"Okay, I guess," she said.
"Sam, c'mon it's me. Somethin's bothering you. Somethin' you weren't about to tell the lieutenant in there."
Sam swallowed hard, "I'm having a hard time with the amount of time this is going to take." She looked over at him, "Don't get me wrong, Jack, I know Donna is good at what she does, Janet wouldn't have recommended her if she wasn't the best. It's just..." she took a deep breath and let it out, "I got nowhere today Jack, no matter what she said. All we did was stretch..."
"Hey," he said taking her hand, "You weren't watching like I was. She was totally right. All the work and the pain with the stretches did get your range of motion up. That's progress, Sam..."
"But I didn't move anything on my own." Her voice was rising with frustration, "Not a toe, not a bend of the knee, nothing..." Her eyes were threatening to overflow with tears, "When am I gonna be able to move something, Jack? At this rate it's never gonna happen, and you'll be stuck being my nurse forever."
He tightened the grip on her hand, "And that would be a bad thing?"
She turned to him and smiled, placing her other hand over his, "No, it wouldn't be a bad thing at all." A single tear escaped down her cheek and Jack wiped it away with his free hand. "I'm sorry." She said, "I should be grateful that I've come this far...but I just want my life to go back to normal."
"Define normal." he said with a smile.
She smiled back, "Well, I'd like my life to go back to the kind of normal that comes with intergalactic travel and aliens."
"And it will, Sam," he said, "But you're gonna have to take it one day at a time. Look I know you'd like to be in control, so would I if I was in your shoes, but you can't control this. Your rehab isn't some piece of alien technology that you can take apart and study, and figure out how it works in like 3 days. This is a situation where you have to let go of being in control."
She looked down at their hands, "I know," she said, in a low whisper, "It's just so damned hard. I just want to get better as soon as I can."
"And you will," said Jack, "and I'm here to help you however I can, okay?"
"Okay," said Sam, wiping her eyes, "So, how bout we go home now?"
He nodded, "Your wish is my command, m'lady"
The next two weeks of rehab had been the hardest two weeks of Sam's life. Her gung ho attitude had quickly faded, just like Donna said it would. The stretching and moving were extremely painful, and Sam had yet to see how there was any improvement. By the end of the second week, she was getting frustrated. Her work with Donna had enabled her to put some weight on her right leg, but she was having trouble getting the leg to move forward the way she wanted it to. Towards the end of this last session, Sam had promised herself that come hell or high water she would get her right leg to go forward, no matter what Donna said.
"Ok, Sam," said Donna, "One more time, you're doin great!" said Donna. Sam was standing between two parallel bars. She had most of her weight on her left foot and some on her right, while her hands supported her on the bars on either side of her. Donna was right behind Sam, her hands on Sam's hips to help keep them straight. "Try not to swing those hips to get that leg to go, we need it to move forward with it's own muscles. Try it one more time and then we're done."
Sam was breathing hard and sweat was dripping down her face, "I don't wanna stop, I can do this. I know I can." She tried again to get her leg to move forward, but all it would do is move about an inch or so forward. Sam shook her head, "Why can't I get it to move?" she asked Donna, clearly frustrated, "I don't understand why it won't move."
Donna shook her head, "It's ok Sam. Look, let's call it a day."
"No," said Sam, tears in her eyes, "I can do this, Donna. Please don't make me stop."
"Sam, c'mon, I've already let you go an extra 10 minutes, we have to stop." Donna stood in front of Sam, "And I mean now."
Sam nodded her head, "Fine, we stop." Donna wheeled her chair over to where Sam stood. "Have a seat, I'll go get some water and we'll talk about what we're going to do next week." Sam nodded and watched Donna go out of the room to the commissary.
On her way out, Donna ran into Jack. "Hi sir."
"Jack, remember Lt. It's Jack." He regarded her closely, "Somethin' wrong?"
Donna ran her hand through her hair, "You know, rehab is always hard, no matter who has to go through it. But I swear airman and soldiers are the worst ones to try to reason with."
"What do you mean?" he asked, "Everything going all right in there?
"Can I be frank here, Jack" asked Lt. Simms.
"Absolutely," said Jack, leaning against the wall.
"Colonel Carter...Sam, is a perfect example of why rehab is so much harder for airman and soldiers. The resolve we're drilled with. That ability we have to work through the pain and that determination that makes us such great soldiers also makes us the worst kinds of patients." Jack nodded, "Sam is determined to get her leg moving at HER own pace, not at her nerve and muscles' own pace. I keep hitting this wall when it comes to her listening to ME and not to what she believes is the way to go. I swear she thinks I have no clue what I'm doing even though it's my job."
Jack put a reassuring hand on the Lieutenant's shoulder, "Donna, it's not you. That's the way Sam is. One of her best and worst qualities is her ability to get into something, find the problem, and then come up with a way to fix it."
"How is that a bad quality, especially for your line of work?" she asked also leaning against the wall.
"Sam's smart. Ok, more like smart on uppers. She can outthink anyone and everyone I know. And she can get into a problem and usually figure out a solution. She totally gets engrossed in it until she figures out the solution, whether it's a piece of alien technology or a bug in one of the M.A.L.P.s. Problem is, that's all she thinks about. How do I get this to work, how do I fix it? She's just not used to not figuring things out. She's not great with failing at a challenge or a goal she's set for herself. She's used to doing things to solve a problem in a short amount of time. I mean we never really have months to figure out a solution for the kind of problems we deal with. So here not only can't she fix the 'problem' but she can't just do things her way. The timeframe for her mind is all wrong. She really expects that all things being equal, she should be way further ahead than she is. Believe me, if she thought that doing your exercises and stretches all damned day would make everything speed up she'd never let up. Let's just say she's extremely independent. I think it's a 'woman in the air force thing'." Lt. Simms raised her eyebrows, "You know, always proving yourself so you're one of the boys?" She looked at him questioningly, "Oh, I don't know that from personal experience, Sam told me." He looked down at his feet, embarrassed, "So, what can I do to help the situation?'
Donna looked at him, "I'm afraid there isn't much, that is until she crashes and burns. And judging from today's session, I think that will be sooner rather than later.." as she was finishing her sentence they heard a crash, followed by lots of cursing, "I think later might be right now, let's go." She and Jack rushed down the hall into the rehab room.
She wiped her face with a towel, and looked at the bars stretched out in front of her, "I can do this." She said, a determined look on her face, "No matter what Donna says, and I'm sure as hell not going to stop. Wait til she gets back. I'll show her I can do this." Sam pulled herself up to a standing position and tried to focus all of her energy into moving her foot. She started to move her foot, but only about an inch or so, no more than she had done all day, but then she made her first mistake, she put all of her weight down on that foot. Her leg couldn't handle all of the weight and she fell sideways, hitting her head on the bar as she went down.
"Dammit!" said Sam, grabbing the spot where she hit her head. "Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!" She tried to get up but she was so tired. She rolled over onto her back and covered her face with her hands. The tears started out small, but suddenly turned to sobs. Her hands went to fists and she started banging on the mats. She never even heard Jack come in the room.
"Sam? Sam? My god are you alright?" Jack stilled her hands and tried to calm her down. "Did you get hurt?" He looked around, "Where's Donna?"
Sam pulled her hands away from him and pulled herself up into a sitting position. She winced at the pain the movement caused, and that made her angry all over again. "I can't do it!" She yelled at him, "I can't do it, Jack! Why can't I do it? I should be able to do it!"
Jack sat down next to her and gave her a minute to catch her breath before calmly answering her question with one of his own, "Can't do what Sam? What can't you do?"
"I can't make this damned leg move," she said smacking her right thigh, "No matter what the hell I do, I can't make it move." Her eyes were stinging with tears once again. "I have done everything I can think of, but I still can't make it move. Why won't it work," she said, her voice breaking, "All logic says that it should work. That if everything was reconnected that it should work."
Jack could see she was struggling and his heart ached for her. But how did he make her see that this time, she would have to rely on faith; faith in herself, and in her determination and even in her stubbornness. He didn't know what to do. "Sam," he said, kneeling in front of her, "You gotta stop doing this to yourself. You could have really hurt something today. You could have taken a huge step backwards in your recovery."
She glared at him, her voice full of the anger and frustration she was feeling, "Backwards? Really? Well, considering I can't even go an inch FORWARD that wouldn't have really been a huge price to pay would it? I know if I just had more time I could do this. I just have to figure out..."
"Ok, Colonel. You want to do this, get up and do it." He said standing up and holding out his hands, "C'mon." he said roughly, "I give up here. If you're so bound and determined to undermine yourself then let's just go all the way, shall we. You want that one more time? Let's go." Sam looked at him, taken aback by his tone, "Get up, Sam!" said Jack, his voice getting louder and louder. "You really think you can think your way around this? Then get up off your butt and do it."
She looked at him, considering his challenge, and then shook her head, "I can't," she said in a low voice.
"What did you say Colonel?" he asked, his tone even and without emotion.
She looked him in the eyes, trying to keep what little composure she had left, "I can't. My body's not ready for it yet." The tears started to fall freely now. She couldn't get away from the reality of what was right in front of her, "I'm not ready for it yet."
Jack knelt in front of her, and sighed, "Look at me Sam." She hung her head down and he tilted her head up towards him so she had to look at him, "Seems we had a similar experience like this our first night home didn't we?"
She looked at him, "I'm not looking to do this all by myself." She said angrily. "This is different."
"How? How is this different. That first night you would have rather suffered in great pain than ask for help. How is this different?" He reached out and held her hand.
Sam thought about it for a minute and took a shaky breath, "It isn't any different." She looked up at him again, "I'm sorry I tried to push myself. I don't know what I was thinking? I just want this to be over." Her last sentence came out in a whisper and it made his heart ache.
He leaned over and took her in his arms. She wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her face in his chest while she cried. He stroked her hair, "It's gonna be ok, Sam, I'm right here, just like I promised I would be. I will always be here." She nodded into his shirt.
After a few minutes she pulled away, wiping her face with her hands, "Can we go home now?" she asked.
Jack smiled, "You betcha. That is if you'd like to get your butt off the mat and into the wheelchair." She smiled, "I mean while the mat is all squishy and all, the chair goes back to your house."
"Well then," said Sam, holding out her hands, "Request permission to have you help me get my butt off the mat and into the chair Sir."
Jack helped her up and into the chair. He handed her the towel as Lt. Simms came in the door.
She handed Sam the water bottle. "Sorry it took so long. I got held up by an old friend." She looked at Sam and Jack, "Everything alright?"
Sam looked at Jack, "It is now. See ya in two?"
Donna nodded, "See ya in two."
As Jack wheeled Sam out he cast a glance back at Lt. Simms. She gave him the thumbs up and he nodded just before disappearing down the hall.