It was a beautiful mornin' in the Hazzard County Square. Beautiful, that is, if ya went there aimin' to admire the birds or sit in the gazebo and catch up on your favorite novel. But if yer are in a good mood and hopin' to stay that way, then don't go anywhere near the doors of that courthouse. Because once you pass through them, that's when things get mighty ugly.
"Will the defendants please enter the courtroom?" Judge Harper asked.
Several folks were escorted into the courtroom by lawyers and guards. The trial had brought out every citizen of Hazzard County, who gave the out of town defendants evil glares. While the defendants were not fond of their impression on the townsfolk, they were especially saddened to see the heartbreaking looks given to them by two pairs of blue eyes that sat just behind the plaintiff's table.
"Everyone be seated." The judge commanded as the defendants found their places behind their table. Everyone in the entire courtroom sat down.
"As has already been discussed…." The Judge began. "…..the defendants in this case have decided to enter the plea of 'guilty.' The purpose of our time here is to review the crimes the defendants have been accused of committing and receive the confessions for the court records. We will begin by hearing the argument from the plaintiffs' lawyer."
"Actually, your honor, I'm not a lawyer. But they did choose me to represent them here today."
"State your name please."
"My name is Cooter Davenport."
The judge arched an eyebrow. "Is that your real name?"
"Well, my Indian friends call my 'Sly Fox.'." Cooter laughed as he straightened his tie. Looking at the judge's unamused expression, he quickly sobered up. "Uh yes, your honor. Cooter is my real name."
"Then proceed, sans the wisecracks."
Cooter cleared his throat. "Your honor, I want you to look at these two boys behind me, Bo and Luke. They're members of one of the finest, if not THE finest, family in all of Hazzard County. Members….of the Duke family. A family that hadn't met a need they couldn't help with. Are you sick? Miss Daisy Duke will be over with some chicken soup this very afternoon. You need some money? Ole Jesse'll pawn his truck title to get it for ya. Got a fence down on your property? Give Luke here a call, he'll even stop by the store to pick up the supplies on his way out to help you. And Bo here, well, let's just say none of the Hazzard folks have ta worry about their daughters not havin' a date."
The latest statement brought collective laughs from the entire courtroom. Even the strangers who sat at the defendant's table laughed and looked at each other knowingly, nodding their heads as Bo smirked at having been the highlight of an unintentional joke.
"Order!" Judge Harper commanded. The courtroom quieted once again.
"And these people over here…." Cooter continued as he looked over at the defendant's table. "…..they're not from Hazzard County. Not a one of them. Yet they claim to know them. Even claim to love them, some of 'em. Yet look at my clients here." Cooter continued, sweeping his hand to draw the attention back to Bo and Luke. They're black and blue, you're honor. They've both been in the hospital. Their beloved car, the famous General Lee, sits over in the garage that I own even as we speak. Wrecked……damaged…..cut to pieces."
Cooter then looked directly behind the boys. Daisy sat there wearing her best Sunday dress-the black one with small white polka-dots- while Jesse sat next to her, trying to keep Miz Tizdale from smoothing his brilliant white hair that shone in the absence of his trusty red cap.
"Even Miss Daisy and Uncle Jesse- they have not escaped what can only be called the wrath of these….." He trailed off as he looked back at the defendants. "…….torture masterminds. They've both been hospitalized themselves. Why Daisy there, she's almost afraid to go to sleep at night. And Uncle Jesse, well, with all the frettin' he's done over his family and their property, I'm surprised he's not sittin' there in a straight jacket."
Cooter then looked at all the people of the courtroom who were whispering to each other as the events unfolded. Judge Harper banged his gavel a couple of times to bring order once again.
"And I'm sure, you're honor." Cooter continued. "…..that if you were to look past this family, if you were to interview all the people of Hazzard County that are present in this courtroom today, that you would find several instances in which the defendants have brought some sort of heartache or loss to some of them, whether it be stolen money, damaged property, or simply emotional trauma. I know, because I am one of those citizens."
The defendants glanced around the courtroom as several citizens nodded knowingly, shooting evil stares their way once again. Some of the defendants opened their mouths in shock, whispering to each other as they jerked thumbs over their shoulder to their accusers.
"The defendants are not on trial today for crimes against anyone other than the Duke family, Mr. Davenport." Judge Harper pointed out.
Cooter nodded his understanding. "In short, your honor, the Duke family has been on the receiving end of a lot of physical, emotional, and property damage. And that damage was caused entirely by the people sitting behind that table over there!" He pointed to the defendants table once again. "And what really hurts me, what really hurts the Dukes, is the fact that none of them, not a one, feels a bit guilty for what they have done. As a matter of fact, I think they've enjoyed the crimes they've committed against this family. A family who is guilty of nothing against them other than making them smile and showing them how to love."
As Cooter looked around the courtroom, satisfied that his statement had hit home for most of those in attendance, he concluded with "That's all, your honor."
As Cooter took his seat next to the Duke boys again, Judge Harper turned his attention to the defendants. "As I've stated before, the lot of you have decided to plea guilty on the accusations set before you. If that is still the case, then as I call your number, please stand up, listen to the accusations as they have been presented, and verify your plea. Defendant number one."
The first defendant stood and faced the judge. Because there were quite a few of them, the judge had ordered that a number be assigned to each of their names to make the court records easier to read, as well as to make things easier for the media and the people who listened in that day. Each defendant wore his or her number on their shirts.
"Defendant number one. You have been accused of the following crimes: Heinous amounts of emotional trauma to Beauregard Duke in the presentation of a long lost, incomplete letter. Racing the General Lee through the streets of Atlanta. Playing Miss Daisy Duke for a fool. Hospitalizing Jesse Duke. Forcing Lukas Duke into committing a federal crime. Causing both boys to be subjected to terrible drugs. Drugs, I might add, that caused one of them to turn on his own family while it nearly caused the other to live, shall we say, la substandard life. How do you plead?"
"Guilty!" Defendant number one replied with a big smile. The judge was aghast at the lack of empathy held by the defendant.
"Sit down!" He ordered. He then turned his gaze to the occupant of the next seat. "Defendant number two, please stand.
The second defendant stood. "Is this going to take very long, your honor? The Huskers game starts at noon on Channel 3 and if we can wrap this up, I might catch kickoff."
"Ha!" The judge snarled. "Huskers game. You, Miss, didn't seem very interested in football when you victimized poor Bo Duke. You have been accused of having Mr. Duke shot, of placing him in a wheelchair and giving him no hope of getting out of there. And finally, when the poor boy overcame his obstacle and saw a chance at happiness for his future, you saw fit to take that from him too. But you weren't done there. Oh no. After that, you saw fit to burden him with a horrid illness. An illness that almost took his life!"
"What are you suggesting, your honor? That I have control over diseases that strike at random?" The defendant asked.
Yes!" The judge thundered. "You have now heard the accusations as they have been presented to you. How do you plead.
"Well, now that I think about it, guilty, I guess." Defendant two sighed.
"Have a seat." The judge ordered dryly. "Defendant number three."
The third defendant stood up, rubbing sleep from her eyes and stifling a yawn before she pulled a sweater around her shoulders.
"And you." The judge snarled. "What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Well, for one I'm freezing to death, I thought Georgia was supposed to stay warm all the time. And what's with an 8:00 a.m. hearing? You people really must get up with the chickens."
"That's not what I meant!" The judge thundered. "I was looking for a confession. A confession about all the horrible acts you have performed against Lukas Duke. You've been responsible for sending him off to war, for wrecking his car, for having him shot, for……oh I can't go on. You know better than anyone here what you've done. All I can say is thank God that boy has nine lives, 'cause you've already stole eight of them. Do you deny it?"
"I can't your honor. Guilty as charged." She replied, winking at Luke.
"Take your seat." He replied harshly, with a look of disgust.
"Defendant number four." The judge continued after the fourth defendant had been ordered to stand. "Forcing Jesse Duke to say those horrid, no…..downright evil things to his nephew. I hope you realize that no matter how many years pass, Bo Duke will never completely recover from the emotional trauma you've inflicted!"
"But…." The fourth defendant began.
"Buts are for ashtrays!" The judge exclaimed. "Just enter your plea so we can get on with it."
"Guilty." The defendant replied.
The rest of the morning went on as eleven additional defendants admitted their guilt, confessing to things such as wrecking the General Lee, setting things on fire, having the family assume one of their own was dead and beyond. By the time it was complete, everyone's hatred for the defendants had increased ten-fold.
"Oh we're not done yet." Judge Harper announced as everyone began leaning forward in their seats, waiting for the sentencing.
To the surprise of many, the rear door of the courtroom was opened again and a few more defendants was ushered inside. Because the defendant's table was already overcrowded, the newcomers were forced to stand in front of the judge.
"And as if what these 'people' had done weren't bad enough……….." The judge snarled, nodding toward the defendant's table. "………You all have acted as their own personal cheerleading squad. Rooting them on as these poor boys, the Duke boys, were bashed, broken, and bloodied at their hands. Rooting them on, encouraging them to do it again and again. Why I don't know what disgusts me more. What do you people have to say for yourselves?"
"I guess we're guilty." The first person in the lineup replied, getting nods from the others.
Then join them." The judge ordered firmly as the new defendants dubbed the 'cheerleaders' joined those at the table.
"Now." Judge Harper continued, looking toward Cooter then the jury. "Is the court satisfied that these defendants have entered a plea of guilty in accordance with the law?"
As Cooter and the jury gave their assurances, Jesse and Daisy leaned forward to clasp Bo and Luke's hands, knowing that the sentence was about to be handed down.
As the judge looked out over the crowd, the moment was so tense that you could hear a pin drop. Folding his hands in front of him, he began to speak. "Many years ago there were two famous composers by the names of Gilbert and Sullivan. One of their most memorable melodies was entitled 'Let the Punishment fit the Crime.' You know, we can throw people in jail, but for the most part, all that does is teach them that there is a way to have free room and board if you don't want to irk out an honest living. I, however, prefer to believe these composers were onto something, and I believe things will turn out for the best if we follow their advice. With that in mind, I'd like to ask the 'cheerleading squad' to approach the bench again.
The nervous defendants approached the bench. Moments later, several people came through the door at the side of the judges' bench, each one handing a wrapped paper package to a defendant.
"Since you like to cheer so much….." The judge began. "You are hereby ordered to spend the next six months in these specially issued prison garments, doing as much cheering as you can stand.
In confusion, the defendants tore open their packages, expecting to find black and white stripped clothing. Instead, they found cheerleading costumes!
"You can't be serious!" One of them said, holding up a pompom.
"Gilbert and Sullivan, Miss!" The judge snarled. "Now do you want to complain or would you like to smile and accept it before I change your six month sentence into a year?"
"Go Go Go!" The defendant said with a big smile, shaking her pom pom.
"Good. You are all dismissed."
The 'cheerleaders' then filed out of the courtroom, offering sympathetic smiles to the other defendants.
"Now, will the remaining defendants please stand." Judge Harper said.
Following the judges demands, the remaining defendants rose, eyeing each other nervously as they wonderd what the judge had in store for them.
The judge then peered at each one individually before he eyed them as a group. You all…..you like weapons, don't ya?"
When no one answered, he continued. "You like to see them used against these boys. You can't deny it, because that's exactly what you all are responsible for. You've used guns, you've used fists, you've used fire. You've even gone so low as to use their own car as a weapon to hurt them."
"Give it to 'em Judge!" Bo stood and exclaimed, unable to remain quiet any longer.
"I intend to, Mr. Duke." The judge replied as Jesse and Daisy pulled him back down into a sitting position, patting his shoulders to keep his fury under control.
The people who previously delivered the cheerleading outfits then re-enterd the room with more packages. Standing in front of the defendants, they hand over those packages, packages so small that they could be mistaken as pieces of jewelry."
"In keeping with Gilbert and Sullivan's law, I present you all with a weapon today. A weapon that can cause a great deal of damage, according to another old law."
"What!" Luke exclaimed, standing up as many in the courtroom follow him.
"Sit down, Mr. Duke." Judge Harper replied.
As Luke reluctantly sits down, Judge Harper takes a deep breath and turns his attention back to the defendants. "I hereby sentence each of you to use the weapons presented to you today, continuously and without fail, no matter how much fatigue you suffer, until such time as you have either exhausted your ability to use it, or the weapon itself fails to perform."
"Well how long will that take?" Defendant number four nervously asked.
"I don't know." The judge said. "I imagine it could take quite some time. But the point is, you'll do it with enthusiasm, or punish yourselves far worse than I ever could. And despite the horrid crimes you have committed, I don't think you're bound to suffer a great deal."
As the judge concluded his speech, the defendants had opened their packages, discovering simple black ink pens inside.
"After all, you call yourselves authors don't you?"
THE END
This is out and out fluff! Hope I didn't offend anyone out there. (And if I did, so sorry, all curses shoud be sent via a private message). I've been busy working on my choose your own ending story for a long time and wanted to put something small in to let you know I was still around! It'll be done soon folks, so keep an eye out for it!