Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Lizzie McGuire characters.

Chapter 11-When It Isn't Like It Should Be

Lizzie couldn't sleep that night, and headed for the hospital at six n the morning even though Gordo was scheduled to go into the OR until nine. She arrived at his room just as the nurse was giving him pre-op medication to relax him. One arm was hooked to an IV, but he held Lizzie tightly with his free arm when she bent over his bed. Although he smelled of medicine, he felt warm, and she longed to climb into bed with him and hold him.

Lizzie: "The others will be here soon. Everyone wants to see you before you go into surgery."

Gordo: "You look beautiful." he said to her.

She knew how she really looked, dark circles were smudged under her eyes and she didn't bother to put on any makeup except for a little lip gloss.

Lizzie: "I'll look better when you come down from recovery."

Gordo: "Lizzie, I want to tell you some things before they operate."

Lizzie: "What things?"

Gordo: "I want you to know I'm okay about this and I want you to be okay about it. No matter what the outcome is."

It felt as if a hand had reached into her chest and clutched her heart.

Lizzie: "The outcome is that you'll be alright." she said stubbornly.

Gordo: "I always want you to know I've done a lot of thinking about some things we talked about over the summer. You know, about the hereafter and all. I've been reading up on it in all my spare time."

He grinned.

Gordo: "Heaven's a real place, Lizzie-a beautiful place-and if I can't wait for you at the end of an aisle on our wedding day, I'll wait for you in heaven."

Lizzie: "Gordo, you're scaring me-"

Gordo: "Please, let me finish. I don't want to scare you. I only want you to know that either way this surgery turns out, I'll be fine. I….I just want you to be fine."

Lizzie: I can't think about losing you. Don't make me."

Gordo: "You're the best part of my life and I will always love you."

'I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Tears had sprung to her eyes. Behind her, she heard the others come into the room, and she knew that his mother, her parents, and Steve and Nancy wanted to be with him too. She felt panicked, afraid of letting go of his hand.

Lizzie: "I'll see you in a few hours." she said through gritted teeth.

His eyelids drooped from the sedation, but still he held onto her.

Gordo: "If it's possible to send a message from heaven. I'll get one to you." he whispered to her.

She choked back a sob and broke her hold, then stepped aside so that the others could surround his bed. Later, in the hallway, when he was wheeled out of his room for the elevator ride down to the surgical floor, he told the orderlies to hold up. They waited while he looked from face to face of the people who loved him, reminding Lizzie of a man memorizing a map so that he wouldn't get lost in the dark. Finally, he grinned, handed Lizzie a folded piece of paper, then gave everyone his thumbs up signal.

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Lizzie watched as he was wheeled away, listening to the clack-clack of the wheels of his bed and the swish of the elevator doors as they closed behind him. Cut off from him, she shuddered.

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear'

Sam: "Lets go down to the surgical waiting room." her father said, gently taking her arm.

They trooped down to the area where family and friends waited for news from various operating rooms. A telephone linked the surgical floor with the waiting room would occasionally ring and tell people that their loved one had been taken to recovery and the surgeon would be down to talk to them soon. In the waiting room, Miranda and Larry were already camped out on sofas. Lizzie tried to join them, but found it impossible to sit still.

As the hours dragged by, the phone rang several times, always for others. Every time it rang, Lizzie jumped. She felt taut and edgy. Around one o'clock, her father tried to get her to eat something, but she refused. She stared down at the floor, listening to the thump of her heart, the whispers of those around her.

Suddenly the waiting room door opened and she looked up to see Gordo's surgeon standing in front of their group. Surprised, she glanced at the phone, wondering why she hadn't heard it ring. The doctor removed his green head covering. Lizzie allowed her eyes to travel the length of him and saw flecks of blood on the green paper coverings of his shoes. Gordo's blood, she knew instinctively.

Surgeon: "The tumor was far more entrenched than we ever imagined. It was totally ingrown to the side of his heart." he began.

Lizzie heard Roberta begin to sob.

Surgeon: "I'm sorry……..We did everything we could."

Somehow, through it all, Lizzie didn't' lose her composure. She heard questions and answers, but the words didn't make sense. She was beyond caring what was said by anyway. Slowly, she stood and removed the folded piece of paper Gordo had given her only a few hours ago. She'd deliberately not opened it, saving it for this time when she knew she would need contact with him most.

Miranda: "What's in the note?" she heard a tearful Miranda ask.

Numbly, Lizzie unfolded the paper. On it Gordo had drawn a single, perfect flower.

The day of Gordo's funeral had come. The sky was a dull shade of leaden gray. To Lizzie, riding in the funeral home's limo to the cemetery, the whole world looked black and white. Void of color.

The high school closed for the day and almost the whole city turned out to bury their hometown hero. On Main Street, traffic lights blinked yellow and a police escort led the long, lonely precession to Gordo's final resting place. Lizzie wore black, including a black mantilla over her long blond hair. She sat in the car sandwiched between Roberta and Steve. In the limo's other long seat were Nancy and her parents. The trip seemed slow, endless.

Roberta: "I never thought I'd have to do this again." she said tonelessly.

Lizzie knew she was remembering her husband's funeral years before. Gordo's mother stared through the window.

Roberta: "Who will ride with me when it's my turn?"

No one answered, and Lizzie tightened her hold on the edge of the car seat. Inside. She felt as dead as the world outside the car window seemed. She felt so empty inside…

At the burial site, hundreds gathered, all dressed in shades of black and gray. The car stopped, and attendants helped Lizzie and the others make the walk to the pit where Gordo's casket would be placed.

Lizzie watched as Larry led all the members of the football team, wearing black armbands, toward them. A mantle of flowers, each one white as snow, cascaded down the sides of the steel gray casket. Unbidden, Gordo's long ago words came to her. "Someday, I'll dress you in flowers," he had said. Instead, it was he who had been wrapped in blossoms.

She hardly heard the brief ceremony. She felt isolated and cut off from reality, not caring what was said. No words could make a difference. Gordo was gone and nothing could bring him back. Her movements were mechanical, like an elaborate puppet's. She went through the motions, but in her heart, she was hollow and empty. And cold……so very cold.

Once the ceremony was over, Lizzie's parents urged Roberta to receive friends at their home because it was so much more spacious. People arrived steadily all day, bringing food and flowers and small gifts. Roberta, ever gracious and kind, accepted every expression of grief over the loss of her son. But Lizzie felt removed from the ritual, hating it. Still, she knew it meant a great deal to Gordo's mother, so she tolerated it.

Late in the afternoon, as it grew dark and colder, Nancy found Lizzie in the backyard, huddled against a leafless and barren oak tree.

Nancy: "Steve and I are leaving for the airport. We have to go home." she said gently.

Lizzie: "Goodbye." she told her.

Nancy: "You should come in the house, Lizzie. It's cold and you'll get sick."

Lizzie: "So what?"

Nancy smoothed Lizzie's hair.

Nancy: "Please come visit us this summer. Will you promise me you'll come?"

Lizzie traced her fingers along the roughened bark of the old tree trunk.

Lizzie: "See our initials? Gordo carved them for us when he was fourteen."

The letters looked scarred and shrunken by the sold. She brushed them lightly.

Nancy: "You're breaking my heart, Lizzie. Please tell me you're going to be alright."

Lizzie: "Gordo used to bring me flowers."

Steve called Nancy from the porch.

Nancy: "I've got to go, honey."

She hugged Lizzie, who stood motionless.

Nancy: "Don't forget, we're expecting to see you this summer."

Lizzie didn't answer. She only brushed her fingertips over the worn initials as Nancy left.

Later when her house emptied and her father was taking Roberta home, Lizzie wearily climbed the stairs to her room. She wore her PJ's and climbed into her bed.

After knocking lightly, her mother opened the door and entered the room. The light flooding in form the hallway blinded Lizzie, and she turned away from its glare.

Jo: "Lizzie…..honey if there is anything you want……" she halted beside her bed.

Lizzie: "I want Gordo." she said without emotion.

Jo: "Honey…….please……….I'm sorry……..so sorry…" she said as tears filled her eyes but Lizzie didn't see.

Lizzie: "Goodnight." she said.

She curled into a tight ball and pulled the covers over her head. Minutes later, she heard her mother leave the room.

Lizzie: "Gordo………..why have you left me all alone?" she whispered into the darkness.

A/N: This chapter was very hard for me to write. I'm sorry what the outcome of Gordo's cancer was but in the end, all will be well. The song was "Run" by Snow Patrol. Please review guys!