I heard a snort from Jiraiya as I told off Orochimaru for the curse hickey, while the snake man looked partly irritated, partly amused. No one got to say anything else though as Tsunade suddenly charged at Kabuto, shoving Jiraiya down into the dirt as she went. She stopped right before hitting Kabuto, though, as the asswipe in question just slashed his hand, spraying the busty blonde with blood. Tsunade, being paralyzed with fear due to her phobia, was easily punched by Kabuto and sent flying. Shizune caught her, and wrapped her up in the green coat the blonde had left behind earlier. Then Naruto seemed to snap out of his daze.

"W-whats going on here? Why's Kabuto fighting Tsunade?"

Before Kabuto could open his ugly mouth, I answered instead. "Naruto...he works for Orochimaru. Look at his headband. He must have been a spy...it explains why I hated him after first laying eyes on him...but the fact that he looks like someone who doesn't know what a shower is definitely added to my hatred."

Naruto was stunned, but Kabuto just kept that smug smirk on his lips. "That's right...the spy part, that is. You're so thick headed, Naruto...you have no aptitude for being a shinobi. You're just an out of place genin who's only scraped by this far because of the fox's power."

Naruto blanched, and I didn't miss how he looked at me. Apparently, despite me clueing him in to the fact that I already knew in the forest of death, it still hadn't really registered in his mind. I just shrugged and grinned at my blond friend.

"It's okay, Naruto! I already knew, and it should be pretty obvious by now that I don't care. I've known for years. Now...let's take down this crusty goblin together, yeah?"

Naruto smiled and nodded, while Kabuto snorted derisively. "Please...you two GENIN don't stand a chance against me..."

I snarled, glaring at him with every ounce of hatred I possessed. "Shut up, or I will shove you down a damn garbage disposal!!!"

He looked a bit bemused by my threat, so I just kept going. "Are you sure your hair is actually gray and it's not just years of dandruff that piled up?"

Naruto snickered beside me, and Kabuto looked the slightest bit irritated. I used my chakra strings to undo the weights from my ankles, and then shook them off each leg, out from underneath the legwarmers. They sank a little bit into the dirt, and I made a show of rolling my neck and shoulders.

"Well, Naruto? Shall we kick his ass together? All you gotta remember...is to treat this like you're fighting Zabuza and Haku again. Use extreme overkill..."

Naruto gave me a determined grin and nodded. "Hell yeah...let's do it. For granny Tsunade."

Jiraiya stepped in front of us, though. "No...you two protect lady Tsunade and the pig...Shizune will take care of the guy in the glasses."

Naruto, of course, immediately protested. "WHAT!? I WANNA FIGHT TOO!!! AND SO DOES SASUKE!!!"

Jiraiya turned his eyes to Naruto, who was about to perform the shadow clone jutsu. "HEY, WAIT! It's useless to use the shadow clones against these two, you'd only be wasting your chakra..."

The toad sage wasted no time in attempting a summoning jutsu, at the same time as Orochimaru and Kabuto. Though while Orochimaru and Kabuto were suddenly standing atop a massive snake's head, all Jiraiya got was...Gamakichi. Both Jiraiya and Naruto gave incredulous shouts, and I just burst out laughing. Then Naruto tried...and he got Gamatatsu. I started laughing even harder at his distress.

I quickly stopped laughing as the gigantic serpents lunged downwards at us all. I grabbed my leg weights as I jumped, throwing them far, far out of the way of this battle. I didn't wanna lose THESE ones too! It was then that I noticed one of the snakes approaching with a wide open mouth. Ah, right, Naruto almost got eaten again in canon. Well, I was having none of that, so before it could chomp him I swung my leg around in midair.

"LEAF HURRICANE!!!"

My kick got the snake right in the jaw, and it hissed before trying to smash us with its tail. I made sure to grab Tonton, Gamakichi, and Gamatatsu before jumping out of the way, and Naruto also managed to make it, though it looked like he had a nasty injury to his leg. Soon enough, though, he was up and rushing to stand in front of Tsunade, Kabuto managing to punch him right in the headband. While that was happening, I took Tonton and the toads further away to a safe distance. Tonton gave an oink of protest though.

"Tonton, I need you to stay here. You can't fight well enough to stand up to Orochimaru and his pet goblin. You also need to help make sure Shizune is okay when I bring her over here too. You saw Kabuto punch her, right? She'll need your help. I really really hope you can understand even a single word I'm saying."

Tonton seemed to...pout at me? While Gamakichi snickered. I turned to the orange and purple toad.

"Gamakichi, make sure your brother doesn't get himself killed, please."

He rolled his eyes and gave a mocking salute. Well, better than nothing. I rushed back over to the fight with Kabuto to see that Naruto was already unconscious and half dead on the ground. Dammit...I forgot that Kabuto did this to him. One more reason for me to hate the guy, then. I walked to where the silver haired thing was laying in the dirt, just in time to hear him taunt Tsunade saying it's too late for Naruto. He looked up at me with this disgustingly smug look in his eyes.

"What, come to rail against me for killing that pathetic excuse for a ninja?" He said.

"Wow, I didn't know you killed yourself, Kabuto. Why didn't you tell me? Does this make you a zombie?" I retorted.

He glared at me, miffed by my response. I just bent down closer to his ugly, ugly face.

"...If your parents weren't already dead, I would kill them for birthing you." I stated plainly.

Before he could respond, I kicked him in the head hard enough to knock him out. I saw Orochimaru begin to lunge at Naruto. While they were busy with that, I took out a kunai and neatly cut out a square hole in the back of his pants and underwear. The jackass deserved it. Then, I looked over and saw Shizune. Aawww shit, I forgot about her! I leapt over, grabbing her and rushing to Tonton and the toads, leaving her there before rushing back in time to see three giant summons come into existence...one of them with two figures on top of it. One with black hair, and one with gray...DAMMIT I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE KICKED HIM HARDER!!!

Realizing I couldn't do anything more, I jumped on top of Katsuyu and grabbed Naruto's unconscious form.

"Hey Tsunade-sama I'm taking this to your student now, have fun kicking Orochimaru's ass now, bye"

Before she could even formulate a response I had disappeared, and sounds of the battle were just starting as I laid Naruto in front of the now conscious Shizune. I didn't bother jumping back into the fight and just sat next to the pair, watching. I cheered every once in a while, and as the fight concluded, I casually walked up to stand near the two non-traitorous sannin. Would that make them the ninin, then? Nah, that just sounds dumb. Orochimaru looked at me, right before he started fading into the ground.

"You will seek me out for power one day, Sasuke..." He hissed. Ha, snake pun.

"Hmmm, nah, I doubt it. I might show up just to kill Kabuto though, I hate him more than I hate cheese, and I hate cheese like...a lot. Both emotionally and physically, I'm lactose intolerant."

Kabuto just rolled his eyes, but jokes on him, he had assless pants. Orochimaru looked a bit quizzical yet still amused by my reply, and he sank down into the ground. Kabuto poofed away immediately after, and I turned to look at Tsunade and Jiraiya who was a little ways away.

"Did you guys see what I did to that crusty little goblin?"

They looked confused, so I elaborated with a grin. "I cut a hole out in the back of his pants and underwear! Now his ugly butt is hanging out!"

Tsunade seemed exasperated, but Jiraiya snorted a bit. Glad that at least one of them saw my genius. We all walked back over to Naruto, and I went out a little further to clip my weights back on before returning. I pointedly didn't look at Tsunade as she began to wrinkle due to the after effects of her jutsu, and soon we all headed back to the hotel to rest before setting off back towards Konoha.

We were finally back in Konoha, and Naruto had dragged Tsunade to wake up Kakashi. Naruto had already left to go eat ramen, so I was left alone with the pair of adults...who were both staring at me.

"...Sasuke, please tell me you didn't go after your brother." Kakashi deadpanned.

I grinned. "Okay, I didn't go after my brother!" Kakashi didn't look convinced. "...I went to give his partner a bento."

Kakashi gave an exhausted sigh and flopped back. "Why...why would you do that?"

I shrugged. "Have you seen that man? He's super fucking attractive. Too bad he's too old for me though..."

I got a pair of odd looks at that. "...How is a 2 meter tall blue shark man attractive?"

Kakashi gave Tsunade a withering glare, as if asking her why she had to go and say that. Being the polite person I am, I responded.

"He's just...daddy shark. What ISN'T attractive about him?"

The two older shinobi decided to completely drop the matter after that, so I decided to use that as my segue into a much more serious matter. I turned to Tsunade, my expression grave.

"Remember what I told you when we first met? About information that was for the next hokage only?"

She straightened up at that, and gave me an equally serious look, nodding.

"...it's an S-rank secret that I shouldn't even know, and only four people alive are supposed to know it. If one of those people find out what I know...well, let's just say the Uchiha clan would be well and truly extinct. I'm gonna trust your judgment on where I'll tell you the story, Tsunade-hime. It needs to be somewhere no one, NO ONE could possibly eavesdrop...the Hokage's office isn't secure enough. Kakashi-sensei can come too, since it's fairly relevant to him, too."

The two adults looked dubious, and my expression twisted into a half snarl beneath my mask. "I may seem like an idiot kid most of the time, but that's not all I am. I'm a shinobi too, remember..."

With my piece said, my mood did a complete 180, and I was back to grinning with my hands planted on my hips.

"Alright! Now that that's out of the way, time for you to heal my senpai, Tsunade-hime!! Come on, let's go!!!"

I marched out of the room, not even looking back to see if she was following me. Thankfully she was, as Gai-sensei gasped as soon as I walked in the room, but he was looking behind me. Lee was also in the room, and he looked up in surprise. I gave him a big thumbs up.

"I told you, senpai! I'd bring her back for you! Now she's here...and even if she can't just BAM heal you instantly, I know that you'll be able to handle anything thrown at you...the power of youth will prevail!!! Now, I gotta go home and take a shower, and eat, and all that fun happy stuff. I'll see you later, senpai!!!!"

I didn't give anyone the chance to respond before I ran and dove out the window in the room. I couldn't be there when Tsunade gave him the bad news...I wouldn't be able to handle it, even though I knew Lee would get the surgery and be fine. I waited outside the hospital for Tsunade, and as she came out, she stopped next to me briefly.

"...do you know of any place we could use, Sasuke?"

I paused, then nodded. "Yeah...just bring Kakashi to my place and I'll take you from there. Used to be a clan meeting spot, but...well, there isn't really a clan anymore is there?"

The new hokage just nodded. "I'll drag him there in an hour...Sage knows that he's incapable of showing up on time by himself."

I snorted, gave a casual salute, and left. Let's see...it would be tonight that the Sound 4 would be showing up with their 'offer'. I already knew that once Tsunade was told of the truth behind the massacre, I would not be safe in Konoha because of Danzō. Ironically, I would be safer with Orochimaru. So it would be for the best if I went to Sound. I wasn't going to keep it canon, though. I kinda wanted at least a couple sound four members to live...but at the same time, I couldn't just go uninterrupted because I had to take long enough for Orochimaru to be forced to take a different body. I needed that three year buffer. Plus, it was in the fight against Kimimaro that Gaara and Lee became friends! I had no idea how I was going to work this out. I couldn't exactly talk to anyone to bounce ideas off of, either. Maybe I could talk to Tsunade later and tell her that I was pretty sure Orochimaru would send someone someone get me, soon? Tell her that a team should be sent to stall? To cover up the fact that I plan on 'spying'? Perhaps rope Kakashi into it, have him leave me one of the ninken without their clothes? Pakkun, Guruko, or Ūhei would be the best options, since without the outfits they looked the most like normal dogs, and they could talk. At least...I was pretty sure Bull couldn't talk...I had only ever heard him bark.

That would probably be my best option.

I had no way of sending info to Tsunade, though. Even if I used the snakes, Orochimaru could easily summon them and they could tell him themselves. Ugh, this was all way too complicated. Maybe I should wait until the ACTUAL smart people showed up.

An hour and ten minutes later, Tsunade arrived at my house, dragging Kakashi by the back of his shirt behind her. I didn't comment, only gave an approving nod as I walked out the door and down the street towards the Naka shrine. I led them in, and went straight to the seventh tatami mat from the far right, bending down to open up the entrance to the secret room, beckoning the two elder shinobi as I jumped in. Once they were in as well, I used a small scale fire jutsu to light the small fire bowls on either side of the stone tablet before reaching to close the entrance. Both Kakashi and Tsunade were looking around the space with mild wonder.

"Sasuke...how long has this place been here? What was it used for?" Kakashi asked.

Well, that was an opportunity if I ever saw one. "Well, as far as I'm aware, it's always been here. As for what it was used for...the last thing it was used for was for the clan to hold meetings to plan a coup against the village."

Tsunade dropped Kakashi, and the silver haired jonin gave a strangled choking sound. Tsunade snarled at me.

"Cut the tricks, kid!"

I looked at her, utterly serious. "It's true. The Uchiha clan was planning a coup. Obviously I didn't know this until a little less than a year ago, but it's the truth. I had started thinking and realized that a lot of stuff about the massacre and Itachi just didn't add up...so I started studying everything I could without setting off metaphorical alarms...eventually, this is what I discovered."

"Explain. Now." Tsunade growled.

I just sat down, preparing myself to tell the tale I knew by heart.

"You see, it all started when your great uncle decided to flip your grandfather the metaphorical finger after he became hokage. He never liked the Uchiha. Never trusted the clan as far as he could throw the moon. But he also couldn't just piss all over his brother's memory and kick the clan out. He thought the clan was too volatile to chuck into battle all the time, though. He was under the impression that if an Uchiha lost someone they loved on the field, then they would go bat shit insane and become a danger to the village. So, he created the police force and gave control of it over to the Uchiha clan in a not so subtle effort to keep as many Uchiha off the field as possible. There were also laws and other things passed by the council that were unfavorable to the Uchiha clan-"

Tsunade snorted. "Please. Any law passed is always going to be unfavorable to some population or other."

I gave her a deadpan look. "Yes, but proportionally, the Uchiha clan suffered from unfavorable laws far more than many other populations combined. There were even a few that were only detrimental to the Uchiha, no one else. Like zoning permits, preventing the Uchiha clan from having any general businesses outside the clan compound. Only the Uchiha clan was really affected by that, as the other clans that had compounds didn't run businesses, and the clans that ran businesses didn't have compounds."

Tsunade seemed thoughtful at that, and gestured for me to continue.

"Anyways. The clan was pissed at how they were being treated under the Nidaime's rule. However, they were also patient enough to wait until he died for their situation to change...and when the Sandaime came into power, things started getting a little better...then the third shinobi war broke out. Danzō wound up running a lot of the politics within the village and things started getting worse again. Then the Yondaime was appointed, and things started getting WAY better because he didn't just turn a blind eye to Danzō's fuckery. The clan was finally becoming more content...but then the Kyuubi went on a damn rampage, and since the vast majority of the Uchiha clan was busy evacuating civilians into safehouses, they weren't out there fighting the fox. The Sandaime took back the hat, and Danzō was able to get back to his fuckery. The Uchiha were blamed for the attack by a large portion of the village, and the compound was relocated to the edge of the village, despite the original compound being mostly intact. That's when the elders and the clan head decided they were tired of bring treated like shit and began plotting a coup...with me so far?"

The two made no response, but I continued anyways.

"Then Itachi was promoted to ANBU captain...and he was basically told that he was meant to be the inside man feeding the clan information they could use to help the coup succeed. Itachi was basically like 'what the fuck no this is a terrible idea you prideful asshats are going to start another damn war no matter who wins, and the entirety of the village will never trust the clan again there is literally no benefit to your plan in any way'. So of course he immediately went to the Hokage to tell him and the advisors...knowing the Sandaime, he probably promised a peaceful solution and begged Itachi to stall for time. Now, at this point, a lot of it is conjecture, but this is what I'm preeeettty sure went down. So, Shisui had the mangekyō sharingan. With it, he could use Kotoamatsukami...you guys know what that is, right?"

The pair nodded, and Kakashi spoke up. "It was one of the most guarded secrets Konoha had...no one wanted enemies to find out we had a mind control jutsu, for all intents and purposes."

I nodded. "It's the only possible peaceful solution I could think of to that conflict, and I thought up a lot. There was one other peaceful solution that I came up with that involved karaoke, lots of alcohol, soup, and a herd of cows, but it just didn't seem likely that someone else would have come up with it-"

Kakashi groaned, putting his face in his hands. "Why. Why do so many of your solutions to emotional problems involve soup?"

I shrugged. "Because soup is a very effective tool. Now, on with the story. Kotoamatsukami should have worked, so why didn't it? The only reason I thought of that didn't involve soup was sabotage...but then I had to think. Who would want to sabotage an attempt at a peaceful resolution like that? The answer-"

"Please say it's not soup."

"-is Danzō. It seems the only thing he learned from his sensei was undying disdain for the Uchiha clan. Most likely, Danzō at the very least tried to kill Shisui. It's also incredibly likely that he stole at least one of Shisui's eyes...how else would he have gotten away with a bunch of the shit he's pulled since then, if not by using kotoamatsukami? Then Shisui must have killed himself in front of Itachi so Itachi could get his own mangekyō, because there's no way that Itachi killed Shisui for something that stupid. Then...the only thing that makes sense is Danzō giving Itachi an ultimatum: kill the clan, or join their coup and watch another war break out. Obviously Itachi chose to kill everyone, but he left me alive and for some reason decided that his best course of action was shoving little 8 year old me into the damn Tsukuyomi. It...was actually on the mission to hunt you down, Tsunade-hime, that I got to talk with Itachi again. He tried another Tsukuyomi, but I just told him I knew the truth immediately after I was sucked into it. Then he wrote me a letter and sent it using one his crows. It was basically just saying he was sorry, and that if I was gonna take down Danzō I would need a lot of help. Funnily enough, he actually suggested you, Tsunade-hime, because he knows you despise Danzō. Alright, story time over! Any questions?"

Kakashi raised his hand slightly and spoke. "Yes...what the fuck?"

Tsunade was just pinching the bridge of her nose, muttering something about needing a drink before speaking louder. "I can see why my new office wouldn't have been secure enough, now. That greasy little rat has his fingers everywhere...but either way, you aren't safe here. Not with you knowing this. If he even THINKS you know this, you're screwed...dammit."

I raised a hand. "I have an ironic solution for that! No, Kakashi-sensei, it is not soup. Soup doesn't work on slimy heartless bastards...at least, not most of them."

Tsunade groaned. "I'm going to regret asking what it is, aren't I?"

I grinned, my voice chipper. "Yup! My solution is to go to Orochimaru!!!"

There was dead silence for a few moments, then Kakashi spoke up.

"...I take it back I wish your solution was soup."

"Hear me out, hear me out!!! Now, Orochimaru wants me for his next meatsuit. He's gonna want me as soon as possible, so he'll probably send someone to fetch me within the next few weeks. However, I also doubt he wants the body of a scrawny twelve year old, so he's gonna want to train me first so I'm up to his meat suit candidate standards. Which means I'll most likely have a couple years before he tries anything. So not only will I be safe from Danzō, I'll be getting training I would never be able to get here, and I could spy on him while I'm at it. You would obviously have to send some semblance of a retrieval team after me, so nothing is suspected, but then the issue is letting you know when I'm fetched. Easiest solution is Kakashi leaving one of his ninken with me posing as a regular dog and them going to notify you or Kakashi when I'm leaving."

Kakashi narrowed his eye at me. "You sure have thought this through..."

I gave him a deadpan look. "Kakashi-sensei, I've kind of had to because it's, y'know, pretty much life or death for me if I get this wrong. Me surviving up until now has been mostly dumb luck."

He winced. "Fair point..."

Tsunade gave another frustrated groan. "Dammit...I never should have accepted this job, I swear. Since it's the only option as of right now, Sasuke, your plan is accepted. Kakashi, leave your most unassuming, average looking dog with Sasuke. Sasuke, we will talk more about all this tomorrow. I'm going to do some digging of my own..."

With that, she left, and Kakashi summoned Pakkun. The pug looked up at his summoner after glancing at me.

"What is it, boss? I really don't feel like tracking down another jinchuuriki..."

Kakashi shook his head, then sighed. "No, Pakkun. You're going to be on an undercover mission for a little bit. See, Sasuke here is going to have some ninja from an enemy village come here to escort him to said village...he's going to go with them, but as a spy. You're going to pose as his dog until that happens. Once it does, you'll go straight to the hokage and tell her about it, alright? That's it."

Pakkun gave a grunt. "Seems easy enough...he better have some good food for me, though."

I nodded my head. "I'll get you a nice steak one day a week. How does that sound?"

Pakkun looked at me for a few moments, pondering. "Throw in some sausage for breakfast once a week too and you have a deal, pup."

I nodded, reaching out to shake Pakkun's paw to seal the deal. The small brown pug reciprocated, and I could tell that Kakashi already regretted this. He was going to have one spoiled ninken once I was done with him...or so he thought. In reality, Pakkun would be going back home later tonight. Kakashi helped Pakkun wriggle out of his outfit, and the two of us went our separate ways with Pakkun on my heels. I was almost home when I was stopped by the sound 4. I didn't even give them the chance to speak before I gave a happy wave of greeting.

"Hello~! I'm guessing you're here to bring me to Orochimaru, yeah? Based on spider boy's headband it seems a reasonable guess."

The four looked slightly taken aback, before Sakon spoke up. "Uh...yes. Orochimaru-sama promises you power-"

I waved him off before he could continue. "I know that, he's told me himself. Twice, already. I already decided I'm coming with you guys, but let's have some food first, yeah? I don't want all the food I bought to go to waste, after all. My house is just down the street! Then we can all properly introduce ourselves!"

I kept marching straight past them, and all four were gobsmacked. After a few moments, they broke free of their shock and followed after me. I walked into my house as casually as always, waving them in after me. Shuffling out of my sandals, I went straight to the kitchen and began rummaging around in the cupboards. I pulled out everything that could be eaten without cooking it first, and made my way to the table with it before sitting down on the floor in front of it cross legged. The sound 4 hesitantly sat down around me, with Pakkun curling up in my lap. Pulling my mask down, I took a handful of chips and began eating them.

"Okay so, introductions, go. I'm Sasuke Uchiha."

"Tayuya."

"Kidomaru..."

"Jirobo. Nice to meet you."

"I'm Sakon, and this is my brother Ukon on my back."

Oh, he so walked into this one. "What did you say your name was?"

"Sakon-"

"-DEEZ NUTS! HA! GOT YA!"

I devolved into hysterical laughter, and after a couple seconds Tayuya did too. Kidomaru chuckled a bit, Jirobo seemed disappointed, and Sakon was irritated. Eventually Tayuya and I calmed down, but not before high fiving.

"Are you quite finished?" Sakon bit out, eyebrow twitching in annoyance.

I nodded. "Yup. Now...we should go now, right?"

Sakon nodded, and the atmosphere turned serious once more as everyone got up...not before Tayuya and Jirobo snatched some food for the road, though.

"Oh, by the way, there's a chance a retrieval team will come after me. It'll probably be genin and low chuunin though, because pretty much all the jonin are on missions since the invasion and all. Your best bet is to split up and stall them as long as possible. If you kill them, they'll just send stronger people after me. So...yeah. But that doesn't mean you should underestimate whoever is sent, though. I know most of the people who are most likely to be sent after me, and trust me, they will pull some crazy jutsu or tactic out of their asses if they're pushed. Especially Naruto, because there's no way in hell he WON'T be sent, and even if he's not...he will go anyways because he's a stubborn little shit. You all got that?"

They looked dubious, and Kidomaru even rolled his eyes, but they nodded anyways. I just grinned, pulled my mask back up, and went to shove some important things into my backpack. I looked down to see Pakkun, and the pug whined at me, pawing my leg. He was really putting on a good act. I crouched down, petting him.

"I know buddy...but it'll be okay. I'm gonna go now, alright? You be a good boy..."

With that said, I got up and didn't look back at him. I knew he would be running to Tsunade as soon as I left the house. The sound four and I left the house, and even got out of the village unaccosted. They then brought out the barrel, and just like canon went, I got in and was sealed up. I just hoped everything went as planned.

A/N: Hi everyone! I hope you enjoy this chapter. I also apologize for how long it took me. My update schedule is nonexistent. There's There's schedule to it. Just know that you can expect me to finish this!Now...in the reviews, leave suggestions for pranks and insults against Kabuto!Happy reading!