Beckett stood in the outer area of the infirmary, talking quietly to Elizabeth, Teyla and Ronon.
"He's stable. In a way, it's a good thing he passed out. This is putting a lot of stress on his system. And, until I determine that I can sedate him safely, it may be the only rest John gets."
Elizabeth asked, "You said you should have stayed with him. Why?"
Beckett absentmindedly tapped the datapad that held Sheppard's medical file. "I've been thinking about it. Like I said, we don't know very much about how memory works, so this is speculation, but, like I said, this chemical must be affecting how his memories are stored and recalled."
"What happened? He seemed to be okay just a minute before."
"From the sound of it, John is actually reliving events from his life all over again. Our talking to him may be enough of a stimulus to help him focus and stay in the here and now." Beckett looked down. "When we left him to rest, we took away the stimulus. He was overwhelmed by whatever memory, or memories, he experienced after we left him."
"What can we do to help?" Teyla asked.
The Doctor sighed. "The only thing I can think of right now is to keep him distracted, talk to him. If he has something to concentrate on, he seems to have a little better luck controlling what is going on in his head."
"Talk to him." Ronon frowned. "About what?"
"Anything." Beckett looked around at them. "Look, I'm hoping we have the remaining test results on the drug interactions soon. If I can put him under for a while, we may be able to wait it out until all of the enzyme and protein, and this substance, are out of his body."
"Dr. Beckett?" Connie poked her head in the door. "Col. Sheppard is waking up."
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"John?" Beckett lifted one of his eyelids. Sheppard turned his head away from the light.
"Let's just say I never lived up to expectations." He mumbled.
Elizabeth and Beckett frowned at each other.
"John?" Beckett asked again.
Sheppard rolled his eyes open and blinked. He frowned in confusion at Beckett then Elizabeth for several seconds.
"Wha's goin' on? Was I asleep?" He licked dry lips. The last vestiges of the memory lingered, causing his Father's voice to echo in his mind. He could not believe how badly his head ached.
"You're in the infirmary, Son." Beckett smiled reassuringly. "You gave us quite a scare earlier. How are you feeling?"
Sheppard closed his eyes. Something was wrong. You were dreaming. Wake up.
"Head hurts." He raised his hands to rub his eyes. The right was heavily bandaged. Cracked right radius? "What happened?"
"Your hand will be fine. The IV line got tangled up and the needle was pulled out. You passed out."
"Oh." His voice was not much more than a croak. Passed out? Don't I wish. He looked around. Water. Where's the water?
Beckett seemed to read his mind. He slowly raised the head of the bed until his patient was almost in a sitting position and held a glass of water for him. After taking a couple of swallows, Sheppard looked at Beckett and Elizabeth again.
"Are you sure you can't just put me out for a day or two?" He looked hopefully at the Doctor.
Beckett compressed his mouth and shook his head once. "I'm sorry, not yet."
"Okay. What now?" Sheppard's hand was shaking so much, Beckett took the glass out of it.
"Is it easier for you when you're talking to us? I mean, does it help?"
Sheppard thought for a moment. It was obvious he was struggling. His hands moved nervously and his eyes didn't rest on anything for more than a moment. He was breathing as if he had been running. He finally nodded.
"Okay. Then we're going to try to keep you entertained. I need to go see how those tests are coming, so I'm going to leave you in Elizabeth's capable hands for a few minutes. I'll be just through there if you need anything." Beckett rested his hand on the Colonel's shoulder for a moment. He nodded at Elizabeth then left.
"What would you like to talk about?" She asked hesitantly.
Sheppard chuckled humorlessly. "There's that bedside manner we all know and love."
Elizabeth was mortified. "Oh, God! John, I'm sorry."
"It's alright. Tell me about…uh…Lorne. Is his team back yet?" His left hand gripped the bed rail again.
"Yes, yes. They got back earlier." She pulled a chair over and sat down. "The preliminary report is promising. The planet seems to be uninhabited. Maj. Lorne reported that it could make another good alternative to the alpha site. They found an ample supply of fresh water. The area around the Gate is forested, but there is open grassland within a few miles. The agronomists are testing the soil for arability. It looks good so far."
Sheppard leaned forward and tucked his right leg under the left.
"What's wrong?" Elizabeth stood up.
"Nothing. Just tired of lying down."
She sat down again. "Are you sure? Should I get Carson?"
"No, no. I'm okay." He gripped the rail again. He seemed to be using it to anchor himself in reality. "If this planet is such a paradise, why is it uninhabited? You'd think someone would have found it and settled there before now."
"Well, we have seen other uninhabited planets." She offered.
"They surveyed the whole planet?"
"Yes."
He frowned in thought. "Okay. Any word on Kolya?"
"No. Ladon dialed in a little while ago. His people searched the planet where you were held. There is nothing to indicate where Kolya went. And it seems that none of the men he left there were alive."
She watched Sheppard closely as they talked. His eyes went out of focus for several seconds, but he forced himself back.
"Does Ladon have any ideas? What about the guys he has in custody?"
Elizabeth's face was unreadable. "Still under interrogation."
"Well, I'd like to go and have a chat with them."
She smiled. "You, Ronon, Teyla, even Rodney, and more than a few other people have said that. I think we can leave it to Ladon, though. I have the feeling the Genii have interrogation methods that are quite…persuasive."
Sheppard suddenly closed his eyes tight and bowed his head. She saw his breathing quicken and his grip on the rail tighten to the point that is shook.
"John? What is it? John?"
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Kolya stood in front of him, watching. He nodded and the Wraith began to feed again.
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"What now?" McKay looked around. The Ancient consoles and screens went offline.
"Could it be a problem with the ZPM?" Zelenka offered.
"I checked the ZPM myself an hour ago. It's something else. I just can't think what." McKay typed furiously on his laptop. "This is not good."
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Beckett pulled the stethoscope out of his ears and stuffed it into a pocket. He looked around the room. The dim light was supplemented by a battery run lantern. He moved it a few inches to cast more light on the bed, hoping the promised naquadah generator would be connected and running soon..
"What happened?" Sheppard was lying on the bed again.
"You were…"
"No, the lights." Sheppard interrupted, already knowing what happened to himself.
"The lights went out. Systems throughout the City are going offline." Beckett replied quietly. "Elizabeth just went back to operations. Everyone is trying to find out what's going on. I'm afraid you're stuck with me for the time being."
"Dr. Beckett?" A female voice came from behind them.
"Dr. Heightmeyer." Sheppard closed his eyes and sighed. He wondered how long it was going to take her to get here.
The Doctor turned. "Kate! What are you doing here?"
"Well, with everyone working on the…" She waved her hand towards the ceiling. "I have some spare time. I thought I might be of some use here."
"Excuse me." Beckett tapped his transceiver. "This is Beckett…Yes…Someone will be there in a few minutes."
"What's wrong?" Sheppard said wearily.
"There've been a couple of accidents. Let me go send some help then I'll be right back." Beckett started for the door.
"You go, Doc. I'll be okay." Sheppard rubbed his face.
"I'll stay with him, Carson." Kate smiled.
Beckett hesitated. "Well, Connie and Dr. Franks are just next door. I won't be but a few minutes."
After Beckett left, Kate smiled at Sheppard and sat down. "You didn't say much earlier, John. Do you want to tell me about it now?"
When he turned his head to speak to her, the light from the lantern made him flinch. She turned to move it.
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"John?"
He looked up from the open school books on the kitchen table. "Yes, Ma'am?"
"You shouldn't argue with your Father like that." She turned on the bright overhead light and sat opposite him.
He looked down for a moment. The scene in the living room that morning had been ugly. The argument was, as usual, over the teenager's lack of respect and less than perfect grades.
"Mom, it's kind of hard to have a four point oh grade point average when I change schools every six months." He knew the fights with the elder Sheppard deeply upset her. Most of the time, he held back and said nothing when his Father criticized him for whatever real or perceived offense. But, there were times when he just couldn't keep the lid on. This morning was one of them. He had been deemed a disappointment yet again because of a less than perfect report card from mid-terms at a school he'd attended less than a month.
"I know it doesn't seem fair, but he's under so much pressure." She leaned forward and put her hand over his. "This assignment in Ramstein is very important."
"All of his assignments are important." He said with a bitterness that he could not keep out of his voice. "Mom, I just don't know why we had to come to Germany with him. He's almost never going to be here."
He immediately regretted both the tone and the words.
"We are a family and will we stay together. You may not believe it, but your Father wants only the best for you. He wants you to succeed." She paused, watching the emotions play on his face. "John, don't. I know he has trouble showing it, but he loves you very much."
Has trouble showing it? He has never even said it. Not even to her. He was grateful when the oven timer interrupted the conversation. John loved to do his homework in the kitchen when she was cooking. The smell of cookies permeated the house. Peanut butter cookies. He inhaled deeply. With chocolate chips. She always knew what would lift his spirits, and knew this treat was a proxy peace offering.
"You know, the two of you are very much alike in some ways." She held up a finger when he started to protest. "You're both very smart, keep things locked up inside and are extrodinairily stubborn."
"Mom!" He was appalled she would compare them. He was not going to be like him.
"John, you may not believe it, but your Father was not always like he is now. The responsibilities he has had in his work changed him. I think if you had met him twenty years ago, you would have liked him a lot. I am sorry you didn't know him then." She raised an eyebrow and squeezed his hand. "Will you try, please?"
He was surprised by her candor. She had never spoken this way about his Father before, and he could see the sadness in her eyes now at the loss of the man she once knew. He sighed and nodded.
"Thank you, Dear." She smiled and stood up. "Now, I think one cookie won't spoil your dinner. Interested?"
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When she turned back, Kate saw that he was staring at her. No, she thought, he was staring through her. Beckett had filled her in on what was happening but seeing it shocked her. A ghost of a smile played on his face. Whatever the memory was, it must be pleasant. She hesitated before attempting to break into it, but Beckett told her it was vital to try to prevent the memories from overwhelming him.
"John?" She put her hand on his arm and squeezed. There was almost no reaction for several seconds then Sheppard focused on her. The relaxed, even content, expression was replaced fleetingly by one of melancholy when he realized where he was. Then, a wall went up.
Kate was put off balance by the sudden change. "I'm sorry, John."
"Don't worry about it." He closed his eyes for a few seconds. "They're just memories."
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"What's down now?" McKay prowled from console to laptop to console in Gate Ops as he listened to his transceiver. He stopped and stared at one of the laptops, looking like he was about to cry. "Just…just check it out."
Elizabeth watched the brief one-sided exchange. When McKay tapped his transceiver again, she spoke. "Now what?"
"It's probably better to ask what hasn't gone offline." He dropped into a chair. "At this rate, the entire City will shut down in less than two days."
"And, you have no idea why?" She waited for the explosion.
McKay just shook his head. "No."
"Sabotage?" She suggested.
"It's highly unlikely. There is absolutely no sense in what is happening. We have systems going down that are completely unconnected. Lights, doors, transporters in isolated areas of the City, as well as major systems such as water purification, have gone down. Some of them have come back online on their own. There's just no way someone could be doing this. There's no reason why anyone would be doing it."
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"Your exams are not finished. Who gave you permission to leave the Academy?" Lt. Col. Sheppard was tight-lipped as he spoke to his son.
"The Commandant of Cadets, Sir." The younger Sheppard looked straight ahead, at the coffin that he knew held his Mother. "The General thought it was important for me to be here."
"I told you there was no need for you to come. She's dead. There's nothing you can do about it." The Colonel's voice was low, but the displeasure was palpable.
"I know, Sir. But, I came to say good-bye anyway." Don't argue. Not here. Not in front of her. Sheppard walked to the coffin and looked in. She looked beautiful, like she was asleep. He swallowed hard and touched her hair. For the first time, he noticed a hint of grey in her long black hair. When he spoke, his voice was barely a whisper. "I'm sorry I wasn't here, Mom. I love you."
He turned and, without even glancing at his Father, walked out.
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"…is coming along very well. Ronon is working on a plan to use…" Teyla broke off. "John, is something wrong? Should I get Carson?"
Sheppard released a long, shuddering breath and shook his head. "No. No, it was just something that I remembered."
"Do you want to talk about it?" Even in the dim light, she could see he was distressed. This episode was unlike many of the others. It was quiet, personal. And painfully sad, she thought.
"No. It was a long time ago." He wiped one cheek with his hand and cleared his throat. The immersion in the memories did not absolutely block out his surroundings, but came very close. He was losing track of time because each memory played out minute for minute in his mind and each left him disoriented to one degree or another. He looked around then threw off the blanket. Before Teyla could do or say anything, he lowered the bed rail. "I have to get up."
"John, wait." Teyla stood up and grabbed his arm. "Carson said you should rest as much as possible."
"I can't just sit here, Teyla." She could see he was determined, even desperate. "Look, I appreciate you guys trying the handholding thing, but I am going to go crazy if I sit here much longer."
"Please, let me call Carson first." She tapped her transceiver. "Dr. Beckett, this is Teyla."
She paused a moment. "Col. Sheppard wants to leave the infirmary…yes. Hurry. Thank you."
"Well?" Sheppard asked as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed.
"He will be here shortly. John, I can't let you leave until Carson arrives."
She heard him groan softly as his eyes fluttered shut. His whole body tensed and began to shake.
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The Genii unclipped the metal glove, releasing the Wraith's hand. That hand briefly hovered just inches from his face, giving Sheppard time to know deep in his gut this would be the last time.
He barely heard their voices through the sound of his own rushing blood.
"Take your fill."
Then, for a third time, the hand hit his chest and it started.
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"Ronon, help me!" She yelled as he entered. She was holding Sheppard on the edge of the bed.
Ronon quickly moved to help her. They held him there until the worst of it passed then he gently lifted his friend up and maneuvered him back onto the bed. "Sheppard!"
They patiently waited for him to come out of it. Sheppard finally lifted shaking hands, saw the extent of the unsteadiness and curled them into fists. He licked his lips and looked up at them.
"I need to get out of here for a while. I can't just sit here any more." His voice was rough with emotion. He tried hard to keep control. "Where the hell is Beckett?"
"Right here, Colonel." The Doctor walked in. He stopped next to the bed as Sheppard tried to get up again. "Where do you think you're going?"
Sheppard folded his arms over his chest. "Doc, I just need to get out of here for a while."
Beckett slowly shook his head. "I don't think…"
"Damn it, Carson. You have no idea what's going on in my head. Just talking isn't enough. I have to do something. Teyla and Ronon will babysit me." He looked at them, suddenly uncertain. "You will, won't you?"
"Yeah, I'll stay with him, Doc." Ronon's expression was unreadable.
"Teyla?" Beckett didn't take his eyes off his patient. He realized he would have to put Sheppard in restraints if he didn't let him go, and that was the last thing he wanted to do. The power outage was slowing the tests on the substance and he had no idea when the results would be ready.
"Yes. Ronon and I will make sure he comes to no harm." Her voice did not completely reflect the confidence of her statement.
"Alright, I want you back here in two hours." Beckett held his hand up when Sheppard started to protest. "Two hours, otherwise I will put you in restraints. If anything, and I mean anything…"
"I know. They'll let you know if my head starts spinning around. Thanks, Carson." Sheppard quickly got off the bed and grabbed his clothes.
After Sheppard had changed back into his uniform, Beckett watched them leave. Teyla and Ronon flanked their charge, whose whole posture and movement was off. The normally relaxed, athletic gait had been replaced by an almost nervous, hyperactive one. Beckett's frown deepened as he headed for the lab.
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The journey to his quarters had a feeling of deja vu. The last time Beckett had allowed Sheppard out of the infirmary with an escort he was changing into a monster. He staggered against the wall and leaned into it. His fingers tried to dig into the smooth surface for support.
Teyla realized what was happening. "John."
After what seemed a long time, he answered. "What?"
They were plunged into complete darkness. Ronon swore in a strange language as he turned on the flashlight he'd started carrying earlier after being caught in a pitch black corridor. They saw Sheppard staring at nothing.
"Are you okay?" Ronon asked.
Sheppard took a couple of deep breaths then nodded. He pushed away from the wall and began to walk down the corridor again, his outstretched fingers maintaining contact with the solid wall. He suddenly looked around in confusion. "What the hell is going on with the lights?"
"We do not know. It seems that there are outages going on all over the City. Rodney and his people are trying to determine the cause of the problem." Teyla responded with a frown. She had already told him this twice in the infirmary.
She and Ronon were watching him closely as they neared his quarters. He was a little unsteady but seemed more in control. They were still several yards from the door when it opened. The lights in his quarters came on even though the corridor remained dark. Teyla and Ronon exchanged puzzled glances as they followed Sheppard in.
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"Right, what the hell is going on?" McKay shouted. He was reading a laptop balanced on the pedestal that housed the ZPM. He looked at Zelenka. "Anything?"
The Czech shrugged. "No. It makes no sense, Rodney. There doesn't seem to be any reason for the blackouts."
The lights came up again. McKay glared at the laptop then closed it and picked it up.
"Keep working on it. I'll be in Ops." He stormed out, leaving Zelenka and several technicians busily conferring with laptops, datapads and each other in his wake.
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Ten minutes later, Sheppard and his guardians left his quarters. He was now dressed in civvies. His hands remained in constant motion, though, convulsively squeezing a rubber ball he'd picked up in his quarters or brushing the walls as he walked.
"How are you feeling, John?" Teyla asked as she and Ronon flanked him.
A tired grin passed over Sheppard's face and he briefly tilted his head sideways. "Good, good. Better. Thank you."
"Where do you want to go now?" Ronon watched him closely.
"I need some fresh air." He was moving at a brisk pace, leaving his friends almost running to keep up.
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"Rodney?" Elizabeth stood next to the astrophysicist, trying to read the screen.
McKay tapped on the computer keyboard then looked up at the screen, too. He threw up his hands. "Nothing. I can find nothing that's causing these blackouts."
"You're sure it isn't the ZPM?" She asked.
"No, it isn't the ZPM. It isn't anything. The fact that power stays on in some parts of the City indicates that it isn't the ZPM. And, we've checked it." McKay waved at the screen. He was clearly at a loss. "Some things are up and running again. Others are still offline. It just doesn't make sense."
"Is anyone using Ancient technology that could be causing it?" Elizabeth knew she was suggesting possibilities that had probably already been rejected, but felt she had to ask.
Zelenka answered this time. "We halted all work on any Ancient technology that is not used in the basic running of essential systems and has not been thoroughly checked out."
"Yes, yes." McKay exhaled impatiently. "Only technology we know is safe is in use. We've tested everything twice, and we're testing again. Like I said, nothing."
"Okay, keep me informed." Elizabeth patted him on the shoulder and nodded at Zelenka then walked towards her office.
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Sheppard paced up and down the main room of the infirmary, nervously passing the rubber ball from one hand to the other. He glanced around the room on each pass.
"We believe we know what is causing the disruptions." Teyla looked at the faces around the room.
McKay was immediately skeptical then alarmed. "A Wraith? Do you sense a Wraith?"
"No, Rodney. I do not sense any Wraith." She turned and looked at Sheppard. Everyone's eyes followed hers. "We believe it is John."
"What? How could he…? No, that's not possible." McKay was now very skeptical. "Sheppard's had someone with him constantly since last night. He hasn't been near anything that would… He couldn't…"
"Rodney." Elizabeth stopped him. She looked at Teyla. "Why do you think it's John?"
"Because it happens whenever…whenever one of the more…intense…" Sheppard stopped pacing for a moment and looked down. He rubbed his forehead with his fingertips. The others waited for him. "Uh…like whenever I remember the Wraith feeding."
They watched him. This was the first time he spoke of what he had been reliving. He was pale and breathless. Beckett guessed his headache was much worse. He looked like someone on the edge of collapse.
McKay responded first. "How can you possibly be responsible for disrupting systems all over the City? We all know you have the strongest ATA gene, but you can't be doing this."
He looked up at them. "I want it to stop. I'm screaming in my head for it to stop."
"Still, I don't see how…"
"Give me a minute, Rodney. I'll probably be able to give you a demonstra…" He gasped as he dropped to his knees and hunched over. The room was plunged into darkness as he slammed his fist onto the floor.
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