Summary: A moment in the office. Heero, Duo and some really terrible bisuits.
Disclaimer: Don't own GW.
It's a funny thing; trusting someone. I'm not very good at it and I've never trusted a person so much as to tell them everything I think I want to. I don't like to appear vulnerable, it's something I feel I shouldn't be. But sometimes, for some people, I want to be able to know that if I did happen to feel insecure, I could run to them and everything would be ok.
I sometimes think I've placed too much trust in Duo already. There's a lot of things I keep from him that I want him to know but am...wary of telling him. What if it's not the kind of thing he wants to hear? I could try to rely on him only to find that he doesn't have any desire to be relied upon. It could be unneeded pressure. He could tell me to back off. He could tell other people I'm tiresome to deal with because I dump everything on him.
He could get sick of being around me or scared off because I wasn't what he wanted. There were just so many things that he mightn't like and if Duo doesn't like something or finds himself in an uncomfortable situation, he doesn't stick around to figure it out; he runs as far and as fast as he can and hides himself away.
I'm lying in bed wondering why Duo's here tonight. He said it was to drive me to the airport tomorrow - which is plausible as I have to be there at four in the morning - but why is he here now when he's spent so much time avoiding me recently?
I'd thought, maybe, with the way he'd been acting, that he'd already started running. But he was here now and he said he was going to be here when I got back. So that kind of implied that he wasn't intending to go anywhere anytime soon. Unless he was planning on leaving as soon as he saw me safely returned.
He was packing extra things into my duffel bag when I wandered out of my room the following morning. Food and snacks mostly, but I'd seen a jumper go in, spare shoes and a second pair of trousers. I'd done it all yesterday afternoon before Relena arrived for dinner but Duo had gotten up early this morning and decided to redo it all for me. I wasn't quite sure why, it seemed a strange thing for him to do. It wasn't like it was going to matter to him whether I went slightly hungry or ended up just a bit cold. I shrugged it off though, he was causing no harm. I'd carry the extra weight around later just to see him smile right now.
He'd obviously been up for a good while by the time I'd bothered to get up. He'd cooked me savory Chinese porridge for breakfast and that takes at least an hour if not longer. He doled it out of the pot into bowls while I went to get dressed, then we sat across from each other at my little kitchen table, quietly eating in the grey morning light.
I loved this hour of the day, everything is always so still and solid. It's like the world is holding it's breath in anticipation of sun saying good morning. It feels a little strange to be sharing it with Duo again. To have someone else making sound in a world that's been silent for so long. I can't help but watch him instead of staring out the window like I usually do. Trying to memorize the way he moves; the way his limbs fold; the way his body shifts.
He seems inordinately pleased with himself as he scrapes the remainder of his meal out of his bowl, licks both sides of his spoon and drops it back on the table with a clatter. He looks at my plate expectantly and I contemplate finding those biscuits Relena brought out last night in order to save my share of the meal. I can just imagine the look of consternation that'd cross his face if I offered him one of those. It'd serve him right though, eying my breakfast like that, if he was going to cook me food he could at least have the decency to let me eat it.
He makes my chest ache with the strange little things he does. Right now, right at this very moment, his expression makes me want to lean across the table and kiss him. I can practically feel the contact between us; the urge is so strong it's like thunder through my veins. I can hear nothing but the roar of nonexistent wind; a beating, pounding swell of sound that breaks; snaps; the silence ends in ringing. I want him to always be here. I want to see each moment and store each smile. Touch every frown; hold every broken memory. But I'm not whole with or without him. When he's gone I can't find myself; whenever I see him I fall apart. He never touches me anymore and every almost contact pierces my soul.
Why is Duo gone? How is it, that when he is inches away, he can feel so very unreachable?
I finish my breakfast and Duo takes our plates to the sink. While he washes them I go and finish getting ready.
I steel myself for possible contact as I pick up my duffel and prepare to leave. The hug I'm expecting doesn't come though, only a wave and a 'See you when you get back.' I feel hollow and uneasy as I shuffle down the hall to the stairwell.
I don't know when Duo left, but his shadow left ice in his wake. It must've been a while ago during one of those times I wasn't watching.