"Today I had an epiphany. I decided that it would be better to release this chapter today. What better birthday present for myself than to give all of you a new chapter!"
- The Author
C8: Team 7
Beta Reader: Izaranna
Naruto was sitting on a picnic chair on a random street in Konoha, munching on some Takoyaki.
Three levels. Dealing with Mizuki-sensei gave me three levels.
It took me twelve years to reach four…
The saccharine sauces and the tender octopus tentacle in the centre of a soft doughy ball were little parcels of delight to his senses, perfect for washing away last night's bitter blood-soaked nightmares' aftertaste.
Being a ninja will make me level up faster. Being a ninja means… I'll have a team.
The boy was deep in thought, trying to figure out what the team divisions would be like, until a message accompanied by a ringing noise appeared, informing him that he had only five minutes to reach the Academy.
He got up and walked.
He was in no rush…who was he kidding?
The Uzumaki ran like his life depended on it.
He threw open the doors, nearly tearing them off their hinges, prompting everyone to stare at him as if he were crazy.
But he didn't mind —he'd made it on time after all.
He gave a thumbs up to Iruka and made for the stairs. The chunin was not amused. "Uzumaki Naruto! Where have you been?!"
The boy didn't even lie, so glad was he to have made it on time, if only just. "I was eating Takoyaki and lost track of time."
The Chunin looked defeated. "Just…just go to your seat Naruto."
Naruto sat on the empty seat Sasuke saved for him and quickly fell asleep when Iruka went into a long-winded spiel on how many more responsibilities ninjas had compared to civilians. Although he had slept many times on the almost comfy rock-hard oak chairs, dreams in the Academy were rare, and this one all the more so.
The room gave Naruto a headache.
Bright yellow colours swished and swirled all around him, weaving in and out of the non-being… everything lacked any sort of depth. Thumping noises in the background and distant echoes of voices, indiscernible in the vast emptiness and buzzing—Naruto wanted to vomit, his stomach pulsating, crawling its way up his food pipe, climbing and squeezing the flesh inside. In fact, it wasn't just the noises—the entire world was moving, beating like a heart—thump thump thump—like a gigantic 2D sack.
No substance, no—my head hurts—why was he here? What—please make it stop—
An indistinct yellow figure twisted out of the pulsating walls, reaching out to him with sunbeams of existence. Just as it reached Naruto's hunched over form, the manifestation collapsed into sand and the colours, the walls, the heartbeat—thump thump thump—receded, fading, falling, and he fell
Down
Down
Down…
Naruto yawned and stretched. It wasn't the first time he'd had such dreams; in fact, he could've almost sworn that he'd been in the same room before, but the colour had been different—blood red, like a tomato, or a chilli pepper…
He looked around to take in his silent surroundings. He was alone, except for Sasuke and a pink-haired girl – Haruno Sakura, his ability supplied – who was fidgeting with something in her hand.
"You're finally awake," muttered Sasuke. He was sitting right next to him, exactly where he'd been before the blond fell asleep.
"Indeed."
"And all by yourself? Seems like miracles do happen."
The black-haired boy smirked, and in response, Naruto grinned. "You're on my team then?" he asked.
"Yes."
Naruto decided that he wanted to mess with Sasuke, and so, using Sasuke's greatest pet peeve, he looked around the room with exaggerated secrecy and then whispered, "Looks like everything is in good hands. I'm going back to sleep."
Sasuke growled, unamused at his friend's antics. "Don't you dare! I've been waiting for a whole sixty minutes for our sensei to show up, and he still hasn't—I refuse to suffer in solitude any longer! If you go back to sleep, even Kami-sama won't save you."
Naruto was having fun with prissy Sasu-pants. "Why didn't you go do something?" he asked innocently. "Like talking to her?"
"I could, but somebody was sleeping. Knowing you, you'd freak out at not having someone next to you and kill yourself, thinking it was 'the best course of action' because you read it in 'How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse in Six Simple Steps'."
The blond interjected, "Hey! Don't diss Sir David Attenborough. Whatever that means. He's a national treasure. Somehow."
Sasuke didn't even bother to deign that with a response. "You don't kill yourself to get rid of your problems! This is why I can't leave you alone! You with your Sir David whatever and your stupid books and your card games and your—"
"I'm not that bad!" Naruto protested.
Sasuke snarked, "Let's review, shall we? Last year, you woke up during lunch time when everyone was outside and immediately assumed that you were kidnapped and put in an inescapable Genjutsu."
"It could've happened."
"Naruto, you blew up the room."
"But—"
"We sat, without a wall, in this room. For. Months."
"It wasn't that bad!"
"IT WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER!"
"The snow wasn't that cold…"
"This!" Sasuke said hysterically. "This is why no one likes you!"
Naruto laughed and then asked a very pressing question. "So… what happened while I was asleep?"
His best friend calmed himself down and replied, "The teams were obvious: Shikamaru is with his childhood besties under Sarutobi Asuma; Shino ended up with the dog and the Hyuuga child without a spine, and they have some woman as their sensei. Our team, on the other hand, has you, me, and some girl who pays less attention in class than you do. And guess what? Our sensei is supposed to have one eye. You know what this means right? I'm screwed!"
Naruto silently went over all the names and then muttered, "You seriously couldn't be bothered to pay attention to any of the others could you?"
Sasuke responded with his patented unrepentant smirk. "Maybe you should have stayed awake. Honestly, I don't know how you'd have survived education without me. You'd probably wake up on graduation day and forget what chakra was!"
"Thanks for the vote of confidence, seriously. I don't know how I've inspired such loyalty in you."
"Damn straight," muttered the Uchiha. "Anyway, I'll go see our new teammate now cause you'll probably 'sleep on the job' again."
Naruto burst out, "That was ONE time! One!"
Sasuke hesitantly approached the pink haired girl. It was strange, he mused, that this was the first time he'd be attempting to start a conversation with any girl at all. Let alone the Haruno girl. She was strange, he knew.
Everyone knew.
It was as if the entire class was just one hive-mind with the Yamanaka girl being the one who spread most of the gossip around.
She was a civilian; her father was killed by a rogue ninja while en route to a festival at some local peasant village. Apparently, the man had been unlucky—a stray kunai just an inch too close and his life was forfeit.
Sasuke was passively sympathetic about her backstory. He wouldn't want anything to happen to his family.
The girl appeared to be sleeping. As he walked closer, he realised that she was actually wide awake—her fingers were moving rapidly and were enclosed around a square object.
"Umm, hello?" asked Sasuke. He had no idea how to begin normal conversations. He was far too used to Naruto's eccentricities to ever be normal again.
The girl replied almost immediately. "Just a sec."
And true to her word, only a second later, she opened her eyes, but she didn't stop moving her hands.
"Hello!" her voice was peculiar. It reminded him of…of…
"Itachi's flute…"
"I guess you're on my team then?" continued the girl exuberantly, completely ignoring his verbal slip up.
Sasuke responded slightly hesitantly, taken aback by the happiness in Sakura's voice. Naruto never spoke so happily, and that idiot was the happiest person he knew. It sounded almost… fake?
Like a mixture of deceit and truth. Kiba, Shino and even Shikamaru were nothing like her, that much was certain and they were his only points of reference, what with them being the only humans he talked to on a semi-regular basis. The potted tomato plant was a different story.
"Yes?"
"I think we'll do well together, ne?"
"I hope so," replied the boy, unsure of exactly what to say next.
"Let's see then!" She paused, before continuing. "Did it work?"
"What?" questioned Sasuke. He was confused, but he figured it had to do with what she was doing with her hands.
The girl opened up her hands to reveal a Rubik's cube.
"Perfect! It worked."
"What?"
"I was trying to see whether I could solve it without looking."
Sasuke immediately began to question the sanity of his fellow teammate.
What? Why on Earth would she even…. What? Rubik's cube. One of those ancient things that for some unexplained reason survived the test of time. She solved it without even looking. Itachi couldn't even solve it with a Sharingan!
"Why?"
"I like challenging myself—cognitive training you know."
She started to look disinterested in the conversation and began taking apart the cube.
The boy slowly backed away from Sakura. "Right…I'll leave you to it."
He had had enough of girls. If all of them were like this…he wasn't really cut out for society.
"Sure! Nice meeting you," chirped the girl back.
Naruto spied on his teammates. They were pretty funny.
His attention wavered quickly enough. He glanced up at the bars and words that floated above them; their statuses and a mugshot of their faces showing their current emotions were all open for him to see.
Name: Haruno Sakura
Level: 4
Health: 100%
Chakra: 100%
Rank: Academy Student (+ 50% EXP gain until level 5, then 25% until level 10; Max Scroll Ranking: Low D)
Affiliation: Konoha (Medium)
(?): Earth Nature (First); Control Freak (100% Chakra Control (- 95%) to Jutsu Cost); Dissociative Chakra Disorder (Immunity to psychological effects and/or skills, ?)
Naruto looked at her stats. Her skills were something to behold, but the last one did make him worry slightly. A form of chakra that was separate from her, but still a part of her body? Is it like another personality, or something more sinister?
Sasuke snapped Naruto out of his musings. "Naruto? Are you awake?"
"Yes… yes I am."
"Good."
The Uchiha sat down next to the blond in silence.
"So then, how's everyone at home?"
"Well, since you last came a month ago, nothing major has changed." Sasuke paused before continuing. "Let's see… Kaa-san's fine; Nii-san's been at home a lot more recently – he quit Anbu a few months ago—and Otou-san…"
Naruto looked slightly worried. "Is something wrong with him?"
Sasuke's mood took a downturn. "Well…Otou-san is kinda…a few of his close friends have gone MIA and he's been a bit…"
"Do you know where they went MIA?"
"Somewhere on the border of the Land of Rice and Iron, near the river that's in the Land of Fire. You know the place right?"
"Yeah. That sucks."
Naruto was just about to say more but he was interrupted by the appearance of Team Seven's Jounin instructor. His eyes narrowed as he read the man's status.
Name: Hatake Kakashi
Level: 91
Health: 100%
Chakra: 100%
Rank: Jounin (+ 15% Damage when using Natural Elemental Affinities; +5 to all stats; +20 REP to Konoha [Citizens]; -20 REP to Cloud [Ninja] and Stone [Ninja]; Max Scroll Ranking: S-Rank)
Affiliation: Konoha (Strong); Team 7[4th Gen] (Strong)
(?): Lightning Nature (First); Water Nature (Second); Earth Nature (Third); Fire Nature (Fourth); Wind Nature (Fifth); Living Condenser (-75% cost to using water vapour for Water Jutsu); Transplanted Sharingan (Permanently On; Three Tomoe); Mangekyo Sharingan (Active)
He's pretty good, almost at Jiji's level. Better if you count that Jiji's 'Old Man' epithet gives him negatives to just about everything. He can even use all five elemental natures. That transplanted Sharingan! Weird. And a Mangekyo? Only a handful of Uchiha have it! He has the ability to use water vapour for his attacks just like the Nidaime. He's too good to be just a normal Jounin. Can't figure out who he is, though… maybe it's the mask? From comparing Yugao-nee with and without her mask, stats change. Her real name pops up without her mask, but with it on, whatever is associated with her mask appears instead. It is pretty weird. Sooo he could be an Anbu.
"Meet me on the roof," said the man before poofing out of existence. Naruto's eyes widened in realisation.
He's Nii-san! He looks like him, talks like him and walks like him, so obviously it's him! That explains why Yugao-nee said that I'd like my new sensei!
"Let's go then Sasuke."
"Yeah, sure."
The two rose up and approached the door. Naruto stopped and turned around, remembering his third teammate.
"Are you coming? We should go up together. We're a team now, after all."
The girl looked up at the boy with a hint of confusion, but it quickly cleared away to reveal a happy countenance. She got up and followed her teammates, stowing away her Rubik's cube into one of the little pouches around her waist.
They walked in silence until Sasuke decided to break it. "If you don't mind me asking, why do you have that many pouches, Haruno-san?"
"Isn't it kinda obvious?"
Sakura opened one of the pouches and took out a kunai, twirled it around her pinkie finger and then put it back in, heavily exaggerating the movement.
"See? The kunai goes in here. I keep lots of stuff in them since the academy doesn't really like people carrying around bags. Tripping hazards they say, even though we're training to be ninjas…they still worry about lame things like that. I mean, I can't even store books in them which really sucks."
Sasuke had no idea what to say to the condescending, then just crazy, pronouncement, so he chose to go for his default response. "Cool story bro."
The trio reached the rooftop and sat on the steps in front of their new instructor.
"Ah, my cute little potential Genin hopefuls have arrived. How about we begin with something simple, hmm? Introduce yourselves: names, likes, dislikes and ambitions are fine," said the man a little too cheerfully.
There was complete silence. It was like time stood still; the birds stopped chirping and everyone was deathly immobile. Clearly, no one wanted to go first. The silence shrouded the rooftop for a good few minutes until the Uchiha spoke, "Fine. I'll go first. Umm…I like tomatoes, rice balls, taking walks and training. I hate sweet things and natto beans. My ambition…survive puberty. Oh! And my name is Uchiha Sasuke."
The lone dark grey eye of their sensei widened an almost unnoticeable fraction to betray his surprise at the Uchiha not only going first but also being funny. Who knew there was more than one idiot in that clan?
Sakura decided to go next. "My name is Haruno Sakura! Nice to meet you! I love pickled plums and shiratama anmitsu. I really enjoy memorization and cognitive training." She paused, unsure of what to say. "I hate…spicy food, I guess. My goal in life is to protect young children from being traumatised by violence, which is why I want to be a ninja!"
"I'm last, but don't think, Hatake-san, that you are off the hook. I like oshiruko, miso ramen, training and reading. And burning things. I hate boredom. Like, a lot. My ambition is…"
That…is a really good question. Learn everything? Nah, that's an inevitability. Take over the world? Nah, too much paperwork. Mind currently drawing a blank…
"Undecided," finished Naruto.
"You are seriously the most uninspired bunch I have ever met." The man paused for emphasis.
"I like it! You're my first team, so I really have no idea how to train you. The only training experience I have is…well. You'll see. Maybe. None of you seem very special from your descriptions, so let's say…the day after tomorrow at 9:00 AM, come to training ground three for survival training."
Kakashi waited patiently for someone to question him. No one did. Sighing, Kakashi muttered, "No fun at all…'why not tomorrow sensei!', well, excuse me for wanting a reaction. Silly genin. Stupid job. Don't even know why I bother—"
Well, if they're not going to play their part, I'll play their part for them. I'm on a schedule.
The man adopted a solemn and serious look, before continuing, "Well, seeing as you asked so politely, I'll tell you why the survival training isn't scheduled for tomorrow. We Jounin have special stuff we need to do, like secret-secret meetings, and sneaky-sneaky doings. Very secret. Yup. Don't ask me more, don't pester me! I can't tell you. I'm important!"
He poofed away, leaving a vintage rubber duck behind.
Omake
How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse in Six Simple Steps (Multipack cannot be sold separately. For best before, please contact Sir David Attenborough. Yes, that one.)
Note: these easy top tips work with nearly every type of apocalypse, even the carnivorous peanut variety.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale.
Find a piece of rope.
Find something to hang it off.
Knot the rope as shown in the diagram below.
Hang yourself.
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