Disclaimer: Original characters supposedly belong to me, though the non-original characters events, worlds etc do, most indeed, belong to Tolkien.
Chapter Twenty-Five: To Be Doubtful
To believe with certainty we must begin with doubting.
-Stanislaw Leszczynski
Mirkwood, TA 1974
Morwen had not visited Greenwood the Great often when it was in its prime. Since the shadow had fallen she had not been under the darkened eaves, Glorfindel and Elrond had both forbid it and for once, understanding the situation, Morwen had not tried to convince them with logical arguments.
When Thranduil himself had extended an invitation to the family, providing a full guard to meet them at Imladris to guide them along the way, even Glorfindel could not turn down such a generous offer. The twins had decided to go as representatives of the family, Eluialeth as a guest and a scribe. Rian had declined the invitation to go as a councilor, knowing Morwen had longed to visit Mirkwood in order to see Tirnion and Eluialeth might just tell the orcs where they could find Rian.
Needless to say, Rian and Eluialeth still did not get along.
Rian would be in the Havens, completing her diplomatic mission cut so short all those years ago. Thalion and Eregeth would also be accompanying her, slowly but surely setting up their home in the Havens. Eregeth's parents were already in residence and Cirdan had offered a position to Thalion to train his elves. Glorfindel had even given his blessing to Thalion and offered to visit as a special instructor.
The reason Thalion and Eregeth were still not residents of the Havens was one not so simple and yet not so complicated. Thalion had wanted to take the position Cirdan offered but did not wish to leave the only home he had ever known and those he considered family. Morwen had told him, with all the love in her heart, he was a fool for dallying, sometimes you must move on, and considering the state of this it would be much better to raise a child in the Havens rather than Imladris not to mention the fact Imladris was not exactly going anywhere. Soon after that, Thalion and Eregeth began to look for a home.
Morwen smiled at the memories as she watched the soldier training below from one of the few balconies in Thranduil's palace. Tirnion was leading them, Nordithen having ever so slightly transferred his tasks onto Tirnion. Nordithen was preparing to sail, his wife wishing to move on.
"I have always found the soldiers more graceful than dancers." Lady Laeriel said from behind Morwen.
"Yes, they are quite amazing to watch." Morwen said.
Laeriel watched Tirnion help a soldier, not by embarrassing him but subtly suggesting and guiding.
"He is a good leader and teacher." Morwen said.
"Yes, Tirnion is most special to Mirkwood. I must confess, I was most upset with my daughter when she broke his heart. Every time she broke his heart. Tirnion deserves better than that. But Merileth, she is happy and what more could I ask for?"
"There is that, I suppose." Morwen said.
"So how are things with your own soldier?" Laeriel asked.
Morwen laughed, "Which one? I fear I know much too many. Elladan and Elrohir are both well as you have seen. Thalion and his wife are quite happy. You see Tirnion more often than I."
"And Glorfindel?"
"I…." Morwen trailed off, "We, we do not often see each other."
"By choice or by circumstance?"
"Both, sadly. Our duties send us both all over and it has become almost painful to…hide. I fear I have had more than a few bouts of jealousy over our situation in comparison to others." Morwen said.
Laeriel laid a gentle hand on her shoulder, "I never told your of my story with Thranduil." Laeriel laughed, "Much like you, I had my heart set on my own golden warrior before I had reached my majority. Oropher, alas, was not so open to my kind even though my family had been among his people for centuries, after they had fled Gondolin. They could not stand to be near the sea or to be around those their nephew had died defending. It was too painful, so they came deeper into this world. We were always marked out though, not Silvan nor easily identified as Noldor nor Sindar like Oropher's kind. We were outsiders and I grew up knowing this, either way, I fell in love with a Sindar elf, not much older than myself, the one who would always be found training or conversing with the trees, able to control nature to a small degree. I had no idea he was the king's son and even if I had, I highly doubt I would have cared. Later I was to find Thranduil had also seen me and watched as I watched him…" Laeriel laughed, "…our whole relationship for thousands of years was lived in secret out of fear of Oropher. We were even married in secret, I gave birth to Berenon and Merileth in secret."
Laeriel broke off looking out into the horizon, "I am positive Oropher knew, he just chose not to believe. When Thranduil became king and announced me as his lady and our children as the heirs, well, needless to say some where none too pleased."
"Is that why you do not have the title of…" Morwen started.
"Queen? Yes. And I did not want it, not at that time when there were some many grudges against non-Silvan and Sindar elves. Things were starting to change and now this darkness…" Laeriel trailed off.
"Makes the Silvan elves of LothLorien and those of this realm suspicious of each other." Morwen said.
"I doubt any here expected us to be more welcoming of the sons of Gil-Galad's herald than to those from the Golden Wood, even now when my daughter is a part of those people." Laeriel said.
"The nonsensical complexities of diplomacy and politics." Morwen murmured.
"Yet you deal with them willingly." Laeriel said.
Morwen shrugged, "I enjoy a challenge."
Laeriel smiled, "As do I yet you have taken on a challenge in your duty and in your life."
Morwen gave her a look, "Did you not also? I merely have a paranoid Elda on my hands, you have a powerful King in, and I mean this with all respect, an ever-worsening situation."
"There is that." Laeriel said in an amused tone, repeating Morwen's words from earlier.
Laeriel's eyes drifted down again to the soldiers, smiling as she spied her sons and her husband among the gathered. "Oh dear, they are trying to get Tholinas to practice his swordplay, again. I fear my second son is more suited to archery and creating his father's crowns than that. Legolas and Berenon, well, they are much better."
"I always thought of Tholinas as more of than a warrior, though to be fair many councilors of old were once warriors." Morwen said.
"Yes, Thalion's mother is a prime example. Tholinas, I fear, tries to be a warrior if only to get along with his brothers. Thranduil has told him he can simply be an archer and a craftsman and we will be happy for him but with our current state of affairs, he wishes to learn how to defend himself and others in a combat."
"He runs the risk of being a hindrance rather than a help." Morwen could not help but point out.
Laeriel nodded, "Yes, Thranduil is trying to find the most proper way to word that sentiment. I think his current tactic is to show Tholinas that it is simply not his strength."
Elladan came to stand beside Morwen, "What are you two lovely she-elves watching?" he asked.
Looking down at the training ground he smiled, "Oh dear, they are not trying to teach Tholinas how to.." Elladan grimaced at the loud smack that rung through the air and the mumbled 'I am fine' form Tholinas. "..apparently they are." Elladan said. "I think I shall go down there and…" Elladan paused at another loud smack "…tape up Tholinas's ribs."
Laeriel nodded, "Thank you, Elladan. Is your brother still speaking with our healers?"
"Yes and Eluialeth is taking notes of ever single detail as far as I can tell. I did not know an elf could write so quickly." Elladan said.
All three elves jumped at the particularly loud sound of bones crunching.
"Yes, best be on my way down there." Elladan said.
Laeriel just shook her head and followed Elladan to aid her son.
Tirnion and Morwen watched, both trying their hardest not to laugh, as Eluialeth went on and on about how disorganized the library at Mirkwood was and how only a fool could have set up such an atrocious system. With Thranduil's blessing Eluialeth had already started to reorganize, muttering under her breath the entire time about how a male obviously set up such an disorganized cataloging system.
Tirnion whispered to Morwen, "Is Erestor ever like this?"
"Apparently he once said the same thing about a library which Cirdan had organized. To this day if you mention the words 'Erestor' and 'library' in front of Cirdan he gets red in the face. Once Galdor, in a subtle protest of the amount of work he was being told to handle, gave an hour long speech in which those two words repeated often. It was one of the most delightful things I have ever witnessed." Morwen said.
"Now, that is a tale for the ages." Tirnion said. He beckoned towards the doorway, indicating he would rather talk somewhere else, preferably where Eluialeth would not gift him with glares.
Morwen nodded and followed him out into the halls.
"What did I ever do to be the cause of her anger?" Tirnion asked.
"Existed. Following that, you did once call her the most 'adorable little elven poppet' you had ever seen." Morwen said.
"She was! She's quite petite for an elf and even with her attitude, you must admit, there is something charming about her." Tirnion said.
"Oh there are many things charming about her; I happen to find her attitude quite charming." Morwen said.
"Of course you do, you wish you could be so terse." Tirnion dryly stated.
"Alas, I do. Now, why have you felt the urgent need to speak with me outside the library?" Morwen asked.
"A simple inquiry of concern, not mine, but Glorfindel's. You did not answer his last letter to you and had it not been for Elladan recounting what you said to Bellion about his decided lack of diplomacy skills and you having sent a letter out to Erestor that day I fear he would have come bounding in here demanding to know where we hid the body."
Morwen grimaced, "I am sorry, I am sure his letter to you was quite…terse."
"To say the least. Morwen, it is not like you to forget such a thing." Tirnion said, giving her a look.
"I….we parted on decidedly bad terms when I left Imladris. I was feeling sorry for myself and jealous of the fact so many others can live out in the open and we both passed harsh words back and forth. The letter he sent was almost a further rebuke of my behavior and suggested that perhaps I was yet too young to deal with such a relationship, though I do not think he quite meant his words as I took them. Deciding I did not want to send a letter laden with expletives to him, I just decided it would be better to send a bland note and then I must have forgot to send it out." Morwen tried to explain.
"Or forced yourself to forget." Tirnion gave her a quick hug, "it is not like you to act in such a way. I find it hard to remember a time when you were jealous over someone else's relationship."
"It is not a feeling I often welcome, I assure you. It's just….Tirnion, it feels sometimes like he is punishing me. As if he is testing me to see if I am strong enough to endure such a thing and the minute he finds me unworthy I will be let go."
"Morwen," Tirnion admonished, "stop thinking such a thing. You must know how he feels.."
"That's just it, Tirnion. I don't." She look at him with sad eyes, "I don't. Not anymore. Not lately."
Tirnion gave her a sad smile and pulled her close, placing a chaste kiss to the top of her head, "I do, Morwen. You have nothing to worry about, you must tell that over curious mind of yours to stop thinking."
Morwen laughed, pressing closer to him as he offered her comfort.
Imladris, Winter, TA 1974
Balanauth came into Glorfindel's office, a look of concern on his face, "Lord Glorfindel, we have just received very disturbing reports from our allies, both Ranger and Elven."
"Yes?" Glorfindel asked.
"Captain, the Witch-King has taken Fornost."
Glorfindel stared at his second in disbelief, "Balanauth, are you certain?"
"Yes." He nodded, "I am sorry to say, but yes."
Glorfindel put his head in his hands and took a deep breath, "Prepare the troops, take them out to meet the Dunedain, those who are still there and any of Cirdan's people if they still dwell near the river from the last attempt. I must head in the other direction to Mirkwood and collect the twins and send the others home."
"Is that wise? To do so at this time when there will be few to spare in their guard?"
Glorfindel felt his jaw clench as he contemplated the situation. No, that was not something he was willing to risk.
"You are rational, as always Balanauth. They must stay in Thranduil's realm until there is someone to guide them. I will ask Elrond to contact Celebrian's people and see if any are willing. Mirkwood will be too busy trying to defend any evil fleeing from the north and there are those already in the south."
"Glorfindel, what are we to do with those who have survived?" Balanauth asked.
"Send them here, I am more than certain Elrond will welcome those of his brother's people. We do still raise the heirs after all."
Balanauth gave a nod and left the office. Glorfindel looked around his office and wondered how long it would be until he saw it again. They were all surely headed towards battle.
Mirkwood, Winter TA 1974
Eluialeth sat by Morwen both supposedly reading. Eluialeth had given up the pretense long ago and Morwen was not even attempting to pretend her thoughts were anywhere but on what was going on in the north.
"How long will be staying here?' Eluialeth asked.
"Elrond's letter said to wait until Glorfindel came and he would tell us the next action. However, it appears you will finally see a Mid-Winter festival in another realm, though I do not know how happy it will be with many out guarding the road from the Grey Mountains."
"If this is all taking place in Anor, why is Glorfindel coming here?" Eluialeth asked.
"To gather the twins. Balanauth is most likely setting up camp with the soldiers somewhere in the north. Cirdan tried to assist with a fleet as few years ago, but the ice was too thick. I pray some where able to escape." Morwen said.
"But where will they go?"
"To Elrond, failing that, they will wander. People such as they should not be so devastated. Yet fairness has little to do with it all. How are mere men able to fight off something like the Witch-King?" Morwen pondered.
"All they can do is try." Eluialeth said.
"Yes," Morwen agreed, "that is all any of us can do."
Mirkwood, Winter TA 1974.
Glorfindel had been lucky to encounter few attacks as he made his way through the Misty Mountains, Congweth and Thandrog at his side.
"We will only be able to rest here two days at most. More than the twins may follow us into this battle, remember a soldier is a solider, do not judge them because they are wood elves. I assure you, they are much better archers than the both of you combined." Glorfindel told them.
Congweth and Thandrog nodded at their captain, both understanding his was now more their leader than their friend.
Both went silent as they came upon the first set of stone doors leading into Thranduil's realm, amazed at the brilliance and further shocked when they moved as if on their own accord.
Glorfindel rode ahead and allowing himself a small bit of amusement turned back to his soldiers, "If you do not want to be crushed between the doors or locked out of them, I suggest you hurry in before King Thranduil tires of waiting for you." He said as he dismounted.
"He is right, you know. I have little patience."
Both Congweth and Thandrog snapped to attention as the King of the Wood Elves spoke.
Thranduil laughed giving Glorfindel a warm embrace, "Oh, these are fine ones, Glorfindel."
"They are just amazed by your magnificence, Thranduil." Glorfindel said.
"As they should be. The twins are out on the training grounds with many of my own troops. We will take care of the horses. I am sure you are quite desirous to see your councilor in order to discuss our unfortunate recent events. She is in the library with the scribe, who, as you might delight in knowing, has completely rearranged my library." Thranduil told him.
"Yes, she gets that from her father. Thank you for your kindness, Thranduil. It is most appreciated." Glorfindel said.
"I am only sorry you are unable to dally here." Thranduil said.
"As am I." Glorfindel said as an elf came up to take the reins of his horse. As he hurried into the palace he heard Thranduil asking Congweth and Thandrog about the last archery competition they had competed in and what was their best shot.
He made his way towards the library, silently wondering over how much had changed since he had listed visited the realm. The elves had adjusted well, they were surviving and living.
He walked into the library, gesturing for the few inside to leave. He walked over to the hearth, giving Eluialeth a small smile and a nod.
Eluialeth retuned the gesture and then, giving Morwen a quick hug, she left the room.
Glorfindel leveled his gaze on Morwen. There was no fear in her, only a sense of being resigned. There was no anger in her eyes, though there was some defiance.
"You have not written." He said.
"I had nothing to say." She answered.
Glorfindel sat down beside her, "Tirnion said you were not angry with me."
"He is correct." Her tone was still quite sharp.
"Morwen, I do not have time for this." Glorfindel said.
"No, Glorfindel." Morwen said, "You have all the time in the world."
Glorfindel let out a frustrated sound, "If you are unable to handle this…."
"Then what, Glorfindel, end it? Is that it?" Morwen asked.
Glorfindel kept silent, his jaw clenched.
"If that is what you feel is best, then perhaps we should." She said.
"If that is what you want." Glorfindel forced out.
"Would you really just sit back and let me go on with someone else?" Morwen asked.
Glorfindel closed his eyes at the thought, "If that was what you wished." He said.
"So, if this instant if I told you I was leaning towards some other elf, some other solider, you would just sit back and let me go, not even try for me? Not even bother?"
Glorfindel stood up and walked over to the table holding a pitcher of water, desperate to get away from Morwen's dark gaze.
"You did not answer, Glorfindel." She said. "Would you be like Tirnion? Send me off with your blessings and wishing for my most fortunate future?"
"No." Glorfindel said his tone quiet and deadly.
"I did not hear you." Morwen said, voice flat.
"No." Glorfindel stated.
Morwen stood up, walking over to him "Why not? Why would you not give me such things if it was what I wanted, if it was what you felt was best for me, or so you say. Why not, Glorfindel?"
Glorfindel placed the glass down. Pressing his hands onto the table, "Because they cannot have you." He said.
"What was that?" Morwen asked.
"Because they cannot have you." He almost yelled.
"Is that all I am, Glorfindel? A possession to be had?" Morwen asked, gaze strong but voice wavering.
"You know you are more than that." Glorfindel spat out.
"Do I? Have you ever said such?" Morwen asked
Glorfindel looked at her, his anger replaced by disbelief, "Morwen you know you are more than that. You know."
Morwen nodded and walked back to the fire, curling up in the chair.
Glorfindel made his way over to her surprised to hear her softly crying, Morwen rarely, if ever, allowed herself the comfort of tears.
"Why, why is this so difficult for you? Why can you not just give us both what we want?" Morwen, sobbing, brokenly asked, "Why…."
Glorfindel kneeled before her and gathered her into his arms, planting soft kisses in her hair,
"Morwen, shh, how long have you been like this? How long have you had these doubts?" he asked as he stroked her hair.
She clutched to him, "Since…" she paused and tried to pull back but he would not let her, "..since I am not sure when. For some time…I…I do not know when it started. And I hate it, Glorfindel, I hate feeling like this. It is one thing to doubt when you have not had proof otherwise but it is another to think perhaps you are lacking, you are not worthy. To have your fears realized that…"
Glorfindel pulled her closer, framing her face in his hands, "Morwen, there is no one more worthy, trust me. And if you do not trust me, trust the Valar, for I doubt they are wrong."
Morwen let out a small laugh, "You did not trust them."
"I was proven wrong, was I not?" He asked. "Please, Morwen, please just give me the time I need." He murmured.
Morwen clutched his tunic in her hands, "How much longer, Glorfindel? How much longer do you plan to punish me like this?"
"No, no," he tried to soothe her, "no, Morwen, not punishment."
He gently pulled himself out of her grasp, running his hands through her hair he said, "You must trust me in this. I will not put you at risk, I cannot. You have to sense what is coming, if even just a little, this upcoming battle is just one of the many parts of the beginning. I will not endanger you even more by letting all know just how dear you are to me. I must be able to go out there and know you are relatively safe within the borders of Imladris or even now in Mirkwood. I cannot let my mind worry about some enemy hearing of us and attempting to use you against me, to harm you. Rumor is one thing, Morwen, and as long as you are seen as nothing more than an infatuated councilor you have some degree of safety." He kissed her softly, cautiously, not allowing himself to be lost in the sensation, "Please, Morwen, wait for me, at the end of this all, I swear, I will spend the rest of my existence making it up to you. You know this is how it has to be."
Morwen silently nodded, her hands toying at his braids, "I know what you speak is right, but I fear at this time I do not wish to heed it. I know this is how it must be. Just, please, do not expect me to like it."
"No," Glorfindel laughed, "I would not expect you to."
Glorfindel held her for a few more moments and as her eyes finally dried and she stopped shaking he asked, "Better?" and at her nod he stood up, offering a hand. "Let us find the twins, I fear we have much to discuss and little time to do so."
"You want us to stay here, do you not?" Morwen asked.
"At least until the snow has cleared. Elrond is asking Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn to send up a guard for you. It is the least they can do. Now, let us go."
Morwen and Eluialeth watched the party of elves both of Imladris and Mirkwood ride off for Fornost.
"Do you think it will be a long battle?" Eluialeth asked.
"No," Morwen said, "But I do think it will be devastating. Let us go inside, I must send this letter out to Rian or Elladan will never let me hear the end of it."
"Nor will Rian." Eluialeth mumbled.
Morwen allowed herself a smile, even with uncertainty and the own doubts she still had, there was hope of normalcy even if it came wrapped up in a petite elven package overflowing with sarcasm.
She pulled Eluialeth close, "You are a gift to me." She said.
Eluialeth just smiled, "Father says the same thing."
A/N: Next few chapters will be during/after the Battle of Fornost