A/N: Well, chapter 57 of Agent Reach is here after another long delay. Yikes. Thankfully, my Elder Scrolls story is now done, which means a little more time to dedicate to this. Word of advice: don't let the amount of fics you're working on reach into the double digits. You'll go insane if you do.

Also, 300K-plus views! Holy fucking Christ, ya'll are awesome

*Chapter 57*

"So, let me get this straight. You not only married a perfect clone of a Spartan who was at the time the Director's wife, but you also impregnated her?" Jun asked incredulously. He was walking alongside Reach and Washington onboard their ship and the Spartan IV trainer shook his head in disbelief. "I call bullshit, now."

"See for yourself." Reach only smirked and led him to the bridge, and no sooner did the door open then a blonde and black blur leapt at him. He caught her and planted a kiss on her head, amused by the welcome he got. "Thanks for the welcoming attack hug, Allison. Did I miss a party of some kind?"

"No. I just thought you could use a hug after being in that awful dustbowl of a desert." Texas grinned at him and gave him a mischievous wink, and her dark gaze flickered over to Jun. "Ah, you must be the barber. Giving Adam here a new haircut? He could use one."

"I object to that false claim. My hair is fine the way it is," Reach grumbled, taking a hand and flattening down his brown hair. It was starting to grow out a little due to his lack of cutting it recently, but there was no way in hell he was going to let someone else cut it for him. Watching Emile prank sleeping ODSTs with a buzzer was enough to make him paranoid when it came to his hair.

Jun chuckled and he extended his hand out to the blonde. "You must be Adam's wife, I presume? Agent Texas?"

"That's right," she answered proudly, wrapping an arm around Reach and messing with his hair before taking Jun's hand for a proper greeting. "Name's Allison. So, you're one of the Spartans that was once a part of Adam's team during the war."

"Correct." Jun said. "We were part of Noble Team. This one here claims that you are…well, pregnant. Is this true?"

"Yes. Wait…why?"

"…there may have been a bet made during our Noble Team days that Adam would get experimented on by an alien before he got laid."

"Seriously? You've gotta be fuckin' kidding me." Texas sighed and rubbed her head as if she now had a headache. "Whose idea was that?"

"Emile," Reach and Jun replied at the same time, both of their voices containing annoyance and amusement. "Also known as the source of half of my headaches prior to meeting the Reds." 'Goddammit. How the fuck do you cause me this much stress even when you're dead?'

"And the wager?" Texas asked.

"A six pack of beer." Reach let out a bored yawn, and he stopped when he heard a ping from the ship's radar. "What the hell is that? Alpha, are you picking that up?"

The white AI flashed up and nodded. "Yeah, dude. Picking up another Project Freelancer signal. This one's coming from…Blood Gulch. Well, fuck me. I was really hoping to never go back there again, man. It's a shitty fucking miserable pit of hell."

'Trust me, you're not the only one who thinks that about Blood Gulch,' Reach thought dryly. 'I myself was also hoping not to see it again for a long time.' He strode over to the control panel, activating the holographic display. "Well, can you identify it further?"

"Yeah. Just give me a second." Alpha disappeared, and after a few seconds he was back. "Holy shit. You're not going to believe this one, man. It's an armor transmitter. A Freelancer is hailing us."

"Which one?" Washington asked.

"It's…it's Carolina," Alpha answered.

The bridge was quiet, and Reach broke the silence by letting out a slow whistle. "Well…shit. How long for us to reach her?" 'You're alive after all, Carolina. I should've figured you would be. You are way too stubborn to just keel over and die. Definitely take after your mother there.'

"Dude, Blood Gulch is on the ass-end of colonized space and the UNSC doesn't give two shits about it; as far as they're concerned, it's an empty dustbowl with nothing of value. It'll take us at least a week to get there via Slipspace," Alpha replied, groaning in annoyance. "Fuck me, man. Does that mean I have to spend a week with another government sanctioned sociopath on board before we pick up your daughter in law?"

"Yes you…wait, what was that last bit?" Jun looked confused, then he looked and forth from Reach to Texas. The blonde Freelancer was struggling to contain her laughter, and Reach let out a heartfelt swear.

"Fuck. I forgot about that." Reach rubbed his head with a chuckle and he failed to conceal his grin. "I'm not sure if you know this, but Agent Carolina is the Director's daughter. That makes me, well, her father in law now that I married Tex."

"…goddammit Adam. When we made the 'entire family' jokes, those weren't meant to be taken seriously; we didn't want you to follow through with them."

"I'm not into that crap and you know it. I'm not Emile. One woman is enough for me to handle."

"And that's why I love you." Texas winked and gave his rear a squeeze. "Faithful, warm, and a beast in bed."

"Thank you for advertising our sex life," Reach muttered dryly, swatting her hand away. "Now I'm going to never hear the end of it from this pain in the ass." He jerked his thumb towards Jun, who was currently trying very hard to conceal his snickers. 'Well, fuck. More blackmail material.'

"Hey, I didn't say a word," he objected. "In fact, I was going to congratulate you on finding yourself such a good woman."

"Somehow, I find that really hard to believe."

"Always the pessimist, Adam."

"Shut up, Jun."

"He's not wrong. You are Mr. Grumpy Pants a lot of the time," Texas chimed in with a grin, elbowing him in the stomach playfully. "Even though you're going to be a father. Our poor whittle child is gonna be afraid of their rough and tough dad~."

"Allison, he doesn't need any help…" Reach could feel yet another headache approaching, and instead he turned to Alpha. The white AI was struggling to contain his snickers, and he put his hands up when Reach sent him a glare. "Alpha, get us into Slipspace. I want this tub moving thirty seconds ago. Now move it." 'And get me a fucking pay raise while you're at it, you goddamned light bulb.'

"Hey, I'm still in here, you know," Eta returned, a bit of hurt in his tone. "I heard that."

'That was for Alpha, not you. You are really useful. He's an asshole,' the ex Spartan thought irritably, continuing to glare at Alpha as the ship's Slipspace engines started to activate. He really couldn't stand him, smart AI or not. If he wasn't such a valuable asset to their operation, Reach probably would've thrown him out of the fucking airlock a long time ago.

"…I can't really argue with you on that."

'That's what I thought.'

Reach sighed and rubbed his jaw, feeling the stubble now beginning to grow. He needed to shave again, but somehow he was completely out of shaving cream. "Hey, Wash? Do you happen to have any shaving cream left? For some reason that is unknown to me, I'm completely out."

"No." Washington shook his head. He too was beginning to grow a bit of a beard, though his was much coarser than Reach's. "I was going to ask you if you had any left over. All of mine is gone, too. Maybe Maine has some?"

Right on cue, they all heard an annoyed roar come from the bathroom down the hall, and Reach rolled his eyes. "Well, there's Maine discovering he's out. Fucking perfect." 'Oh goddammit. How is it that all of the people who actually need to shave don't have any fucking cream? I smell a sabotage.'

Maine thundered down the hall growling angry death threats, and when he arrived on the bridge, his dark eyes searched around in an attempt to find the bastard responsible for this latest prank.

"Lemme guess, you're out too?" Reach sighed and looked over at his wife knowingly. "Did you have anything to do with this?" He knew very well that when Texas was alone and bored, she let her mischievous side run rampant and pretend to be innocent later. After all, it was her who spray painted the word 'Puma' on the Warthog in pink spray paint while he wasn't looking when they were in Blood Gulch.

Texas put her hands up in surrender, shaking her head. "Look, I know that when I'm bored dangerous shit happens—"

"Understatement of the year," Washington muttered, earning a snicker from Jun and Alpha.

"But even I know better than to try and prank Maine," Texas finished, glaring at Washington. "There are easier and less painful ways to commit suicide."

Maine looked like he wanted to murder a box of puppies and kittens with the nearest blunt object he could get his hands on right now. His fists were tight and he turned to storm off when he bumped into a freshly shaven Grif.

Reach wanted to laugh at the look on Grif's face. The poor bastard had probably never been so terrified in his life and he looked up at Maine's murderous glare with a nervous laugh. "Um…is it too late to tell you that I had to borrow some of your shaving cream and I planned on buying you some more later?"

Maine let out a furious growl, and Grif gulped before he tried to run away as fast as his chubby legs could take him. However, Maine was much faster than he was, and the massive brute of a Freelancer grabbed him by the foot and stormed out of the bridge with loud stomps that shook the very fabric of reality.

"No, please!" Reach heard Grif shout pleadingly. "I want to live, I WANT TO LIVE!" His cries were silenced once the doors to the bridge slammed shut, though they could all still hear the furious stomps from Maine as he dragged Grif to face was what inevitably going to be a very slow, brutal, and painful demise.

Reach sighed and looked over at Alpha. The white AI put a hat over his heart and began to play on a trumpet he conjured up. The Freelancers and Jun all bowed their heads, for it was the tune played during military funerals.

It felt oddly fitting. There was simply no way in hell Maine wasn't going to murder Grif this time.

"Well…" Jun murmured. "This has been a certainly interesting turn of events. Does this kind of stuff happen often?"

"By stuff, do you mean trying to find different and painful ways to beat Grif's ass for stupid shit? Yes," Reach answered dryly. "Sadly. You'd think he would have fucking learned by now, but seemingly nothing gets through that thick skull of his, though." 'Why? Why does he insist on doing stupid shit?'

"Oh, Jun? Cough up those beers." Reach smirked. "I need a couple of drinks to deal with the headache this shit caused."

The Spartan III cursed in annoyance, running a hand over his smooth bald head. "Fuck. What kind do you want? I'll make sure to pick some up the next time I borrow the car, Dad."

"Guinness. The good shit. You know my taste in beer by now."

Jun groaned and slumped over, earning a sympathetic pat on the back from both Washington and Texas. "Damn. You're such a tyrant now. Anyway, what do you plan on doing once you meet up with Carolina?"

"Simple. I'll ask her to join us in our mission to take down the Director," Reach replied calmly. "We know her; she's the kind of stubborn pain in the ass that tries to take on too much by herself. This is something she can't do alone. She'll need the support, both physically and mentally. It is never easy for a child to confront their own parent, regardless if they're an asshole or not. She'll need someone there for her when the time comes."

"I'll do it," Washington said quietly. His grey eyes were on the ground, but Reach could hear the calm determination in his tone along with something else. "I owe her a lot. Not only did she save my ass on multiple occasions, but she taught me practically everything I knew when Project Freelancer was still around. The least I can do is be there for her when she needs it most."

'It's not just admiration you feel for her, is it Wash? You care for her in more ways than just one. Shit, best of luck in that endeavor.' Reach glanced at Texas knowingly, and she gave him the most subtle of nods as to not be detected by Wash. Jun looked at them curiously, but he didn't say a word.

It was probably for the best, at the moment; the last thing Reach wanted was for Washington to do something rash. "Don't worry. We all have her back. We're in this mess together." 'Hang in there, Carolina. We're coming. It'll be a relief to see your face again.'

'And someone in particular will be really glad to see you.'

He just hoped for Carolina's sake that she could handle waiting for them in Blood Gulch. Reach chuckled quietly at the thought. He knew Carolina; the poor woman was probably going insane from the horrible box canyon.

If they arrived and she wasn't whimpering in the fetal position or swearing up a storm that would make a sailor jealous, Reach would permanently give up drinking.

Though something told him that Carolina would definitely lose her shit in the next few hours. If the bases weren't completely on fire, the ex Spartan would be impressed. "Hey, Jun? Want to make another quick bet?"

"Sure. Why not?" Jun shrugged. "What's the bet?"

"How much do you want to bet that Carolina is going to burn the Red and Blue bases down in the time it takes us to get there? I'll throw in a pack of smokes and a bottle of whiskey that she will," Reach offered.

"Deal." Jun stuck out his hand to confirm the bet. "Something tells me I already lost, though…she didn't seem the kind of person who'd kindly take to being in a horrible desert for long sitting on her ass."

"Dude, you have no idea." Washington snorted in laughter and rubbed his tired grey eyes. "You should've seen her after we were stationed on Arcadia."

"What happened?" Reach asked. Texas immediately began to snicker, and she looked at her husband.

"Babe, you're gonna want to make some popcorn for this one. This is one juicy story."

"Fuck! Fuck everything in this fucking universe! Fuck this fucking canyon!" Carolina screamed out and began to roll explosives into what appeared to be the Blue Base. "FUCK IT!"

Two days. Two long, fucking days. That's how long she was stuck in Blood Gulch, and having nothing to do for forty eight hours had made her crack. She was not a patient person at heart, and it was definitely something that was one of her biggest faults. Being a Freelancer, she thrived on the action and thrill of combat. She loved the feeling of her knife cutting through an enemy like butter and the harsh recoil of a Sniper Rifle against her shoulder.

The adrenaline that pumped through her veins during a hard fight or training session was addicting, like a drug. She needed it in order to not go insane.

And sadly, she had neither in her brief time here in this shitty desert canyon in the middle of bumfuck nowhere. It was simply too fucking hot to train; she tried to get a few workouts done, but the blazing sun seemed to penetrate her armor's hydrostatic gel layer and she found herself sweating way too hard to concentrate on the session.

Well, fuck you too, weather.

Carolina had snapped. Her sense of murder was spiking, and right now she needed to burn off some steam the only way she could.

Burn down the heretic filth that was plastered all over the walls of Blue Base. Someone had posted giant porn posters on nearly every square inch of Blue Base's interior, and to say she was pissed off at the sight was an understatement.

If she had a choice between eating a bucket of ice cream or bashing a baby seal on the head with the blunt side of an axe to cool down, she'd take the axe and seal.

"The heretical filth must be purged!" She aimed her BR85 and fired, and the entire Blue Base nearly blown apart from the resulting explosion. She was glad her helmet cam was rolling; she'd rewatch the tape later on when it wasn't so unbearably hot and enjoy the beautiful slow motion footage.

She admired the massive column of smoke that came from the ruins of Blue Base, and the redhead allowed herself to smile. It was like a serene work of art, the way the smoke billowed and the flames danced as they hungrily devoured the heresy.

Carolina pulled off her helmet and sighed, running a hand through her hair. "Ah…I needed that. That felt good."

"Now…where the fuck is my flamethrower? I'm not done here." 'Dammit Wash. I wish you were here. You could admire a fire like no one else in Project Freelancer.'

There was more heretical filth for her to purge, and she chuckled at the thought of Reach and Texas coming while she was commencing her exterminatus. Reach would probably sigh in a 'Oh you've gotta be fucking kidding me' manner while Texas would cheer and ask to join in.

Yep, she'd definitely join in. Hell, Maine probably would, too. The big man never liked to show it, but he had a certain love of pyrotechnics when nobody was looking. Carolina could recall the amount of times she heard small explosions and quiet cackles coming from his room in the most ungodly hours of the night before Reach joined Project Freelancer.

Carolina searched in the trunk of the Puma she brought over from Red Base and after rummaging around for a few seconds, she found exactly what she was looking for. Big. Shiny. Sexy.

And completely fueled up and ready to burn shit down.

"Burn it all!"

She was really glad no one was able to see her like this, purging heretical filth with mad cackles and a flamethrower in hand.

A/N: And that's it XD. I'm sorry, but the thought of Carolina going full Warhammer 40K was just too fucking funny to pass up. I needed this kind of humor again, if you ask me. My dark Skyrim story really fucked with me mentally.

See you!

C. Strife #5371