Albus looks up as Pomona slams open the staffroom door, clearly looking as though she's run here from the greenhouses. A glowing blue owl swoops into the room after her before settling on her shoulder. Glancing at the clock on the wall he notes that she's still on time, if cutting it very close. His eyebrows try to disappear into his hairline when she conjures a lounge chair large enough to seat Hagrid. He's sure that he hears her mutter, "Oh blast!"
"Right, I think everyone's here now. I know we'd have normally had this meeting last week, but we weren't able to employ Andromeda here Saturday. On that note, how have you found the facilities?"
Andromeda scowls at Albus, "They are absolutely deplorable Albus. The ventilation charms are pretty much all expired and the walls and floors are covered in nearly a decade of fumes. I've seen Potion Master Snape's personal laboratory and it's clear that it's not because he is a slob as a person, as that is kept pristine. I've found a new classroom on the fourth floor that has clear open windows. I should be finished putting the cooling and ventilation charms in place tomorrow evening."
"What is wrong with another room in the Dungeons?"
"For a personal lab? Absolutely nothing, but for a classroom environment? Lack of emergency ventilation. Some potions can temporarily overwhelm ventilation charms when they go wrong, so having windows that can be opened with the wave of a wand is an additional safety measure that is ideal for the classroom environment. It does come with the additional hassle of needing to maintain cooling charms so that the environment is as controlled as possible. But I see that as being a better trade off than sending students to the hospital wing due to potion inhalation. As it stands the old potions classroom is going to need to be carefully cleaned by hand by people wearing bubbleheaded charms. There's probably absolutely nothing problematic in the residue and a few scourgifies would fix it, but I don't like the idea of trusting my life to probably."
"I see. And how will you be ensuring that this doesn't happen to the new classroom?"
Andromeda laughs a tinkling laugh, "That's easy, the last five minutes of every lesson will be spent with a mop and bucket cleaning the floor, walls, and ceiling."
"Moving on, do you have any objection to the amount of time dedicated to the potions class?"
"Yes, I'd like to have two long classes rather than one long and two short classes. My plan is to go over the brewing process for the next class with the students, so that they can take notes and see how the potion is supposed to come together. The next class would then be spent brewing that potion with my supervision. Or more than one potion if they're quick potions. While they might not get the shear amount of brewing time that my predecessors gave the class, and yes I'm including Slughorn in that, I believe that it will given them a higher quality brewing experience. It also mirrors the way that medi-witches are taught the specific medical potions in St Mungo's."
Albus says softly, "Yes, you were a Healer weren't you."
Minerva frowns, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but if you were at St Mungo's why did you accept Albus' offer?"
"I'm getting paid almost as much as I was before, and I now get more research time to develop new potions, as I've not been able to get an apprenticeship in the last 15 years. As this is Nymphadora's last year here I also avoid the conflict-of-interest aspects of the position for the most part."
Minerva nods understandingly, both she and Pomona had to get their names better known in their respective fields with breakthroughs. While sexism isn't as rife as it is in the muggle world, magic being a great equaliser, there's certainly a large 'old boys club' feel to a lot of the more prestigious professions.
"Very well, we can't use last years timetable then. On to the subject of house pairings, I propose swapping Gryffindor and Hufflepuff around for lessons."
Pomona is immediately in disagreement, "That would be a terrible choice, especially this year. If you're going to swap them with anyone, swap them with Ravenclaw. No offence Fillius, but your claws do have the least acrimonious relationship with Slytherin."
Fillius nods, "That's quite alright dear, facts are facts. Even though I'm sure that many of my claws will bemoan no longer working with the puffs."
Madam Hooch speaks up, "I agree, I suspect that I'm going to have enough problems with them at loggerheads with my house as it is. I hope that you'll be able to reign in the house Mrs Tonks, as it is a far cry from the house it used to be when you were here, let alone when I attended Hogwarts."
"I will certainly be doing my best, it's like most of them have never heard of the word subtlety, let alone know what it means. I have no idea how Mr Malfoy got into the house, as he's using his family name and weapon as a bludgeon rather than a scalpel."
For the first time in years, the sorting hat rouses itself from the shelf that it oversees staff meetings from, "He refused Gryffindor, and didn't meet the requirements for any of the other houses."
"I didn't think you could talk about the sortings?"
"Not quite true, I can't talk about what I find in the children's minds. I can talk about my own decisions to my brims content. It's just that in most cases they don't make sense without the context of their minds. Now, if you don't mind hurrying up your decision to pair Ravenclaw and Slytherin together until both Gryffindor and Slytherin are back in control and can be used to temper each other again, I was having a nice nap."
It's Madam Hooch that asks the question that's on everyone's mind, "Hang on, what do you mean temper each other?"
The hat grumbles, "This is why I don't normally say anything. Courage and confidence fail when it isn't tempered with planning and forethought, and cunning and ambition becomes paralysed when it isn't tempered with a little courage and confidence. The same is true with the badgers and the claws, loyalty and hard work need to be tempered with study and introspection otherwise better ways of doing things will be overlooked. Equally, intelligence and problem solving need to be grounded by hard work and tradition otherwise they tend to try to solve problems that don't need a solution. Any more questions before I go back to sleep?"
Albus looks around the room, "No, I think that's it for the moment."
Madam Hooch says thoughtfully, "I can see what it means, I've already had to shoot down Olivers planned training schedule for the Quidditch team twice, and it's not even been 24 hours since he found out I was the new head of house. The fact that you hadn't already caught that says a lot about how overworked you were Minerva."
Albus frowns, as he actually wants her to be too busy to look into the way the school's been run. Maybe it was a mistake to hire Andromeda, but he couldn't find Slughorn in time. Why did Severus have to resign with an oath. His frown deepened as he realises that trading Gryffindor with Ravenclaw had been finalised without his input, and they were already working on all seven years of lessons for the new timetable. Hang on, when did Minerva find time to find the scheduling spell?
When he tunes back into the conversation, Minerva's saying, "That looks like a pretty good schedule, can anyone see any conflicts or double bookings?"
Andromeda scowls, "On Wednesday I've got both potions classes for the 3rd years, I'd rather have a few days between classes, but I can work with it if not."
"I've got a free double period on Wednesday morning and I'm not seeing the 3rd years that day, which slots are you looking for?"
"Late morning?"
"Sorry, mine are early morning."
Fillius hums, "Do you have any free slots on Friday?"
"Yes, early afternoon."
"I can swap 3rd year charms for your 3rd year potions."
Albus sits back in his chair in a sulk as they seem to be managing without his input.
There's a sudden scream of agony through the classroom as a Fulgent flash of light fills the enclosed space. Minerva takes the scroll that Sunbeam is holding before she disappears again before drawing her wand and casting the spell that Poppy taught her on Andromeda, then starting around the room as she helps.
"What," demands Andromeda, "was that?"
"That was Sunbeam, Harry's phoenix familiar delivering a letter for Pomona."
Pomona reads the letter, "Ah, it's from L and Jamie, half the first years are going to miss dinner tonight as they're learning Simian. L promises to feed them, and says that it will be less painful for them to learn there than in the school."
Looking interested, Albus leans forward, "Who's L?"
To his surprise it's Minerva who answers, "She's the sage of Mischief Magic in the Realm of Magic."
She then continues with what she knows about their magic before they go back to working on the timetables as though nothing happened.
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The four children manage to resolve the question about familiars without needing Olanders help, with Daphne and Megan getting phoenixes, and Tracy and Susan getting Dragons. Olander was highly amused by the fact that the biggest argument was actually between Tracy and Daphne over who would get the phoenix and who would get the dragon. Daphne won by pulling the family card.
Shortly after that, Harry led everyone to see L. As predicted, they all asked to learn Simian the same way that Hermione had been taught.
L similes indulgently at the group of children with hopeful expressions, "Very well, I will teach you all Simian the same way that I did Hermione. But first you need to go through the rite of ascension. I'm going to cast a spell on all of you that will allow you to see motes of magic. Once you've each found 7 motes, and you've summoned your familiars and learnt to ride your brooms properly, I'll teach you. Jamie wasn't it?" Jamie nods, "I'm just going to write a note to your professor to let her know that the children will be late. Is there anything you want to add? Oh, and I'll make sure they eat, even if it's only mac&cheese. I'm sure that Sunbeam will deliver the letter for me, as she's such a wonderful phoenix."
It's not long after that, that the library is filled with the sound of laughing and squealing children as they all run around looking for motes of magic. Jamie and Olander both smile indulgently even as they have to jog to keep pace with them. It's early evening when the last person has got their full compliment of motes.
L laughs at the happy faces of the hufflepuffs as the crowd around in front of her, "Ok, everyone stand in a line and I'll cast the spell to trigger your ascension."
Dudley turns up while the 8 of them are floating in the air with magic coursing through them, "Hey L, is this a bad time? Oh, hi Harry and Hermione, aren't you supposed to be at school?"
L responds, "Kinda, I'm just inducting these kids into our magic. I'm going to take them to the Duelling grounds to summon their familiars and learn to cast spells once that's done. Then do a batch of Mac&cheese to feed them. If you and Gemma wanted to come back after dinner, they could probably do with someone sitting with them to help with learning Simian. If it's quick I can send them home before the spell ends."
Hermione says, "That's mean, but I find I'm looking forward to it."
Olander looks confused, "What are you talking about?"
"If you recall, L is the Sage of Mischief magic. This means that she will take most opportunities to prank you if you're not careful or you're sloppy with your wording. I kinda glossed over what it was like for me to learn Simian because it was embarrassing, so they've just asked her to teach them the way I was taught. And no, I'm not going to tell you either."
"Ah, like a more grown up version of the Weasley twins then."
"I don't believe I know who they are."
"I'm sure you'll find out in the morning, they've had a whole day without classes to get up to something."
Seeing that they're talking about stuff he knows nothing about, Dudley says, "Cool, I'll see you after dinner, I'm off to troll the forums."
"Have fun Dudley." Harry says as he waves at his back.
It's around then that the first person lowers to the ground and sags slightly.
Tracy shakes her head, "Woah, what a rush."
"I know, it's great. Just be glad we haven't started learning spells yet, so we won't need to adjust."
Jamie's the next one to finish, "Ow! Fuck that hurt."
Olander slaps them around the back of the head, "Language, there's first years around."
L turns to Jamie, "Out of interest Jamie, are you a boy or a girl?"
Both of them Chorus at the same time, "Yes."
"Hmm, I see. Well let's see now, ah yes, yes, ok, feminine figure, pees sitting down, can get pregnant, and I don't need to change the clothing preferences. Change the voice and viola."
"Oi! Hey, what the hell?" Jamie says in a much higher musical voice.
"I just changed your gender to match your answer. You now have the body of a man, and the figure, voice, and reproductive ability of a girl."
"But!"
"You'll probably thank me later."
Olander stifles a giggle behind her hand, "You know you've been asking for that for years."
"I guess, in both senses of the phrase. But I'd have liked to have some input. And if I can now get pregnant that probably means I'm going to bleed out of my dick three days a month."
L titters, "Oh, no. You are now the proud owner of a vagina situated just behind your testicular sack. It's no good for sex, but it will dilate during labour as your cervix does. Are you two in a relationship by the way?"
Olander blushes, so L continues, "Oh fun, well, let's make it a little more fun. Pees standing up, and can get others pregnant."
"Huh?"
"Don't worry dear, you'll find out next time you go to the loo. Also, you no longer need to worry about contraceptives, that's all down to the other partner now."
Harry cocks his head, "How did you do that without a mirror?"
"Just go to 'Manage Worlds' and there's an icon at the top right called manage households, you then want the other households tab."
"OK, thanks, that's good to know."
"Now that you know that Harry can do the same thing. Give it a week before you ask him to reverse the changes."
Sally-Anne says, "Can you do anything about missing limbs with that?"
L's eyes glaze over again before coming back, "I'm sorry child, we can't use the interface to fix that. The doctors in the cities might be able to fit you with a replacement of some kind.
"If you were able to spare several months, you might be able to get a ride on a spaceship out to the republic. I hear that they can do wonders, though I've never had the chance to go myself. Do be aware of the fact that they are in a different galaxy though."
Sally looks downcast at that, "I had hoped that it would be possible."
"Look, it might not be something you can do now. But if you work hard, you can learn the skills you need to work your way out there once you're an adult. You never know, once you're there you might learn enough to reproduce the techniques they use at home. Enough of that, let's go to the Duelling ground so that we have enough space to summon your familiars."
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Summoning their familiars went very much the way that Harry, Hermione and L expected until they finished. There were 2 new red dragons and a blue dragon in addition to the three phoenixes. Suddenly Xingwei turned into her red dragon form and started rapidly speaking in a foreign language. Everyone had to scatter as the three red dragons ran at each other and embraced in a hug. Fortunately, the Phoenixes transported all of the humans off of the island that is the duelling ground.
Xingwei looked up at the two red dragons as their appearance tickled something in the back of her mind. Suddenly she placed one of the dragons, it was her younger sister who was little more than a whelp when she was captured. Overcome with emotion, she transforms and runs towards her sister.
"Kuanwei, still living up to your name I see."
"Xingwei, but you were taken years ago."
"I know, I was on the way to the human village for some supplies."
"Mum and Dad were frantic with worry for years. This is Wulian, she came from another clan once most of the dragonesses had been taken. We grew up together for the most part, and we were the last dragonesses that we know of."
"Pleased to meet you." – She then turns to the Blue – "Look, I know that our species have traditionally been enemies, but we're all dragons here. What's your name?"
"I'm Shenjing, I don't remember hearing of other disappearances."
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As they caught up with each other, there was another reunion taking place between the phoenixes.
Sunbeam radiated joy as she saw some old friends, "Solar, Ember, Spark, you're alive. Thank the light. I've missed you."
The four of them twist an intricate dance into the sky while they talk.
Solar joyfully says, "Sunbeam, you're here. What's going on?"
"You've been summoned as familiars for the humans below."
Ember grumbles, "I am not some pet to be summoned."
"None of us are, I need you to follow me before you say anything else." With that said she flashes out into the world connected to the portal, where far below her, is a person with a phoenix familiar that looks like a caricature of a phoenix drawn by a cartoonist. The other three soon appear beside her.
"Look down there, see that phoenix. That's our other choice beside being left in our orbs."
"Why that dirty human, how dare they treat one of us like that."
"It's not their fault. The ones that captured us and bound us to the orbs, they made humans into a game for their own amusement. Harry, my bonded, comes from a different world many galaxies away from this one. There they weren't affected by the ones that captured us. According to a Veild, the ones that captured us got bored and started investigating black holes. The game that they left behind evolved and started making it's hosts players. Everyone on this planet is part of the game, and they call it the interface. What you see there is what we look like when we're summoned using the interface."
"Fine, I won't take it out on the humans, but she better treat me as an equal."
"While they can't see our speech, we can translate through the bond. So that shouldn't be a problem."
Spark interrupts, "Look, I really don't care. I just want to get laid, I've had a 100,000 year dry-spell and the last males I saw fled at the sight of me."
"Get this, their interface has the ability to change who is the one that will get with egg. You know what the males are like about asking for an egg in the heat of the moment…"
"Oh yes, that will be good. Do you know how hard it is to fly when you're carrying?"
"Tell me about it." Says solar, "Though I'm not sure if I'll shag or geld the next male I see. As I was caught with the aid of some males."
"Well, at the human school my bonded is attending, there's a male that seems to be young enough that he wasn't involved. It was fun chasing him down a few weeks ago."
"Oooh I can't wait."
"The last thing, these humans have discovered a potion to grant immortality. Though they can't cheat death yet. But I'm sure if we persuaded our bondeds to make the potion once they're full grown, we could cry in them and give them a little boost. Then we'd never need to worry about being stuck in those stupid orbs again."
Ember groans, "My bonded feels very uncomfortable, we should probably go back now."
"Flash outside if you don't want to blind your bonded. I keep forgetting as my bonded has the interface so isn't bothered by the light of my flash."
"Bah, I'll cry into the eyes of mine at some point, that should solve the issue."
"I hadn't thought of that."
With a flash of light they return to the Realm of Magic.
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Broom lessons ended up taking place in the Garden rather than the Duelling ground due to an infestation of Dragons. Once they'd all successfully flown back to the library, Susan surprised L by jumping her in a hug.
"Thank you, thank you so much for teaching us to call our familiars, and use our brooms."
L awkwardly pats Susan's back. While she's doing that, Hannah glomps into her side, followed by Megan, and then Sally-Anne. Somewhat self-consciously, Daphne and Tracy both join in the group hug. With a light poke in the ribs by Harry, Neville also joins in. The flash of a camera causes her slight smile, as she's looking with bemusement at the children hugging her, to turn into a scowl as she looks around and spots Morgyn looking excessively innocent to one side.
"Come on you lot, let's show you how to use a cauldron to cook. You'll need to provide your own ingredients, but it's a simple enough thing to do, and it really doesn't use much as it's using the multiplicative effect of magic in the cauldron."
She then leads them into the rooftop garden and has them gather around the cauldron. Using the interface she starts cooking so that the ingredients appear in her hand, then cancels the action.
"If you were to learn how to make potions from myself or Simeon, this is the first thing we'd get you to do so that you become comfortable with filling the cauldron with magic and mixing something together. So for ingredients, you need macaroni, cheese, and milk, you should also have seasoning to hand. When you're starting a new recipe, the first thing you should always do is send a pulse of magic through the cauldron to clear out any residue from previous usages. No need to use Scruberoo for this as we just want to get rid of everything. Next you touch the side of the cauldron like this and inject magic into the bowl of the cauldron. This will give you a grey mixture, it's actually clear, it's just refracting the colour of the edges of the cauldron so that there appears to be a flat surface.
"The next step is a little anticlimactic, as you just dump all of the ingredients into the cauldron. Can you see them spread out on the surface? Once the mixture is prepared, you send a spark of magic to the crystals or logs under the cauldron and use one of these symbols to materialise the stirring ladle with a quick injection of magic. Now obviously you will all need to hold the ladle while cooking. But in a few years, once you understand the patterns and flows of magic you'll be able to do this without even thinking. You'll want to keep a slow but steady flow through the ladle, there's no special mixing patterns or sprinkling of magic involved in this. Just a steady stir and an idea of what you're trying to produce. While it's cooking you can take a taste using the stirring ladle without affecting the dish, then throw in a little salt and pepper to taste. Just remember that I've only used enough ingredients for 3 or 4 servings and you'll be getting around 11 servings out. So the seasoning that you use will also be multiplied out too."
A spark of magic and a flick of her hand sees Megan turn into a porcelain duck, "Ah, Ah, no tasting the food before it's done. Oh fiddlesticks she can't hear me. Can one of you carefully move her over to the side there please? Thank you.
"Anyway, I believe that Simeon is going to be visiting over the next couple of weeks to teach you lot Scruberoo. Once you've learnt the spell, most of what I've just told you will actually make sense. So do join in. Though you'll need to understand Simian, as that's what we use to write our equations, and also what all of our notes are written in."
Megan changed back into a person while they were all eating, and went to get her own bowl of food from the cauldron. Somewhat chagrined that she was the last one to start eating.
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Once they finished eating, L rubbed her hands together. Hands up everyone that wants me to teach them Simian the same way that I taught Hermione. When everyone except the prefects and those that already know it raise their hands L smiles a wide smile.
"In that case, I'm going to cast a spell on each of you. This spell will allow me to treat you like you have the interface and give you commands that you will obey. Don't worry, this isn't mind control, it's body control. A Minor but important difference as Hermione will attest to."
Hermione flushes, "Yes, I was able to talk to Harry even while I couldn't stop myself from doing what L told me to do."
L then proceeds to Minionise each of the first years with their hands up. Once that's done she tells them all to sit their silently until she calls them up. Then one by one she calls them to the side room and tells them to change into embarrassing outfits, ranging from a clown suit, to a tomato, to a Hotdog, to a Cat or Dog. Once they're all sitting back in the area, with pleading eyes, she hands each of them a shitty book written in Simian. Her final command to the group is to 'Find the busiest part of the library and study the book they're holding until they understand it'.
She then turns to Jamie holding a lurid pink leotard with tutu and ballet straps, "Are you sure I can't interest you in learning to read Simian the way Hermione did?"
Jamie laughs, "I think I can do without learning to read with a side order of embarrassment. Though, I would like to come back after the lower years curfew and learn the language without the embarrassment, or at least public embarrassment anyway."
It's not long after they've started reading the books that Dudley, Gemma, and Petunia all turn up to help them learn. Five people coupled with being around plenty of people with the interface means that they're done reading in around an hour, rather than the 3-4 that it took Hermione.
At some point the dragons and phoenixes all return to their bonded, concern written on their features until they see why they're uncomfortable. Just as the last person closes their book, Harry and Hermione both stiffen, then walk behind a book case together. When they come out Harry is wearing a pink leotard with a tutu and straps, a tiara in his hair, and a feminine figure. Hermione comes out wearing a lara croft style outfit with a bullwhip and trilby hat in 4 inch knee high boots.
Harry says, "Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention that L can cast spells anywhere in the area. Just be thankful that she's the sage of mischief rather than something else."
L comes in with Jamie and Olander, "Indeed, now I believe that you can all speak Simian now. Which given the lack of confusion on your faces and the confusion on Jamie and Olander's faces tells me that I'm correct. I want you all to go back to Hogwarts with the prefects, and then go to the great hall and socialise until curfew, then you can do as you wish. You are only allowed to speak in Simian until the spell wears off."
Switching back to English she says, "They're all yours, they shouldn't have any trouble getting back to Hogwarts, though we'll probably need to ensure they know how once they come back. All you need to do is concentrate on your current home, which would be Hogwarts, and step through the portal. If you end up in Gimmerstone then you know you've done it wrong, just come back and do it again."
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It is a very embarrassed group of first years that flee back to the common room at curfew and quickly change into something less problematic. What's worse is that they couldn't explain what was happening to anyone, as they weren't able to speak English. As they were sat in a group in the common room Tracy says.
"That was Awsome. And the dragon bonded to me says her name is Kuanwei."
Xingwei joins the group, "Mistresses Tracy, Sally-Anne and Susan, the dragons bonded to you would like to cast a spell that will allow them to learn all of the languages that you know. According to my Mistress, it felt like fingers rifling through her mind. Would you give permission for them to do this please?"
As each of them nod, their respective familiars come over and place a finger on their forehead before casting a spell in a strange language.