Chapter 18
On his way to the door, Sully was wondering how things could have gone so downhill within just a day. When he had left in the morning, everything had seemed to be alright. Michaela had understood that he couldn't start the expedition without any preparation, and getting to know the person he had to lead up to the peak was one of the tasks that belonged to the process. And Hannah had understood that she had to stay in town because of the rain. Why was his daughter acting this way without even a warning? Knowing that Michaela always reassured the little girl of his love it could only be something that the teacher had said or done; but on the other hand, why would he do something like that?
Still puzzled, Sully reached the door and before he closed it behind him, he looked back at the people at his table. He could tell that Chris was angry with his fiancée while Amanda looked in his direction and gave him a wink. Suddenly, he saw what Michaela must have seen as well: a young woman with shining eyes who had obviousely had a great day… a day with him. But Michaela couldn't be jealous, could she? He had told her that she was the one who held his heart… Why had she been hurt when Amanda talked about his lean-to? She could impossibly think that this meant anything; they had been there because he needed some things for his lesson…
A couple minutes later, Sully stood in the middle of the yard, waiting for Michaela and Hannah to emerge from the outhouse. Still contemplating how to approach them, he heard their soft voices and wondered what they were talking about until at last, Michaela appeared with Hannah in her arms. When she saw him standing there, she momentarily halted in her tracks, only to resume her movement more determinedly a second later. In bewilderment, Sully stepped into her way and laid his hand on her arm. "We gotta talk, Michaela."
He was quite disconcerted though when she flinched from his touch and refused to look at him. Her voice was low and strained as she replied, "Not now Sully, Hannah is tired and I don't think she should listen to our … conversation."
Although he was startled by her shortness, Sully remained calm; he was prepared to go to any length to show Michaela that he was ready to sort out their problems even if he wasn't quite sure yet what they were, but first, he would take care of his daughter.
"Come here, sweet girl." When her father reached for her, Hannah went into his arms but she avoided his gaze. She felt so tired; her plan hadn't worked and her pa would leave again; all she wanted right now was to sleep. Sully sensed that words would be lost at the moment; nevertheless, he bent back, directed the little face with his fingertips so that he could look into his daughter's eyes and told her, "I'm your father and I love you, sweet girl, and that ain't gonna change, never."
Receiving only a hesitant nod in return, he knew that he would have to take care of his child the next day, for now he just gave her a peck on the cheek and carried her towards the porch. Putting her down on the top step he told her, "Go on, we'll be right behind you."
Michaela instantly protested, "You can't just send her in, she needs..."
Recognizing his mistake, Sully immediately lifted Hannah again to take her inside.
Chris and Amanda still sat in the same spot and it seemed as if they hadn't said a word since they had been left alone. The young woman started to get frustrated; she didn't feel as if she was in any way to blame. Greeting the mountain man's return with a smile, she rolled her eyes at him. "We should have stayed in the woods, Sully, all the fun is ruined now."
Sully, however, didn't respond to her remark instead he carefully sat his daughter down on her cot. "Here, your ma will help ya undress."
While Michaela got the little girl ready for bed, Sully took a few steps away from them. Watching their interaction, he wondered again what had gone wrong; he had been a part of that closeness once but right now he felt left out.
It didn't even take one word of the bedtime story, as soon as Hannah's head hit the pillow, she was asleep. Seeing this, the four adults silently left the room; while the engaged couple wanted to head towards town, Michaela and Sully both knew that it would be better to talk outside since they didn't want to disturb the little one.
After a short, "Good night, Miss Miller," Michaela assured Chris that his help was appreciated but not needed the next morning because her first appointment was only at ten and Colleen had volunteered to be there. Amanda, however, wanted to prolong the goodbye since she could read on her fiancé's face that there would be an unpleasant discussion on their way home. Stepping closer to Sully, she held her hand out for him so he had to take it. Laying her free hand of their already united ones she told him, "I want to thank you for a wonderful day Sully. I had so much fun; I'm looking forward to resume that tomorrow."
Sully wriggled his hand out of hers; he grew uncomfortable not just because he could tell that this time not only had Michaela tensed up but the teacher as well; he didn't like the insinuation that shone through Amanda's tone either, so he said, "Just a little reminder, I ain't taking you places and showing you things to have fun. I've made a promise to your fiancé, that's all."
Before Amanda could respond, Chris dragged her away, telling her, "That's enough, let's go."
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Still standing in the yard a few minutes later, Michaela and Sully hadn't started the inevitable conversation yet. Michaela didn't even know where to begin and Sully feared that he would say something wrong. As the silence grew more and more uncomfortable though, he decided that talking about Hannah would be the most appropriate first step but before he began he suggested, "C'mon, let's sit down."
After they were seated on their step of the porch stairs, Sully noticed the space Michaela had made sure was between them and he knew that this was more than the spatial distance. He didn't dare to take her hand or lay his arm around her shoulder although he desperately needed to touch and to feel her.
Finally, he thought he might have found the right words. "I could use your help 'cause I don't understand why my daughter thinks she needs another father. I keep telling her that I love her…"
Michaela had decided that this time, she wouldn't hold back; she had come to the conclusion that the whole situation was partly her fault because she always had found an excuse for Sully's behaviour and explained it to Hannah, and so she cut him off. "You tell her the words, Sully, and that's all what they've started to be for Hannah, just words."
He really tried to understand, but he didn't. "Whatcha talkin' about?"
Taking a deep breath, Michaela knew it was now or never. "You tell her you love her but you show her that there are things that are more important to you than she is."
"Ya mean when I was out huntin'?"
Michaela nodded. "For instance."
"Well, the Cheyenne children never complain when their fathers have to leave for several days and I thought that Hannah had understood that as well, we told her why it was important." Sully still didn't see the point.
Lightly shaking her head, Michaela responded, "Your daughter isn't Cheyenne, she doesn't live in a village where everyone is a part of a big family; she doesn't know that going hunting means when her father comes back the hunger will be gone for a while. All she knows is that her pa leaves because there is something more important than her."
Silence fell between them while Sully contemplated her words and Michaela hoped he would understand. After a few long moments, he said quietly, "Maybe you are right, but I can't change the things from the past…"
As his voice trailed off and he didn't continue, Michaela hoped that he would consider her next words as well. "You could change your plans for Easter."
With a quick movement of his head, Sully turned towards her. "I can't do that; I gave them my word!" Saying this, is tone rose a notch.
And so did hers when she exclaimed, "What about the words you gave to your child? I hope you know that the damage will be irreparable if you don't return in time for her birthday!"
Sully tried to lower his voice and he sounded sincere when he replied, "I will be, I promise."
Hearing his last words, Michaela lost her temper and jumped up from the step. "You promise? How can you say that! Since you are such an expert for living outside you know perfectly well that unexpected things could happen that might prevent you from coming back in time!"
Slowly straightening as well, Sully watched her thoughtfully; he could tell that there was something else. "This ain't only about Hannah; you don't wanna see me leaving either, right?"
Michaela didn't answer; she knew if she agreed, she might regret it later. She also knew she would never forgive herself if he stayed only because she had asked him to and that he would never forget it either.
Sully made a tentative step in her direction and took her hand. She didn't pull it away this time although she still flinched at his touch. His voice was tender when he said, "You know that I love ya, don't ya?"
Looking up into his eyes, she quietly and ambiguously replied, "You told me so."
Growing impatient, Sully let go of her hand. "What's that supposed to mean? You should know by now…"
"Should I? How? Because you keep telling me?" Her temper rose again as well.
Taking a deep breath, Sully tried to compose himself, being angry wouldn't help right now although he became it. However, at this moment he remembered what he had thought earlier, when he had seen the teacher's fiancée sitting at his table… Tentatively, he lifted his hand to touch her cheek, "If this is about Amanda…," Michaela instinctively took one step back, away from him. "… she is just good company and eager to learn, that's all."
She didn't react to his statement and he couldn't and didn't want to imagine what she was thinking. "Michaela?"
Michaela contemplated how much of her fears she should show him. If she didn't do it now… well, she had to face it some day anyway and so she worked up the courage to tell him, "You always seem awfully close to your companions and friends."
Sully let out a long breath, he knew she'd made her last remark because of Flying Sun but he had to concentrate on Amanda right now because they would leave together in only a couple of days. "Michaela, I have to teach and show Amanda things that will be essential for our trip, you gotta understand that this is all what I will do with her."
Michaela looked at him; obviously, he didn't take her seriously. "Showing her your lean-to is essential? I have asked you a few times where you spend your nights, but you never told me, let alone showed me!"
He could sense from her tone that she was upset although she had kept her voice low. He stared at her, unbelievingly. "You're making a fuss because she saw my lean-to? You can't be serious…"
Her voice was quiet when she interrupted him and gave him another look into her soul as she confessed, "I wanted to be able to picture you at night; what you see just before you close your eyes and what you hear when you wake up…" She trailed off and didn't dare to look at him.
Sully swallowed hard, why hadn't he recognized that she wanted to know more about him when she had asked? He had thought nothing of it; where he slept was just a place… Reaching for her hands again, he said softly, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize how important this was for you; I'll take you there as soon as I can. I can cut some things shorter tomorrow, we will just practice the things I showed her today so we can be back earlier than I planned and I'll take you out there. How does that sound?"
For Michaela it felt as if all the words she had just told him had fallen on deaf ears. Was it too much to ask that he would forget Amanda at least for now? What on earth had she been thinking when she had thought he might be the one who would understand her? Obviously, he felt closer to that other woman that he hadn't even known a week yet than he did to her. As she sensed that she would lose her composure any moment, she took her hands out of his, turned away from him and murmured, "There's no need for that, and now if you'll excuse me, I have to look after Hannah."
But Sully didn't let her go so easily. Gripping her arm he tried to reassure her, "Michaela, please, don't you know by now that you are the one I love?"
Hearing this statement, she decided to let go of her reserve and gave him a look into her heart. Her eyes showed all her vulnerability when she searched for his gaze. "You love me? Then tell me, Sully, how would you feel if I had said yes to Chris' offer and went with him to Denver? How would you feel knowing I'd spent the night with him in the same room, maybe even the same bed, warmed by his arms?"
Instantly, his temper rose again and so did his voice. "That was just a joke to provoke you and it seems that it worked. You know I'd never… You can't compare that, that ain't the same!"
"You are right, Sully, it's not the same because I would never kiss my friends…" Suddenly feeling embarrassed because she had gone so far, maybe too far, Michaela stopped. Not waiting for Sully's response, she turned away and entered the homestead, leaving him alone outside, stunned.
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The other couple walked in silence on its way home. Impatience shone through her tone when Amanda finally spoke, "Aw, come on Chris, you know that I was just joking when I talked to Sully, and I really don't understand why you all make such a fuss because of that girl. She shouldn't get everything she wants just because she is a cute little girl; she will soon be a spoiled little girl. When I was her age…"
"When you were her age, you had six doting brothers and a father who read every wish from your eyes."
Amanda wasn't used to hearing anger in her fiancé's voice. For a moment, she was insecure and she glanced at him but decided to give her opinion, no matter what. "Sully was relaxed all day but as we entered his home and he saw this woman, he got all tensed up as if he feared he might say something wrong any minute. If you ask me, he deserves better and obviously, he knows that, they aren't even engaged."
Chris stopped walking and grasped Amanda's arm so she had to face him. His tone didn't show any emotion as he reminded her, "But you are."
Startled, she hastily tried to assure him, "Oh Chris, it's not what you think. I just can't stand the thought that such an interesting man loses his fire because of a woman like Dr. Mike who has no idea how to treat him right."
But Chris knew better. "It's not about Dr. Mike and we both know that. You just can't live without gaining the attention of a man who peeks your interest, I've seen that before," he reminded her.
As she looked down to avoid his gaze, he added, "I'm really starting to regret that I took Sully up on his offer to lead you to the peak. I don't want you to cause any trouble for he and Dr. Mike, do you understand me?"
Amanda had never been one for taking advice like this. "Come on Chris, if everything was alright between them, I couldn't do any damage, and you know that."
The teacher shook his head and resumed walking as he quietly told her, "You should consider that you might do the damage to us, honey."
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On his way to his lean-to, Sully's bewilderment had turned into anger. What else should he do so that Michaela would finally trust him? Nothing had ever happened with Amanda and it never would; he was sure of that because there was only one woman who held his interest. Why didn't she believe him? He kept telling her…Suddenly, her words echoed through his head, "You tell her the words, Sully, and that's all that they have started to be for Hannah, just words." Maybe it was the same for Michaela… "I wanted to be able to picture you at night; what you see when you close your eyes and what you hear when you wake up…" Obviously, he hadn't listen carefully enough when she had asked him to show her his lean-to, he'd just thought it wasn't important. Well, he had been proved wrong now… Would he ever learn to do the right thing when it came to Michaela? … And she had told him that the things he said didn't mean the same as the things he showed her. Maybe it was time to correct that mistake. Smiling to himself, he already felt new energy coursing through his mind because he knew how to do that.
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In the morning, when the sun wasn't even up yet, Sully was on his way into town. He first rode to Charlotte Coopers new home because he would need Colleen's help with his plan. In Amanda's cabin next to the Cooper's house, he saw that a light was already burning and so he first knocked there. The young woman was pleased to see him, "You are up quite early, Sully. Well, more time for us to spend together. Come in, I'll make us some breakfast."
Sully, however, met her expectant smile with complete indifference. "I'm only here to cancel our plans for the morning. Maybe we go to the creek in the afternoon, I'm not sure yet."
Amanda didn't hold back with her disappointment, "But you said we would spend all day together, you can't just come and tell me that you changed the plan!"
"Well, I did, that's all I have to say. You can practice how to make a fire by yourself, you don't need me for that. I gotta go." Sully didn't care that Amanda abruptly turned and went off to sulk in her room; Michaela was the one who was important right now and he had to hurry to get back to the homestaed before Michaela left.
Half an hour later in the yard, he got the wagon ready for Colleen who would take Hannah into town. He didn't listen to Michaela's protests and this time, he had his daughter on his side after he had told her that he needed to do something to make her ma happy. Another thirty minutes later, Sully pulled his horse in to a halt as they reached their first destination, he dismounted and helped Michaela down as well.
She, however, still didn't like the change of her plans. "Sully, if you want to show me your lean-to right now, you don't need to do that. I have to go back into town; I need to do some paperwork at the clinic…"
It was as if her voice didn't exist for Sully. He held her left hand tightly clasped in his right one and carefully guided her on a for her eyes invisible way up a hill. After a few minutes of walking and gaining no respond from Sully, Michaela saw that her objections were fruitless and just followed him.
When they reached the crest of the mountain, Sully carefully led her in front of a huge rock. He still held her hand when he silently looked around. Michaela was stunned; she had never before seen a sight like this. Her gaze met a vista of unmatched beauty; the sky was cloudless and blue and seemed to be unending as it hovered above the Rockies that lay at her feet.
Her tone showed her awe as she told him, "Oh Sully, it's beautiful."
"This is where I come when I lose my way and gotta find it again."
Touched, Michaela looked at him.
Quietly, Sully added, "I've never shown this place to anyone, not even Abigail."
After a few moments, he turned his head to look into her eyes and he could see that she had understood. Each felt that there was hope for a connection again, a connection at the most important place – their hearts.