With a great effort of will, Michaela kept her boiling emotions under control. Following the other townsfolk towards Grace's Café, she dismissed every thought about Sully, at least for the moment. Suddenly feeling exhausted beyond all measure again made it difficult to force her legs to move. She was far away from being recovered from the past few tumultuous weeks and she knew she had to use her strength sparingly. Hannah needed her right now and she wanted to be there for Loren as well. A light dizziness made her miss a step. Stumbling, she almost fell. Embarrassed, she looked around if anyone had noticed and momentarily met Hank's gaze.
The barkeeper had accidentally witnessed the exchange between Sully and the doc. He had never thought much of Sully, and how he had treated Michaela a few moments ago reaffirmed the saloon owner's opinion. Not that he was highly sensitive himself, but when he had carried Michaela into the clinic two days ago, something inside of him had been touched. Something about that woman was different, he just couldn't name it. And that soft hair of hers had tickled his forearm… Only a few steps away from her, he sensed when she stumbled and was ready to rush to her aid again. But meeting her eyes he knew, she didn't need any help. Not as long as she could walk by herself. Looking over her shoulder he saw how Sully left the graveyard and went towards the woods. "I sure hope he ain't gonna need as much time again to come back." His tone was mocking. Answering Michaela's questioning look he explained, "The last time I saw him acting like that, he needed more than a year to find his way to town again." Michaela knew that the saloon owner was only partly joking with his remark. Stopping, she turned around to watch Sully disappear into the woods.
Charlotte and Colleen, who carried Hannah, had decided to wait for Dr. Mike. When the three of them eventually walked again towards the café, the midwife assured her friend, "Don't you worry, the last time there were other circumstances. He hadn't slept for days, refused to eat and to speak. This time he was just reminded of the sad events in those days."
Michaela let the midwife's words sink in. As a doctor she immediately recognized the signs when she heard them summed up. Disturbed sleep, lack of appetite, refusal to talk; it must be melancholia. When she and her father had treated injured soldiers in an army hospital after the war, she had seen many cases of it. Other signs were mood swings, fits of rage and physical complaints. Sadly enough, she had first-hand experiences with his rage. Regarding the physical discomforts, she had to talk to Cloud Dancing. Feeling a part of her energy returning, Michaela was confident that not everything was lost.
Hannah didn't know what to do. All those black-dressed people with the grim faces frightened her. And her Pa had been angry, she had heard his voice because she had waited for him to come with her Ma. Had it been her fault? Paula had said if she talked to her Pa he would be angry and he sure was now. And her Ma's face was awful white. Could she be sick again? Propping her thumb into her mouth she leant back onto Colleen's shoulder and started to weep silent tears.
Michaela immediately reacted. She took her little girl from Colleen to carry her by herself. Pausing in her walk she gently lifted Hannah's chin so they could lock their eyes. "Is it about Grandma?"
The question was answered with a shake of the head. "About Pa?" The nod was followed by even more tears.
"Sweetheart, your Pa will be back. He only needs some time to be alone." Michaela watched if that reply was enough to calm Hannah down. It wasn't. Between heavy sobs the concerned mother discerned the words, "Me bad."
Hugging her child close, Michaela tried to sooth her. "Oh sweetheart, you are not bad and you've never been. What makes you say that?"
Between hickups the name Paula was heard. Puzzled, the doctor looked at Charlotte. "Who is Paula?"
Colleen was eager to explain. "That was an awful nanny Sully brought into town. But he sent her home again. She was really mean towards Hannah." Stepping closer, Colleen caressed her little friend's soft blond hair.
For a moment Michaela stood in bewilderment. It seemed that pretty much had happened during the time she and Sully had been apart. But that wasn't important right now. She had to take care of a distressed little girl. Bending back so she could see her face again, Michaela told Hannah, "Listen to me, sweetheart. Nothing of what had happened was your fault. Nothing at all. And you are the best little girl I've ever met. I am very happy to have you in my life. So is your Pa. Never ever doubt that. Alright?" The sobs slowly decreased.
A shy smile crossed the tear-stained face. "Me not bad?"
Michaela pulled her back against her chest. "Of course not. I love you, sweetheart."
Hannah sighed in relief. Her Ma had assured her she was a good girl. That meant, she could talk to her again without the fear of making her sick. And when she could talk to her Ma, she didn't have to be frightened anymore. All would be well again, she was sure of that now.
Sully had lost track of time. He roamed through the woods without a purpose. When it had become dark he became aware that he was near his lean-to. It seemed his instincts still worked, he thought sarcastically. Exhausted by the emotional turmoil inside of him, he let himself fall onto the furs which still lay there. But everytime he let his lids drop, Michaela's hurting eyes appeared. He didn't want to think about her, he didn't want to think at all. A man like him didn't deserve a woman's love. His wife was dead because of him, Michaela was hurting and his daughter would know he had abandoned her again. He was no use for anyone. They all did better without him. These were the only thoughts he had on his mind all night long. When dawn neared, he left his lair and started to roam again.
Michaela was on her way towards the reservation. She had made the decision to go there the evening before. Sully hadn't been seen again since the funeral and if he suffered from melancholia, she wanted him to be found so he could get the help he needed.
When she reached the edge of the Cheyenne village, she stopped Bear. Taking in the sight of the teepees, a disturbing thought crossed her mind. What if he had just decided to go back to his Indian family and live with them? She would make a fool of herself. Momentarily closing her eyes, she prepared herself for what she could find. She was here as the doctor and nothing else.
Eventually entering the village, she was immediately recognized and greeted. The Indians respected her for all she had done for them so as bringing food for the children and medicine against the White Man's desease; but since she had saved Chief Black Kettle's life, they admired her.
Hearing the commotion, Cloud Dancing stepped out of his teepee. After Michaela had pulled her horse up in front of him, he helped her down. "Haho, Dr. Mike. It is good to see you again."
Michaela smiled. Immediately feeling relaxed in his presence, she replied, "I'm very glad to see you as well."
But his next inquire brought the tension back. "How is my brother?"
With that her hopes were crushed and the concern for Sully's health returned. "Actually, I had hoped to find him here with you."
The medicine man looked at her in bewilderment. "Why do you hope that?"
Michaela knew it would be hard for Cloud Dancing as well. "He disappeared two days ago, after the funeral of Abigail's mother."
The Indian's face clouded over. The medicine man and the doctor gazed at each other in common concern. Michaela startled when she suddenly heard Flying Sun's voice. "I know where he is. I will bring him home."
For a split second, Cloud Dancing saw the hurt in Dr. Mike's eyes before she turned around to face the Indian woman. Not giving Michaela the chance to say anything, Flying Sun added, "I will go alone. He will only listen to me."
Now Snowbird joined the group. She was angry with the young woman. "I've told you…"
But Michaela stopped her with a gentle touch on her arm. "That's alright, Snowbird. We have to find him as soon as possible."
A triumphant smile crossed Flying Sun's face. Without another word she turned and left towards the woods.
Snowbird was symphatetic with her friend. "That must be difficult for you. When you were here the last time…"
Michaela didn't want to talk about it and hastily assured, "This is not important right now. I'm sure Sully suffers from melancholia and the longer he is alone out there the more dangerous it will be for his health. Any other problems don't count at the moment."
Snowbird slowly nodded. "I understand. Will you wait with us for their return?"
Michaela wasn't quite sure yet. What if her presence made it worse for him? But what if he needed her?
Cloud Dancing regarded Dr. Mike intently. She was an amazing woman, he thought. His wife had told him about the incident with Flying Sun. But nevertheless, the white woman was here now only thinking what would be best for his brother. If he wanted to help her with her decision, he had to know how things were between his friends. "Dr. Mike, is there something else we should know?"
Michaela instantly blushed. This was all Cloud Dancing needed for an answer. Smiling, he suggested, "You should stay, he will need you."
But Michaela had made up her mind. "But my presence might make it more difficult for him. He shouldn't have to consider how his disappearance affected me or his daughter, at least not right away. And I don't want to leave Hannah alone too long, it is already difficult for her to understand why her Pa vanished again. I'm not quite sure if I convinced her that this isn't her fault."
Cloud Dancing nodded. "I see. I will ask the spirits for help. When do we see you again?"
Michaela contemplated her options. She awaited the new teacher with the stagecoach at noon. In the afternoon she had a few appointments and then it would be too late for coming out here again because she didn't want Hannah to go to bed without her. Like she had said a few minutes ago, her little girl took Sully's absence hard and needed her Ma by her side.
Looking up to meet the medicine man's eyes she explained, "I can't be here till tomorrow at the same time. I have to think of Hannah first. I'm sure Sully will understand."
Sully had sought comfort in the peace of the woods, at his usual places. It hadn't helped. So he didn't pay any attention to his surroundings anymore and just walked on. The pain behind his eyes made it difficult to see, but he was still moving soundlessly. When suddenly a twig snapped under his moccasin, it was as if someone had slapped him awake. Immediately stopping, he looked around. He knew that place and he knew why the sound from before had brought him back into reality. Here he had seen Michaela for the very first time and a snapping twig had made her turn around so he could see her face. Her beauty had taken his breath away and he had considered her an angel. He didn't even know then that she raised his daughter and was the kindest character one could only wish to meet.
Michaela! His heart screamed for her. He didn't know what was worse, the feeling that he was betraying Abigail or the knowledge that he had hurt Michaela again. He was sure he had ruined everything.
Sitting down on her log, Sully buried his face in his hands. He couldn't allow losing her. He wanted to be with his daughter and he needed Michaela in his life. How was he to repair the damage?
Suddenly becoming aware that he was hungry beyond all measure he wondered how long he had been away. What should he do? Go straight back to the homestead, hoping that she would forgive him? Could she? He needed advice and there was only one person who could give it to him. Sully stood up and walked into the direction of the reservation.