A/N: Chapter 27 is here, and with one of my all-time favorite RvB jokes; the 'Alone Time' skit from Season 9 Episode 1 (or so I think) involving Tucker, Caboose, and instead of Epsilon, it's South. And a funny bit between Wash and Massachusetts.

*Chapter 27*

South walked up to Maine, who was using a machine to sharpen the blade on his Brute Shot. "Maine, where the hell is the damn flag? Shouldn't there be a Blue Flag right in the center of the base?" 'Let me fucking guess: Tex thought it would be funny to have two poles to tease Reach with and stole it for her striptease. Or, the Reds stole it because they think they're the better team.'

"Currently, the Red Team is in possession of it," Sigma answered, Maine continuing his sharpening process. "Are you thinking of maybe stealing it back and putting one of the Reds out? I'm sure Reach would love to have one of the Reds in the hospital to ease his headache."

South gave a small smile, wiping a hand over her visor. "If you'd let me. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to go off into the Red Team's territory, infiltrate their base, and steal our flag back without notifying Reach or Tex first." 'I don't think either of them will be amused without notification to find out the captured flag is gone.'

"You don't exactly have to worry about either of them." To her surprise, Eta flashed up beside Sigma, grinning. "Both of them are currently too occupied with each other, if you know what I mean." Maine let out a deep, amused grumble, running a hand over the blade to make sure it was sharp to perfection. South put her hands on her hips, trying not to snicker at the thought of the other two Freelancers having sex inside their base. "Well…that sounds amusing. So, am I allowed to go and get our flag back? I don't think Tex needs two poles to dance on when she's got Reach."

Outside, a chuckle of, "Bow chicka bow wow" was heard from Tucker, and Maine grabbed a paint grenade before throwing it, growling in irritation. The grenade detonated, and South rolled her eyes as she heard the aqua blue soldier cry out, unable to move. "Goddammit! Not more of this stupid pink paint shit!"

'Moron…' South thought in annoyance, picking up a Battle Rifle. "I'll get our flag back. Eta, don't let Reach or Tex know. They'll be annoyed to have their sex interrupted." 'Hell, I would be pissed off if someone interrupted me while I was in heat. They'd be lucky to get away without at least something broken.'

Maine nodded, walking outside to probably beat Tucker with the blunt side of his Brute Shot, and South flexed her fingers, prepared to beat up a few of the Reds. 'Morons won't know what hit them. I'll leave Reach and Tex a note to let them know why the Blue Flag isn't in their base.' "Delta, do you think we'll run into anything that'll be difficult at the Red Base?"

"Negative. With Reach and Texas currently busy, the most we'll have to deal with are the Red soldiers themselves," the green AI answered bluntly. "For a Freelancer, they're nowhere close to a challenge." South laughed to herself, loading a series of paint rounds into her Magnum. "Perfect. I doubt they'd capture us, but in case something happens, deactivate yourself to prevent the idiots from attempting to try and hack you." 'Again, doubtful. But I can't afford to let Delta fall into enemy hands. Even if they're not exactly enemies or hostile…'

South made her way across Blood Gulch, the intense heat of the desert canyon making her sweat more than normal. "Dammit. My AC unit's starting to fail." 'Of all the fucking times for the AC unit to start not working properly, it decides to malfunction in the middle of the goddamn desert. What perfect timing.'

"We'll repair it once we get back to base." Delta replied, not worried since he was an AI and unable to feel heat stress. "It's probably a small fix that can be done within five minutes. However, it might mean more than twenty minutes of nonstop sweating in the middle of a desert canyon without water. Don't strain yourself."

"I'll try not to." South blinked sweat from her eyes, preparing a paint grenade. 'It feels as though it's about 130 degrees.' As she approached the Red Base, she saw a trio of the Reds standing on top of the base, seemingly just standing around pointlessly and talking. 'It's almost a déjà vu moment with these morons…'

She drew the grenade from her belt and threw it, only for her eyes to widen as it activated. 'Shit! It's a Plasma Grenade!' The grenade stuck to the pink soldier's head, who didn't seem to notice until the maroon one said something. "Hey, Donut? You've got something on you."

"What is it? Is it a spider? Get it off!" the pink soldier cried out. South nearly coughed in laughter as she realized that the pink soldier on the Red Team wasn't a girl like Tucker and Caboose thought. It was a fucking dude. 'Oh my fucking God…and he's called DONUT!? Why the fuck is a guy wearing pink armor!? Or is he gayer than the Jonas Brothers?'

"No, dude. It's not a spider. It's just some…weird blue thing. It's not doing anything," the fat orange soldier reassured. As soon as those words left his mouth, the Plasma Grenade detonated, and the pink soldier lay on the ground, either dead or unconscious.

South sucked her teeth before going inside the base, picking up the Blue Flag. "Alright. Got it." 'That ought to keep those morons busy while I nick this damn flag.' She then heard a pair of doors open, and two more of the Reds approached, their weapons pointed at her. "Fuck."

"Don't move now, honey," the man with the Shotgun growled, loading it. "I've had enough bad experiences with women in this goddamn canyon." South rolled her eyes, and the fat orange soldier came in, panting. "Sarge! We've got to get Donut out of here!"

"Can you put that in a memo and label it, 'Shit I already know'!?" the Sergeant roared in irritation, sending the orange soldier running away. The blue/green Freelancer, seeing an opportunity to get out, spun the flag pole around to trip the brown soldier to the ground. "Sorry, but girls don't always play nice." 'I can easily take these two idiots. I don't have to worry about the other morons for now.'

The brown soldier fell on the floor, his body sparking. The red Sergeant spun around, firing his Shotgun and missing. "Dammit! You made my robot malfunction!" South jabbed the end of the flag pole into his chest, twirling it and slamming it down on the man's head. "Oh, shut up. I'm just here to get something you stole." 'This trigger-happy moron built a robot? I thought the maroon one was the technology dork.'

The Sergeant grunted in pain, stumbling and backing into the wall. "Dammit! Not this bullshit again!" South caught him in the jaw with the flag pole, and with one powerful swing, knocked him into his brown robot. "Don't feel bad about getting the shit kicked out of you by a girl. You'll get used to it eventually." 'I think I need to tell Tex to beat them more often…though judging by the dents in that fat guy's armor, I think she has her preferred target for low budget sex changes.'

The red Sergeant slumped to the ground, and South gave the brown robot a small jab to keep it down. "Sorry. But we want our flag back." 'Now, where the hell is a pen? I have to leave a note for Reach and Tex.' Delta let out a scoff, unblinking as he looked at the unconscious Red soldiers. "Not bad. I think someone needs more training to put up a half-decent fight." The blue/green Freelancer found a pen, and scribbled out a quick note before leaving it on the brown robot. "They'll need to get that pink idiot to a hospital. Unless Tex wants him dead." 'The kid has two broken wrists, and now got blown up by a Plasma Grenade. If he survives, then I'll be surprised.'

-0-

Massachusetts landed the Pelican on Sandbox's surface, looking over her shoulder. "We're here." 'Hot as hell, and empty for miles. It's nothing but a giant dust ball of a desert, with a few oasis scattered around. Yet, there is an abandoned temple that the Covenant hinge-heads used to worship their gods before they glassed our worlds. It shouldn't be used, but if they are, I'll give them a lead welcome.'

"Good God, it's fucking hot," Washington groaned, holding a hand up to shield his face. "I think I've already sweated so much that my cooling fans are short-circuiting." The blue/white Freelancer rolled her eyes, sighing. "We haven't even been in the fucking desert that long!" 'He complains about everything to no end. But…I can't leave him to die yet. He's more useful to me alive.' "Quit your bitching. There's an oasis not far from here, where we'll set up camp."

"Thank fuck…" Washington murmured, lifting a Battle Rifle. "I don't want to be stuck in the middle of a desert without a source of water." Massachusetts performed a quick sweep of the sandy dunes with her DMR, her eyes narrowing as she spotted the oasis. "It's at least a mile or so. We should be there within twenty, maybe thirty minutes depending on our pace." 'Trying to sprint there in this heat is too reckless. And as much as I hate to admit it, my cooling fans are feeling the strain as well.'

"Oh yay," Washington yawned, falling in behind Massachusetts. "I'm always up for a good hike. Especially when I'm in my absolute favorite place." The brunette let out a sigh, placing her rifle across her back. "Oh, just shut up…seriously, are you on your period or something? I don't think I brought any Tampax with me." 'With the amount of bitching he does, he might as well be a teenage girl.'

"Oh fuck you. Not everyone likes being roasted to death while being forced to do the Chairman's dirty work," the black/gold Freelancer grumbled in irritation. "I can't believe I got caught up in this mess…" Massachusetts tinted her visor to cut down the glare of the sun, and she set off at a reasonable pace to prevent Washington from complaining even more. "Come on. If you know anything about Sandbox, then you definitely don't want to get caught here at night." 'Dammit. We arrived too close to sunset. Those damn serpents are going to be active soon.'

At night, several species of incredibly venomous snakes became active. One bite from any of them was enough to kill a person in less than ten minutes, without the antidote. And Massachusetts didn't plan on running into any of them.

"Yeah, I know. There's a bunch of snakes here that are more than capable of killing us," Washington returned dryly. "It's almost like being in Australia." The brunette woman chuckled, the two of them crossing the dunes in a hurry. "Yeah. I already know how it feels to be bitten by a poisonous snake. An Eastern Brown, to be exact. It fucking sucks." 'I was lucky to survive that. If it weren't for someone having the antidote, I'd be six feet under.'

"Seriously? How the hell are you even alive?" Washington asked in shock. Massachusetts shrugged, sweat running down her face and back. "Dunno. Luck, I guess." 'This heat is going to drive one of us crazy. In fact, I think it already has…the kid has no goddamn endurance at all.' "There should be a canteen in your pack. Drink if you need to."

Washington took off his helmet, panting. His black hair was sticky with sweat, with several beads running into his grey eyes. "What I would give to be free and in a luxury inn right about now…" He looked at the canteen with a careful eye, not sure if he should take a drink or not. "This isn't poisoned or tainted, is it?"

"No," Massachusetts sighed. "I wouldn't gain anything from doing that. There's no way I can defeat the Meta by myself." 'Jason…I never wanted it to be this way. But I have to use him in order to keep him from being suspicious or asking too many questions.' "You're way too uptight, too. Who the hell are you trying to impress? We're in the middle of the biggest desert in the galaxy."

"Once a soldier, always a soldier," Washington returned, taking a drink and spraying a bit on his face to cool down. "It tends to stick when you have it beaten into you for years." He handed the canteen over to the brunette, who took off her helmet as well. "Thanks. I don't plan on fainting out here." 'If either of us passes out while searching for this stupid temple, then we'll have a problem. We'll be lucky not to die from heat stroke or dehydration.'

The water was slightly warm, but considering that she was in the middle of a desert planet, it tasted as though it came from a rocky mountain waterfall that very day. 'So much better...' Massachusetts wiped her face, breathing hard. Her face was flushed from the heat, and she continued to keep her legs moving as they crossed the burning sands. "We're almost there. I'd suggest keeping shifts, but in this heat…" 'Even at night, it stays hot as hell. The only cool spots are by the oasis.'

The two Freelancers reached the oasis, and Washington slumped down as he saw the fresh water. "Thank fuck…I could sleep for a month and a half." Massachusetts rolled her eyes, throwing down a pack containing supplies. "Don't get too excited. Either you have to keep watch or cook. And since I can't cook to save my life…" 'It's such a lie. I could cook just about anything if I felt like it, except for salmon with miso sauce. I never got to master that.'

"Fuck me," the black-haired Freelancer groaned. "Do you want me to wear a maid outfit or something?" Massachusetts laughed at the amusing thought, shrugging. "Don't tempt me. I actually like the sound of that."

"…I hate my life."

-0-

South placed the flag back in the Blue Base, blowing her silver-blonde hair away. "That was easy. Maine, I got the flag from the Red Team." The massive white Freelancer let out a growl of appreciation, and he strode from his room, where South had to bite back a laugh. 'Oh my God…what the hell happened to his face? It looks as though he ran out of shaving cream.'

Maine hissed in annoyance, for half of his face was clean shaven, while the rest had a bit of dark stubble on it. He then held up a waxing strip to place on the scruffy side of his face, making sure it was flat. South looked at him in confusion, trying to tune out the two idiots outside. "Um…may I ask what the hell you are doing with a wax strip? Aren't those used by girls who are self-conscious about their bikini line?" 'What the fucking hell? Did he lose a bet or something? Or is he just out of shaving cream and has to do this?'

Maine grumbled before ripping it off, removing all of the hair from his face. He tossed the wax strip into the garbage, walking outside to set up some targets for practice. South shook her head, going out to make sure the two idiots didn't shoot themselves. "I almost wish I went into medical school and became a coroner." 'It's the easiest job in the world. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst fucking thing that could happen? If shit went wrong, then maybe you'd get a fucking pulse.'

The blue/green Freelancer stopped as she heard the two dumbasses talking about the pink guy she hit with a Plasma Grenade. "Yeah dude, I think that pink chick might have to go to the hospital!"

'What a pair of morons…' South groaned as she walked over to them, her arms folded. "That's actually not a girl. That's a guy. He just wears pink armor." 'Fifty credits that this guy sat down to masturbate to what he thought was a girl but turned out to be a guy.'

"Fuck. I feel pretty awkward about something I did while you were getting the flag back," Tucker said in shame, holding his head in embarrassment. Caboose then chimed in, "During 'Alone time'," making South incredibly suspicious. 'I fucking knew it. This asshole had his hand down his pants to play with his below-average dick.'

"What the fuck were you doing?" she growled, not expecting an answer. No straight dude would admit to masturbating to a bloke they thought was a girl. Unless they simply gave no fucks about what people thought.

"Hey, it's one of the rules of the cliff. 'What happens in Alone Time stays in Alone Time'," Tucker said, looking down. South rolled her eyes, looking at Caboose. "What the hell do you during Alone Time? The same thing as this asshole?" 'Please tell me he wasn't going in on some sort of stupid circle jerk…'

"Oh, I like to do the same things we do during 'Together Time', except by myself," Caboose answered cheerfully, making Tucker sigh. "Another privilege of Alone Time: not having to listen to this teamkilling retard for a few minutes." South rolled her eyes, walking away. "Whatever. Just keep watch and don't let anyone steal the goddamn flag again, will you? If I have to go and get it because you decided to give it to someone, then your asses will be strung up from it." 'And Maine and I will have a fun game that involves us beating you around the flag pole with your own skull.

'Even though that doesn't seem physically possible.'

A/N: And that is it for today. Quick question: what the hell is the goddamn game that has a volleyball tied to a string and you try and beat it around a pole? For some reason I can't remember the name XD. There also MIGHT (hint: might) be a funny scene of Massa making Wash actually wear a maid outfit in the next chapter, but IDK. If the response for that is good, then I'll do it.

P.S. has anyone gotten their girlfriend to wear one besides me? I don't want to think that I'm the only dude who has a closet filled with cute outfits for my girlfriend to wear during sex (or anything really lol). I have a maid, a nurse, and a cat one in my closet (so glad my parents don't live with me lol), and don't get me started on what I have under my bed. I might accidentally scar everyone mentally…