Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Lizzie McGuire characters.

Previously:

They waited another hour, until the Dr. Kessler's nurse called them up to his office on the seventh floor. They rode the elevator, Lizzie feeling as if her stomach were twisted in a knot. Perhaps it was just being back in the hospital that was making her nervous, she wasn't sure. All she knew was that she wanted to see a smile in Dr. Kessler's face and hear him give Gordo a clean bill of health.

Roberta: "The last time your scans were negative. No reason they shouldn't be the same now."

But when they walked into Dr. Kessler's office, he wasn't smiling. Behind him, X rays were mounted on the light board so that they glowed clearly in dull gray and white.

Gordo: "Is that me?"

Dr. Kessler: "That's you. And I'm afraid there's a problem. There's a mass in your chest."

Chapter 6-Pushing Her Away

Gordo: "A mass?"

Dr. Kessler: "A growth…..a small tumor."

He said as he was tapping Gordo's chest.

Dr. Kessler: "It's here on your left side, between your lung and your heart."

Instantly Gordo was on his feet, rage registering on his face.

Gordo: "What do you mean a tumor? Are you saying that I'm not well? Are you telling us that after all that stinking chemotherapy, I still have cancer?"

Dr. Kessler: "Hodgkin's is a tricky beast, David. Your lymph system networks your whole body. All it takes is one maverick cell to escape and settle elsewhere." he said in a calm voice.

Roberta looked so pale, Lizzie thought she might faint, and Lizzie felt as if she herself might throw up.

Lizzie: "I don't believe it. I don't believe that after all Gordo's been through, he isn't cured of this thing." she cried.

Dr. Kessler: "He's in remission. And when caught early, seventy-five percent of all newly diagnosed Hodgkin's is curable."

Roberta: "What about my son?!"

Dr. Kessler: "This is just a setback. Usually remissions last longer."

Gordo: "I don't want to go back on chemo. I don't want to take that stuff again!" he shouted.

Dr. Kessler stood and took Gordo by the shoulders.

Dr. Kessler: "You won't do chemo again. At least, not now. I'm going to put you into radiation treatments."

Roberta: "Radiation?"

Dr. Kessler: "Radiation will shrink the mass so that we can remove it surgically. It might possibly eliminate it altogether."

Gordo: "I can't miss anymore school. I'm already behind and I don't want to be sick and throwing up like before."

Dr. Kessler: "Radiation is not like chemo. And you will be assigned to a new doctor. A friend of mine, Dr. John Laramore, is a radiation oncologist, he'll be handling your case."

Lizzie felt as if they were trapped in a bad dream, one that was circular and kept coming back to the same starting place. Why couldn't Gordo get out of this nightmare?

Dr. Kessler made several phone calls and gave Gordo fresh assurances. Then Lizzie, Gordo, and his mom left. The very next day, Gordo was to start his radiation therapy. He had planned to go to the gym and begin his weight-lifting schedule, but instead he would report to Dr. Laramore to begin another journey into the unknown.

Lizzie's father refused to believe the news when Lizzie told him. He ranted and raved, hopped into his car, and tore over to see Gordo. Depressed, Lizzie flopped on the sofa and flipped through channels without pausing. Her mother watched her for a few mintues, then came and took the remote control form her hand and turned the television off.

Jo: "I'm sorry, Lizzie."

Lizzie: "It isn't fair mom! Gordo did exactly what the doctors told him to do…..everything! And now he's right back at square one."

Jo: "Maybe not. Maybe the tumor is a freak thing that the radiation will clear right up."

Lizzie: "Well I'm going with him tomorrow and I'm going to ask this new doctor a million questions."

Jo: "Lizzie….I….um….."

Lizzie looked at her mother, who was chewing her bottom lip and looking perplexed.

Lizzie: "What is it, mom? What do you want to say to me? Don't tell me not to go. Because I am going."

Her mother sighed and sat down on the outermost edge of the sofa cushion, her hands folded neatly in her lap.

Jo: "I wouldn't ask you not to go. I know how involved you've been in Gordo's illness."

Lizzie: "So what's your point?"

Jo: "It's just that it is Gordo's illness. You've gotten awfully wrapped up in this thing. Don't forget that you have a life to live too. You shouldn't let his health problems take over your whole life."

Lizzie: "I can't believe you're saying this! You know how I feel about Gordo. I can't abandon him."

Jo: "Don't be so dramatic. I'm not asking you to abandon him. I'm simply asking you to step back and get some perspective. You've gotten so wrapped up in this whole business that you've lost sight of your own goals and plans."

Lizzie: "And what goals might those be? Yours?!"

How could her mother be so insensitive?

Jo: "You haven't done a single thing about college since our discussion last November. I'm telling you, Lizzie, now is the time to start applying. All the really top colleges fill up fast. If you aren't careful…"

Lizzie: "I can't believe your hounding me about something as unimportant as a college application! Don't you understand, mom? Gordo's cancer is back. He's not rid of it and…….and…." her voice began to waver.

Jo: "I didn't mean to upset you. I thought perhaps thinking about college would take your mind off Gordo. Thinking about your future should be a fun thing." she said in her most soothing tone.

Lizzie shook her head, and hot tears stung her eyes.

Lizzie: "My future? You still don't get it, do you? Without Gordo, I don't have a future. Without Gordo, I don't even want one!"

She spun, ran form the room, and raced up the stairs, where she slammed her bedroom door hard behind her, then threw herself across the bed and sobbed.

As soon as school was out Monday, Lizzie and Gordo headed to St. Paul's hospital, where Roberta joined them. Dr. Laramore worked in a adjoining office building, on a floor named the Cancer Center. His suite was spacious and well decorated, with stacks of magazines, tables containing half-completed jigsaw puzzles. Dr. Laramore was a pleasant looking man, trim and well built, with a mustache. He ushered Gordo, his mom, and Lizzie into his office and sat down at his desk. Lizzie took a deep breath, reached for Gordo's hand, and thought, Here we go again.

Dr. Laramore: "I've been over your records and I've studied your scans carefully. There's a growth in your chest and another, much smaller one in your groin."

Lizzie felt Gordo's hand tighten around hers.

Gordo: "Dr. Kessler didn't mention that one."

Dr. Laramore: "It wasn't easy to detect. Besides, that's my job-to go over your scans with a magnifying glass." he paused letting the news sink in.

Roberta: "What will you do about it? "she asked quietly.

Dr. Laramore: "What we're going to do is bombard both areas with a mantle of radiation to damage these cancer cells and stop their growth. You'll be given a total of twenty treatments-five a week for a month. Nothing on the weekends."

Gordo looked surprised.

Gordo: "That doesn't seem like much time. I mean compared with the chemo."

Dr. Laramore: "You'll be receiving very high doses of radiation, and while it will be painless, there are side effects."

Gordo: "Such as?"

Dr. Laramore: "You'll be unusually tired. And the skin in the treated area will redden, as if you've gotten a mild sunburn. Apply no lotions or creams, though, unless I okay it. And because the treatments will be on your chest area, you may have a sore throat and difficulty swallowing…..some loss of appetite is normal. You may develop a dry cough too."

Gordo shook his head in disgust.

Gordo: "And the other area?"

Dr. Laramore steepled his fingers together and let his gaze bounce between Gordo and Lizzie.

Dr. Laramore: "Often, Hodgkin's and the treatments for Hodgkin's can cause fertility problems." he paused, waiting for their reactions.

Roberta: "Are you saying that my son might never have children?"

Roberta's question brought the problem into sharp focus for Lizzie.

Dr. Laramore: "It's a possibility. Although young men are more likely to regain their fertility than older men."

Gordo: "Any other little tidbits?"

Gordo asked, his voice crisp, sarcastic. He did not look at Lizzie, but kept his eyes riveted in the doctor.

Dr. Laramore: "That's about it. I'd like to get started as soon as possible. The first thing we'll do is define the exact area we're going to treat. We'll go back to one of the radiation rooms, where my technicians will measure, calculate, and mark you up. From the information, I'll create a graph to program the computer for your specific needs, taking into consideration your body density and the position of the tumors." he said as he stood up.

Gordo: "Mark me up?"

Dr. Laramore: "With the help of lasers, we'll literally draw lines with a marking pen in a grid pattern on your body that I'll use to determine the exact spots that will receive the radiation. Try not to wash these lines off, because we'll us them everyday."

Gordo: "Can I shower?"

Dr. Laramore: "Yes, but no soap on the marks until you've completed your treatments. The technicians will redraw the lines as they fade."

He walked them down the hall to a room where a large machine stood in the center of the floor, a bedlike table positioned under it. There were computers in the room and outside the door, which looked heavy and strong.

Nurse: "It's solid steel. Can't have any radiation leaking out of it." she said as Lizzie studied it.

Lizzie thought, It'll be leaking into Gordo's body, but she didn't say it. Signs on the walls read: "Caution. X ray machines in use." She felt as if she'd stumbled into some sort of high-tech nuclear time warp. The machines looked cold and menacing.

Nurse: "The two of you will have to wait in the lobby. This will take about an hour." she told Lizzie and Roberta.

Roberta: "An hour?"

Roberta sounded dismayed, and seemed hesitant to let her son remain inside the steel-lined room without her.

Dr. Laramore: "The calculation part takes the longest. From now on, David will have a standing appointment to come in and be treated. The actual treatments take no more than a minute or so. And they're painless." he said kindly.

After Gordo was done they went to his house. Roberta insisted Lizzie stay over for dinner. Lizzie and Gordo were up in his room talking.

Lizzie: "Are you sure it didn't hurt?"

Gordo: "It didn't hurt at all. I just had to lie really still while they drew on me."

He lifted his shirt, and Lizzie saw bright blue lines on his skin that disappeared below the waistband of his jeans. She leaned in closer squinting.

Lizzie: "What are those little dots between the blue lines?" she followed the small dots down his chest with her eyes.

Gordo: "Permanent marks so that the technician can always line up the machine perfectly. If the radiation beam is even a tiny degree off, the wrong part of my body will get the radiation."

Lizzie: "I want to go with you for your treatments. What time is your next appointment?"

Gordo: "Everyday at three-thirty, but I don't want you to come."

Lizzie: "But why?" his response surprised her.

Gordo: "I've been thinking about it, Lizzie, and there's nothing for you to do but sit in the lobby. I'd rather go in by myself, get my treatment, then head to the gym."

Lizzie: "The gym? But the doctor said you'd be tired."

Gordo: "I don't care what the doctor said. As long as I'm able to function, I'm going to stick with my normal routine."

Lizzie: "But there's all that juice to drink and all those puzzles to work at the radiation center."

She hoped humor would persuade him to let her come along.

Gordo: "Sitting around waiting is boring, Lizzie. I don't want you to do it anymore."

Lizzie: "But-"

Gordo: "Please. It's what I want." he interrupted.

Every afternoon that week, Gordo left school as soon as classes were dismissed. He didn't change his mind about Lizzie accompanying him to the cancer center. In fact, he kept to himself even at school, telling Lizzie he didn't have much of an appetite and that he was skipping lunch. And in the evenings, he told her he was cramming for finals and thought it best he do it alone. On Friday, he insisted he was tired and wanted to turn in early and that she should make other plans. Confused by his behavior, but determined not to let it dishearten her, Lizzie invited Miranda over to spend the night.

Gordo was halfway through his radiation treatments when school let out for the summer. On the last day of classes, Lizzie found him down at the construction site of the new stadium. Bulldozers were moving dirt and the rickety old bleachers had been partially torn down to make way for the new.

Lizzie: "Hi!" she called over the loud noises of the machines.

Gordo: "Hi yourself."

Lizzie: "Looks like real progress, doesn't it?"

Gordo: "It's going to be a great stadium."

She gazed up at him longingly, wishing he'd take her in his arms the way he used to do. She recalled her vow to figure out what had gone wrong between them and realized that she was more perplexed than ever. Gordo rarely asked her out these days, keeping to himself, shunning contact with almost everybody.

Lizzie: "So what's on your agenda for your first week of summer vacation?" she asked brightly, hoping to draw him into a conversation.

Gordo: "I'm doubling my efforts in the gym."

Lizzie: "Can you do that?" she thought he looked tired.

Gordo: "Dr. Laramore says I can do whatever I feel like doing, and I want to get back into shape as quick as I can."

He sounder cross with her for even asking. They listened to the roar of the machines while Lizzie racked her brain for another topic.

Lizzie: "I start my job at the library Monday."

Gordo: "I hope you like it."

If this had been a normal summer, he'd be taking her to the library and making plans to pick her up afterward. If they'd been spending their spare time together, she wouldn't feel so awkward around him. They'd be talking all the time and would know what was going on in each other's lives.

Lizzie: "Once the radiation's over, what will you do?"

Gordo: "I'll have to go to the hospital again for day or so of testing."

Lizzie: "Do you want me to come with you?" she asked anxiously, hoping he'd say yes.

Gordo: "No. It's not a big deal. Just al those boring scans again."

Lizzie: "I don't mind."

Gordo: "Forget it. Mom and I will go."

Again, the roar of a bulldozer broke into their conversation. Lizzie felt grateful for the interruption. His rejection stung, and she didn't trust her voice.

Lizzie: "And then? Do you think you'll take a summer job?" she asked after the noise died down and she regained her composure.

Gordo: "Who's going to hire someone like me? I could get sick again."

He sounded bitter, and she felt sorry for him.

Lizzie: "So you won't do anything?"

Gordo: "Remember me telling you about New York? Well Uncle Steve called and said he'll send me a plane ticket the minute I agree to come."

Lizzie: "So your going?"

Gordo: "I'm going."

Lizzie: "How long will you stay?"

Gordo: "About a month. I'll be home in time for August practice."

Lizzie: "Of course."

Her stomach knotted. She remembered telling him to take the vacation, and after all he'd been through he deserved to go somewhere and have fun. But she knew she'd miss him terribly, and that it wouldn't be easy seeing him leave when she wanted to be with him so much.

Lizzie: "I hope you have a good time in New York. Do you still want me to write you?"

Gordo: "If you'd like….but I won't be leaving until July."

Lizzie decided to try one more time to lure him out of his shell.

Lizzie: "How about us doing something with each other tonight? Miranda's having a party to celebrate the end of the school year. Why don't you take me?"

Gordo: "Um…I don't think I feel up to it. You go on without me."

Lizzie: "But you feel good enough to go to the gym this afternoon?"

She'd tripped him up, and his face flushed red.

Gordo: "Lizzie….I never know exactly how I'm going to feel……."

Lizzie: "No problem. I'll go without." she said backing away.

Gordo: "Lizzie, I…"

He looked troubled, but she brushed it aside, suddenly wanting to get as far away as possible form the noise of the machinery and the pain Gordo was causing her.

Lizzie: "I've got to go." she turned and darted off.

Gordo: "You'll let me know about your first day of work?" he called as she fled.

She felt like saying, Yeah right! But she didn't. Because no matter how badly he was hurting her, she knew she couldn't hurt him. She couldn't because she loved him/ She couldn't because something deep inside her kept saying that he still loved her too. And it was that ray of hope that she clung to.

The golden sunshine of Monday morning did little to dispel Lizzie's gloom. The weekend had been long and difficult. She'd reached for the phone many times to call Gordo, but each time she'd pull back, telling herself that if he wanted to talk to her, he would call. Except he hadn't.

She left for her new job at the library, entered the quiet building, went to Mrs. Watson's office, and knocked on the closed door. She was ushered inside by a heavy woman with graying hair and lavender-framed eyeglasses.

Mrs. Watson: "Lizzie! So glad you'll be working with us this summer." she said with a smile as she shook Lizzie's hand.

Lizzie: "Us?"

Mrs. Watson: "Yes. Meet my nephew, Jason Lawrence."

She gestured to a tall slim boy with blond hair and green yes.

Mrs. Watson: "Jason's a sophomore in college and he'll be living here with me this summer and working here too."

Jason: "Hello, Lizzie McGuire." he said with a grin.

She smiled politely, but coolly. Mrs. Watson assigned them both work and Lizzie went on her own to do it staying as far from Jason as possible. He asked her to lunch but she said no. By the end of the work day she could barely keep from dashing out the door.

Jason: "Take you home? Maybe you could show me around town?" he asked as she hurried past him.

Lizzie: "I can't tonight, sorry." she told him and left.

All the way home she pondered her situation. She was working with a good-looking college boy who was going to be around all summer. She was to be working with him all day, every day, for three solid months. Her situation looked like a setup and it had her mother's fingerprints all over it. She didn't feel like arguing with her mother so she decide to go to Gordo's instead, she couldn't take it anymore. She got into her car that was parked in her driveway, and sped to Gordo's house. She pounded on the door until he opened it. He looked shocked seeing her.

Gordo: "What's wrong?"

Lizzie: "That's what I'd like to know, Gordo."

Lizzie brushed past him and planted herself in the center of his living room floor. She crossed her arms and leveled her gaze at him.

Gordo: "Nothing's wrong." he insisted.

Lizzie: "Guess again."

Gordo: "I don't know what you want me to say."

She rolled her eyes in exasperation.

Lizzie: "You sound like my mother."

Gordo: "What do you mean?"

Lizzie: "Never mind."

She glared at him.

Lizzie: "You've been ignoring me for weeks, Gordo."

Gordo: "No….I've just been giving you space." he said quickly.

Lizzie: "Space for what?"

Gordo: "Space. You know breathing room."

Lizzie: "Did I ask for breathing room?"

He raked his fingers through his hair, which had grown to over an inch.

Gordo: "I don't want to fight with you, Lizzie."

Lizzie: "Good, because I don't wan tot fight with you either."

She took a deep breath and held it.

Lizzie: "My new job is going to work out fine. There's a college guy working with me who's really nice. He wants me to go out with him."

Gordo: "Are you?"

Lizzie: "I'm considering it."

A flood of emotions crossed Gordo's face.

Gordo: "Please don't."

His voice was scarcely a whisper.

Lizzie: "Why shouldn't I? I mean, you're giving me all this space. I can't sit around doing nothing with it."

He came to her with one long stride, threw his arms around her, and crushed her against his body.

Gordo: "Don't, Lizzie. Don't leave me. I can't make it without you." he pleaded.

'Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can't explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don't want to need at all.

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can't explain what you can't explain.
You're finding things that you didn't know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Now I'm on my own side
It's better than being on your side
It's my fault when your blind
It's better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside
Now you're the first to know

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Tonight
Insight
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight.'

A/N: I hope you like this chapter, its long! The song is "It Ends Tonight" by The All American Rejects, good dong, listen to it! Please review more, thanks for all the reviews!!!!