Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Lizzie McGuire characters.

Previously:

Brett: "Coach sent me." he said climbing up the few rows to where they sat.

Lizzie: "What's wrong with Gordo?"

She asked but her heart thudded rapidly in her chest.

Lizzie: "I know something's wrong. Tell me."

Brett's eyes were wide as saucers and his skin looked pale, as if he'd had a great fright.

Brett: "Gordo collapsed in the locker room. He's being taken to the hospital." he finally said.

Roberta: "Which one?"

Brett: "St. Paul's."

Lizzie grabbed her purse and car keys, but her mother pulled them from her hands, then took both Lizzie and Roberta firmly by their elbows.

Jo: "Come on. I'll drive."

Chapter 9-I Don't Want To Die

Lizzie: "Why is it taking so long?"

Lizzie paced the floor of the emergency room waiting area like a caged cat.

Jo: "I'm sure the doctors have to check him over completely." she said in an attempt to calm her.

Even Gordo's mother hadn't been allowed behind the doors to the room where Gordo was being examined. She sat tight-lipped on the edge of a chair, clutching her hands nervously in her lap.

Lizzie: "Don't they know we're worried? Don't they know how hard it is to wait and wait?"

Lizzie continued to pace. Her hands felt clammy and cold and her heart raced.

Lizzie: "I wish dad was here."

Jo: "You know he'll be here as soon as he can get away from the game."

Lizzie: "That stupid game is the cause of all this." she cried.

Miranda, who'd insisted on coming to offer Lizzie whatever support she could, said nothing and watched Lizzie pace.

A doctor emerged behind the treatment room doors.

Doctor: "Are you with David Gordon?"

Roberta: "I want to see my son."

Roberta hurried to the doctor's side.

Roberta: "What's wrong with him? How is he?"

Doctor: "He has a concussion. He's alert, but extremely fatigued, and we want to hold him overnight for observation and keep a check on his vital signs. He's being moved upstairs a room. Dr. Portage has been notified and will be here soon to check on your son."

Lizzie remembered the doctor who'd first treated Gordo for the infection that had become Hodgkin's. At least he was familiar with Gordo, and she was glad that Gordo would be with a doctor he knew.

Lizzie: "Where's his room?" she asked.

When they were allowed to see Gordo, it was all Lizzie could do to hold back until after his mother had fussed over him. When it was Lizzie's turn, she put her arms around him and buried her face in his neck.

Lizzie: "Oh, Gordo, I've been so scared."

Gordo: "I got hit, and then I got dizzy and fell in the locker room. I don't remember much, except that I was playing really bad."

Lizzie thought he looked really pale, and in spite of the coolness of the room, he was perspiring.

Lizzie: "Just as long as you're alright."

Gordo: "We're going to lose the game because of me."

Lizzie: "Forget the game. It doesn't matter now."

Gordo: "It matters to me."

They stayed with him until her father arrived. He barreled into the room and tore to Gordo's bedside. Lizzie saw worry lines etched in his brow.

Sam: "I got here as soon as I could. How are you doing, son?"

Gordo: "Did we lose?" was all Gordo wanted to know.

Sam: "Hey, you win some, you lose some. That's the way the game goes."

Gordo: "So we lost." he turned his head toward the wall.

Sam: "Don't worry about it. We'll meet them again in the district playoffs and we'll kick butt."

Gordo didn't seem mollified.

Gordo: "And how about the scouts? I guess they saw me play the worst game of my career."

Sam: "On game won't make or break your future, Gordo. They'll be back."

Gordo: "They'll say I blew it when it mattered, when I was under pressure."

Sam: "No they won't. Stop worrying about it. Get some rest, and as soon as the doctors say you can go back to playing, you will. You might miss one game at the most."

Gordo: "I'll miss more than that." he said enigmatically.

His blue eyes looked so unbearably sad that Lizzie felt cold fingers of fear squeeze her heart.

Sam: "Not because of a little bump on your head. Wait and see."

Gordo: "Sure. Whatever you say, Coach."

The next day:

Dr. Portage: "Something's come up in David's blood work"

Dr. Portage told Gordo's mother the following day when she and Lizzie had come to visit Gordo. He'd caught them just as they were about to go into Gordo's room.

Roberta: "What do you mean?"

Dr. Portage: "I'm having his radiologist look over some X rays and test results, and I've ordered a bone marrow aspiration."

Lizzie felt sick to her stomach, as if someone had punched her.

Roberta: "But he just had those tests last month."

Dr. Portage: "No, he didn't."

Dr. Portage closed the chart he'd been holding and looked at Gordo's mother gravely.

Dr. Portage: "I asked for his records from his other doctors. Hi last checkup was in June."

Lizzie reeled at the news. That was before Gordo's Uncle and Nancy came.

Lizzie: "But he said he got his checkup." she blurted out.

Dr. Portage: "Well he didn't. According to his records, he never came."

Roberta: "Why did you lie to me, Gordo?"

Lizzie watched Gordo's face as his mother asked him. He looked ashamed and pale. Ghostly pal.

Gordo: "I rescheduled my appointment, that's all. I was feeling good and so I figured I could postpone it for a while. I would have gone as soon as football season was over."

Roberta: "Football season! Since when is football more important than your health?"

He looked helplessly at Lizzie, who struggled to hold back tears.

Gordo: "Everybody was expecting so much from me. I….I didn't want to let them down."

Roberta: "Who would have you let down? Everybody knew you'd been sick. Nobody held you accountable."

Gordo: "Mom, please, I'm not up to fighting about this. I feel awful right now."

Roberta's expression didn't soften, but before she could speak, Dr. Portage called her out of the room and Lizzie found herself alone with Gordo. She crossed her arms and dabbed at her eyes.

Lizzie: "I would have skipped my SATs and gone with you, if you'd asked. Why didn't you ask me?" she told him.

Gordo: "I told you, I would have gone later."

Lizzie: "Did my dad put pressure on you? Because if he did-"

Gordo: "Lizzie, stop it. Everybody put pressure on me! Don't you understand?"

Lizzie: "I didn't put pressure on you. I only want you to play football because it means so much to you."

Gordo pulled himself up and hoisted his legs over the side of the bed, grunting in discomfort. He took a few deep breaths and stared at Lizzie, his blue eyes became darker by the paleness of his skin. He looked miserable.

Gordo: "It's true you never pressured me to play ball, but you put plenty of pressure on me to be well."

Lizzie: "How? When? I never did."

Gordo: "You tell me all the time, 'Now that you're over cancer,' and, 'You're fine…..time to get on with your life.'"

Stricken by his words, stunned by his accusation, Lizzie began to recall all the itmes she'd said such things.

Lizzie: "But I was only trying to be positive. I was only trying to encourage you."

Gordo: "Don't you think I want to be well, Lizzie? Don't you think I want to be normal? And play ball? And marry you? Don't you think if being positive would make me well, I would be well?"

Tears spilled down her cheeks as his words fell like blows.

Lizzie: "But the tests-" she started to say.

Gordo: "I had one good checkup after my radiation treatments. Then I had the best summer of my life, with you, and then I had to face going back for more testing and maybe hear that I was sick again. And everybody wanted me to be well so much. And……I wanted it…….so much."

He hung his head and took deep breaths before continuing.

Gordo: "So it was easy to put off going for the testing. Maybe I figured what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me."

She ached for him, for her.

Lizzie: "Oh, Gordo….."

Gordo: "I told myself there'd be a time to get checkups after the season was over. After the tem went to the state finals. I wanted that so bad, Lizzie. So, I kept playing, kept ignoring what was happening, even when the symptoms started coming back."

Lizzie: "You've been sick?"

He shrugged, refused to meet her gaze.

Gordo: "First it was fatigue. Then the night sweats. I washed my sheets so Mom wouldn't know. I knew I was in trouble, but I kept pushing myself. I didn't want tp let anybody down. I didn't want to find out the truth."

Lizzie: "That you're out of remission."

She finished flatly. She felt as if someone had pulled a plug on her emotions and drained them all away.

Gordo: "Yes."

Lizzie: "Do you know for sure?"

He looked up into her eyes.

Gordo: "I know how I feel, Lizzie. I've been here before. And in ER, once they read my chart and saw that I'd been treated for Hodgkin's, they wanted to do a bone marrow. That's not a routine test for a head injury, you know."

She looked at her hands, as the promise ring that now seemed to mock her, to ridicule all it had stood for between her and Gordo.

Lizzie: "I'm sorry if I cause you any harm by insisting that you be well. I didn't mean to make you skip your testing."

For the first time since they'd been talking, Gordo reached out and touched Lizzie. He smoothed her hair and ran his fingers tenderly along her cheek.

Gordo: "I'm not blaming you. I would never blame you. It was my choice. Coach always taught us to take responsibility."

He offered a humorless chuckle.

Gordo: "No, I knew the chance I was taking. I knew the consequences. All testing would have done was confirm what I already knew."

Fresh tears spilled from Lizzie's eyes, and slowly Gordo took her in his arms, where she sobbed, soaking his hospital shirt.

Lizzie: "I love you so much." she managed between sobs.

Gordo: "Loving you was all I had to hang on to sometimes. When I'd wake up at night, sweaty and nauseous, I'd remember our summer together and that church, and all our fun times. It got me through."

Lizzie didn't know how long she had been clinging to him, but when Roberta and Dr. Portage returned to the room, she was still in Gordo's arms. She pulled away reluctantly.

Dr. Portage: "David, we need to talk."

The expression on Roberta's face told Lizzie what he was going to say before he spoke.

Dr. Portage: "There are cancer cells in your bone marrow."

Gordo's emotion could be seen only in a tightening along his jaw line.

Gordo: "So where do I go from here?"

Dr. Portage: "They'll start looking for a compatible donor via computer in the national marrow registry. Unfortunately, the task is complicated because you have a rare blood type."

Gordo didn't flinch.

Gordo: "Is that all?"

Dr. Portage: "They'll put you back onto chemo maintenance to inhibit the spread as much as possible until a donor's found."

Gordo: "So I guess this means I'll be out for the rest of the season."

Gordo's attempt at humor brought a thin smile to the doctor's lips.

Dr. Portage: "Shall I write a note to your coach excusing you form play?"

Gordo: "How about you write one to God instead? Tell him to find me a donor."

Gordo pulled Lizzie closer.

Gordo: "Tell him……I don't want to die."

A/N: Sorry this is shorter than the other chapters. I can't fit everything in one. Please review!!!!