A/N: Chapter 16 of Agent Reach is here! Time for the teamkilling fucktard and six pedals, four directions jokes! And to those who bet that it'll take a mere two more chapters before the Freelancers try to kill one of the Reds and Blues, you'll have to wait ;P

*Chapter 16*

Donut walked towards a pair of blue men standing outside the building, hoping to buy the things the bitch in black asked for. "Excuse me, sirs?"

The one holding the Sniper Rifle let out a frustrated sigh. "Rookie, if your ass is not back inside in the next three seconds, I can't be held responsible for what I'm going to do to you."

'The hell is his problem?' Donut wondered, having no idea what the guy was on about. "What did I do?" The man started to count down, his tone full of agitation. "One."

"Oh come on!" Donut tried to protest to no avail. The blue guy continued to count down, and he pulled the bolt back on his weapon. "Two."

"Fine!" Donut huffed, walking into the building. Inside, there was a pair of flags and another blue guy standing beside them. "Ah, hello sir!"

"Why is everyone so fucking rude in the canyon!?" Donut asked. The blue guy shrugged, looking at the flags. "I'm not sir. What can I do for you? I presume you're here for this."

'Shit. No headlight fluid or elbow grease? Just a few pieces of cloth?' Donut sighed. "Do you have any headlight fluid, or elbow grease?" The blue guy shook his head. "No sir. All we have here are these flags."

Donut let out a sigh. "Well, I can't go back empty-handed. I guess it'll have to do." The blue guy handed him both flags, and Donut grunted as he hefted both poles (Bow chicka bow wow) over his shoulders. "Oh man, I'm going to get so much shit for just bringing back these flags."

-0-

Church let out a sigh as Tucker continued to talk about his ultimate fantasy, which involved him, three Swedish chicks, and the tank. 'I swear to God Tucker, if you don't shut the fuck up about girls, I'm going to kick you from here to Sidewinder.' The rookie was dealt with, but with Flowers and Maine receiving the new equipment at Command, it was incredibly hard dealing with a Casanova wannabe as well as an annoying recruit. 'Maine, I could really use your damn knifle thing right about now.'

"Hey Church, sir? The General came by and picked up the flag!" the rookie called, making Church sigh and rub his temples. "Whatever moron!" He turned back to Tucker, only to freeze as he realized what just happened. "Wait, what did you say?" 'Shit…you have got to be fucking kidding me…'

The rookie explained the situation. "Yeah. He didn't look anything like us, and he picked up the flags after I explained we didn't carry headlight fluid or elbow grease."

Church took a series of deep breaths, trying his best to not strangle the kid where he stood. "So, let me get this straight. You gave this guy our flag?" The rookie nodded, although he could clearly sense that he had fucked up big time. "Is that bad?"

'I'm going to kill him slowly and very fucking painfully,' Church promised mentally. "Bad? Oh no, that's not bad. Next time, why don't you help him blow up the whole Goddamn base!?" 'He gave one of the Reds their flag back, as well as ours. Goddammit.' He looked through the scope of his Sniper Rifle, and he found the Red wandering the canyon. "Found him. He's wandering around the cliffs." He took a closer look, and he groaned. "Shit, look at his armor color. It's standard issue red."

"Great. That means it's that loony Sergeant," Tucker sighed. Church shrugged his shoulders as he zoomed in further with the rifle. "Well, that explains how he got through our defenses." 'How the hell did he even get over here without one of us seeing him?'

"He walked in through the back door where you two were standing," the rookie said dryly. Church let out a frustrated hiss, about to shoot the rookie. "Well, we'll take him out. Say goodbye, Sarge."

He fired four times, only for all the rounds to completely miss the Red soldier by quite a long shot. "Shit." He lowered the rifle, with Tucker staring at him quietly. "What?" 'If you're going to rub it in that I suck, then get it the fuck over with already.'

Tucker shook his head, sighing. "You are really not that good with that thing, are you?" Church lowered the rifle, now out of ammo. "Oh shut up. Let's take the tank and get our fucking flag back." 'Goddammit rookie…'

Tucker looked appalled, shaking his head. "Dude, I can't fucking drive! I'm not armor certified! I'm not even licensed to use the fucking Sniper Rifle!" Church's eyes widened under his helmet, surprised as how little qualifications they had. "Goddamn! Who the hell is running this army!?" 'Why would Command bother sending us a tank if no one here is able to drive it?'

When Tucker didn't answer the rhetorical question, Church sighed in exasperation. "Okay, let's use the teleporter to reach him." The teleporter was an experimental product, and it was still going under testing due to the possibly hazardous situation of accidently being teleported into space and suffering a very painful, slow, and suffocating death.

Tucker shook his head, backing up away from him. "Hell no. We haven't even tested it properly!" Church rolled his eyes. "Come on. We threw rocks through it!" Tucker sighed and looked uneasily towards the teleporter. "Yeah, but they were covered in black stuff!"

'Goddammit Tucker…it's just some sticky shit from it. Nothing else,' Church groaned. "Let me get this straight; you're scared of a little black stuff." Even as ridiculous as it sounded, Tucker nodded. "Yes. I'm scared of a little black stuff."

Church grabbed an Assault Rifle and aimed it at his teammate. "Tucker, I almost hate to do this to you." The aqua soldier gasped, backing away from the barrel of the rifle. "You wouldn't."

Church pulled the bolt back, loading the 7.62 round into the chamber. "Either we go through the teleporter, or I get to kill you. No matter what way you look at it, I win." Tucker let out a sigh of defeat. "For the record, I just want to let you know that rocks aren't people."

"Duly noted. Also know that while Captain Flowers and Maine are gone, I'm in charge. Now get your ass in there," Church ordered, not lowering the rifle. Tucker let out a groan before turning towards the teleporter. "Crap. Alright; one, two!" He walked through it, and he disappeared. Instead of reappearing on the other side though, nothing came through.

'Well…I might have accidently killed my own teammate. Oh well,' Church thought. He turned to the rookie, who was quiet for once. "Stay here. I'm going to get the fucking flag back."

-0-

Texas stood on the top of the base, Grif and Simmons next to her. The fat orange soldier held a Sniper Rifle in his hand, looking into the canyon. "I'm telling you, I heard four shots. It went, 'Bam, bam, bam'." Texas rubbed her temples, checking her Battle Rifle. "That's only three, dumbass." 'I hope that means the kid isn't dead. Reach did ask me to take the Puma and get him.'

"Bam," Grif sighed. Texas rolled her eyes, holding her hand out. "Give me the damn rifle." Grif quickly gave her the rifle, covering his crotch to prevent further damage, which would have been as permanent as a tattoo that read 'Bitch' on his ass. "Here!"

Texas sighed as she looked through the scope, and she saw something interesting. "Wait, it's Donut! And he has something…" She zoomed in further, and her eyes widened under her helmet. 'No fucking way…he got the flags!?' She lowered the rifle, looking at Simmons. "You two are coming with me in the Puma."

"Not the Warthog?" Grif asked cheekily, earning a hit in the groin from the butt of the Sniper Rifle. "FUCK!" Texas rolled her eyes and lowered the rifle, jumping down from the top of the base. "Oh quit bitching and let's go. And keep making jokes. That'll win the war."

-0-

Donut ducked as four shots rang over his head. "Son of a bitch!" He looked over to the other building, trying to wave at them. "Hey, don't shoot! It's me! The guy who bought the flags, remember!?" 'Whoever was shooting really sucks; how the hell could you not hit me at least once?'

A powder blue guy walked towards him, holding a Magnum. "Freeze!" Donut furiously brandished the flags, angry. "Why the hell were you shooting at me? You could have taken my head off!" 'I just wanted to fight some damn aliens; instead, I end up in the middle of fucking nowhere with a bunch of idiots and a bitch in black who clearly wants me dead.'

The man snorted, aiming the weapon. "Don't play dumb with me, Sarge. We've been spying on you for weeks!" Donut rolled his eyes, frustrated. "I'm not a fucking sergeant; I'm a Goddamn private!" The blue guy took a closer look, lowering the Magnum. "Wait a minute, you're not the sergeant!"

"Yeah, I just told you that!" Donut pointed out indignantly. The blue guy stepped closer to him, confused. "How the hell did you steal our flag?" Donut stared at the blue, confused as well. "What do you mean? I didn't steal anything. I bought this at the store."

"Three!" a guy shouted, appearing from nowhere and covered in black stuff. Donut and the mystery blue guy jumped in surprise. "Holy shit!"

"Son of a bitch! Tucker!? Is that you!?"

The mystery guy covered in black shit, now called Tucker, looked over at the other blue. "Church? Dude what took you so long?" He looked over at Donut and he raised his Magnum. "Freeze Sarge!"

'Not this again,' Donut groaned mentally. "Would you stop calling me that? I'm not a sergeant. I'm a private." Tucker looked at him in awe and confusion. "The sergeant's a private? Oh my God…the teleporter sent me back in time!"

Church and Donut looked at each other, confused as fuck as Tucker started to ramble on about some random bullshit. "Church, I know you're not going to believe me, but one day, you and I are going to be deployed here, and this guy becomes the Red Team's sergeant, and we spy on him, and I say, 'There's no way you can pick up chicks in a tank'!"

"Tucker, what the fuck are you babbling about?" Church asked, making Donut sigh. "Is this guy a retard?" 'Seriously, is everyone here either rude or a dumbass?' Church turned to him, annoyed. "Red, shut up."

He then turned to Tucker. "Tucker, listen. You haven't been sent back in time. This isn't the sergeant. He's just some damn rookie who wears the same armor as the sergeant." They began to hear some incredibly strange and very annoying music, which gradually increased in volume. Church then hissed in fury. "Goddammit! What is that music!?"

A vehicle carrying Donut's teammates then soared over the hill, the machinegun firing at the two, who ran for cover. The woman in black got out of the driver's seat, walking towards Donut. "Hello Private. We'll handle it from here." She drew a Battle Rifle from her back and fired two three round bursts, stopping as the two men vanished behind the cliff face. "Damn…"

"Would someone explain what the fuck is going on?" Donut asked, ducking under the machinegun's fire. The woman in black sighed and reloaded, pointing towards their base. "There's no time. Just go back to base with the flags!"

"Not until someone explains a few things!" Donut tried to protest, but the woman in black growled in annoyance. "JUST GET BACK TO BASE!" Donut grumbled and started to walk, only for the woman to sigh. "Other way."

Donut turned around, walking back towards their base. "I knew that. I just got turned around."

-0-

Texas sighed as she watched Donut walk towards their base. 'Maybe I was a little harsh on the kid…' She turned to Grif, who was still firing at the Blues with his Assault Rifle. "Keep the Blues pinned. I'll escort Donut to base." The orange soldier nodded, pausing to reload. "Yes ma'am."

Texas sprinted towards Donut, easily catching up to him. "Kid, wait up." Donut turned around, not too happy to see her. "What?" The black Freelancer fell in next to him, taking the Red flag from his hand. "Let me get it." 'I really was harsh on him…' "And I have a serious question. How did you get the flags? I mean, you can't just walk into an enemy base…"

Donut shrugged as they walked into the base. "I just asked for it. Is that supposed to work? I mean, I don't know…" Texas let out a laugh, smacking him on the back. "Holy shit…Reach is going to love this when he hears it. We were busy planning on starting a fitness regiment to whip you guys into shape before going in guns blazing."

Donut winced, rubbing his back. "Ow…" He placed the flag in the stand, and he walked away. "I'll be…in my quarters…" Texas nodded, placing the Red Team flag down. "Okay. And kid?"

"Yeah?"

"Nice work. I'll see the Lieutenant hears about it."

-0-

Grif stopped firing, but on the turret of the Warthog, Simmons kept firing. "Simmons!" When his maroon friend didn't stop shooting, he rolled his eyes and yelled louder. "SIMMONS!" Simmons stopped shooting, and he jumped down from the turret.

Grif sighed and reloaded his rifle. "Man, that thing is loud." Simmons seemed to have gone partially deaf from the gunfire, and he started to shout. "WHAT!?"

'Oh for fuck's sake…now he's deaf,' Grif face-palmed. "Keep it down! They'll hear you!" The last thing they needed was for the Blues to ambush them and kill them painfully. Simmons nodded, still shouting. "OKAY!"

"Goddammit…am I the only sane Private on this team?"

-0-

Tucker peered around the boulder to see that the Reds had stopped firing. "Psst, they've stopped firing." Church rolled his eyes, sighing. "Why are you fucking whispering?" 'It's not like the damn Reds can hear you; they'll be partially deaf from being right next to a heavy machinegun.'

"Um, I don't know," Tucker whispered. Church looked at the vehicle, creeping silently. "I'm going to go check it out and make sure it's safe."

-0-

Caboose got in the tank, starting it up. "Hello, and thank you for operating this Scorpion-class MBT main battle tank. You may call me Sheila." Caboose gulped as he looked at the controls. It seemed horribly complicated to drive, and the firing solution for the main cannon looked more difficult than launching the missiles from a nuclear submarine built during the Cold War era. 'Why can't there by a massive red button?' "Hello, Sheila. Big tank lady…"

"Would you like to go through the tutorial for safe operation of the Scorpion MBT?" Sheila asked. Caboose nodded frantically, for he was definitely not armor-certified and might accidently kill one of his teammates with the enormous cannon. "That would be lovely, please."

The tank rumbled into life, and Caboose started to drive away from the Blue Base. It was very hard to drive, as there seemed to be six pedals for controlling the tank. He accidently ended up on a rock, and he struggled to get it off of the rock. "Now that you have mastered driving the MBT, let's move on to more advanced maneuvers."

"No, no! Other way!" Caboose tried to turn the tank, only for it to nearly fall off the rock. He eventually got it facing the correct way, and he sighed. "Why are there six pedals when there are only four directions?"

He drove the tank without further incident across the canyon, eventually reaching the cliffs where Tucker and Church were pinned down. "Kill them now, Private. Obey your instincts, O'Malley," a strange voice whispered in his head.

Caboose shook his head, confused. 'What the hell was that? Who's O'Malley?' He couldn't recall meeting anyone strange, except for when he was on the ship to Blood Gulch. There, he met a MASSIVE man wearing blue/green armor, with a scary weapon and strange glowing people around him. But he couldn't remember much afterwards, until he ended up in Blood Gulch with the tank. 'Who was that guy? I don't recall him having a name…'

Caboose then stopped the tank in front of the two Red soldiers who had the strange jeep thing. 'Now…how the hell do you fire this damn thing?' Luckily for him, the tank was equipped with the friendliest interface known to human history. "This Scorpion is equipped with an auto-fire sequence, which is located on the left of the dashboard."

The two Red soldiers were staring at the tank, eventually deciding to run back to the Warthog. Caboose found the controls, and he switched them on. "Got it!"

"Manual firing sequence deactivated. Auto-fire sequence activated. Acquiring target." The tank locked onto the Warthog, just as the orange soldier was running away towards it. "Firing main cannon."

The cannon fired, and all hell broke loose. The Red underneath the tank's main cannon ducked, shocked. "Son of a bitch!" The orange guy next to the Warthog, who narrowly missed being killed, let out a louder scream. "SON OF A BITCH!" He didn't notice Church until now, who also ran away from the tank's cannon. "Son of a bitch!"

For some reason, the tank's cannon kept missing the Reds, and it fired just short of them multiple times, each time the interface repeating, "Firing main cannon." 'Is it going to say this every single time?'

-0-

Church took a close look at their savior encased in an armored tool of destruction. "Look, it's the rookie. And he brought the tank to scare off the Reds." As the tank's gun spun, Church had to admit that the annoying private had just saved his and Tucker's asses, even though they had treated him like shit. "Hey rookie! Good job man! How come you didn't tell us you knew how to drive a tank?" 'Wow…I never expected the kid to be this good. Maybe I should cut him a little slack…'

He heard a strange artificial voice speak. "Acquiring target." He then heard the rookie speak in confusion. "That's not a target. That's Church."

Church waved over towards him, trying to get his attention. "Yeah, it's me Church! What's going on man?"

-0-

Caboose tried desperately to stop the tank, but the thing seemed to have a mind of its own. 'No...no! Stop! Why won't you listen to me!?'

"Target locked," Sheila said in her monotone voice, making Caboose panic. The thought of accidently killing Church made him very frightened. "No, no! Target unlock! Please help me nice tank lady!"

"Firing main cannon."

"Uh oh."

-0-

Tucker grimaced as he heard the tank prepare to fire. "Uh oh." 'This is not going to end well…' Church looked down at the tank, confused. "Wait, what?" Then he sighed, not moving. "Oh, son of a-"

The tank fired, and the round struck Church, mortally wounding him. Tucker jumped back, shocked at witnessing his teammate's own death. "Holy fuck, Church! Talk to me!" 'Oh my God…what is Captain Flowers going to say when he hears about this?'

Angry, he shouted down to the rookie. "You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!" 'You asshole! You killed the wrong fucking guy!' The tank then turned around, driving away. As Tucker went to go chase him, he heard a weak cough. "Tucker…"

The aqua soldier turned around, trying to think of some way to help his fallen teammate. "Church! You're going to be okay." 'No, you're not. You just got shot by a fucking tank.' It was a bullshit lie, but it was the only thing he could think of saying in as dire of a situation as this.

Church shook his head, coughing. "No, no I'm not. There's…something I need to tell you." Tucker looked down, his eyebrows raised under his helmet. "What is it?" 'Knowing you, it's just going to be insulting and plainly obvious, like the rookie is a massive dickhole for shooting at you.'

"I just wanted you to know…that I hate you. I've always hated you the most," Church wheezed. Tucker sighed and rolled his eyes, not entirely surprised by his dying teammate's comments. 'I should have expected that…you fucking asshole.' "Yeah, I know. Now hurry up and die, you prick." 'I fucking hate you, too.'

"Okay. Euuuurgh," Church then went limp, and Tucker sighed before getting off of the cliff face. "Rookie! We're getting our flag back from the Reds! Bring the Goddamn tank, too!" 'Then, I'll have Maine strangle you to death before impaling you with that fucking knifle thing.'

The rookie turned around in the tank, and for some reason, he started shooting at the jeep. Every shot sent it closer to the Red Base, and Tucker let out a sigh. "Why are you shooting at the jeep?" 'Seriously, the damn thing is already ruined.'

"Because it's locked on!" the rookie said, frustrated. Tucker face-palmed, groaning. "Well, unlock it!" 'It can't be that hard to operate a fucking tank. It's not a fighter jet or anything.' The rookie shook his head as the cannon fired again. "The last time I tried that, I killed Church!"

"Oh…right. Keep firing at the jeep." 'And when we're done, I'm going to rub one out to some lesbian Swedes.'

A/N: Next up, Reach and Texas will have everything start off with a few…bangs (hears the boos for the shitty pun). No, really. First there's the tank to get rid of, and then there's a scheme Texas has involving a Plasma Grenade to maybe show our favorite Spartan just how obvious it is. Until next time!