CHAPTER FOUR
(BPOV)
I tried to find the will to stop. To leave.
That was the right thing to do.
Right?
That was the mature and responsible thing to do.
Wasn't it?
I thought so. I knew so. I should've known better.
I was getting married in six hours.
Wasn't I?
I had to.
What the hell was I doing?
Content in his arms, and laying there with him in his bed still, I didn't know anymore.
The plan was to say goodbye. To hope like hell he was here and to see he was alive and okay before I walked down the aisle.
To tell him how much I cared and that I would always love him, but I was marrying Edward.
That was the speech I'd rehearsed twice over on the short drive here late last night, but when I saw him, that all went out the window.
That plan felt so wrong right now.
My limbs were heavy and my breathing now shallow as I closed my eyes with my back pressed into him, held securely in his embrace with the feel of his warm breath gracing the back of my neck, his head buried there in silence.
This was heaven and hell.
He could feel it, too.
I had no doubt.
Like sand through an hourglass, time was slipping away from us.
The suns rays were bright as they peered in through his window. I covered my face, and willed the tears not to spill at the sight of the encroaching day.
Jacob lifted his head and drew me further into him with a heavy sigh of his own.
Our silence spoke volumes and I hated how heavy that felt between us right now.
This wasn't how it was supposed to be. It appeared that nothing was as I thought it would be twenty-four hours ago.
I half expected at any minute, the Cullens would come charging onto the Reservation demanding to know where I was and I visibly shuddered at the very idea of that happening.
I needed to get up and rush to Forks before they sent the cavalry out, but his warm hands on my bare skin rooted me in place there with him.
"Bella...-" He whispered, and I covered my face as the tears started to flow.
"I know...-" I breathed in reply.
He turned me over at this, slowly taking my hand away from my face to look me in the eyes.
"They'll come here. You know they will. Sam will lose it." He reminded, his voice almost hollow sounding when he spoke. As if he knew how this ended even before I did.
"I'm supposed to meet Alice at 8."
He glanced toward the window, tilting his head a little as he studied the light outside.
"About that time I'm sure."
"You think?"
"I do." He admitted, his voice laced with defeat again.
I turned myself further into his embrace and buried my face into his chest with my tearful reply.
"...-Just hold me."
He tightened his arms at my request, cradling the back of my head to him with a shuddering breath.
"I'd hold you forever if you wanted me to. If I thought it would be enough to make you stay with me. To change your mind."
I answered him with nothing but heartfelt honesty then.
"It is enough. You did change my mind. Long before now." I admitted through my tears. "You were right from the start. I do love you, Jake. I love you so much."
"Then stay here with me, Bells. Keep on loving me, honey. Choose me. Choose us."
I pulled back and looked up into his handsome face again, seeing the emotion there in his glossy dark gaze.
"All those people there waiting..-" I fretted.
"They'll go home."
"The cullens will come here."
"Let them come. I'm not afraid. We'd deal with it if we had to. I'd handle Sam." He told me, placing a kiss to my forehead.
"I am afraid." I admitted. "Truly afraid. I made a promise, Jake."
"...-and that promise is pretty well shot to shit right about now." He sighed, brushing his lips softly to mine. "Don't you think?"
"I made more than one promise." I whispered back, seeing the confusion cross his face then.
"What do you mean?"
Aro's haunting face flashed through my mind then, the sharp memory chilling me nearly to the bone as I carefully untangled myself from him and sat up.
He reached for me before I could get to my feet, the desperation in his deep eyes enough to crumble me there where I stood.
"I have to go, Jake." I forced out. "Believe me when I tell you that it's not what it seems. Not all of it. There's a much larger picture here-"
"Then paint the rest of it for me." He sternly requested, his change in demeanor making me wish I had kept my mouth closed.
"I can't." I argued, finding my under garments and hurriedly putting them on. "It's nothing I want you mixed up in."
"Can't tell me or won't tell me!?" Jacob snapped, catching hold of my hand and tugging me back toward him before I could find the rest of my clothes. "Bells...-please."
I glanced down at our laced fingers and my heart sank at the reality we'd been given. The one I'd thrown us into when I chased Edward to Italy.
"I can't tell you this." I tearfully countered, taking his face in my hands and as he stood from the bed and searched my gaze again.
"You can tell me anything. There's not a damn thing you can't come to me with."
"I know-"
"Then tell me, Bella. Don't do this. Don't leave here and run to Forks and go through with that farce of a wedding you're supposed to have today."
I shook my head and backed away from him then, knowing if I didn't get dressed and leave right now, I never would.
"You don't understand-"
"Make me understand."
"Jake-..." I half yelled, stopping myself when I turned back around and caught the hurt in his face.
"I'll tell you what I do understand. I understand you, Bella." He tearfully started. "I understand what makes you who you are. What makes you happy and what makes you miserable. What ignites passion in you and what comforts you. What makes you jump in your truck and race here, not knowing if I'd even be back in town. You took a risk to see me cause you feel the exact same thing that I do, and that's love. You might be all set to marry him today, but you're in love me. You can't tell me that you're not or that you coming here wasn't because of how scared you were at the finality of it all. Of what we'd be saying goodbye to! Just like I've been for weeks now."
I fell silent at this, unable to argue because he was right and I knew it.
Jacob reached down and collected a pair of his sweats there at the end of his bed then, holding them out to me wordlessly.
I stared at them for a long moment before recalling where exactly my clothes were.
They were still in his garage.
Where everything had started.
"Put these on and I'll go get your clothes." He stated before leaving the room fully naked and heading outside.
Lucky for us, Billy still wasn't home and I was more relieved than I could say for that simple act of favor right about now.
I looked around the room, focusing my far off and reflective gaze on his bed again, my skin tingling from all the first and lasting memories we'd made there just now.
Regret loomed over me as I grabbed Jacobs wrist watch laying on his nightstand and checked the exact time.
It was already quarter past seven. I had to get on the road soon or I would be late to meet Alice. Something I knew would surely trigger her to come looking for me immediately.
I was surprised she hadn't yet.
Jacob soon returned with my clothes in hand and gave them to me, his eyes red rimmed and as he did so.
"Here...-jeans are a bit damp."
"It's okay."
I slipped into them and hurriedly threw my shirt over my head, detangling my hair some before reaching for my jacket last.
"So last night and this morning was goodbye...-that's what you're telling me?"
"I didn't- I wasn't-" I stammered, unable to find the right words.
There were none.
Jacob couldn't bring himself to look at me, his distance gaze toward his opened bedroom door appearing empty and lost.
My heart felt like it would stop beating before I would ever make it out of his room.
"You never asked me why?" He stated, turning his face toward me again.
"Why what?"
"Why I came back- so ask me. Might be the only time you'll ever get to."
I swallowed hard and held his tortured gaze with my returning question.
"Why did you come back?"
"I came back for you, Bella. I came back home for you."
"You were coming to the wedding?" I disbelievingly asked.
"For one last dance."
Tears clouded my vision as I stood there with my very best friend, trying to make sense of what didn't.
"You were going to do that for me? In spite of everything?"
"That's what you do when you love someone the way I love you."
My tears spilled over then and matched his own, my heart feeling shattered all over again.
"There are consequences that will follow me if I don't go to Forks right now and go through with this wedding." I choked out.
"What kind of consequences?" He implored, taking a few steps toward me.
"The kind you can't escape from." I honestly replied.
Jacobs gaze narrowed further with his answer.
"There's also consequences to the choice you're about to make. Permanent ones that will erase you from everyone who loves you, Bella. Everyone including me. You know what will happen once he turns you! I won't have a choice but to follow Sam! Alpha's orders get obeyed even when we hate it, and believe me I will! With every cell in my body I'll hate it! So please, before you turn away again and walk out of my house, and get into your truck to go back to Forks, please tell me what the hell is going on so I can help you! Whatever corner you've backed yourself into, I'm right there with you. I am always in your corner, Bella. You should know that by now."
His words were laced with a devoted truth that made it impossible for me to look away from him. He was giving me everything he had.
The sound of keys jostling in the front door startled us both then as Billy struggled to unlock the deadbolt and come inside.
I looked to Jacob with wide eyes of alarm as he pulled me inside the door frame of his room and closed it seconds before Billy wheeled himself in through the entryway with a small grocery bag in tow.
"Damn good thing you parked your truck out back by my garage or he would've already seen it. Dad's not as observant as he used to be but still-..." Jacob muttered.
"Good thing."
The front door slammed shut and Billy was quick to check his messages.
There was one from Charlie.
"Hey there old man. Ready for the big day tomorrow afternoon? Yeah...-well... if ya' are, wish I could say the same for myself. Not easy walking your one and only baby down the aisle to get married to the man you're convinced is the wrong one for her. (Heavy sigh and long pause.) But I guess what matters is that she's happy. That's what Renee keeps on telling me anyway. What does she know though? Our marriage wasn't exactly great. Anyway, I'm rambling on now. Guess we do that with nerves in old age, huh? Well, I'll call you before I leave my house for the wedding, see if you got a ride still with Sue okay. (Another long pause) Sure do miss that boy of yours. Wish he'd show up right about now and talk some sense into Bella before it's too late. I don't know Billy, call it fathers intuition, but man, I got an awful feeling about this. Talk to you soon, old friend. Bye."
I listened until the message beeped at the end of the recording, before quietly releasing the breath I'd been holding all this time.
Jacob slid on his cut offs and pulled me closer to him, listening himself for Billy's movements as he wheeled around to different parts of the house muttering to himself in response to Charlie's message yesterday on the machine.
"Yeah, old friend. I'm here now. Wish I could say I didn't agree with that feeling you got. You have no idea what's coming. No idea that today might be the last day you ever get to see your girl. Or one of them anyway. I hate this. Damn it, I hate this!"
A loud bang from the kitchen jumped me then, as Billy slammed what I assumed was his fist down on the table, rattling the floor with the anger behind it.
I stared up at Jacob, seeing the worry there as he met my gaze.
"You should go out there." I breathed to him, my words so low they would inaudible to anyone other than him.
"You should stay with me, and we should go out there together." He countered.
My emotion returned and I moved slightly away from him.
"It's not that simple." I whispered back.
"It is. Trust me, Bella. For shits sake. Trust me."
"Jake, it's not just you. It would involve everyone. Charlie and your dad. The pack. You need to trust me instead! Trust me when I tell you it's better for you to let me go then deal with what's coming if I stay with you."
"Bella-..." He started to reply, but suddenly stopped, and closed the growing gap I was placing between us with one long stride my way.
His lips captured mine urgently, stealing any returning argument I had out from under me as his kiss abruptly silenced it.
The feel of his tongue brushing mine left me dizzy.
We broke apart when we heard Billy approach his door, lingering there a bit longer before he headed for the front porch.
"He reads the paper out there now in the morning." Jacob sighed, with a suggestive nod toward the window. "Come with me."
I watched as he easily climbed out and then held his arms up to guide me down with him.
I tossed my jacket out and joined him there, trying not to trip along the way while I went.
Once both my feet were firmly planted on the ground below, Jacob took my hand and nodded toward where my truck was.
We crept to the garage and I glanced back to check and see if Billy could see us from this angle. Thankfully, he couldn't.
I breathed a sigh of relief and ran my hands through my tangled hair.
"You're in the clear." Jacob confirmed, grabbing my keys from off his work bench that I'd left there last night and gripping them tightly in his hand.
"Thank you."
He wordlessly nodded but didn't hand the keys over and I struggled to keep my distance from him the longer I stayed here.
His pull for me was something magnetic that I never understood.
He drew in a deep breath and swallowed thickly before lifting his head and meeting my stare.
"Tell me in twenty years, you wont regret this choice, Bella? That you won't look back and wish you'd chosen differently."
"Don't ask me to do that. I can't look you in the face and tell you that. I don't want to lie to you anymore."
Jacob's face grew harder at this, his eyes narrowing into slits at my truth now.
"So you're walking into this with your eyes wide open to the fact that you already know you'll regret it. What the hell are you doing!?"
"What I have to." I fiercely countered.
"Stop it!" He half shouted then. "Stop seeing it from just your side! There used to be a time when you would tell me everything, Bella! What happened!?"
"Consequences! Consequences happened!" I tearfully exclaimed. "I love you enough to walk away, Jake. Not because I want to, but because I have to. For everyone. I won't be selfish with this. I refuse."
I reached for my keys and he shook his head to me as he handed them over, his chest heaving with his anxious breaths now.
"Holy shit. I didn't think you could gut me any worse than what you had, but I guess I was wrong and the joke really is on me. I should've stayed the hell away from Washington and not come back at all!"
"Don't say that!" I yelled.
"Why not? Huh!? You come here, make love to me all night only to run back to him!"
"It's not like that!"
"That's exactly what it's like! Go, Bella. Go marry that leech! Seal your whole damn future to someone who will never understand you like I do! Never touch you or love you like I do! Never put you or what you need first cause he's too damn selfish to ever do that. Go marry someone who isn't even alive. Let him freeze you in time with him and when you see me again, we'll be enemies for life. But hey, at least we'll have the memories, right!? At least that's something!"
His words were filled with a stabbing acid like truth that felt as if he'd plunged a knife through me.
I staggered back a few steps, unable to keep my composure while I fumbled for the ignition key and headed straight for my truck.
I backed out of the driveway so fast that I nearly took out Billy's mailbox on the way, barely missing it by mere inches before shoving the gear stick into drive, and squeeling away from him as he stood at the end of the driveway watching me go.
I caught sight of him through the short glimpse in my rearview mirror just as he tore off for the forest, shredding his shorts as he phased on the fly and vanished there.
"Goodbye, Jake."
A/N: Okay so a loaded chapter. More to come tonight! Stay tuned and please leave a review! Thank you so much! Love hearing your feedback!