A/N: Hey guys, I'm here with Chapter 23 of Agent Reach, featuring a few stoner movie jokes (Grandma's Boy mainly) and perhaps a shitty pun throughout. Also, I managed to get my first speeding ticket in my new car XD (going 78 in a 45 mph zone).

*Chapter 23*

Reach sighed as he walked on top of the Red Base. 'Why is South Dakota here? I know that Space Banshees are capable of a Slipspace transition, but Delta was out of range of both Eta and Sigma. Could they in fact have locked onto Alpha?' He held a Sniper Rifle in his hands, and he performed a quick sweep of the top of the canyon to make sure Wyoming wasn't lurking around. 'Not a thing. The bastard must have legged it after he was spotted.'

Reach lowered the long-range weapon, thinking of how he could possibly break Washington out of his prison. 'He'll be in the most secure cell in the prison, and heavily guarded. Tex and I can't do it alone, even with Maine with us. We'd be shot the minute we're spotted. Could we possibly…have to use the Reds for this?' He shook his head, dismissing the idea as completely and utterly ridiculous. 'No. Not in their current state, at least. They don't even know that they're all just simulation soldiers.'

"Hey," Texas's voice murmured from behind him, and the former Spartan could feel her press against his back. He turned around, only for his face to heat up as he saw what the black Freelancer was wearing. "Wow, what a great outfit. How much do clothes cost in the Matrix?" 'Goddammit…where the fucking hell did you find that in the middle of a desert canyon?' He was beginning to believe that the canyon just randomly had shit appear in it. Including a leather body suit.

"I found it in my room, meanie~." Texas stuck her tongue out at him, and Reach sighed as he looked through the scope of the Sniper Rifle again. "So…South Dakota's here, as well as Delta." 'For her to get Delta…either she had to kill York herself, which as we know didn't happen, or her and North managed to swipe him from the Meta. But if that's the case, then why isn't her twin brother with her? Something's not right about this.'

"I know. What worries me is the medical updates Sigma sent to Eta," Texas sighed. "Apparently, it looks as though the wounds she received got infected with something really nasty on the way here. How did they make the journey halfway across the galaxy?" Reach shrugged his shoulders, peering at the Blue Base through the scope. "It looks like she crashed a Covenant Space-Banshee here. Those are capable of making a Slipspace transition." 'But where the hell would one find an alien aircraft? One doesn't exactly find a Banshee in the middle of a car dealership.'

The former Spartan lowered the rifle, hoping that South would wake up soon and tell the story. "Eta, send me the report. I want to see the exact details." Eta opened the most recent medical report from the Blue Base, and Reach narrowed his eyes as he read it slowly. 'High fever and yet shivering, glazed eyes…damn. She's got something nasty. And she's been out for at least two hours with shock, even with the biofoam.' "I'll drive over with any supplies we can spare. Unless you feel like coming along, you're in charge of the base."

"Yay me," Texas grinned, cracking her knuckles. Reach rolled his eyes and gave her an intense stare, even though his helmet was on and negating its effect. "That's me being polite and telling you to get your goddamn armor on. We have a mutated psychopathic wind-up toy and a Wario-mustached British asshole trying to kill us. I don't need one of the best Freelancers to end up dead because she decided to wear a leather body suit that looks as though it belongs on Keanu Reeves." 'And partially because I don't need to approach the Blue Base with…goddammit. You've got to be shitting me.'

Praying that the blonde Freelancer wouldn't take any notice of the quite large changes in his codpiece, Reach tried to turn away and head downstairs to banish the incredibly lewd thought in his mind. 'Please don't look down, please don't look down…' Texas grabbed his hand, pressing up against him. "So…you finally admit I'm that good, hmmm~? Maybe you might find yourself getting something special~…"

'No, no, no! That image does not belong here!' Reach hissed to himself mentally. The innuendos that the blonde Freelancer kept dropping were getting worse and worse. Along with her incredibly shitty puns. "Can you not?" 'I don't need to have an image of me standing over you while on your knees. Especially now…'

Texas kissed his visor and stuck her tongue out at him, walking away downstairs. "Fine, hun~. I'll be waiting for you to get back~." Reach rolled his eyes, performing another quick sweep of the canyon walls to make sure Wyoming didn't decide to return and make another go at one of the Reds or Blues. 'Wyoming, you won't get away with what you did to Florida. If Maine doesn't shoot you first…'

He lowered the rifle again, placing it across his back and dropping downstairs. Simmons was standing guard next to the flags, and the maroon soldier snapped off a salute that was pretty crisp, which wasn't too surprising considering he seemed to be the only smart one on the Red Team. "Sir!"

Reach returned the gesture. "At ease, Simmons. Donut will be replacing your shift. I need you to keep a lookout on top of the base." He tossed Simmons the Sniper Rifle, who caught the weapon in his hands. "Keep an eye at the top of the canyon wall. If you see anyone wearing white armor, shoot first and ask questions later." 'Even if it isn't a fatal shot, Simmons should be able to inflict a wound if he hits the bastard.'

"Yes, sir!" Simmons ran to the top of the base, and Reach knocked on Donut's door, which was (for some ungodly reason) pink. 'At least it matches his fucking armor.' "Private Donut, it is time for your flag shift." 'I swear to God, he better not make another stupid sex joke. I get enough of that from Tex.' If it wasn't a pun that would make everyone within hearing range groan in frustration, it was something that would put a really dirty image in Reach's head.

"Coming!" Donut cried out, opening the door and skipping out, an Assault Rifle in his hands. "If anyone of the Blues tries to get the flag, they're going to be totally fucked!" The red/black Freelancer face-palmed at the not-very-well-hidden innuendo, sighing. "Don't make it weird. Just don't let them take the fucking flag." 'Goddammit. If he ends up tied up by either Sarge or Tex, I honestly won't be surprised.' The Sergeant and black Freelancer already invented one game where they made Donut try on a bulletproof codpiece and shot him in the dick with Magnums. A/N: XD Super Troopers joke)

As Donut bounded away and took his position, Reach opened the door to the medical room, searching for supplies that were able to be spared. 'Biofoam, Skelo-Grow, plenty of painkillers…' He moved the basic medications to the side, looking for something that would keep South dying from shock. 'Biofoam only pushes it aside for a bit. She needs something that'll get rid of it, as well as something for that damn fever.'

Finally, in the very back, he found a pair of things that had potential to get South back on her feet. 'Deltacillin...good for treating shock. As for this feverfew extract…apparently this is another experimental medicine.' "Eta, you got anything on these two?" 'Better make sure the side-effects aren't too big of a risk. I don't want to give her something that'll give her tuberculosis or some other deadly infection.'

"Affirmative. Both medications have passed ONI's rigorous tests, with no dangerous side-effects reported. The only worry with the feverfew extract may be unusual dreams and slight dizziness," Eta informed. "Apart from that, they're both incredibly effective."

'Good enough for me.' Reach grabbed both medications, closing the cabinet and locking it. "I'll take over to the Blue Base. Tex is in charge of the base while I'm gone, Simmons is on watch, and Donut's guarding the flags." Sarge and Grif were nowhere to be seen, but the former Spartan could hear the chubby orange soldier snoring loudly in his room, and he could hear the clanging of tools coming from Sarge's. 'I ought to make Tex get Grif off his ass…but at the same time, I don't want him to end up in the emergency room.' If there was one thing the perverted blonde Freelancer loved as much as teasing Reach in every dirty way possible, it was beating the living shit of the orange soldier.

"Shit. We've got a problem," Eta murmured. "Alpha's distress signal is still going off. If Delta was able to lock onto it, then the Meta will be able to, as well. We need to recover its body, ASAP." Reach grabbed a Battle Rifle, loading a clip in. "I'll grab it from the cliff on the way. Maine can't get it, with South in as bad of shape as she is." 'Or risk sending one of the morons on the Blue Team to fetch it without damaging it even more.' Though it was incredibly hard to find a way to damage something that was already shot by a Scorpion-class tank even further. Unless one shot it with a Shiva nuclear missile.

The former Spartan jumped into the Warthog (or as Texas insisted on calling it, the Puma), and he drove over to the canyon wall, picking up the Alpha's body. 'Good God…I forgot just how much a dead body reeks.' Reach threw the body into the back of the Warthog (PUMA) and drove over to the Blue base. He pulled up, walking in with the supplies in his hands. "Maine, it's me." Reach heard a low hiss, and he saw Maine standing over the unconscious South, his hands slick with her blood. "So, no changes?" 'The heat waves are tremendous…even with the base's temperature set lower, she's burning up.'

Maine shook his head, motioning to the medications in Reach's hands. The former Spartan crouched down to South's side, opening the feverfew extract. "Open her mouth. This is our best option right now." He had never been a great medic, but he knew enough to keep someone from dying in the field. And in the field, someone almost always got injured. 'After these treatments, we have no other choice but to wait.'

Maine gently pried the wounded Freelancer's mouth, and Reach let the extract trickle in. "Make sure she swallows it." From inside the Blue Base, he heard a weak cry of, "Bow chicka bow wow," prompting Maine to growl and hiss in annoyance. 'You've got to be shitting me. I didn't know I brought Tex along with me.' He tilted South's head to let the extract go down before opening the shock medication, giving her a dosage.

The massive Freelancer stomped away with an irritated growl, and Reach and Eta looked at each other as they heard several dull thumps, followed by a series of annoyed hisses from Maine and weak protests from the unfortunate Blue soldier who decided to make the comment.Reach sighed and gently massaged South's throat, making sure she didn't accidently choke on it and die a really unpleasant death. "Well, that's predictable. Delta, are you there?" 'I have a feeling Maine's tempted to kill him already.'

The green AI flashed up, nodding. "Affirmative. It's nice to see you're still alive and in one piece. I don't think you're just here to pop a visit." Eta shook his head, glancing over at Sigma. "Sadly, no. We've come to see if this medication we found in the Red Base will help South Dakota recover from this. Sig, did you guys manage to find out anything else?"

"Not a thing. South hasn't regained consciousness since crashing that Banshee here," Sigma answered. "The fact that you locked onto Alpha's distress signal is worrying. If we don't get it from the cliff and disable it, then the Meta can track us here." Reach walked outside, glancing up at the canyon wall briefly before grabbing Alpha's body and reentering. "I picked it up on the way here. Eta, I'll leave to you. I need to make sure Maine hasn't actually killed that idiot." 'Judging by the impacts, I'm going to guess it was a heavy steel ball that fell onto his head, followed by several slaps.'

He entered the room, where he was not surprised to find out he was right. "Nice to see you beat your own soldier with a Brute Shot. And where the fuck did you get a steel ball in the middle of a desert canyon?" 'This canyon has some really weird shit going on…first a black leather body suit, now a steel ball. What's next?'

Maine stopped repeatedly smacking the dazed Blue, shrugging his massive shoulders. He then picked up the soldier and threw him onto a bed before leaving, growling softly. Reach shook his head, sighing. 'I think Maine's going to murder him within a week and blame it on the tank.' "What a fucking idiot…"

They returned to see South was looking a bit better. Her face wasn't anywhere near as pale, and her breathing was slowly returning to normal. 'The heat waves aren't as bad, either. I guess this shit works.' But upon closer inspection, he could see that her eyelids were moving rapidly, and her arms twitched ever so slightly. 'Damn. The unusual dream side-effect is kicking in. Still, it's not like we had much of a choice. It was either we take this small chance or have her die and live with the guilt.'

Reach turned to the three AIs, who were trying to shut down Alpha's distress beacon. "How's it going?" Sigma shook his head, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "Not good. We need a certain keyword to disable it, and we can't hack our way in. The only damn thing it's saying is, 'Give the name of the cursed'. What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

'I've got a really bad feeling about this,' Reach sighed as he walked over to the body, crouching down. "Let me see…name of the cursed, huh? I've got an idea." 'It's either me or Tex. But the Director doesn't know my name. It's her.' "Try 'Allison'. I think it'll work." 'If it doesn't, then I'm fucking beat out of ideas.'

Eta put in the keyword, sighing in relief as a soft voice rang out. "Keyword accepted. Distress beacon system disabled." Reach stood up, flexing his fingers. "Nice work. Now the Meta can't track us down here." 'But if he did, he'll find that we are more than ready to fight him.'

He then turned to Maine, beckoning for him to follow. "Maine, come here a sec. There's something I need to talk to you about." 'We need to get Wash out of prison. He hasn't done anything wrong, as far as I know.' The massive white Freelancer followed him, and once they were out of earshot, the Red Leader sat down. "Tex and I received confirmation that Wash is in jail. I've been thinking this over, and I've decided on this."

Maine raised an eyebrow, and Reach met his gaze evenly. "We're breaking Wash out of there."

-0-

Washington followed Massachusetts to the Chairman's office, sighing. "Just how the fuck do you think this is going to work? I've tried to strike a deal with him, and look at where that got me." 'Unless she gives him a blowjob, I don't see it working at all.'

The blue/white Freelancer didn't look back, stopping in front of the Chairman's office. "Easily. I'll make him a deal he just can't refuse. If that doesn't work, then I guess I'll work my magic on him. Men like him are easily swayed by a pretty lady." The black/gold Freelancer nearly stopped dead, rolling his eyes. "Right. So if I grow a pair of boobs I can bullshit my way out here?" 'What the fuck...why do I have to sit and rot in a prison while my friends are either killed or suffering the same fate?'

"Just shut up and let me do the talking. That's probably what got your ass locked up in the first place," Massachusetts said dryly. She knocked on the door, running a hand through her brown hair. "Chairman, it's me. I have a proposition for you that I believe you will find most interesting."

"Enter, Recovery Two," the Chairman invited silkily. Massachusetts opened the door, and both imprisoned Freelancers stepped inside, closing it behind them. The Chairman swiveled around in his chair, his hands folded neatly in his lap. "Ah, I see you've brought along Recovery One as well, Agent. Now, what is this proposition you have? Surely it's not for saving your own skin, is it?"

"No sir. This is about making sure the Director pays for committing the war crimes he did," Massachusetts replied. "Agent Washington and I will hunt down the AI Epsilon, who became metastable during implantation and has since gone missing, and the Meta."

The Chairman's eyebrows rose in curiosity, and Washington looked at her in shock. "You can't be fucking serious! That mutated wind-up toy has already murdered two of the best Freelancers! How the hell do you expect us to kill that damn psychopath!?" 'Hunt down the Meta!? What is she, crazy?'

The blue/white Freelancer didn't seem fazed as she met his grey eyes evenly. "For one, only Carolina has been confirmed killed. Agent Texas is still considered MIA, along with Maine and that newbie Reach. Secondly, I am serious. All the databases on the Mother of Invention that held any sort of data that would incriminate the Director have been wiped clean. The only evidence left is the Meta, for he underwent several procedures that violate the Mortal Dictata Act. If we can manage to kill him and bring his body back, we can form a hit-squad to move onto finding the Director."

Washington shook his head, sighing. "This is fucking ridiculous…take out the Meta? Even Carolina couldn't defeat that thing! What possible chance do we have of surviving?" 'Wait…could the Meta have been the one to kill York? That would explain why the helmet and Delta were missing! That bastard's been going around, picking us off one by one and stealing our AIs!'

"I never said anything about us living afterwards," Massachusetts answered softly. "If it's our time to go, then there's no use running away from fate. I'd rather die fighting than die rotting in a cell. At least we can go out the way we're supposed to as soldiers, knowing we tried our best." The Chairman nodded slowly, his lips curving up in a smile. "I see…so, you want to make sure the Director does indeed receive judgment for his actions, and save your pride in the process. Hmm…to be quite honest, I do like this proposition. Very well, Agent Massachusetts. I accept."

Washington's eyes widened in surprise, and the blue/white Freelancer nodded politely. "Thank you, sir. We will report to you via COMs every other day to keep you up to date on our progress. If we go more than two days without communicating you, then assume we have been killed in action."

The Chairman chuckled and swiveled back around to view the screen in front of him. "I see. And if you happen to come across the Director, then do make sure he comes back here in one piece. It has been far too long since he and I had a nice, long chat."

"Yes, sir." Massachusetts beckoned for Washington to follow her as they left the office, smiling to herself once the door was closed. "Told you. Truth be told, I want to get out of this mess as much as you. But for now, we play by the Chairman's rules until we have enough leverage on him and he has no choice but to let us go. Phase One of this mission has just begun."

"Wait, Phase One? What does that mean?" Washington asked, confused. 'What the hell is she planning? Surely she's not trying to be brave and put the Chairman in a position where we have him by the balls? He's just going to get pissed off at us and order our execution.' The blue/white Freelancer shook her head, laughing softly. "You'll learn it for yourself, Washington." She turned away and led him away, looking outside.

"Once this mission is over…"

A/N: And that wraps up this chapter. I'm still debating on whether or not to put smut in (the ships of ReachxTexas and SouthxMaine have already set sail), and some responses have gotten me to laugh (including one suggestion to make it shower smut lol), but I think it'll have to be around the pivotal chapter 25. See you!

P.S. (SPOILERS) You are really going to fucking hate me for what I do in the next chapter, but it's an idea I've been playing with for the last three months.