I slowly awoke from the forced false death within the barrel. It wasn't long until I was completely awake and the barrel burst open, with me immediately standing up when it did. I could feel my hair was longer, and my nails felt more like claws as the sheer power of the curse mark flowed through my body. It was exhilarating but also disgusting, knowing exactly where the power came from. The second state quickly receded, and I saw that I was in a field. Oh, right, Naruto was attempting to fight Kimimaro. I gave a cheerful wave to the blond who attempted to charge forwards, only for bone boy to stop him...and then Lee flew out from the trees, landing a solid kick on Kimimaro who went flying. I couldn't help myself...I clapped.

"YEAH, GO SENPAI!!!"

The two konoha genin turned to look at me, then my brain caught up with my body.

"WAIT A- SENPAI YOU SHOULD BE RESTING YOU JUST GOT OUT OF SURGERY LIKE, YESTERDAY!!! DON'T HURT YOURSELF DOING SOMETHING STUPID LIKE FIGHTING BONE BOY HERE!!!"

Lee and Naruto only looked more confused by my outburst.

"Does...does this mean you are coming back to Konoha, kouhai?" Lee said hopefully.

Shit. "Uuuhhhhh..."

I turned tail and fled "SORRYSENPAIILLEXPLAININLIKETHREEYEARS!!!"

I didn't hear anything else for a while, and eventually stopped at the valley of the end, standing atop Madara's head. I looked down at the gigantic statue sadly.

"...I'm mad at you for fucking up Obito, but at the same time...I can't hate you, because you got manipulated, too...fucking black Zetsu...fucking Kaguya. You're the one of the very few things that aren't Danzō's fault."

While I quietly monologued at the statue, Naruto had caught up to me. The blond was currently screeching at me from atop Hashirama's head, asking why I was doing this. I yelled right back to him.

"NARUTO, I NEED TO GO...I WILL HAPPILY COME BACK IN A FEW YEARS, JUST LET ME GO NOW AND I PROMISE TO RETURN!"

I knew it was a long shot, but I may as well try.

"SASUKE, YOU DICK!!!! YOU'RE COMING BACK RIGHT NOW WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!!! CHOUJI, NEJI, KIBA, SHIKAMARU, BUSHY BROWS...THEY ALL CAME TO TRY AND SAVE YOU!!!"

Apparently I would have to beat his ass anyways.

"THEN GO BACK AND HELP THEM!!! I AM GOING NO MATTER WHAT, I WILL BEAT YOUR ASS IF YOU TRY TO STOP ME!!!"

"AS IF I WOULD LET YOU BEAT ME, BASTARD!!!"

With that, Naruto was leaping from Hashirama's head to attack me. This...would be a long fight. I took off my weights, using the chakra strings to throw them into the forest so I could retrieve them later. I dodged Naruto, and he stood glaring at me with red slitted eyes.

"You think he's just gonna give you power for free...? HE WANTS TO USE YOUR BODY AS SOME SORT OF SICK MEATSUIT! YOU PROBABLY WON'T MAKE IT OUT OF THERE!!!!"

I smiled beneath my mask. "Naruto...I know for a fact that Orochimaru had to take a new body before I could arrive. I also know he has to wait three years before he can switch again. Then, add onto that, I have my sharingan. I can see and understand his jutsu as he attempts to use it on me, so I can negate it. I'll be fine, okay? Come search for me after about three years, and I'll come back."

This only seemed to enrage Naruto more, as he growled in my face before punching me.

"YOU CAN'T GUARANTEE THAT, I AM NOT GONNA LET YOU THROW YOUR LIFE AWAY, YOU JERK!!!!"

I sat up, despite the blond sitting on me, and I gripped him by the front of his jumpsuit. I grinned mischievously, and hauled my arm back to throw him...

"YEEET!!!"

He flew, crashing straight into Hashirama's nose. I laughed, the sight comical as he peeled himself off. Suddenly, he made several dozen shadow clones, and he used those to fling himself back at me. Using my speed, I just dodged to the side as he went flying into the Madara statue's hair, leaving another sizable dent. I searched my weapons pouches for rope or wire or something, and thankfully found wire. Why I had it, I couldn't remember. I wasn't about to question it, though. I just charged the blond and before he could get up, I tied his limbs together. Left hand to left foot, and right hand to right foot. I made sure his palms lay flat on his feet, preventing him from making hand signs. Wouldn't do for him to shadow clone his way out of this, after all. I knew Kakashi would be arriving in a few hours, so Naruto would be okay...relatively speaking. Just in case, I scribbled down a note for Kakashi.

Kakashi,

Please make sure Naruto gets his head examined thoroughly. I had to knock him out to make him stop chasing me, so he likely has a concussion. He doesn't need to lose what few braincells he has left. I will miss you during these next few years, and I can't wait to see you and everyone else again after this. Maybe I'll be able to kill Danzō when I get back, too! Wrinkly old fuck needs to die.

Sasuke

PS: Please burn this immediately after reading

I tucked the note into one of Naruto's pockets, before socking him right in the temple...but he stayed conscious. So I socked him in the OTHER temple, and he finally passed out. I felt bad for this, but I also knew he would feel even worse if I stayed in Konoha and Danzō killed me. I turned towards my destination, walking to pick up my discarded weights and put them back on, and then ran without looking back...even though it was hard.

It was several hours later that I came up to Orochimaru's hideout, with the man himself standing at the entrance along with the most hideous creature I had ever laid my eyes on. Kabuto opened his mouth to greet me but I didn't give him the chance to speak, making a face of plain disgust.

"Oh gross, please go brush your teeth."

Kabuto's jaw clacked shut and he looked miffed, while Orochimaru just chuckled.

"Aaahh, as eccentric as ever I see. Come, let's get you settled in. It will be a few days before I have recovered enough to begin your training, so feel free to go about your normal routines. I will have someone escort you to and from the training grounds."

I nod, practically skipping after the snake man.

"Oh! I have a bunch of ideas I'm gonna need help on, because I'm not very good at the whole figuring out how to make things work. Like, expanding the forms of the Chidori! Like, one that coats my body, one that acts like an extendable sword, one that can basically make a bunch of lightning senbon, one that can basically take control of already existing lightning, all of it! Then there's the fact that I want to make fun poisons that are non lethal by themselves but will get you killed due to their effects, like a fast acting hallucinogen! It would be hilarious to see people trying over and over to dispel genjutsu that aren't there. Or one that causes different emotion chemicals to go weird, like imagine you're in the middle of a fight and you just start laughing uncontrollably, or sobbing uncontrollably, or screeching in terror at something stupid like a leaf brushing your arm. Then one that scrambles brain responses, like instead of pain being bad, it tickles or something. Or instead of anger at your opponent you suddenly feel very happy to see them. I would ask about seals, but I'm too stupid to be able to figure them out. Even NARUTO has a better shot at them than I do, and that's just because he's an Uzumaki! Having storage seals on my wrists for shuriken would be cool, though, I could totally cut out the hugely time consuming step of drawing them from a pouch!"

My rambling only cut off because we reached a door, and Orochimaru chuckled at my exuberance, giving me a critical eye.

"Yes, I can certainly help you with the Chidori variants, the hallucinogen, and the wrist storage seals, but the others are a bit out of my expertise. Most poisons are designed to be physically incapacitating or lethal by themselves. While I am recovering, we can work on the hallucinogen after your usual physical training."

I nodded, then clapped my hands together, remembering something important.

"Oh! That reminds me, my physical training has been modeled after Might Gai. A single training ground might not be enough...I'm used to village laps on my hands!!! Plus the weights, can't forget the weights."

Orochimaru looked worried for a fraction of a second, but nodded his head nonetheless.

"Then you will just do extra laps around the training grounds, and I shall oversee the weights. Just give me the increments of time between moving up in weight and the weights of each time so I can calculate how to keep you going properly."

My worst enemy after Kabuto...math. I nodded, and Orochimaru opened the door to reveal a plain, sparsely furnished bedroom.

"This is where you shall be staying while here. I do not advise decorating, as we will be moving between several hideouts. I shall leave you to get acclimated."

With that said, he left, and I walked into the room, slamming the door in Kabuto's ugly face. I then promptly bellyflopped on the mediocre bed, and made a mental list of things I had to accomplish...

...that I forgot literally five minutes later.

Three years. It had been roughly three years since I got to Orochimaru. The snake had tried his best to corrupt me, to harden me...but he hadn't been able to. I wasn't the same cold, heartless Sasuke from canon. I had managed to develop all the chidori variants under his guide, along with the hallucinogen...but of the things I had wanted, that was it. I had also worked on my genjutsu a lot, and even if I didn't feel any genjutsu I automatically flexed my chakra to break one if it had somehow escaped my noticed once every half hour, now. We had moved back to the base where Sasuke was met once more by Sakura and Naruto, so I was hoping we would meet again soon. I was sick of seeing Kabuto's hideous freak show he called a face every day.

A part of me was also worried, however. Would I be able to defend myself against Danzō? Was I strong enough to beat him? It had taken canon Sasuke using the mangekyō sharingan to the point of near blindness and almost dying before he could kill him. Then again, he had already been slightly weakened by breaking into the Gokage summit and getting his ass handed to him by the Raikage. I was hoping I wouldn't have to deal with that, but even if I did, I would know when to hightail it out of there to avoid getting beat to shit and forced to use susanoo. Wait...fuck, I wasn't planning on killing Itachi so I wouldn't get susanoo. Meh...I'll figure it out when I get that far.

I was shaken from my thoughts by the sound of doors opening in front of me, and I watched as Orochimaru walked in with living garbage and...Sai!!! Finally, I could go back home!! I jumped up, grinning beneath my mask, and bound forwards, grabbing Sai's hand and shaking it vigorously.

"Hiya, nice to meet you, I'm Sasuke Uchiha!!!!!" I greeted enthusiastically.

Sai just stood dumbfounded, unable to form a response. It only took me half a second to remember that he still had yet to be Therapy-no-jutsu'd by Naruto, so I had to take a page out of canon and stall for time by training. I let go of Sai's hand and turned to look at Orochimaru.

"Orochimaru, can we go train now? Pleeeeeaaaaase? You prooomiiiiised!"

The snake man chuckled, patting me on the head like one might a pet.

"Of course, Kabuto will finish attending to Sai."

He looked at me more like an amusing animal now, and no longer looked at me like I was a piece of meat, thankfully. I had worked out a little deal with him some time ago...

FLASHBACK-NO-JUTSU

I sat on the edge of the training ground, practically guzzling water when I thought of something. Well...more like remembered something. Orochimaru had been the one to build Danzō's freaky eye arm.

"Hey...Orochimaru?"

"Yes, Sasuke?"

"...so, I came to know this through means I shall not disclose, but...Danzō Shimura has a butt ton of preserved sharingan. It's a part of why I left Konoha, actually. I knew you would make me strong enough to murder his wrinkly old ass" a lie, but danger noodle didn't need to know that "but...like...instead of just taking my body and wearing it like a flesh suit to get the sharingan, why not take Danzō's supply of sharingan?"

I looked to Orochimaru, who had some sort of calculating look in his eyes. "Go on..."

Okay. Good sign. "Well, it's already been proven that sharingan can be transplanted, right? I mean, just look at Kakashi! He became famous for it, and his works really damn well for a super rushed field job by a frankly average medic. He even unlocked the mangekyō! I'm pretty sure if it was done in proper conditions by a really good medic, then it would be able to be turned off and on and everything! Plus that way you could use the same pair of eyes a few times over, and you would basically wind up with a much larger supply since I'm planning on reviving the Uchiha and all that jazz. You could just...pick off any random future Uchiha once you run out of eyeballs in your stockpile, and even though I wouldn't like it, I would most likely be dead by that point. It just seems silly to basically take my body, use it, then not have the sharingan ever again. There's no way you could learn every single jutsu in just three years, or even half of them, even with the sharingan. It seems much more practical to just transplant them and get multiple uses from each pair."

Orochimaru was stunned silent. He blinked a couple times at me before chuckling quietly at first, slowly building to loud, maniacal laughter that subsided after a minute or so. He patted my head, and I grinned.

"Oh Sasuke, you have the most interesting ideas! I'll give you a chance with this, but if it fails, I still get your body. Is that understood?"

His tone grew sharp at the end, but my grin didn't falter. "Yes sir! I'm gonna have to go back to the leaf at some point though so I can slaughter Danzō, obviously, because otherwise you won't get the eyes he has hidden away. I can't just storm the leaf by myself, so I'll need help crushing him, which means I need to return to the leaf on friendly terms with them. I'll probably use Naruto, in all honesty, because he's gonna be the most likely one to come after me, along with Sakura."

He raised an eyebrow at that. "What makes you think that blond dunce and some no name civilian kunoichi will be of any help?"

"Because Naruto was without a doubt trained under Jiraiya and I can't imagine Sakura just sitting on her thumbs for three years, especially since her ridiculous chakra control, perfect memory, and hot temper already basically makes her a mini Tsunade, and I wouldn't be surprised if she apprenticed under Tsunade."

"...knowing my old teammates and with the new knowledge of your former kunoichi teammate, I can see how she would be useful at least. Perhaps even the blond one, since he managed to learn the Rasengan. Very well. You will defeat Danzō and bring the eyes to me, or if you cannot you shall summon a snake which will reverse summon myself into where he keeps the eyes stored so I can take them myself. If your little idea fails, I shall send Kabuto to retrieve you."

I blanched, and gagged lightly. "...anyone but him. Please. I would even accept Karin, and I hate her."

Orochimaru chuckles. "Very well, Karin it shall be. Now...back to training."

I groaned. Wasn't I covered in enough cuts and bruises and broken bones!?

END FLASHBACK-NO-JUTSU AND ONE TRAINING SESSION LATER

I groaned as I flopped onto my bed, entire body sore. Hopefully I could nap for a bit before Sai showed up. I rolled onto my side, and was beginning to doze when I heard the ink snakes come up behind me. I shot up from the bed, a small roundhouse kick destroying the ink creations. I skipped up to the door, a grin on my face before kneeling down to be on Sai's level.

"Whaddup, here to bring me back to Konoha?" I asked.

Sai seemed a bit confused, but he nodded. "Yes...I wish to see the bond between you and Naruto Uzumaki..."

I nodded, and went to my side table to grab what few things I still had. My outfit had changed from the jumpsuit Gai-sensei gave me, as I had unfortunately outgrown it. I now wore a pair of gray hakama pants and a blue yukata top with purple detailing and the Uchiha crest on the back, along with a blue mask. I also had a plain black cloak with the Uchiha crest on the back as well, the style reminiscent of the cloaks Akatsuki wore. I had the chokuto Sasuke used in canon, as Orochimaru insisted on training me in it, but I also had a pair of tekko-kagi, which were basically handheld claws, and also very useful for my taijutsu, especially since they were made of chakra steel! I could channel fucking LIGHTNING through them! I just tossed those in one of the storage seals on my wrists, since they were kinda big. I had two sets of storage seals on my wrists...one for shuriken, the other for the claws.

Once I got everything sorted, I turned back to Sai, hands on my hips.

"Alrighty, I can never remember how to get out of here, so I'm just gonna blow this shit up, okay?"

I didn't give Sai a chance to answer before I used a combination of my taijutsu and chidori stream to jump up and blast a hole in the ceiling of my room. The sudden sunlight had me blinking and squinting, and I stood with Sai in the rubble, waiting for Naruto and Sakura to show up with...Yamato? Tenzō? Fuck it, he's tree boy.

I didn't have to wait long before they arrived, and I gave a joyful wave at their dumbstruck appearances.

"Yo, let's get out of here! I've been waiting for someone to show up to get me. Before we head back to Konoha, though, I have a couple things I need to pick up."

Tree boy looked dubious. "Why should we trust anything you say?"

I gave him a blank look. "Because I'm SASUKE, DUH!!! Did you even talk to Tsunade, bro?"

He looked a bit put off by my casual form of address. "Fine...what exactly is it that you have to pick up?"

I grinned, slinging an arm around Sai's shoulders, the ROOT boy too confused to know what to do about it.

"Two things, both are at separate hideouts. Well, one is in this hideout but in order to get him to come along we have to go to the Land of Waves. You remember the Land of Waves mission, right Naruto? Sakura? Yknow, the C-rank from hell that turned into an A-rank? Yeah, we need Zabuza's sword for him. Then we need to go to Orochimaru's northern hideout to get the other guy, and I'll be the one to convince him. He has a tendency to fly into murderous rages, but he hates that part of himself and wants it to stop. So he's a good dude."

Sakura and Naruto were gaping at me, and I decided to take that as affirmation. "Alright, so time to go get the first one!!!"

I dislodged my arm from Sai's shoulders, and merrily walked back into the base. It took me a moment to remember where the fuck Suigetsu was, and I turned into the right direction after a brief pause. Everyone just followed me, and we kept walking through the darkened halls of the underground base. Though...it was taking a while to get to him. I thought the walk was shorter?

In the end it took us almost an hour to get to the right room, as I kept making wrong turns apparently. I opened the set of doors to reveal one of Orochimaru's many labs, with a large tank of water in one corner. I walked up to it, waving happily at what appeared to be an empty tank.

"Yo, yogurt boy! I told you I'd spring you from this glorified fish tank, right?" I greeted.

Suddenly a hand formed and slammed against the glass, causing Naruto and Sakura to let out startled yelps. Suigetsu's face formed next, white hair floating freely in the water.

"I told you to stop calling me that!!! And yes, you did tell me you'd get me out, so what's the holdup!?"

I grinned, reeling back a fist and punching the tank with all my might, causing Suigetsu to shout in alarm. He dissolved back into the water as it spilled out, and once it had mostly stopped he rose back up behind me, holding a finger gun to my head. While naked. Causing Sakura to screech in embarrassment.

"What's gonna keep me from putting a water bullet through your head right now, huh? I got what I wanted, freedom, so why should I follow you?" He said.

I smirked beneath my mask, not bothering to move. "Kubikiribōchō."

He froze for a moment. "...the last known person to have it was Zabuza-senpai...how the hell do you know where it is?"

My smirk broke into a grin and I spun around to face him. "Because my team and I put it by his grave after our C-rank turned A-rank mission."

Suigetsu dropped his hand, it going to his head as his other landed on his hip. "Well shit...plus I remember you telling me about how your brother is partnered with Kisame-senpai, who has Samehada...you really are my best bet at getting the swords, huh?"

I nodded. "So. We going?"

Suigetsu sighed and nodded. "Yeah, we're going..."

He started walking before Sakura shouted and punched him in the head, resulting in a splash. "...well that was rude, pinky. Aren't we going to be traveling partners?"

Sakura growled at him. "IT'S ALSO RUDE TO WALK AROUND NAKED IN FRONT OF A LADY!!!"

Suigetsu frowned and gave a contemplative hum. "I don't see any ladies here, though..."

Sakura growled and punched him again, which only resulted in more water being splashed everywhere. "WHY DO YOU JUST TURN TO WATER!?! LET ME HIT YOU, DAMMIT!!!"

Before Suigetsu could open his fat, yogurt loving mouth again I stepped in. "Kekkei genkai, Sakura. He was originally from Kiri, and the only reason his clan survived for so long was because the Nidaime Mizukage was part of his clan. He was set to basically recreate the seven swordsmen, but then Orochimaru happened."

Sakura quieted down at that, and even though she was still plainly irritated, she wasn't super pissed anymore. "...fine, but he still needs clothes."

I nodded, going over to the opposite corner of the lab where I had stashed a set of clothes and his water bottle for this exact moment. After riffling around, I pulled out the objects and brought them to Suigetsu, who's face lit up a bit at the sight of his water bottle. He got dressed, and soon enough we set off to exit the base...with Suigetsu in the lead so we didn't get lost again. Once we were once again above ground, we paused.

"Okay, so after we get you Kubikiribōchō, we are going to get Juugo." I stated.

Suigetsu paled slightly. "Y...you mean bipolar Juugo? At the northern hideout? That Juugo?"

I nodded. "Yes."

"Why!?"

"Because he's a good bean and needs love and care and friendship, no arguing this."

Suigetsu groaned, quietly bemoaning his fate but not refusing to go with us.

"Uh...Sasuke...why are we getting a bean? What kind of bean is he? Black? Azuki? Edamame? What?" Naruto asked.

Leave it to Naruto to take it too literally.

"Yes, I was wondering that as well. You speak of this 'bean' as if it is a person."

And Sai, apparently.

I sighed. "It's a nickname. When I call someone a 'bean', I mean they are cute and innocent and just too pure for this world. Nicknames are different for everyone, though. Like, some will be based on appearances, others on personality traits, and a few even from things the person has done. They're kinda like ninja titles, except they're meant for friends."

"...Sasuke, I know what a nickname is, bastard." Naruto said.

Tree boy looked to Sai, who was deep in thought, and writing notes on a little notepad. He looked up to me, brow furrowed.

"Would you calling the Hōzuki 'yogurt boy' be a nickname? And him calling Sakura 'pinky'?" He asked.

I nodded my head. "Yup! Same with Naruto calling me 'bastard'."

Sai smiles, putting away his notepad. "Okay, I think I understand...weirdo."

I grin, throwing my arm around his shoulders. "Great job, pasty! You got it! Just...never call a woman ugly, or an Akimichi fatty or fatso, okay? You will get beat up."

Sai brings out his notepad again, and scribbles that down, even underlining it.

"...I shall need time to find ones for Sakura-san and Naruto-san, though."

I pat him on the back gently, and he still lurches forwards ever so slightly. "That's okay, they can't all be thought of in an instant! Also sorry, I forget my own strength sometimes."

Sai smiles and nods. His smile is still fake and a little disconcerting, but I'm okay with it. He's still figuring out all this 'feelings' stuff. I turn to Sakura, walking up and throwing an arm around her shoulders now, ignoring her blush.

"So, you're gonna take the lead. You're the best option, because at this point Naruto is still a stamina freak and I'm a speed freak, and Tree man doesn't know where it is, neither does pasty."

She looked slightly offended at first, but then saw the logic in it and nodded, smiling slightly. "Okay, Sasuke...I'm...I'm glad you're back."

"Me too, dude. Me too. After we get back we so all gotta spar!!!"

She laughed happily, and gently removed my arm from her shoulder. "Let's get going, then!"

We all set off for the Land of Waves. I really hoped it went the way of the manga and we could just yoink it from the dirt instead of having to hunt down some rando over-compensating sleazebag for it. That would be nice. Then I could see Juugo quicker! Even though he wasn't Tiny Juugo, Regular Size Juugo would have to be good enough.

A/N: Heyoooo, back again with number ten!!! Can any of you tell at this point that I have zero clue what the fuck I'm doing and I'm just writing whatever I pull out of my ass first? Because that's exactly what's happening. I have no earthly idea where the fuck I'm going to go with this story, but I know I'm going to finish it. Somehow.

Now, we all already know how terrible Sai's nicknames are, and we all know that Sasuke is going to be an idiot and introduce him to literally everyone he knows in Konoha, so I posit a question:

What ideas do you have regarding the nicknames Sai will give other characters?