Note: Apart from preludes and interludes, chapters go chronologically through Lailah's life on her path to becoming Sevothtarte. The content warnings do not apply to this chapter.

Prelude (Eternity)

She exists in this moment and only in this moment.

Since her conception, she has lived only to arrive here. In this room. Running. On this floor. The laboratory, the courtroom, the mansion - these were never separate places at all but the same space at a cosmic locus.

Every time she ever sang her voice was preparing to scream.

Every time she shied away from showing her face it wasn't to hide the scar but the brand.

In His thousand eyes were the eyes of everyone who would ever hurt her.

Lailah, Lord Sevothtarte, Sevy …. Every name to which she has ever answered has been just a word to hide what she actually is, a weak, used woman who can't escape her destiny. Beneath the stained glass image of a martyr, as her mind finally breaks, she understands. This is the Creator's plan for her. This, and nothing else.

Hallelujah.

Chapter 1: A Woman's Place

"... and this is the Class A conference room. This is where the confidential details of the experiments are discussed, usually plans that are still, shall we say, contentious. Many an argument has been had in here. Only those with Class A clearance can enter and credentials are checked before every meeting, so you'll need to keep your badge on you. I assume you're mindful of keeping up with your badge..."

Lailah smiled and nodded, letting her head tip low enough to be a subtle bow. "At the Ophir facility we were required to show them daily."

She made sure to sound pleasant. Bariel hadn't shown any sign of disapproving of her when he'd greeted her earlier, but she knew she was probably the only woman he'd ever given this tour to. Even if he did approve of one joining the project, others wouldn't and he would know that. For both their sakes, she couldn't cause any tension.

Bariel gave a stiff, formal grunt. "Good."

How much older he looked than most angels. Unless it was the result of an experiment, it could only mean he hadn't achieved the height of his astral powers until he was many decades, even centuries, old. Lailah herself had stopped aging ten years ago, just after she'd placed into an assistantship with the Seraphim Think Tank.

She felt shame for even noticing. This was the right order of things, ordained by the Creator himself. Even if she'd reached her full power sooner and closer to a higher rank, she was still a woman. Her place was still below this man's. She should be grateful that her abilities had been recognized enough to win her a job on this project.

Of course, the job was really an apology. Despite her years of service to the Seraphim Think Tank and her continued demonstration of seraphic abilities, the High Council had decided not to induct her into the order of the Seraphim.

No woman had ever achieved it, their emissary had said.

These were strange and tense times, their emissary had said. More angels had fallen and joined the Demon Lord Lucifer, once God's chosen son. The Organic Angel Alexiel was believed to be stirring up dissent among the lowest castes, and there were rumors that her twin brother, the Inorganic Angel Rosiel, was behaving erratically. On Assiah, mankind was proving to be much weaker than planned. This was not the time to break with tradition, especially with the Creator having barred all but Lord Rosiel from Atziluth.

And so, with the High Council's sincerest apologies, they were declining to promote her.

She was welcome to appeal the decision, the emissary had assured her. But a rejected appeal would likely mean the loss of her position as a researcher. However, the high angels were merciful, and had another offer for her.

The combined experiments known as Project Sandalphon and Project Metatron had been making slow progress for many years now. Lailah's aptitude for genetic and bodily manipulation might benefit the projects. They believed a woman's natural patience and lack of personal ambition might also be appropriate, especially if the projects were ultimately going to fail. Moreover, the current director of research was a woman, a high-ranking Dominion.

If Lailah were to make a humble request for a transfer, thanking them for their graciousness, they would see to it that she had a position, not just on the projects but in the highly classified main laboratory itself.

She'd made the only real decision she could.

She would go without a proper angelic rank but would remain a researcher, now on a project commissioned by the Creator Himself. How merciful He was, to give her this opportunity in spite of her sex.

Still, she would have preferred that her new colleagues didn't think she was an idiot who couldn't keep up with her badge.

She straightened her posture as they continued walking past the Class A conference room. Internally she was still awestruck at being in the facility, but she must project only a careful confidence.

"This facility is very clean," she said, hoping a compliment would alleviate the tension.

Bariel grunted again. "I should hope so. Is cleanliness important to you?"

She smiled again. "Yes, very. At Ophir I was in charge of signing off on cleaning reports."

She regretted saying it immediately. Did this duty sound too domestic?

"Did you check them before you signed them?"

Bastard.

"Oh yes, of course. I performed spot checks at random throughout the week."

"I'm sure they learned to fear those…"

She couldn't tell if Bariel was being sarcastic. In a way, it was true. The others at Ophir had seen a side of her she didn't readily display everywhere. They'd heard how quickly her voice could become authoritative and sharp, how the discovery of dust on her gloves when she touched their lab equipment could result in a formal reprimand.

She responded with an affirmative sound and a polite nod.

Bariel guided her to the end of this corridor, then another, then another. The facility was practically a labyrinth. Twice on this tour Lailah had lost her sense of direction. She wanted to ask if this was the result of some astral power exercised as a security measure, but if it wasn't, that would be admitting to a weakness. She suspected Bariel knew the circumstances of her transfer. If he was indeed like so many of the men she'd worked with before, that was already a strike against her.

And if it were a security measure, it must be a necessary one. The work done here was the most advanced scientific research in all of Heaven - and the most secret. They were trying to harness the power of the Creator Himself. If any rebels or fallen angels were able to get into the main laboratory, the consequences would be nothing short of catastrophic.

Besides, it was only her first time in the facility. Security measure or not, she would get her bearings eventually. She did want to be here. Other scientists could only dream of making it here, and while her transfer was a shameful one, it was, in its own way, a reward.

For keeping quiet.

For keeping her head down.

For not protesting the Council's refusal to withhold the rank she'd earned.

For not fleeing to join Alexiel.

For being a good woman who abhorred sin and sought only to please the Creator as she'd been instructed.

"We have to take the elevator down," Bariel said, sounding more than a little bored now. "This one is small, so you'll want to keep your wings retracted."

Her wings weren't out. It had, in fact, been months since she'd last revealed them, when the Council had required another demonstration of uniquely seraphic abilities. She could conceive of no reason to use them here and no reason for such a warning.

The smile was beginning to hurt.

The elevator was indeed small. Its steel walls were thicker than she might have suspected. When closed, they clearly were meant to create a strong seal and insulation.

Her heart issued a small thud. She drew a long breath. He was taking her to the central laboratory.

For one moment, as the doors closed, Lailah was acutely aware that when the elevator closed, it would trap her in this small, impenetrable space with a man. She felt a dull ache in her forehead. Beneath the dark fringe of her hair, the scar began to sting-

No . She wouldn't think of that now. She couldn't. She wasn't a child anymore. She was a grown woman, a skilled higher angel even without the rank, and she was about to see the grandest scientific experiment in Heaven since the division of Adam Kadamon. Fear and memory had no place in her today.

The doors closed. With some relief, she stood straighter and let the smile fade from her lips.

metatron

metatron are you sleeping again

are you dead

something's coming

As soon as the elevator doors opened, it was all Lailah could do to keep from running.

The corridor was empty and only dimly lit, but the bright light of a distant open doorway confirmed her suspicion. A cacophony of sound drifted from it - humming engines, voices in conversation, a bubbling like a great amount of water being churned.

"This is -"

"The central laboratory." She hadn't meant to cut him off. But she couldn't focus on his voice right now, couldn't pretend to be lost and unaware and in need of his guidance. It was right there.

Bariel made a sound like a clearing of his throat and began walking. "I suppose you'd like to see that first. You'll have time to see all the offices and closets down here when you've started."

She nodded, practically biting her tongue, forcing herself to match Bariel's slow, disinterested pace.

It wasn't that she'd hated working at the Ophir facility. It wasn't that she hadn't been proud of their research there. But this… this was work commissioned by the Creator Himself, work that transcended the knowledge and desires of even the angels. This was the highest calling a scientist could receive.

Suddenly, she didn't care anymore about the High Council or that she'd been refused a rank, the title she'd worked for since the Academy. She'd made it here anyway. It had to be God's will - didn't it?

Bariel stepped back to let her enter the lab first. The great room dwarfed her. The ceiling was as high as that of the holy cathedral of Mathey. Rows and rows of tables and desks stretched from one wall to the next like pews. Instead of stained glass depictions of Heaven's glory, entangled pipes covered the walls, some connecting enormous tanks, others disappearing into the walls themselves. Curtained partitions blocked some areas from her view. Dozens of angels in lab coats bustled about the room, talking, giving orders, moving equipment. The room smelled of their work - burnished steel, sterilized surfaces, clean water, the sharp scent of the pipes, and beneath it all another scent, something alkaline that reminded her of fresh blood -

Yes. Thank you, Father. Thank you, my Creator, for this mercy.

She realized Bariel was speaking and that she hadn't heard a single word of it. She opened her mouth to ask, as modestly as possible for a repetition but, noticing approaching movement, stopped.

Coming towards them was the most beautiful woman Lailah had ever seen. Her eyes were the color of the sky. Her smooth blonde hair bounced slightly as she walked. Parts of her appearance - subtle parts, the tiny uptick at the outer corner of her eye, the pale line of her eyebrows - had been enhanced with the smallest amount of makeup. Her lab coat seemed freshly pressed, its hem flaring slightly with all the grace of a gown. She moved with a feminine stride that still projected authority. This grand territory that so astounded Lailah, this place where the will of the Creator was carried out, belonged to her.

Lailah had known, of course, that the director of the project was a woman, but she hadn't expected this . Not someone so young or unabashedly feminine.

She quickly averted her face as if looking at some distant activity and adjusted the dark fringe across her forehead.

Bariel's posture straightened as the woman arrived where they stood. Though the woman was smiling, Lailah wasn't sure if she could also smile or look somber, humbled by the great work around her.

Bariel stepped slightly aside, leaving Lailah in the woman's direct view. "Lailah, this is our Project Director, Anael of the Dominions. Director, this is the new recruit, Lailah."

Anael didn't question the lack of rank. Instead, she took Lailah's hand and grasped it firmly but gently between both of her own. "We're very happy to have you join us, Lailah. Truly. The project has been… well, slow for the past several years. I think a fresh pair of eyes and hands might get us back on track."

"I…" She felt overwhelmed by this welcome, this woman, this space. It was embarrassing. She cleared her throat quietly. "I'll do my best."

Anael kept hold of her hand as if they were already friends and looked to Bariel. "Thank you for showing Lailah around upstairs. I'll take her from here."

Bariel nodded obediently. Anael gave Lailah's hand a slight squeeze and released it, only to then touch the crook of her arm to signal that she should accompany her now.

"I'm not going to show you everything today," Anael said, her voice warm. "There's just too much here. It usually takes new recruits a few weeks, but everyone here will be glad to help you get adjusted, and I'm on the grounds almost every day."

"That's… very generous of you."

She knew she needed to make a good impression, but her eyes and mind were drawn all about the room. There was scarcely a square meter of stillness. Some people glanced at them as they passed, but most were engrossed in their work. Text and images flickered across screens. Hands moved artfully over papers and pipes and machinery. Far across the room, one man stood with his wings extended as two others measured the length of his ulna.

"We call this the main floor," Anael said, "but it's mostly for running simulations and prototypes, and some tests involving sanitized tissue are carried out here."

"Tissue…" The curtained partitions.

"Yes." Anael sounded slightly uncomfortable. "The project requires a significant amount of bio material."

"I understand." She was surprised by Anael's tone. But it made sense, didn't it? Nobody, not even a skilled scientist, would find it pleasant to talk to a stranger about tissue harvesting. "We processed tissue at Ophir."

This seemed to ease Anael's concern. "Ophir still specializes in military applications, right?"

Lailah nodded. "Yes, we've been focused on weapons development and testing." She paused, unsure if she should offer this information. But surely it was something her superior needed to know. "My depar- the department I was in worked with nerve agents."

"All the more reason for you to come work with us. We need someone who understands anomalies in nervous systems."

She touched Lailah's arm again. Did she know Lailah hadn't come here by choice, nor had her abilities been specifically vetted for this project? She had to know. Surely her role as director superceded any misgivings the High Council had about her sex. Yet she treated Lailah as if she had invited her to work here, as if she herself had issued such an invitation.

Anael stopped abruptly. "Would you like to see the boys?"

"The… boys?" She felt like an idiot. Never had she been so out of sorts, especially not in a professional environment. The disorientation she'd experienced had never quite dissipated; if anything, the large, bustling room had only made it worse. And then there was this woman, her new superior, with her frightening mercy.

A kind laugh accompanied Anael's smile. "The project - Metatron and Sandalphon. We think it's beneficial to humanize them."

"A-already?" She fought to keep her nervous hand from rising to her chest.

"All of this -" Anael gestured about the room "- is for them. You're going to be working directly with them. There's no reason not to introduce you now."

"I…." She nodded, forcing a tiny smile. "Yes. If you don't mind."

Anael squeezed her elbow gently and turned to lead her in the direction of a large sealed door. A small circular window at eye-level revealed a faint glow on the other side. Lailah felt her heart beginning to pound as they neared the door. The High Council had humiliated her. Her colleagues at Ophir knew the real reason she'd left. The other members of the Seraphim Think Tank knew. She wasn't strong enough to do anything but accept it. Yet that indignity had still brought her here.

On the other side of that door was the holiest work in all of Heaven.

The rest of the room seemed to fade away. She barely heard Anael when she told Lailah that even from within this room ID badges with Classes A-C clearance were needed to open the door. She could hear her own pulse, could feel a rush of blood moving through her entire body.

The door slid open with a hiss of hydraulics. The blue-green light washed over her. Anael gave her a gentle nudge forward as the door closed, sealing them inside.

Shorter rows of laboratory tables stood staggered throughout the room, each unmanned. A great network of pipes and hoses made webs across the ceiling, all leading to the middle of the room. The quiet sound of liquid rushed through the web, muffled only the trickling of an unseen filtration system. Small vibrations moved through the floor, working into her boots and up her legs.

At the room's center stood the nexus of all it - two enormous glass tanks filled with a glowing fluid and twisting cables. In one tank, the cables whirled around a sleeping infant. His legs were drawn up as if he were in a womb and his hands made tiny fists next to his face. His hair floated gently as small bubbles rose up around him.

The adjacent tank held a monster. A knotted clump of cables floated at the ceiling of the tank, weaving through a large mass of discolored flesh. The shapeless mass throbbed slowly but without discernible rhythm. Dozens of eyes dotted the flesh, most of them closed. The open few were still half-lidded, hazy, out of focus.

Lailah nearly collapsed in prayer. She understood everything now - the secrecy around the project, the Council's doubts, yet also the insistence that the project continue and the faith held by the highest scientists that they might yet replicate the power of God.

She realized Anael was watching her, likely waiting to see if she would react in disgust or reverence. She dared to return her gaze, too awed by what she'd seen to keep her face slightly averted. "Can I go closer?"

Anael smiled with evident relief and walked forward, one hand on Lailah's arm, the other extended toward the tanks. "This," she said, indicating the infant, "is Metatron, and this" - her hand shifted to the tangle of eyes and flesh, "is Sandalphon."

Lailah stepped forward to peer into the infant's tank. "He's perfect …" Her voice came out in an awed whisper.

"They can't hear us, but we like to speak to them anyway." Anael looked up at both bodies. "Metatron, Sandalphon - this is Lailah. She's joining our team today. She's going to help us take care of you."

Neither creature reacted to her voice. The plump infant Metatron remained curled up in his watery bed, perhaps dreaming. The great mass of flesh and eyes that was Sandalphon continued its slow pulsing.

Lailah shifted toward his tank. Though undeveloped and deformed, Sandalphon was far bigger than his twin, spanning the height of a fully-grown man. Small eyeless tendrils hung down toward the base of the tank, light as feathers as the current of synthetic amniotic fluid caught them.

"They've both struggled to thrive," Anael said. "We've managed to sustain Metatron's body but Sandalphon's vitals plummeted after birth. His body died. We cultivated this out of that tissue and supplemented it with bio material. He hasn't been able to grow a proper form again, only...these eyes."

"Can he see?"

"We aren't completely sure. Some of the eyes move independently of the others. Some of the pupils are reactive to light... sometimes. But it's unclear if any of them can intake or process visual information."

"What about the internal ocular structures?"

Anael seemed to hesitate. "We've ...removed two eyes for dissection. Both contained rods and cones - normal in one eye and deformed in the other. I wouldn't be surprised if each eye is different. We can't… determine their true function yet."

Anael's mood had shifted as she spoke. Lailah tried not to let on that she'd noticed. The process described was unpleasant, after all, especially when done to such a pitiful creature as this. But she understood its necessity. And really, she was in no place to question their ethics here, not when she'd worked in the arms development department at Ophir.

She lifted a hand and let it hover over the glass. "May I?"

Anael nodded.

Lailah pressed her hand to the glass. She felt the vibrations of the fluid, the filter, the energy passing through the cables. But beneath it there was something else, a strange, silent hum of life. She placed her other hand on Metatron's tank. "They're beautiful."

"This is where the project has been for years," Anael said. "Metatron won't wake up and our attempts to measure his astral power have been inconsistent, though we have concluded his brain is functional. Sandalphon clings to life but we can't get a reading on him at all."

Lailah stepped back from the tanks. The warmth of the glass left her hands. For a moment there was only silence between them. Lailah forced herself to make eye contact. If Anael saw the mark beneath her hair, she gave no sign of it. Her solemn face seemed to hide something of its own. Uncertainty, maybe fear.

"I'll do what I can for you. For them."

Anael nodded. "Thank you, Lailah." She paused. The strange shadow left her eyes and she smiled again. "Let's go back. I'll show you your new office, then we can have tea in mine."

They walked back toward the door together in silence. The glow of the tanks illuminated their path. She glanced back as the door opened for them. The horrifying, beautiful god-children remained the same, one in sleep, the other in a state beyond imagining. Anael's hand on her shoulder guided her through the exit.

As the door closed, cutting off all but a circle of that light, Lailah felt a chill move through her blood.

lai

lah

I think I see you

is that

is that your face

lailah

Notes:

This fic is the result of massively overthinking Lailah's/Sevy's story through multiple re-readings of the manga, collecting different translations, trying to unpack the manga's complicated and (perhaps intentionally?) contradictory timeline, and over-analyzing the smallest details of Lailah's story in the context of what Yuki shows of Heaven's gender politics.

This chapter has been languishing on my computer for over a year now. Maybe if I start posting it I'll actually finish it.

Bariel is an OC for the purposes of the chapter; all OCs will be named based on existing angel mythos in accordance with how Yuki named them. One line in the prelude is based on Sandalphon's focalization in *that* scene in the manga. Lailah's reaction to seeing Anael is based on my own headcanon, which is based on the thoughts Sevy expresses about her in the manga. (There's a big difference in how Sevy talks about Anael and how others accuse Lailah of feeling about Anael, but that will come up in later chapters.) Sandalphon's focalization is supposed to have extra spacing but this platform doesn't support the format.