Chapter Twenty-Nine: Don't Look Back
Live through this and you won't look back
Alex
They found him. Jordan.
The police called Simpson this morning, and he came straight to Joey's to tell me that he was found last night, at a motel in Ottawa. To know that he was only a few hours away this whole time really got to me. He might have been waiting to come back when he thought the coast was clear. Or he might have been trying to find another girl to torture. The cops hadn't even been concerned about finding him anymore since it's been over five months since he ran. If he hadn't used his credit card at the motel, they probably would've never found him.
Simpson also told me that there was going to be a trial. It was starting in a few hours. I couldn't bring myself to go along with him. He said not to worry, that he'd make sure he got what he deserved. The police already had the tape, and Jay, Spinner, and I gave them statements as well, so I didn't really have to testify. I couldn't. I only hoped that the tape would be enough.
I didn't have anyone to talk to. If we weren't on such bad terms, I would have liked to talk to Paige. She would understand completely. But I just couldn't call her. I picked up the phone, dialed half of her number, and hung it up before finishing.
The next person that came to mind was Jay. We were slowly getting our friendship back on track. And he always helped me out with Mom's boyfriends in the past. But then I remembered that he had a baby. And he didn't need my problems added on top of his while he tried to figure out how to raise his kid.
I would talk to Craig. He's been the person that I've been able to talk to these past five months. He helped me stop drinking and he knew everything about my situation. But he was at work, and wouldn't be home until late.
And then my thoughts somehow drifted to Jimmy. I wondered how he was doing. I knew he was still in a coma, or else Manny would have called everyone to let us know he had woken up. I briefly considered visiting him and spilling all of my problems into his lap, but he couldn't talk back, and Manny only leaves the room to go to school.
I realized at that moment how alone I really was. I was going to try and scrounge up a drink from somewhere; anywhere. But I decided against it. I had the power over that addiction and I wouldn't let myself sink back into my old habits. All I wanted to do was talk with someone, or at least have someone tell me that everything would be okay. I had no idea if it was, but I just needed to hear it.
Spinner
"Have I told you today that I love you?" I asked Emma, wrapping my arms around her waist. I wanted to get her mind off of Jordan while we waited for his trial to end. Mr. Simpson told us that it could take anywhere between a few hours and a few years to be settled. I was sure that it would be a few hours, especially with all of the evidence we had against him.
We sat in the park after our picnic. It was our first attempt at a picnic since the one we had in her backyard so long ago, when she couldn't eat. And today, she ate her entire sandwich. I felt so overwhelmed with joy. It was really the first sign I got that she was going to be okay.
"Yes, about a million times." She groaned, but I knew she was only joking. She'd already told me that she would never get tired of hearing it. "And you know what?" she asked me.
"What?"
"I love you too."
She twisted her back and shoulders so that she was able to look right into my eyes. I knew she meant it just as much as I did. I quickly closed the distance between us and kissed her. She turned her body all the way around—still deep in the kiss—so that she was completely facing me.
I pulled Emma towards me, as close as I could, just so I could feel her body pressed against mine. We kissed for what seemed like hours. I got caught up in the moment and slowly lowered myself until my back was on the ground. I pulled her down on top of me and she didn't seem to mind.
My hands strayed up her shirt as we kissed, my tongue making its way into her mouth, dissolving into her tongue. She still didn't mind.
She didn't protest at all when I pulled her shirt right off over her head. We kissed for a few more minutes and I reached up to unhook her bra. That's when she minded.
"Spinner!"
"What? There's no one around at all Em. No one can see you." She remembered where we were and as she sat up, her eyes flew around the park, making sure I was right. Then she picked up her shirt and pulled it on. I was still lying on the ground and she straddled my body, sitting right on my crotch.
"I told you I didn't want to have sex before I get married," she said softly.
"Emma, I wasn't planning on having sex with you. I only wanted a better view," I told her, grinning. She frowned.
I instantly felt terrible. Although she'd been talking with Ms. Sauvé and someone in rehab about her rape for five months, I wasn't sure if I was reminding her of it or not. I'd purposely let her be on top of me so she didn't feel like I was trying to dominate her.
"I'm sorry," I said, looking away from her. I felt her get up and I thought she was going to leave. Instead, she lay down next to me on the blanket and kissed me.
"I believe you, and I love you. I don't want you to feel bad because it's not your fault," she told me. I kissed her cheek and pulled her into a hug.
"I love you too, and I'll never stop loving you," I said. I was being completely sincere.
"I won't either," she whispered, laying her head on my chest.
We stayed like that for almost a half hour. I started to fall asleep, but jumped awake at the sound of thunder. I didn't know if Emma was sleeping or not, but I wanted to ask her something. I'd been thinking about it for so long.
"Before I say this, I want you to know that it's not about sex at all. I will never leave you Emma. I want to be with you always, no matter what. So, I'm asking you…"
I trailed off, unsure of whether I should continue. Maybe she was asleep, maybe she wasn't listening. Her head pressing closer to my chest told me that she was listening.
"…to marry me."
She shot up and looked into my eyes. The expression on her face was full of surprise; nothing more. I saw her swallow and heard thunder bellow in the distance. She opened her mouth to say something and her phone rang.
Emma
"It's my dad," I said as I looked at my phone. It had been about five hours since he left for the trial this morning. Could it really be over?
"Answer it," Spinner urged me, looking slightly disappointed. I knew he wanted an answer to his question. But I wasn't sure if I could give him one or not.
"Dad?" I said into the phone.
"Hi honey. Could you do me a favor and go over to Joey's? I have something to tell you two. I'll be there in about twenty minutes," he told me.
"Is it over?" I was afraid of the answer. But I was even more afraid of what he was going to tell us in twenty minutes.
"It's over Emma."
I sighed and closed my phone. Tears came, fast and hard. I had no idea whether they were form relief, or fear, or something else. Spinner hugged me tightly and let me cry into his shoulder for a few minutes.
"We have to go to Joey's," I finally told him. He nodded. As we picked up the blanket and remains of our picnic, a light rain started to fall. I prayed that it was a good sign as we made our way to the car.
I tapped my foot nervously. Alex was next to me on the couch, and we were holding hands. We'd been enemies before this; before Jordan brought us together in some kind of relationship. It wasn't a friendship, just an understanding.
Spinner sat on my other side, holding my other hand. Joey was in his chair and kept checking his watch. It had been a half hour since my dad called.
"Where is he?" I groaned. "He said twenty minutes…"
Right after I said it, there was a knock at the front door.
"Come in!" Joey yelled, unable to get up. His leg was bouncing and his hands were shaking. He was concerned for Alex's well being, especially since (in a certain sense) he was her father now. He adopted her and he cares about her and he wants her to be okay. And I guess he's concerned about me too—though this time Jordan isn't directly affecting me—probably because he's known me since I was born.
I didn't realize I'd been spacing out until I heard my mother's voice. So that's why it took so long. He picked my mom up, and they must have dropped Jack off somewhere. Joey still couldn't move from his spot, so Spinner got up and retrieved chairs from the kitchen for my parents to sit in. He offered his spot to my mother, but she politely declined. A few seconds later, his hand slipped into mine again. I felt warm and safe, and I hoped that Alex did too.
"I wanted to make sure I got everyone together before I told you anything," my dad began, looking around the room at all of us. I could see the anger in his eyes. I prayed that the anger was because he'd just seen Jordan, not because we lost.
"I don't mean to be rude, but can we skip right into the decision?" Alex asked. I squeezed her hand and she squeezed back. Dad nodded.
"Jordan plead guilty to all of the charges brought against him—my guess was so he could get a lesser sentence. That, and he knew he couldn't win with all the evidence they had against him."
"What were all of the charges?" I asked. Dad looked at Alex, waiting to get her approval. He wasn't going to say them if she didn't want him to. She nodded, so he continued.
"Resisting Arrest, Level Two Sexual Assault, and two counts of Assault—one for Alex and one for Jason," he explained.
"How long is he going to prison?" I didn't even recognize Alex's voice. It was small and fragile—definitely not the voice I'd come to hate hearing over the few years that I'd known her.
"Fifteen years."
The mood in the room got so much lighter at that moment. It was like we all breathed a sigh of relief at the same time.
"I guess he didn't get much of a lesser sentence," Spinner said. It was the first time he talked since we'd gotten there.
"For the guilty plea, all they did was drop the resisting arrest charge. Since he's been in trouble with the law before, they weren't too lenient on him at all."
"He deserves it," I said. I stood up and hugged my dad. Then I hugged my mom, Alex, Joey, and Spinner. Everyone stood up and hugged everyone else after that. Then, we sat around for a half hour talking about anything that popped in our heads.
Joey had to pick Angela up, and my parents had to get Jack, so that left Alex, Spinner, and I sitting in the living room.
"Can I talk to you for a minute?" Alex asked me. I nodded and followed her up to her bedroom, leaving Spinner down on the couch. Once we got in her room, she closed her door.
"What's up?" I asked.
"I wanted to say…that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for treating you like shit ever since I met you. And I'm sorry for what Jordan did to you because I've been through it too. You were so young then and I'm sorry that it had to happen to you."
I stepped forward and I pulled her into my arms, holding her tight against me. She cried into my shoulder and I held her in my arms until she was done. When we pulled apart, our cheeks were tear-stained and our eyes were puffy and red, but we smiled.
"I'm sorry too. I wish we'd been friends from the beginning. You're a really great person. And you're strong to have endured all of that. Nothing ever happened to me in that room. He tried, but my parents got there in time. I was lucky that night, and I wish you could have been lucky too."
We hugged one more time. Maybe it wasn't just an understanding. Maybe it really was a friendship.
Ellie
I swore I'd never talk to her again. I didn't want to call her now, but who else was there? Jay and my dad were working late, and there was no answer on Emma's cell or at her house. Not even Spinner answered his cell. Or Alex.
I didn't want to call her, but I had to. I picked up the phone and dialed.
"Mom? Please help me!" I shouted into the phone. It was all I had to say. She hung up quickly, and I knew she was on her way over.
Three weeks ago, Sophia Jade Hogart-Nash came home from the hospital with her mom and dad. And I haven't slept since.
I guess it was my fault the first night. When Jay and I went back to the hospital to announce that we were taking her home, I held her for the first time. As soon as she was in my arms, I broke down in tears. I felt like a horrible mother, making her wait so long to be held.
For three days, she laid in a stupid little plastic box, while I went home and sulked. My daughter—it's still so weird to say or even think—cried and was alone for three days while I cried about leaving her. I'm probably the worst mother ever.
When we got home that evening, I couldn't put her down. I fed her the same formula that the hospital had been giving her. I changed her diaper three times, put her in one of her brand new dresses, and carried her around the house. Even when she fell asleep in my arms, I didn't want to put her in her bassinet. We decided that she'd sleep in the bassinet for the first few months, right there by my bed—or should I say our bed. That way, when she cried at night, I'd be right there by her side. When she gets too big for it, she'll sleep in her crib in her nursery.
Jay finally got to hold her when she woke up around five for more food and another diaper change. I let him do those duties while I took a shower, and when I got out, I found her asleep in the bassinet, with her diaper on backwards. I gave him a quick lesson, which woke her up. That was a big mistake, because she didn't go back to bed until two in the morning.
Since I was feeling fine, I decided to go back to school a week after she came home. Jay had been going, and I refused to let him miss a day. I was so proud that he was still in school, after everyone doubted him and thought he would quit. My dad, being the greatest man on Earth, offered to change his hours at work so he could be with Sophie during the day.
School did not go well. I woke up at least three times a night with the baby. I'd have to get up, feed her, and change her diaper. She usually woke up at midnight, two, and four. It took a half hour each time to get her back to sleep. Sometimes she decided to wake up at five too.
I ended up catching up on sleep during class, which just pissed my teachers off. They knew my situation, but I still wasn't allowed to sleep at school. I was always cranky and snapped at them when they asked me questions. And when I was actually in a good mood, my thoughts always drifted to Sophie. I wondered if she was okay, if she was eating enough or sleeping enough. I called my dad about five times every day, just to ask how she was doing.
With my lack of sleep and concentration, my grades plummeted. I went from straight A's to two C's, three D's, and two F's. At least one of my teachers called home every day, to inform my father that I was sleeping in class again, failed a test, or skipped class. I only skipped one class, when my dad made the mistake of telling me over the phone that Sophie couldn't get to sleep. I went straight home, rocked her to sleep, and refused to go back.
I couldn't handle being a new mother and going to high school. I knew I wouldn't be able to get my grades up and keep them up for three more months. So, after a week back, I quit school.
Aside from giving birth, quitting school was the hardest thing I'd ever done. I wouldn't be graduating with my friends—I probably wouldn't be graduating at all. My dad tried to change my mind, but he could tell that I was having a difficult time.
I made a mistake when I got drunk and slept with Jay. But it's a mistake that I'd never take back. I love my daughter more than anyone, and she comes first in my life. I quit school so I could take care of her, and she was more important to me than a diploma.
With my dad back to his old schedule, it was just Sophie and I all day long. Though I missed Jay and knew he was at school, doing what I couldn't do, I enjoyed my time alone with our daughter. I didn't want to miss a moment of her life. I wanted to be there for her first smile, first tooth, first step, first word. I wanted to be there for everything, and I would be.
It was the end of my second week staying home with her. I don't know what I did wrong, but something happened. Something bad happened and no one was there to help me.
"Eleanor! What happened?" my mom yelled as she ran into the house. Ben came right up behind her, but I didn't care. I only cared about Sophie.
"I don't know!" I screamed at her. Tears soaked my shirt—my own and Sophie's—and we were both covered in her vomit. "She started throwing up her formula two days ago. I thought it was normal spit-up but it just keeps getting worse," I said between sobs, trying to calm down.
"Did she swallow something? Or hit her head? Or…"
"MOM!" I screamed, interrupting her. "I don't neglect my daughter. I haven't left her alone for a second. Of course she didn't swallow something or hit her head! I think she lost weight too. I called you for help!" I started to cry again, which didn't help Sophie.
"Ben, put the baby in the car," my mother instructed.
"I'll do it," I said, holding her closer to me.
"Ellie, you need to pack her clothes and bottles. We'll probably be at the hospital for a long time."
"HE can pack stuff. Her room is upstairs." I wouldn't look at Ben. And I definitely did not want him holding my daughter.
"It's okay," he said before my mom could protest further. He walked around me to go up the stairs, and Sophie suddenly stopped crying. I saw her open her mouth and formula starting shooting out. Right into Ben's face.
I had to laugh. I was still worried, but I felt so much better. My mother ignored both of us and went upstairs to get Sophie's things. I brought her out to the car and buckled her into the car seat that was sitting in the back. I realized after a minute that it was my old car seat. And my mom must have put it in the car for Sophie, thinking that she'd get to spend time with her.
My attention was back on my daughter in a flash when she started to throw up again. I screamed for my mom, who came running out that moment with a bag in her hand. Ben followed, with his face cleaned off. We rushed to the hospital, Sophie and I crying the entire way.
Why did it have to happen to her? She's only been home three weeks and something terrible has happened.
"Your daughter has pyloric stenosis," Dr. Hill, the fourth doctor that I'd talked to, told me. We'd been at the hospital for nearly six hours, waiting for someone to see her, and then waiting for tests to be done.
"What?" I nearly screamed at him. I assumed that after all of the waiting, they'd tell me that she had a bad reaction to her formula and I needed to change it. "What does that even mean?"
"The lower part of the stomach that connects to the small intestine is called the pylorus. With Sophie's condition, the muscles in this area of her stomach have enlarged so much that the pylorus is too narrow for the formula to pass through."
"You lost me at stomach," I said angrily, crossing my arms. I'm too upset and worried about my daughter to even follow what you're saying!"
"Sophie can't digest her formula," he said.
"I figured as much! If she's throwing up just about every five seconds, that means the food isn't going down. What kind of medicine does she need to fix it?" I asked impatiently. I was tired of waiting and tired of listening to four different doctors—I was just plain tired.
"It's not that simple. Sophie is dehydrated. First, we have to give her water and minerals through an IV. And then…"
"And then what?" I shouted. I was so afraid of what he was going to say. I felt my mother's hand on my shoulder, and I didn't shrug it off. I actually wanted her there. The doctor turned to look through the doors. My eyes followed his gaze to my daughter. She was lying in one of those stupid plastic boxes, crying her head off. She was screaming and crying and I couldn't take it. I started to cry then.
"She'll need surgery to fix the problem," Dr. Hill finished.
My heart started pounding so hard that I thought it was going to leap out of my chest. She was fine for three weeks. Three weeks. Why did she have to be sick now? Why did she need surgery? I stared at my little girl through the door and cried. I realized after a moment that the doctor was still talking to me. I had no idea what he'd said, but I didn't really care.
"Give her anything she needs," I said.
"I'm afraid there's a problem."
"What?" I yelled.
"Honey, why don't I talk to the doctor and then I'll let you know what's wrong. You should try calling Jason again," my mom suggested, squeezing my shoulder.
I knew she didn't want any more of a scene made, and since I was so tired, I listened to her. With one last look at Sophie, I sighed and walked away.
"She's under a lot of stress with the new baby. Please forgive her for her mood." I heard her explain to the doctor as I walked away.
I called Jay and left yet another message on his voicemail. Then I found an empty chair in the waiting room and sat down. There were so many people surrounding me, but I just didn't care. I sat, pulled my knees up to my chest, and cried.
"How can this be happening?" I sobbed into Jay's shoulder. He'd finally made it to the hospital, after he got out of work. His cell phone had to be turned off during his shift, and he'd sped to the hospital as soon as he got my messages.
"Everything's going to be okay," he said into my ear, rubbing my back. "She's going to be fine."
"How can you say that?" I pulled my head back and looked into his eyes. "We don't have the money to pay for this. They did all kinds of tests, and they have to give her medicine, and then they have to do surgery! Dr. Hill said it would cost almost $10,000!" I screamed. We were out in the parking lot, sitting on the hood of Jay's car. My mother told him it was a good idea for me to get fresh air while we waited for Sophie to be moved up to the NICU.
"Your parents' insurance will pay for it, won't they?" Jay asked me.
"That's the problem! They'll only pay for half of it. Half! That means we'll owe the hospital five thousand dollars. If we can't afford the surgery, they'll take her away and give her to someone who can!" I screamed.
"No one is taking her away," Jay said firmly, grabbing onto my hands. "I have $2,500 in an account for her."
"Even with that, we still need $2,500 more. Neither of my parents can give us that kind of money Jay. But what about your dad?" I asked him. His dad had a lot of money.
"He'd never give it to me Ellie. And I can't go back there—not after what happened."
Jay had explained his entire past with his dad. And as I remembered all of the terrible things that he'd done to him, I instantly regretted suggesting it in the first place.
"Then they're going to take her away," I said softly, a fresh batch of tears pushing their way out of my eyes. Jay pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me.
"No one is taking her from us."
"How can you be so sure?" I asked between sobs.
"I won't let them."
A/N: Sorry I took so long to update! I've been so busy these past two weeks with tests and quizzes and essays. I also had research to do for Jordan's charges and prison sentence, as well as Sophie's condition. Please review and let me know if the story is still good. I want to make sure it's not disappointing anyone! There are only two chapters left. The lyrics at the beginning of the chapter are from the song "Your Ex-Lover Is Dead" by Stars and they own it.