and see Ellie. She's having the baby!" I said excitedly.

Alex's eyes widened. A smile formed on her face and she nodded. I watched her walk down to the elevators before turning back to the doctor.

"What happened?" I asked him.

A/N: As I already told you, I won't be updating on such regular intervals, but don't worry, this story will get finished! There are only four chapters left. I want some guesses on what you think will happen next!

The title and lyrics at the beginning are from the song "Cannonball" by Damien Rice and he owns it.