Chapter Twenty-Eight: I Caught Fire
I'm melting in your eyes
Emma
"Em, wait up!" an unfortunately familiar voice called from behind me. I'd decided to walk home from school that day, since Spinner had something important do to and wouldn't be around to give me a ride home. I heard his feet pounding on the pavement as he ran to catch up.
"What do you want Sean?" I asked, my voice full of disgust. I hoped that I wouldn't have to see him again. I couldn't believe my week was so horrible already. It was only Monday.
"I just wanted to talk to you," he said, pushing down firmly on top of my arm, trying to stop me from walking away. I tore my arm from underneath his hand and kept going.
"Then talk. Make it quick because I'm picking Jack up." He sighed and I hoped that he would take the hint and just leave. But I wasn't that lucky.
"Why can't you give me another chance?" he asked me.
"What is wrong with you?" I yelled, stopping in my tracks completely. I was so close to Jack's daycare. Why couldn't he have just gone away? "I have a boyfriend! I'm in love with him! And I would never risk that for you." I made sure to put the right emphasis on that last word.
"What's so wrong with me?" He almost looked like he was going to cry. I didn't understand him at all. One minute he's yelling and the next he looks like he's crying.
"Nothing's wrong with you Sean. Well, I'm not so sure about that, the way you're using Ellie and her baby. But I have Spinner now. You were gone for four months. Did you expect everything to be the way you left it? Did you think that time would stop here in Toronto?" I asked.
"I thought that at least you'd wait for me. After the shooting…you were hanging all over me. I thought that you wanted to get back together and I needed to clear my head and think things through. And I came back for you. But you didn't even wait!"
"Are you INSANE?" I didn't care if anyone heard me. I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. "There was a shooting at school. We all changed because of it. I was hanging all over you because you saved my life!" I shrieked. "And you need to accept the fact that we're never going to get back together again. EVER!"
"No matter what you say, I know you had feelings for me then. And Ellie was never in love with me. How am I insane if I just wanted to be with someone who loved me," he said softly.
"The most important word in what you just said is had. I had feelings for you; past tense. And it doesn't matter how anyone felt about you. When you left, Ellie slept with Jay. She was devastated that you abandoned her, and she got drunk and did something stupid. I started getting high every night and sucking off every guy in the ravine, including Jay! But then Ellie and Jay found something in each other that they really needed to get through everything. And the same happened for Spinner and me.
"You did what you had to do when you left Sean. No one blames you for that. But you can't come back and want everyone to disrupt their lives so they can make you happy. You need to stop wasting your time on me and go find out if that baby is yours."
Sean Cameron must be deaf. Or just plan idiotic. Or maybe both. No, he's just a total asshole.
He forced his lips against mine right after I finished yelling at him. I tried to back away, but he held my arms—hard—and tried to shove his tongue down my throat. I did the only thing I could think of—I kneed him in the groin.
He doubled over in pain but quickly stood back up. I didn't know what he was going to do, so I pulled my arm back and threw it forward, letting my fist connect with his right eye.
"Leave me ALONE!" I yelled, storming off towards the daycare, finally satisfied with myself.
Jay
I held the envelope in my hands.
The past three days had been close to agonizing, but I wasn't sure I wanted to open it. It might say that Sean was the father, and then I'd be crushed. Or it could say that I was the father, and then what? Would I sign my rights away like Ellie had?
My thoughts drifted to Ellie. She hasn't spoken to me since I told her I had to do the test. She was told she could be released from the hospital five hours after she gave birth, so she just left. She never looked at her daughter, and actually went out of her way to not pass the nursery. I was there, with her the entire time, but she wanted her mom to wheel her out. She didn't even argue when we got into Ben's car and he drove us home.
I wasn't allowed in her room, or the baby's room. It was back to sleeping on the couch, which ended up as me sleeping on the floor. I was just so used to having room in Ellie's bed that I couldn't stay in one place, curled up like that. So I sprawled out on the floor and woke up with a stiff back and neck.
I heard a loud bang and Ellie screaming upstairs on Saturday, the day after the baby was born, and I thought she might be hurt. I rushed up the stairs, only to be hit by a tiny baby shoe—one from a pair that Spinner bought for the baby.
Ellie yelled at me to leave her alone. I walked further into the baby's room to find the crib turned over on its side, the dresser drawers pulled open, and all of the baby clothes thrown around the room. The lamp that Abby gave me, her old night light, was lying on the ground, with the shade a few feet from it and the light bulb crushed into the carpet.
I asked her why she was doing it, and she just glared at me. She wouldn't talk to me at all, and she stomped into her own room and slammed the door. I wouldn't let her get to me that easily. I wouldn't yell at her or ask her to fix what she did. I silently picked up every piece of clothing and re-folded them, placing them neatly in the dresser. The shoes went back on top of the dresser. I put the crib back where it belonged and made sure it wasn't broken. And finally, I put Abby's lamp up on the little nightstand it was on before, finding a new light bulb for it before cleaning up the old, broken one.
Ellie never came out of her room that night, and I didn't see her again until dinner on Sunday. Her dad didn't bother her either. He found out that she was putting the baby up for adoption and supported her decision. While he said he was sad that his granddaughter wasn't going to be coming home, he knew it was a hard decision for his daughter to make. Ellie's mom called about five times a day, asking how she was, but she didn't come over to see her because we all knew that it would cause more problems.
Even Ellie's friends couldn't make her come out of her room or cheer her up. The only person she actually let into her room was Manny, which was a complete shock at first, until we realized why. Manny knew what it was like to lose a child, even if it had been under completely different circumstances. Manny's visit had been on Sunday night but she didn't stay long because she said she had to get back to the hospital to stay with Jimmy.
I drove Manny back to the hospital and visited the baby. It was the third time I'd gone to see her since Ellie went home on Friday. She was so beautiful, and I wanted to hold her so bad, but I couldn't. The adoption process had been put on hold until the DNA test results came back, and a family wouldn't be found until Sean or I signed away our parental rights too.
I watched the baby for a long time, and didn't even realize that I was crying. Nurses came up to me and asked me if I was okay, but all I could do was point to the baby. They understood and kept walking.
The name card on her bed said "baby girl" and nothing else. There was no last name at all. She weighed seven pounds, six ounces, and was twenty-two inches long. After I'd been standing there for a good two hours, I felt a hand on my shoulder. With all my heart, I wanted to turn and see Ellie standing there, crying with me, and telling me that she changed her mind. But I knew I couldn't be that lucky. I turned and instead of seeing Ellie, I saw Alex.
"You okay?" she asked, wiping a few tears from my cheeks. I felt like the girl in the situation, being so damn emotional about the baby.
"No," I shook my head and started to cry all over again. Alex gave me just what I needed: a hug.
We wrapped our arms around each other and stood there for a few minutes like that. It felt good to know that someone cared about how I was feeling. Ellie wasn't the only one hurting by this situation, and unlike her, I was ready to let someone in.
Finally feeling like I could leave the hospital without crying again, I offered Alex a ride to wherever she wanted.
"Why don't you come over my house?" she asked me. "I promise I won't try anything." That statement brought a genuine smile to my face. Alex knew me better than anyone. And she knew that in the past, it would have been me saying that very same thing.
I didn't answer her; I just drove to her house and followed her inside. We went straight up to her room, something no one in the house questioned. They knew that nothing would happen between us. And it wasn't only because Alex was a lesbian, it was also because I loved Ellie with all of my heart, and I would never do that to her, whether we were fighting or not.
She sat up on her bed and motioned for me to sit next to her. We both leaned against the headboard and stretched our legs out. It was almost as if Alex could sense that I was getting upset again, because she suddenly grabbed onto my hand with hers, and just held it.
"Why don't we watch a movie?" she asked me.
"Sure," I shrugged my shoulders. Since Ellie wouldn't even look at me, I had nothing better to do.
"You can stay the night if you need to," she told me, looking right up into my eyes.
"What is this, Dawson's Creek?" I joked. We both laughed for a minute or two. It felt so good to laugh.
"You mean you actually watched that show?" Alex asked, making fun of me. I stuck my tongue out at her and smiled.
"Only for the hot girls," I replied, poking her in her ribs. She jumped away from me and stuck her tongue out too.
"I know what you mean!" That brought even more laughs out of both of us. When we finally calmed down, we forgot about any movie we were going to watch and just talked for almost three hours, bringing back all the memories of our relationship.
"Alex, I've really missed you," I told her once the room had gotten quiet. "As a friend, I mean," I added.
"Me too," she agreed, hugging me again. "I'll always be here for you if you need me."
"Same here." We both sighed, as if we still had things on our minds that were left unsaid. And we were probably thinking about the same thing. About how much easier it would have been if she wasn't a lesbian, and if we hadn't broken up. And we both knew that even though it would be easier, we wouldn't want it to be like that. We moved on and found people, other people, that we really loved. And we were fine with just being friends.
"You gonna be okay?" she asked me.
"I think so. But what about you? Are you okay?" I asked. I was referring to what happened with that creep Jordan.
"I don't know. He's somewhere out there Jay. The police never found him," she said quietly. I could tell that she was holding back tears.
"He's never going to hurt you again," I told her. "I'll make sure of that."
"I know," she sighed, laying down on her pillow and looking up at me. "I just want that bastard to get what he deserves." I lay down too, on the pillow next to her, and faced her. I ran a hand through her hair and tucked it behind her ear.
"He will," I assured her. She brought herself closer to me and laid her head on my chest. I wrapped my arms around her and closed my eyes…
And that had been what my weekend was like. I woke up around ten on Monday morning, still in Alex's arms. I drove her to school upon her request, even though she was a few hours late. We hugged one last time before she got out of the car. I couldn't go to school that day. I knew I wouldn't be able to concentrate. My thoughts drifted to Ellie once again, and how she'd been in Media Immersions when her water broke on Friday.
I rushed home, showered and changed my clothes, and waited. I knew that a messenger would be bringing the results by. I almost wanted to just go to the hospital and make them give it to me, but I didn't want to be in a public place when I read them.
I watched TV, trying to make the time pass faster, but I couldn't concentrate on any of the shows except one. It was an old re-run of Dawson's Creek. I laughed as I thought of my conversation with Alex, but then I actually watched it. It was the episode where Joey had to take care of her sister's baby and she couldn't get anything done. She yelled at Pacey and made him leave, even though he was trying to help. I turned the television off and couldn't watch it anymore. I remembered that later in that episode, or maybe in the next one, Joey apologized to Pacey and knew that he really could help her.
Why couldn't it be like that with Ellie?
I heard the kitchen door open and close, causing me to look at the clock. It was already three-thirty, and I knew it must be Sean. My suspicions were confirmed when I heard his bedroom door slam. I still sat there, waiting and waiting for the results. Nearly an hour and a half later, they came.
I held the envelope in my hands.
I knew I had to open it, but I couldn't do it alone. I made my way to Sean's bedroom door and knocked. He had a right to know if it was his or not. When he didn't answer the door, I called out to him.
"Sean, I have the test results!" I yelled, pounding on the door one more time. I finally just pushed the door open, and couldn't believe my eyes. He was gone. And by gone, I mean gone. I must have been so wrapped up in my thoughts that I didn't even hear him leave. The room looked like it had never been occupied by anyone, let alone a lazy teenage guy. Except for one thing: the note on the pillow.
What is this, some kind of movie?
Please tell Ellie and Emma that I'm sorry. I can't stay here, and I don't want to know about the baby. So don't try to contact me at all. I'm going to Wasaga and I'm never coming back.
Good, I thought. Either way, I didn't really want to have to open the envelope with him.
Instead, I made my way up the stairs. I knew Ellie would still be in her room. There was no way she'd be going to school this soon.
"Ellie?" I called out, lightly knocking on the door.
"Go away!" she yelled at me.
"Please just hear me out," I said.
I slowly sank to the floor and sat down right outside the door. She didn't say anything, so I assumed that she was listening. Unless she had headphones on or something, she didn't really have a choice anyway. I was going to talk, whether she liked it or not.
"Ellie, I just couldn't go my whole life wondering if that little girl was mine or not. It would torture me for the rest of my life. So I had to do this test. I'm holding the envelope in my hands right now, and I don't want to open it without you. I need you here with me. I know that you're hurting but I am too.
"I want you to know that if this baby is mine, I will go down to the adoption agency with you and sign away my parental rights. I love you Ellie, and I trust you. If you think that our baby will be better off with another family, then I believe you. I don't want to lose you over this. I love you too much."
I waited and waited for an answer. Maybe she wasn't listening at all. No sound came from the other side of her door. Had she heard any of it at all? Did she care about what I said? Did she believe me?
I got my answer when I heard the door click and it slowly swung open. Ellie quickly returned to her bed and sat on it, but I didn't care. She'd opened the door for me.
I crossed the room and sat next to her, pulling her into my arms.
"It might not be our baby," she said. I felt her tears on my neck a few moments later.
"I know, but either way, I love you." I pulled back and held her face in my hands, looking into her eyes. Tears spilled onto my hands but I just kept looking at her, waiting for her response.
"I love you too," she said. That reaction took my completely by surprise. I told Ellie that I loved her five months ago. And until now, she hadn't said it back at all. I knew she had some kind of feelings for me, but I wasn't sure if she loved me back.
"You do?" I asked. She nodded her head and explained.
"I didn't want to say it back before because I was afraid of losing you. And if I lost you, I didn't want to have to regret telling you that I loved you. I always have. Jay, you are one of the most important people in my life, and I couldn't have done any of this without you. In the hospital, I thought that you chose the baby over me. And I know that you love her, even if she might not be yours, and part of me was happy that someone chose her. But the other part of me hurt so bad that I might be losing you."
"You'll never lose me."
I kissed her then, so hard that I thought she would fall off the bed. I missed being close to her, holding her, and kissing her. She wrapped her arms around me and laid her head on my shoulder. I closed my eyes and felt her there, pressed against me, and knew I made the right decision. I couldn't live without her.
A few minutes later, she pulled away and kissed me, much softer.
"What does she look like?" she asked, grabbing onto my hand.
"Are you sure you want to know?" I asked her. She nodded, so I described the baby. "She's beautiful. She looks like you—she has your eyes and her hair is exactly like yours. She's the cutest baby I've ever seen." I left out the features that I thought she shared with me.
"I want to see her," Ellie said softly.
"Really?" I asked. "Are you sure about this?"
"Just once. I want to see her before she's gone."
We got in my car and went straight to the hospital. The envelope was still unopened, folded in half and stuck in my back pocket. It could wait. I knew it was important for Ellie to see her daughter.
When we got there, I pointed out the baby to a nurse that I hadn't seen before. She held her up and Ellie pressed her hand against the glass. I saw tears streaming out of her cheeks and I put an arm around her, pulling her close to me. A few minutes later, after the baby was put back down, Ellie finally spoke.
"She has your nose. And your lips." She looked over at me and I nodded. "Open it."
I didn't ask if she was sure. I pulled the envelope out of my pocket and tore it open. I scanned the page and found the answer that we'd all been looking for. Tears pushed their way out of my eyes and I put my back to the giant window, slowly sliding to sit on the floor. Ellie took the paper from me and read it, then joined me on the floor.
"You're her father," she whispered. I nodded my head again and buried it in my hands. I felt her arms around me and her head on my shoulder. We cried together for what seemed like hours, but was probably only about ten minutes.
I found myself sitting at the adoption agency a half hour later with the paper in front of me. I read it over and over before signing it. I wouldn't take back the promise that I made Ellie, but it still wouldn't be easy for me.
I held the pen right above the page. My hand was shaking and tears threatened to spill over my eyes any second. I lowered the pen and made a dot. I shakily signed a 'J.'
"Stop!" Ellie yelled. I instantly pulled the pen back and looked at her.
"Can I see my paper?" she asked the woman behind the desk. She was the lady that Ellie had been talking to for months. The paper was handed over, and Ellie stared at it. I watched in awe as she took the top of it between her hands and pulled in two different directions. The paper made a loud noise as it ripped in half, and it echoed in my ears.
"What are you doing?" I asked. I looked to the woman and thought that she'd be angry. But instead, she was smiling.
"We're taking our daughter home today," Ellie said to both of us.
"It's your decision to make," the lady said. She stood up and hugged Ellie, and then even me. I was still shocked, and it didn't sink in until the lady ripped my paper up too.
"Come on, Sophie's waiting," Ellie said, leaning on me as we walked out of the building.
"Sophie? That was my grandmother's name," I said.
"And now it's our daughter's name."
A/N: You guys get two chapters in one day since I made you wait so long. These would have both been up earlier than this, but my stupid internet has been down! Please review, it means a lot to me.
Let me know if you like the name or not...it took me forever to think of one. Since the name "Jason" is Greek, I ended up looking for a girl's name that was Greek too. I couldn't think of anything else!
The title and lyrics in the chapter are from the song "I Caught Fire" by The Used and they own it.