CHAPTER FIVE
(BPOV)
My drive back to Forks was a blur, my head throbbing and my eyes red rimmed from my endless tears.
I'd been through this once before and faired no better.
Leaving Jacob behind always felt like I was physically ripping my own heart out in the process.
It wasn't what I wanted.
It wasn't at all where I wanted us to be.
It had never been about a choice between him and Edward.
This had all stopped being about Edward months ago.
This was about the Volturi and Aro, and the promise I made to him while enduring that hell we all faced in Italy.
I pulled over to the side of the road when I neared the mile marker toward the mansion that the Cullens called home, and let out a scream of frustration as my body shook like a leaf with stomach churning sobs.
I hated this. I hated all of this.
I sat there for the better part of thirty minutes, trying to pull myself together enough to at least be presentable when I showed my face to Alice. She would be furious at the canvas I'd given her work with today, and I reminded myself that if there was any way I was going to get through this, I had to pull back out onto the road and at least finish the drive there.
When I arrived in their elaborate drive, Alice was preparing decorations with Esme, the two of them smiling and waving, as I checked my reflection and drew in a steadying breath before exiting my truck.
Alice wasted no time in coming to me, her rush of movement making my head whirl all the more when she hugged me in excitement and glee, only to freeze like a statue and stare into my face with a horrified expression.
"Oh, Bella...- Come with me."
She led me away in a flash, far away from the brooding and observant family members who were all peering our way in curiosity as to why she had whisked me off so fast.
Once we were in her room upstairs, she locked the door and whirled around with a truly heartbreaking look on her porcelain face.
"What happened?"
I swallowed back the emotion and squared my shoulders before I attempted to answer her.
"I said goodbye to Jacob."
The words tasted bitter on my tongue even when I said them.
"He came back...- that's why I couldn't focus on your future this morning when I tried to see the timing of your arrival here." She sighed needlessly.
With sincere compassion in her amber eyes, she looked me over once more and tried to keep the disgust off her face.
"I know- I know-... I smell like a wet dog-"
"Yes, his scent is all over you." She trailed off then, her quiet observation making me feel as if I was under a giant magnifying glass. "Were you over to Billy's on the Reservation?"
I merely nodded and headed for her oversized bathroom to turn on the shower that I was in desperate need of.
"Maybe I could draw you a bath instead?" She offered, turning off the water there.
I took the hint, as she poured the bath salts and extra bubble bath into the jet style tub now filling with warm water and sat there on the edge of it.
Once it was full, Alice left me to clean up and I hurriedly stripped, lowering myself into the warm water with ease and sinking under there until I was fully submerged.
Seconds passed, and I shamefully debated on whether or not I wanted to resurface.
Jacobs face in my mind was enough to make me rise up when I could no longer hold my breath, and suck in the needed air around me as I started scrubbing my ivory skin till it felt raw.
His scent would be there. It would be everywhere. He had touched and lavished every delicate part of me. More than just once.
The thought made the memories come back fresh and with those, more tears loomed.
I soaked in the tub until I looked like a giant prune and I washed my hair till it shined. The puffiness under my eyes couldn't simply be cured with a long bubble bath. That much I knew.
Alice certainly had her work cut out for her today.
I wrapped up in the white cotton bathrobe she had left behind and found her perched on the edge of her unused bed, simply looking out toward all the back yard preparations currently underway. Her stony silence making my temperature drop as I joined her there.
She didn't budge from her position as she continued to peer out through the large bay window ahead, and I started to wonder if she was simply unable to say anything to me at all right now.
After another few minutes, I brushed my tangled hair out and heard her speak finally.
Her question to me was unexpected and simple.
"Do you love him, Bella?"
I was quick to answer her in a vein attempt to patch some of the damage I'd already caused, as futile as it seemed. I had to at least try.
"Of course I love him- he's-"
Alice turned her head my way, her golden eyes saddened when they met mine.
"No, Bella. Not my brother. I'm not asking if you love Edward. I already know you do. What I'm asking you is if in our absence before, you fell in love with Jacob Black, and if you still love him now. Today...-" She softly clarified.
I felt numb, seeing that she was peering right through me. That had to be another one of her gifts. More than the seeing of the mind, maybe she had developed her talent enough to see into the soul too.
"Alice, I-..."
"You see, Bella. I love you like a sister already. That's what you are to me, and I've been able to see your future with Edward for a long time and it's always been fairly clear. Until right now."
"What are you saying?"
"There are holes punched all through it. Everywhere. So much so I can't even say for certainty that this wedding will go off smoothly today. I could see that a few days ago, but now...-nothing is clear when it comes to your future. I've always told you my visions are subject to change based on someones change of course. If they change direction. I have a strong sense that is what's happened here."
"Saying goodbye to Jacob has been hard for me. Can you just give me a little grace please?" I asked her, my voice unsteady.
"I'm not upset with you, Bella. I want you to make the right choice for you. Edward is my brother and I love him very much, but your happiness still matters to us. To all of us."
I nodded and wiped the tears that fell as I answered her truthfully.
"I do love Jacob. I love him in ways I don't fully understand and I love him way more than I should."
"He knows that. I think he's always known that." Alice added. "You went to the Reservation late last night not expecting him to be back home and he was."
"Yes." I confirmed."
"I know how worried you've been about him. How much you've missed him."
"Yes."
"...and seeing him- did you get what you thought you needed?"
Flashbacks of his naked body with mine made my answer to her stalled and she noted it.
I shook my head slightly to clear it then and tried again to address her better.
"Yes, I think I did."
"You made a promise."
I couldn't speak then as she rose to her feet and guided me over to her large makeup vanity and chair, her touch smooth and gentle while she started working on my face and then my hair.
The next two hours drug by slowly and with every passing minute, I felt my anxiety grip me more.
Alice had pulled off a miracle with my makeup and somehow managed to make my eyes look normal again. I made a mental note to keep myself together for as long as I could given all the work she'd put in.
"You look beautiful." She stated, as she secured the final pin in the back of my low bun that was gathered securely at the nape of my neck.
"Thank you."
"Edward just arrived back with Emmet from their morning hunting trip. He is showering and getting into his tux shortly. So far we are all on time and everything is going as scheduled. Oh and Charlie texted me ten minutes ago saying he is on his way with your mother and Phil. Can they come see you once they arrive?"
"Yes." I managed, feeling the emotion return at the image of my mother seeing me all ready to be married.
Weddings always made her weepy and mine would certainly be no exception. I was their only child, and giving me away would be hard for them both.
While Alice tended to my dress, laying it out on her bed, I pondered back to the message that my father had left on Billy's answering machine.
His words were full of worry. Part of me wondered if he would say something to me once he got here.
If I knew Charlie, he would be very tongue in cheek about the whole thing. That was his personality.
Another hour soon passed and before I knew it, I heard the excited and weepy voice of my mom as she flitted up the stairs and headed my way.
"Oh my goodness, my baby!" She half cried, taking me in her arms and holding me tight. "You look so beautiful, honey. Oh and look at that dress! I can't wait to see it on you! Oh, you'll be radiant. Edward won't be able to keep his hands off you at the reception!"
"Hey now, what's all this talk of hands all over who?" Charlie added, as he joined us there at the top of the stairs, looking well dressed and put together.
"Wow, dad." I half chuckled. "You clean up so well."
"Oh jeez, stop that. Besides, today is all about you. You look absolutely beautiful, kiddo."
His words were sincere, but I caught the worry in his eyes when he spoke them.
Renee fussed more over the wonderful job Alice had done on my hair and makeup, and when they finished, she kissed me on the cheek and Alice tried to usher them out so I could get dressed, but before she closed the door, Charlie stuck his head in.
"You know, uh...- listen Alice- can I have just a few minutes alone with Bella before things get started? Some time for dear old dad."
Alice smiled at him and he returned the kind gesture as she agreed and left the two of us alone.
"Of course you can. I'll just be right at the head of the stairs here if you need me to help later with slipping into your dress."
"Thanks, Alice."
Charlie shuffled his feet and loosened his black tie while clearing his throat before he looked my way, his face now pale and lacking in color.
"Dad, you alright?"
"Yeah, I'll be okay. Just need a minute to catch my breath and take a load off. Been a long few days at the station."
I fetched him a glass of water, and he drank it down greedily, his pale color not improving despite him being off his feet now.
"I don't like your color." I noted, touching his forehead and feeling how claimy he felt. "Are you dizzy? Sick to your stomach?"
"Now that you ask, maybe a little."
I sat down next to him there on the small white leather love seat in Alices room, the two of us growing briefly silent as we looked at each other.
"Giving you away is probably one of the hardest things I'll ever do while here on this earth. They always tell you that you blink and your kids grow up but man, you don't really take it seriously till it happens to you." He admitted, reaching out to take hold of my hand. "I love you, kiddo."
"I love you, too."
"You feel ready for this?"
"Yeah, almost. I just need to get my dress on and have you escort me down the stairs so we can begin." I told him as he nodded.
"No, I mean, are you really ready?"
I offered him half a smile and leaned in to place a soft kiss on his cheek.
"I'll be okay, dad. Don't worry."
"Worrying is my job, Bella." He reminded me with a wink.
"I promise, I'll be alright."
"I sure hope so."
"Did Billy come with you?"
"No, he got a ride in with Sue. They're both already seated and waiting. Chatting it up amongst everyone. Seth showed, too. Kids grown another six inches I swear. Them Reservation boys and their height. It's something else."
"I'm glad they came. Seth is a good kid."
"Sure is. Still no sign of Jacob though. I had hopes he'd come back from wherever he took off to. I'm seriously gonna start putting out some missing persons posters if he don't turn up soon."
I didn't reply to this and Charlie looked my way.
"Do you need my help with straightening your tie before I get my dress on?"
"Ah, I see you get that skill from your mama." Charlie hedged.
"What skill is that?" I mused to him in return.
"The skill of changing the subject on me whenever we don't like the topic. She used to do that when we were married. Drove me damn near crazy."
I laughed at this and shook my head before fixing my attention on his crooked tie.
"Sounds like mom."
"Oh, it was. So back on topic."
"I'm sure he's alright, dad. Jacob is independent and strong. He's not a little kid anymore and I'm sure he'll come home when he's ready to."
My answer made him raise an eyebrow and narrow his gaze in suspicion.
"Just last week you were in tears at the house over him not being here in time for the wedding. You practically begged me to start a search party."
"I've just realized that everyone needs time away sometimes. To get their heads straight. That's all."
"Bullshit."
His curse stunned me as I peered up into his knowing face.
"Dad...-"
"Excuse my French for the occasion and all, but I'm calling it like I see it. This may be my last chance to do so before you marry the wrong man."
My hands dropped from his shirt at this as his words sunk in.
One long look into the aged eyes that mirrored my own and I knew that he knew more than I ever thought he did.
"You know, don't you?" I sighed, unable to hold his stare any longer.
Charlie tucked a finger under my chin and redirected my gaze back to his.
"Yeah, I know."
"How?"
"Dads intuition." He half teased before getting more serious with me. "No, all kidding aside. Jacob showed up on my doorstep just before I left to come here. I asked him where he'd been for all these weeks, but he didn't say much. The hurt on his face said enough though, so I guess words weren't really needed. He gave me something to give you. Made me promise I'd hand deliver it before you walked down the aisle today. So here I am, fulfilling my duties."
With that, he handed over a single envelope with my name scribbled in Jacobs handwriting on the front of it.
I turned it over in my hands and broke the seal, already eager to know what he'd written.
Charlie tucked an arm around me, placed a kiss to my temple and let me be with it then, his parting words of wisdom hard to ignore.
"Sometimes in life, all you need to do is follow that big beating heart of yours. It'll show you where to go and lead you where you're meant to be. I'll be right out here if you need me...- with a getaway cop car, too-... just in case you decide to run and need one. Lights and sirens and all. If so, I'm your guy."
I gave him a small smile and a wave as he shut the door behind me, my gaze falling on the first few scribbled words of a half page letter Jacob had hand written.
Bells,
I've tried to start this letter to you half a dozen times already. Hopefully this one will be my last attempt and a successful one at that. It's barely dawn where I am right now, just south of the Canadian border. This is the first time I've stopped running in wolf form in almost two weeks. Being back on two legs almost feels weird. I'm sure you're mad that I haven't been in touch but I hope you understand. I needed some space. I needed some time outside of my own head for a while. Being away from you hurts like hell. That I'll admit and even though I chose to run from you for a while, you're still everywhere I look. Like this morning, I see you in the sunrise and I'll see you in the same sunset tonite, too.
Nature in itself is beautiful and when I am astonished at that beauty, I'm reminded of you.
The sunrise and sunset take my breath away, just like you always do.
I don't know what the future holds for us, or if we will ever see one another again after your wedding, but if this is it, if this letter is the last thing you ever hear from me, I want you to know that I'll keep fighting for you until my heart stops beating, too.
I'll hold you there with me forever or until I leave this earth.
Whichever comes first, honey.
-Jake-
A/N: Three updates in one day! Hope you all enjoyed these today. Please review!