How My Thoughts, They Let Me Down…
A/N: This took on a life of its own and I had an idea for where I wanted the first lake scene to go but Lizzy had other ideas, she deserves a break! :')
Also disclaimer, I don't know if burner phones have voicemail!
Spoilers are reference only for 5x08, mentions of Tom's death.
TW: Panic attacks, flashbacks, sleep paralysis.
Song is: And Then You - Greg Laswell.
Part Three: And Then There's You…
No more. She wanted to scream it as she clung to her walker. They were in the large dining room at least thirty paces from any chair and Alison was pushing her. Physical therapy was beginning to drive her to the edge. Alison her PT, a middle aged woman in her fifties was pleasant enough. Experienced enough not to push too hard but also knew when it was necessary and today she deemed it necessary. Elizabeth was beginning to sweat, her fingers turning white as she gripped the walker. Her arms ached with the effort. Alison was telling her to move, to take a step but it seemed like she was rooted to the spot by the fire place. Her legs were lead and it seemed impossible to even contemplate lifting one of them to take a step. Alison moved the walker out slightly, she was hovering nearby in case Elizabeth fell but today wasn't the day to push Elizabeth Keen.
The mission had taken longer than he had expected. Reddington been gone a week and Elizabeth had slipped further into depression. She barely slept, even her treasured naps had become few and far between. There had been no word, no phone call and not even Aram had called with any updates, of course she hadn't called him either. She hadn't spoken since the night before he'd left, the nursing team came and went, she went through the motions but she ate in bed or in her room, she fussed with the food, pushing it around her plate, taking small bites and then leaving the rest. She couldn't focus, her body tired and her mind seemed to be raging a war against her. When she did sleep, her dreams haunted her the following day, the feelings lingered. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw Tom wounded in their apartment, she wanted it to stop but without Red's presence it seemed impossible.
'Elizabeth?' Alison said bringing her back to the task at hand. She shook her head her jaw set firmly, she refused to look at the woman next to her. 'You can do this Elizabeth…' She said encouragingly, in truth they'd only just started but the dining room seemed to stretch and yawn out before her. She could no longer see the kitchen doors, it was just endless. Her breath began to quicken and the more she tightened her grip on the walker the more she thought her grip was going to fail.
'Elizabeth?' Alison took a step towards her, she dipped into her eye line but Elizabeth's eyes were fixed on one spot and she didn't seem to register Alison's presence any longer. She began to pant, her chest tightening as the dining room began to shrink and change, their old apartment clearing around her. The walker was gone, her pyjamas were gone and she was dressed how she had been that day in a black pant suit and a white blouse, her badge fixed to her belt and her gun holstered, she could feel its weight behind her. She was alone but standing in a large puddle of blood, it was seeping into her boots, soaking her socks, she could feel the sticky wetness between her toes.
Her head began to pulse like she'd been struck again, her mind fuzzy. She closed her eyes trying to clear her vision. Her knees buckled first, hitting the hard wood floor of the dining room with a crack, she seemed to balance on her knees for a moment before she went down, the walker skittering away. She hit her forehead on the ground, her arms seemingly forgetting their job of preventing her fall. She blinked, blood trickling down the side of her face. She gasped as she hit the puddle, her arms slipping to sides as she tried push herself away from it. Elizabeth. Her name echoed around her but she didn't recognise the voice. There was something heavy against her chest, she couldn't breathe and she felt as if her ribs might crack under the pressure. Tears mingled with the blood on her face. Elizabeth. Was it him? She wondered absently, she wanted it to be him, she wanted to see him one last time if this was the end. She felt hands on her and winced as they checked her head. She wanted to ask where he was but her words were lost. She tried to focus, she tried to look around but her head hurt so much, it pulsed with every short sharp inhale she tried to take. The weight against her chest seemed unbearable and she was convinced her chest would cave in at any moment. Elizabeth. Her vision began to blur, the edges of their apartment fuzzy dimming as it faded to black.
She woke later in her bed, her head throbbing. She gingerly reached up and felt the piece of gauze attached to her forehead then the back of her head, it had felt so real. Like her skull had been cracked open again. The scar hurt beneath her fingers but there was no blood.
'You gave me quite a scare…' Alison informed her from the side chair, she got up and peered over Elizabeth. 'We tried to call Mr Reddington but it went straight to voicemail…' The older woman told her. Elizabeth closed her eyes, fear pitting her stomach. 'I think we've had enough for today, you should try and get some rest. I'll see you tomorrow.'
Elizabeth blinked, the woman always got straight to the point. She was half glad they hadn't been able to reach Reddington. He would only worry but now she was worried. She missed him, like half of her was missing. She felt thin, transparent even like she was barely even there. Had she died and this was some kind of hellscape? Her thoughts often went around like this. She pulled at the neck of her pyjama top, she suddenly felt stifled and wanted to be outside. She hadn't been outside since Reddington had left. She pulled her legs from beneath the blanket and swung them over the edge of the bed, the wheelchair was close by but she would need someone to push her outside. She reached for the call button that would bring a nurse then put her feet on the wood floor and held the guardrail for support. She slid herself along the bed toward the wheelchair, grabbing the arm, she stood bent over holding both the arms before awkwardly turning around and sitting down. She fumbled with the break but she managed to release it and grab one wheel turning to face the door.
'Hey there…' The male nurse, Ben came through the door, seeing her straight away in the wheelchair, 'You're up?' He said in surprise, she pointed out the window. 'You want to go outside?' She nodded up at him, 'You sure that's a good idea, you just had a panic attack and blacked out…' He asked frowning shaking his head, his sandy blonde hair flopping into his eyes. She pointed outside again, signalling her urgency by waving her arm up and down.
'Okay, but its cold today we need to get you dressed…' She shook her head emphatically, he was wasting her time, she wanted to go now not in half an hour when everyone and their brother had been in to get her dressed.
He grabbed her fluffy robe from behind the door, 'Put this on and I'll see about wheeling you outside, just for ten minutes or so, it's supposed to snow later…' She reached up, holding onto him while he helped her to stand, she balanced, one arm gripping his while he helped to guide her other arm into the robe. She shrugged it on and then switched sides, he pulled it closed tying the belt in a loose knot. She reached back, holding onto the arms of the wheelchair to help her sit again. Ben grabbed a pair of socks and her boots. 'You know you're going to get me in trouble for doing this' He confided, She glanced up at him, shaking her head. He took a blanket from the back of the chair and draped it over her legs.
When they reached the door, he reached up to grab her a hat off the hooks by the door where all the coats lived, shrugging on his own coat. The cold air hit her face, the biting wind felt like tiny shards of glass and she suddenly felt like she could breathe again. Ben wheeled her down the ramp, she could see the warm lights of the house as he turned the corner. There was no Agnes today, no soothing tones of Red's voice behind her. Ben parked her next to the dock on the lake where the bench was that Reddington usually sat on to read to her. She didn't know what time it was but it felt like mid afternoon, the sky was a white grey full of the promise of snow. She could see a thin sheen of ice in patches across the surface of the water.
Ben went to sit beside her but she made a shooing motion with her arm. She wanted to be alone. 'I don't think I should leave you here, Elizabeth…' He told her suddenly serious, a frown consuming his face. She pushed him gently, asking him in her way to leave. Her eyes trying to convey that she would be alright. Even though she couldn't be sure. He frowned down at her, 'Don't go anywhere.' He warned her, 'We'll both be in a lot of trouble if you do…' He looked out towards the water then back at her. 'Ten minutes. That's all.' He told her sternly. A lot could happen in ten minutes and they both knew it. He checked the breaks and walked off towards the trees that surrounded the lake.
When he was out of sight, she fumbled with the breaks but managed to release them. She used the bench to help swing the chair around so that she was now facing the end of it. She put her boots on the crisp ground and attempted to stand, using the bench arm as leverage. Once she was standing she pushed the chair back slightly with her foot. The ground was rough and uneven so it didn't go very far. She put the blanket on the seat of the wheelchair and untied her robe, shrugging it off and placing it with the blanket. The wind cut through her flannel pyjamas, biting into her skin sending goosebumps across her pale flesh. She wanted to feel every second of it, she didn't care about the coldness, she just wanted to embrace the realness of it. She wanted to hear the birds and smell the snow coming, the frozen dampness of the woods. She wanted to shut out everything else, all the madness of her brain, the madness of her life.
She moved her foot slightly to kick the front wheel of the chair so it swung around, the handles facing her more. She grabbed hold of them aware that with it now empty it was liable to tip more easily. She tried not to press on it too much and use her stomach muscles to keep her upright. It was hard to keep her stomach tight and concentrate on lifting one foot and then the other. Her boots made her legs feel heavier. Luckily it wasn't far to the dock and she paused by the rough wooden railing. She stood for a moment, tired from the effort but she could see the geese and other birds more clearly. She left the wheelchair, clinging to the railing as she skirted the edge of the lake up to the dock. She hadn't done stairs yet and there were two up to the dock. For a moment her mind doubted that she could do it, it told her to stay there but she wanted the chair out of sight, she wanted to feel normal. Whatever normal was.
Her eyes began to sting in the wind, the bite chasing goosebumps up her spine. She got to the first step and attempted to raise her foot but she couldn't seem to lift it high enough, she kept missing the top which frustrated her. She let out a small growl of annoyance. There was a rail that ran the length of the dock from the stairs. She turned awkwardly and sat on the top step, lifting one leg with the help of her hands and then the other onto the first step. Sitting for a moment, she took a breath. She blew it out and watched the fog dissipate. She watched the house for signs of movement but apart from the warm glowing lights, everything was still. It was quiet except for the birds and she heard a crow cawing in the distance, the birds on the water chattering and calling to each other. She rested her head against the railing post, blowing out clouds of breath. It was the most peace she'd felt since Red had left, she closed her eyes, just listening to the sounds around her.
'Elizabeth!' She heard Ben's panicked voice, her eyes flying open. He must not have been able to see her, only seeing the empty chair beside the railing. She poked her head around to see a look of abject panic on his face, she waved at him, a sheepish look on her own face. 'Oh my God!' He stormed over, looking her up and down. 'Do you know what Mr Reddington would have done to me if something had happened to you? I thought you were in the lake! Sweet Jesus!' He ranted his hand on his chest, she gave him the smallest apologetic smile.
'Come on, if you get pneumonia we might as well both jump in the damn lake…' He reached out to help lift her to standing, she took a step on her own supported by his arm and the railing and then another to the wheelchair.
The night was clear, the moon full. She could see a million stars overhead, the ground was covered in the first snow of the year. Crisp whiteness in the light of the moon. It was so cold, she could see her breath, her teeth chattered. She couldn't remember how she got outside but she was stood at the lakeside, at the edge of the dock. Snow covered her boots up to her ankles. She wiggled her cold toes in her boots trying to warm them. All she had on were her flannel pyjamas, goosebumps covered her pale skin and she shivered. She couldn't seem to move from the spot she was in. There was no wheelchair, no nurse, no Reddington. She was alone. It began to snow, thick fat flakes coming down fast, sticking to her hair and pyjamas. Something moved under the ice, it caught her eye as she was staring out into the inky blackness. She looked back at the house, there was one light on shining like a beacon in the darkness. She could move her body just not her feet she assessed, they seemed to stuck in the snow. She was so cold, her fingers numb, she tucked them into her armpits crossing over her arms. Something moved under the ice again, it was closer now but she could make it out in the darkness. She wanted to go back, wanted to go back to the warmth of her bed. She tried pulling her boot, maybe she could take off her boot if it was that stuck. She bent down, fumbling with her frozen laces in the rising snow drift. Her fingers wouldn't work, stiff with coldness. She froze in terror her heart pounding, eyes on the ice as a dark shadow moved under the ice next to the dock.
She heard the cracking before she saw it, a deep rift opening up. She struggled hurriedly to untie her boot, her fingers clumsy. She heard the splash before she saw it come for her. It gripped her wrist in icy blue swollen fingers, its eyes dark and vacant, in that moment she didn't recognise its face. She gasped as the frigid water hit her body, like a thousand tiny needles piercing her skin. She struggled against it's grip around her wrist as it pulled her under, her mouth filling with water as she tried to scream. Terror filled her being, she kicked out, trying to strike whatever it was. Her hair splayed out around her, the moon light hitting the water gave her an ethereal glow. She saw him then, saw what had her in its grip. She tried to gasp her mouth filling with water. Panic made her kick harder, her brain refusing to allow her to believe her eyes, she broke through the surface, gasping and spluttering for air. She felt a tug on her ankle and her arms flailed trying to keep her above the water but it was no good, he pulled her down, his fingers clawing at her hips, digging into her waist to hold her down beside him. She looked into his face, that kind gentle face she knew so well that was now decaying before her. Red. Her own crumpled, she screamed into the void, her voice lost in the blackness. He held her firm as they sank and part of her resigned to it, if he was gone then there was nothing left. Maybe she should let him take her then she remembered. Agnes. She shook her head, prying his fingers from her waist as she tried to kicked him off, she struggled free kicking her legs as hard as she could, she was so tired and the water felt thick like it was beginning to freeze over. Panic surged up inside her, she was sure they hadn't sunk that far. She could see the surface, the moonlight filtering through but it was so far away. She felt his fingers slide around her ankle her screams lost in the vacuum of the water. Elizabeth. His voice was far away, lost to the void. She screamed again unsure of how much breath she had left. Elizabeth. Terror ran up her spine as she struggled against his grip.
'Elizabeth… Come back to me… I'm here…' He whispered stroking her face, she struggled against the blankets, struggled against his efforts to bring her back. He lent over, his weight impeding her struggles. He stroked her face, kissing her temple. 'Come back Lizzy. I'm here…' He drew back as her eyes snapped open. For a moment she was still, her eyes not believing what they were seeing. 'Hi…' He whispered softly, her face fell tears springing to her eyes. She reached out her arms and he pulled her tightly into him, her arms wrapping around his neck. She let out a sob, nestling into his shoulder. He breathed her in, stroking her hair.
'I'm sorry I was gone so long…' He apologised gently. She pulled back to look at him, her eyes red and her face wet. She took in the faint bruise under his eye and the gash on his cheek bone as he assessed the wound on her forehead. She reached out a tentative hand and stroked his cheek. He still had on his hat and coat, wet with snow. She lay down, moving over her intent clear. He took off his hat and coat and kicked off his shoes settling beside her. She moved easily into his arms as they folded around her. He kissed the top of her head, breathing her in again.
Home, this was home, she was home he thought.
'Where were you Red?' She asked softly against him, her voice raw. He closed his eyes tightly, his hand against her cheek, his fingers in her hair brushing it back away from her face.
'I needed you…' She whispered into the darkness.