Captive Mind Release The Blame…
A/N: Spoilers are reference only, character death, references to that scene.
Grief is hard, recovery is hard. Lots of angst and lots of fluff.
Song is: Barely Hanging On - Kris Orlowski & Sarah Siskind.
TW: Sleep paralysis (detailed), flashbacks, panic attacks (detailed), self harm (mild - no blades or blood).
As always, this is written from experience. Whilst one method works for one person it may not work for someone else.
Part Two: Without Me Times Moving on, Feels Like I'm Barely Hanging on…
Her breathing quickened and her limbs felt frozen. She couldn't move and the more she tried the more she was sure she were paralysed. Then something caught her eye, something in the corner of the room. It was their old room, in their old apartment but that couldn't be right. She hadn't slept there in over a year. She heard Agnes crying, a small baby's cry, a trembling bleating cry that told her something was wrong. Yet she still couldn't move, the thing in the corner was inching closer and she was beginning to feel the sharp edges of panic crawling up her spine, her breaths came in short sharp gasps. She remembered her cell phone on the nightstand, if she could just move one arm, she inched her fingers out, pulling the sheet to move her arm. She thought she hit the edge of the bed when her mind began to loop, folding in on itself, her vision glitching and her arm was back at her side. Her breath hitched, her heart hammering in her chest and she heard Agnes's wails from the other room. She squeezed her eyes shut as the thing from the corner moved across the bed, she tried to scream to shout out but she couldn't find her voice, it seemed lost in her throat, she tried just a squeak but even that seemed to be too much effort. It loomed over her and in that moment she saw it, the decay, the blueish tinge of death as it crawled closer… Tom.
The scream formulated in her throat, escaping through her lips and he was at her side in moment, gently waking her. He gripped her arms, shaking her slightly. Elizabeth… She heard her name but it seemed small and far away, it was hard to surface but then she gasped for air and heard the hoarse screams coming from her own mouth.
'Shhhh…' He whispered, hugging her to him. He had a robe pulled around him as she clung to him. 'It's okay… You're okay…' He soothed, he could feel her heart beating wildly as she gasped for breath, there was a thin sheen of sweat across her brow and her hair was damp. She dropped back onto the pillow, her eyes wide as she struggled to gain control of her breathing, clinging to his hand. Reddington perched on the edge of the bed, one hand in hers the other brushing the stray hair away from her face. He looked down on her wide eyed expression with concern.
'The same dream?' He asked, wiping away a tear that had escaped. She swallowed and blinked slowly, nodding slightly. 'It's okay now, I'll stay until you fall asleep' He tried to move towards the chair but she gripped his hand and refused to let go.
'I'm not going anywhere…' He tried to reassure her but she scooted over in the bed and pulled his arm. He got the idea and turned to lay next to her. It was a squeeze but they just about fit in the narrow hospital bed.
She moved to the edge, allowing him room to settle before curling up into his side, she nestled her head against his shoulder and he moved his arm to envelop her. She moved up slightly, settling against him. Her head tucked between his chest and his chin. She found his other hand and pulled it closer so that both arms were wrapped around her. She settled, a sob escaping her lips. She took a shuddering breath and let the tears fall freely, he reached into his pocket and took out his handkerchief and gave it to her, she gripped it tightly. 'Shhh… It's alright now.' He murmured in the darkness, he kissed the top of her head, holding her tightly until the shuddering calmed. She took a shaky breath and then sighed it out, nestling into him.
It had been six months. six long months but she had gotten used to this routine of theirs. They would have breakfast together, then she would be dressed and they would go out into the grounds. Sometimes he would take a book or the newspaper and he would read to her by the lake. She still hadn't spoken, she wouldn't engage other than using head or hand signals to signify her displeasure despite Reddington's best efforts. Her mood had been dark which he could see, her reluctance to speak seemed to only signify that so he hadn't pushed it. He was always there by her side which she had gotten used to. No one from the task force had been to see her and she had only glimpsed Dembe once. Not that she had wanted to see anyone. She went over what happened in their apartment to an obsessive detail, sometimes she would dream of Tom being killed, of being assaulted in their home and then she wasn't sure whether the details were real or whether they were a dream. She continued to see flashes, she would hear Tom's voice, the man who killed him, his voice. She would smell the blood, smell their aftershave, and that damn song played on repeat in her brain and other tiny details she couldn't seem to escape.
Sometimes they sat and watched Agnes play but he seemed to notice that this darkened her mood so they didn't linger too long. Before lunch she would have a PT session, Reddington had paid for a private PT to come to the house. It was entirely bed based as they moved her limbs to increase her range of motion then they got her to try standing which she got easily frustrated with as she couldn't seem to get her balance. She had a small rubber ball she had to squeeze to improve her grip, Reddington said it would help with her anger too but it didn't. It was slow, unbearably slow at times which irritated and frustrated her. It usually wore her out so much, she picked at her lunch. She was at least able to haphazardly feed herself as long as it required a spoon or a fork, she still couldn't hold a knife for long or use it.
She had grown angry at Reddington for a time, at the fact he hadn't stopped Tom's death, a million little reasons she blamed him for. It was easier to blame him, or hate herself. There was no one else there to rage at. Raging at herself was easy, punishing herself was easy. She wanted to yell at him, scream at him, hit him and often she tried but her voice wouldn't come and she had no strength to hit him. It just became a vicious cycle of her loathing herself as much as she was angry at him. She had pushed him away frequently when he was trying to help her or comfort her and he had grown tentative with his touches.
Early on her brain liked to trick her into thinking she could do things as she done before the coma. Partly she thought it was what fuelled her frustration. It was easy to sit there and think she could just swing her legs over the edge of the bed, stand and go and use the bathroom like she had done before. She didn't want to call the nurse yet again and God forbid Reddington came in. She couldn't stand to look at him at the moment, just his presence irritated her, his soft touches, his cajoling gentle voice she just couldn't take it. She wanted to push him to get angry, she wanted to push his buttons but without her voice she couldn't do this.
One day, in the midst of this cycle of self loathing and rage against Reddington, her brain told her she could get out of bed. She could use her legs, she could make it to the bathroom and not use the damn commode. It was maybe twenty paces, she could do it. She didn't need the damn walker either. She used her hands to help swing one leg over the edge of the bed and then helped the other until both legs were dangling. She slipped off the edge, resting back against it so she didn't have to balance just yet. Her feet hit the cool wood floor, her ankles didn't crumple, that was progress she told herself. She took a breath, determination fixed on her features. She used her arms to push herself off the bed, one hand clinging to the guardrail. She was stood, mostly balancing on her own two feet. She tentatively let go of the rail and stood still waiting to see what would happen. When nothing did, she allowed herself a small smile, just for her. Right, now she had to get to the bathroom. She eyed it from her place next to the bed. Twenty paces. She could do this, she glanced at the walker which was too far to reach anyway. She held the guardrail, taking a small step which was really a kind of shuffle. Her legs apart, she was still balancing but she needed to let go of the guardrail if she were to get any further. She switched hands and grabbed hold of the portable OBs cart, at least it was movable.
It happened when she went to move the foot that was behind her, it caught on one of the wheels on the OBs cart causing her to crumple to the floor. Fuck. Anger licked up her spine, sending goose bumps across her scalp and for a moment she almost blacked out. Her vision blurred and she let out a scream of rage. Reddington burst through the door without knocking, his eyes went to the bed and then to the floor where she was sprawled.
'Elizabeth…' Panic filled his voice as he crouched down beside her, her face red with rage. He helped her sit back up, her hands against the floor as she sat, her legs out at different angles. She shrugged off his hand, almost growling at him.
'Let's get you up and back to bed…' He suggested calmly, seeing the rage on her face, her stormy eyes dark. He reached out towards her but she screamed, hitting her own head with balled up fists as angry tears poured out of her.
'Hey… Lizzy… No…' He reached out again trying to stop her but that seemed to make her more angry, 'Talk to me, please… Just talk to me?' He asked almost pleading with her but she didn't want him there which she was making very clear with her hoarse screams, he thought for a moment she would speak, she would swear at him, anything at this point would be preferable. His brows were knitted together in a look of concern but she refused to meet his eye, her hands in her hair tugging wildly that he thought she would rip it from the roots. He took a step back towards the door, not saying anything as he closed it behind him.
The loss of him made her cry harder, made her feel more shitty than she thought she could at that point. He left a bigger hole than Tom had in that moment and she hated herself for it, she hated herself for screaming at him, for making him hate her. Wasn't that why he had left?
She had dragged her broken body across the floor to a corner where she curled up on her side. She let out angry wailing sobs that turned to anguish. Her chest ached with the force of it, her face beginning to puff up, snot bunging up her nose. He listened to her from the other side of the door, struggling with his own emotions but he didn't make any move to reenter. She grew cold, shivering against the hard floor, alone until he heard her sobs subside and her breathing slowed to soft hiccups. She didn't hear him enter when he came back and jumped when he reached out a hesitant hand to touch her shoulder. She was grateful then for his gentle touch, looking up at him the tears renewing. He handed her his handkerchief and she blew her nose noisily. She took in a shuddering breath as he put her arms around his neck, his hands underneath her arms. She clung to him as he pulled her up, his arms went around her and she relaxed into him, her head against his chest. They stood for a moment, embraced with his arms wrapped around her smile frame. She let out little sobs against his chest before he put her back into bed. He smoothed back her messy hair and wiped her tears with a tissue from the nightstand. He moved back with the intention of sitting beside her but she pulled him and scooted over, tears still running down her face. He sat back against the raised head of the bed and she settled against him, his arms wrapped around her. That was the first time she had asked him to stay with her and he held her as she cried against him.
After lunch she was allowed to nap and this was probably her most treasured time. She got to be alone, she wasn't monitored and she would go into a deep dreamless sleep unlike at night when she was the most restless and plagued with dark thoughts. At night she would often wake up soaked in sweat either having had sleep paralysis or nightmares. At some point she had been aware that he had moved downstairs to sleep and when she screamed out during the night, he would always be there at her side when she woke. At first he would soothe her and stay by her side but as they had grown closer and she had begun to rely on him more, she would pull him onto the bed and curl up beside him. This seemed to soothe her the most, she felt safe in his arms and slept, really slept with him beside her.
'Elizabeth…' He called poking his head around the door, she was awake but cozy under her blanket and didn't want to move. The afternoons had begun to turn colder as the season changed. She groaned pulling the cover over her head,
'Hey, I know you're awake in there…' He called, pulling gently on the blanket. Her mouth twitched and for a moment she almost returned his smile.
'Do you think you can try to stand?' He asked looking down on her. She frowned in response, 'Come now, Alison says you are to practice balancing and I won't let you fall…' He took her hand, helping her to sit as she tentatively moved one leg and then the other over the side of the bed towards him. Her limbs still felt like dead weights but at least now she could move a little more freely.
'Okay, now feet on the floor…' He encouraged which earned him a grimace. 'Oh come on, I've seen you do it…' She wanted to tell him it was too hard, that she'd had enough today, that she was too tired and that her balance was gone and she would just end up falling. She said none of this though and with him holding both her arms, she gingerly made it to standing. Her legs began to shake, screaming at her from the morning's PT session. She breathed heavily, wobbling like Bambi.
'Can you take a step toward me?' He asked, smiling with encouragement. She frowned up at him, gripping his forearms and shaking her head. 'Try…Please?'
Cautiously, she tried to lift one of her legs to take a step but it felt too heavy so she tried to move it by sliding it towards him. It ended up being a combination of the two but when she placed her foot back down attempting to move the other foot, her knee gave way and she stumbled forward. His arm swept around her waist, pulling her against him and holding her firmly. A flash of anger licked up her spine and angry tears prickled at the corners of her eyes.
'It's alright…' He told her, feeling her tense in his arms. 'You did take one step. I can tell you've been practicing with your walker.' He lowered her down into the wheelchair as she scowled at him.
'None of that, lets go and see what's for dinner.' He chastised her gently, wheeling her out the door and into the hallway.
'Risotto! How wonderful. I am absolutely famished…' He proclaimed as he pushed her up to the table. She had to admit it did smell good. He took the lid off her plate and then sat down at the head of the table. She picked up her spoon and dipped it into the rice and what looked like asparagus.
'Perfect…' He exclaimed taking a bite himself. He looked up at her taking a small bite and smiled. 'Listen, there's something I wanted to talk to you about…' She met his gaze frowning.
'It's nothing serious but I have to go away for a few days…' He reached out to take her hand as he saw her face darken, she put down her spoon. 'The task force requires that I go to Latvia, only for a couple of days, 72hrs at most…' He continued gently. The thought of him leaving her for that long was incomprehensible, panic began to fill her chest and she reached out with her other hand to implore him, shaking her head fervently.
'I'm sorry but I cannot get out of it, I tried but it's a delicate situation which requires my presence…' He tried to explain as her breathing began to quicken, she put a trembling hand on her chest, still shaking her head, frowning.
'Hey… Try to calm your breathing?' He asked, a worried frown creasing his brow. Her chest felt so tight, she was gasping, taking small panting breaths that weren't enough. The panic was evident, he moved to crouch beside her, turning the wheelchair to face him. 'Elizabeth, try to focus on my voice…' She grabbed his forearms as they rested on her legs, his hands on her arms. 'Listen to me, breathe with me…' He began to take deep slow breaths emphasising each one,
'Breathe with me…I'm right here, okay? Just breathe with me' Panic tinged his own voice. At first she couldn't get the rhythm, she took small panting breaths but as she focused on the pleading in his eyes and the deep breaths he was taking, she started to regain control. 'That's it, deep breaths…' He said encouragingly, his eyes locked with hers.
'No…' Her voice was small as she spoke, hoarse from lack of use and it sounded strange to her after being silent for so long. At first she thought he hadn't heard her but his eyes became glassy, his mouth open in astonishment, he frowned for a moment before getting up to kiss her on the forehead. He stroked her hair and moved her back to her place before sitting down. His reluctance to answer told her he would be going, she felt her heart sink, knots in her stomach and her appetite was gone.
There was a light under the door, it was warm and glowing in the dark light of their bedroom. Their bedroom, it was as she remembered it. Her phone began vibrating on the nightstand and it was then she realised that she couldn't move, the vibrating was persistent and she tried to move her head first. There was shouting in living room, men shouting in an argument but she couldn't make out what they were saying. She heard Agnes then, a tiny baby's wail having been woken. She wanted to go to her, comfort her, take her in her arms but she still couldn't move. Fear crept up her spine, someone was in the room. There was a shadow by the window and she could feel its eyes on her. Her breathing hitched coming in fast little pants. Gun shots rang out from the other room and she heard Tom cry out. A pained haunting cry that sent shivers up her spine. She tried to move her hand, gripping the sheet to try to assist her. When she thought she hit the edge of the bed her mind began to loop, folding in on itself, her vision glitching and her arm was back at her side. The shadow was closer now looming over her, it seemed to hover just out of her line of sight then it was above her, hovering over her. She could see its face. Tom. His eyes were hollow black caverns, she could smell the decay as he hovered there close enough to touch. She stared into the inky blackness of his eyes. Suddenly the body seemed to fall, the fall endless until it hit her, making her jump, knocking the air out of her lungs and she found her voice to scream. Her voice sounded far away, hoarse and broken, she couldn't seem to make it louder.
'Elizabeth…' He called, shaking her gently but she was in deep and the body on top of her didn't want her to surface. It weighed her down and she felt like she was sinking into the mattress, that the sheets would take hold of her and drag her down further. It weighed heavy on her chest as she tried to make her arms work to push it aside.
'Elizabeth…' He was more persistent, shaking her and reached out to switch on the dim bedside lamp. 'Its just a dream, time to come back sweetheart…' He told her reassuringly. 'Come back to me…' He stroked her hair back from her face, a scream on her lips as her eyes flew open.
At first she didn't recognise him, her arms flying up to protect herself. He caught them easily, 'Hey, hey, it's me…' He told her as the recognition hit her eyes. The tears came then as she moved over to allow him to lay beside her. He enveloped her in his arms, pulling her closer, he kissed her hair and and rubbed her back with the arm that circled her. She pulled the other closer,
'Don't go…' She gasped softly, her voice shaky, rough with lack of use for so many months but she knew he would because he didn't say anything except to tightened his arms around her.