Chapter 20 - Of the Past: Moving On

As much as Aerith loved being back home with mom, she could admit, the comfy chair in Doctor Redman's office was growing on her. "I hope you don't mind, but when I'm 1st Class, I'm buying this chair from you and putting it in my appartment."

Redman gave a hearty laugh, watching her sink into it. "Maybe I'll give it to as a present at some point."

The therapist shifted focus. "Now, I believe we will be starting on your life... post laboratory."

"Honestly," said Aerith, "It didn't really become that until the end of the first year. It took... awhile for me to adjust, for mom to become mom, rather than a scared woman so far over her head."

"What was it like, at first?"

Aerith gave a sad smile. "I was little more than a doll to begin with, her words not mine. She didn't mean anything offensive by it, she was just..."

She shook her head. "I treated my home as the new labs. I put my life into a structured routine. Wake up, be ready when Elmyra came check on me, shower, brush my teeth, brush my hair, help with chores, read the various books she had on shelves, then I'd... just sit in my room, on my bed, and wait, and wait, and wait..."

"She'd check up on me," said Aerith quietly, "Anxious, worried, and whenever she opened the door at first, I'd ask if it was time for an experiment. She'd just... pale and start stuttering and then leave, to overwhelmed to deal with a screwed up little girl."

"That's not being fair to yourself."

"It's the truth," said Aerith with a shrugged, "She told me that I didn't have to act like a doll to be led about on strings, that I could go outside and play if I wanted to. Do you know what I said after that?"

Redman hesitated. "What?"

"I asked her what 'play' was, what the word meant," said Aerith bitterly.

"Hojo," Redman closed her eyes for a long moment, breathing in and out her nose. "I see."

"She hugged me for a long time after that," said Aerith softly, "Said she was so sorry, and I had no idea why at the time, she hadn't done anything wrong. She..."

She licked her lips and looked away. "She took me to the park. I saw... I saw other children playing for the first time, and I just... I froze up. I watched them all laughing and running around and I just... I ran away. I ran back to her house, I ran to my room, and I hid under the bed. I wanted to go back to the labs, to the poking, the prodding, the pain, what I understood, over facing that."

"Over acknowledging how badly Hojo had wronged you, over understanding it," said Redman softly, "Over facing something new."

"It took a few days for me to work up the nerve to go back," admitted Aerith, "I... remember being so confused, so afraid... acting anything like that in the labs was grounds for immediate and severe punishment. I just... watched. Studied them. The other children. Tried to understand. I couldn't figure it out, there was no rhyme or reason, they seemed happy for no apparent reason. I..."

She wringed her hands together. "One of them approached me once, asked if I wanted to play ball. I... I froze again, but mom was there and said it was alright. So... I tried. I understood the concept loosely, that I was supposed to catch a ball when thrown to me and toss it at someone else. I did what everyone else did... but... I couldn't fathom why it made them happy. Everyone was smiling and laughing and giggling but me. And... they noticed."

A bitter smile crossed her face. "They said if I didn't like the game, I didn't have to play. I asked an honest question, why they enjoyed throwing a ball around... they just looked at me, and I started babbling about reasons and methodology, was the game some kind of reward for good behavior..."

She shook her head. "It was the first time someone called me a freak, and it wouldn't be the last time."

"Children can be cruel," offered Redman.

"I was a freak, Doctor Redman," said Aerith with a sigh, "I wasn't normal, wasn't... right. It was a long time before I was anything close to passable in a social setting. But... those first few months ruined my future in the slums."

"How so?"

"Stigmas linger," she answered, "That incident in the park was just the first of many. During that first year I... introduced myself to people as Specimen A... that always got me strange and wary looks. They called me the brain addled girl. The girl who heard things. The freak. There's all sorts of names they stuck me with."

Aerith touched the memories, the sensation of isolation and loneliness. "Aside from my mother, the Planet, unless you count drug addicts or other messed up people or homeless people who stayed at the church... I... I had no one else until Zack..."

She shivered, feeling the weight of it, of all those years where no one but her mom reached out for her...

"That's enough for today's session," said Redman softly, setting down her notepad and walking over to rest a hand on Aerith's shoulder. "I'm so sorry your years free had to be like that."

Aerith gave her a tired smile. "At least there were no Hojo in anywhere but my nightmares."

Redman flinched a little before nodding. "At least there was that..."

"At what point did you start really adjusting to life outside the labs?"

Aerith twirled a bit of her hair around a finger. "I'm... not really sure how to answer that."

"Why?"

Aerith averted her eyes. "I'm... pretty sure I... had a breakdown of some kind. That period of time, towards the end of the first year, is... really hazy in my mind. I know mom had been pressing me. Pointing out how things should be, that I can be happy, be a kid. That Hojo was a bad person."

The therapist's eyebrows furrowed. "But you already knew that."

"Did I?" asked Aerith sullenly, "I chose Ifalna over him not because I thought he was bad, but because he did everything he did for himself and his twisted form of science, while Ifalna did everything she did for me. Because he brought pain while she brought comfort. It was a logical choice. Not based off right or wrong, I had no concept of that notion at the time."

She put her arms around herself protectively. "I saw people cut up in the labs and thought it was normal, Doctor Redman. Do you have any idea just how sick and twisted I could have grown up to be if it wasn't for my mom fixing me?"

Redman's eyes narrowed. "Aerith, you are not a machine that needed to be fixed."

"Depends on who you ask," muttered Aerith, "Some people say were animals, some people say were biological machines."

"That makes no sense," said Redman before pausing, "Hojo?"

Aerith adopted a nasal voice. "You can explain any behavior from a human as a series of chemical reactions in the brain, with variance for gender, experiences, and personal will, with some predispositions dependent on DNA."

A disgusted look crossed Redman's face. "I will never understand him, nor do I think I'd want to."

Aerith didn't answer. She understood far more about that sick and twisted mind that anyone sane would ever dare to. Had been so close to becoming like that...

"Do you remember the mantra?" Aerith asked quietly, "That mom said?"

Redman nodded.

"The breakdown... the freakout... whatever you want to call it...," said Aerith, swallowing, looking away, "Was when I finally accepted that Hojo was bad, was well and truly evil... that... that I was like him... that I was bad and evil..."

"Aerith, that's not true!"

"Wasn't it?" asked Aerith, "I walked a team through dissecting a living human being when I was a child. I was raised to think and act and feel like Hojo did. I was being shaped to be completely and utterly evil, without humanity or compassion."

Aerith clutched her arms around herself. "The truth shattered me."

"Oh Aerith..."

Aerith looked away for a long moment. "You were right. The others were right. I'm not okay, at all. Are you happy now?"

"Yes and no," said Redman softly, "I'm glad you understand, so you can truly start healing from your past, but I don't want you to beat yourself up about it. What you've gone through would destroy the vast majority of humanity if any one of us were to go through it."

"My past," she murmured bitterly, "I think, that my past is how Jenova would have converted me in that other vision. Would have used my pain and suffering and hate to twist me if I didn't get help to deal with it."

"What do you mean other vision?" asked Redman, startled.

"Minerva tried to show me other potential futures, to guide or warn me," admitted Aerith, "Most are a jumbled mess, but some I can remember better. In one of them..."

She trailed off, swallowing heavily. "In one of them, I called Jenova mother, she called me daughter, and I murdered Sephiroth in the Calamity's name."

She bows her head, trying to stabilize her breathing, feeling panic and fear and self-loathing breaking her control.

"Oh... oh Aerith," whispered Redman, moving to sit on the arm of the chair and draw Aerith into a hug.

"Sephiroth stopped it," sobbed Aerith, "Called me out for being stupid and impatient, wanting to go off on my own and kill Jenova. I would have been isolated, captured, they would have used me to eventually get around the immunity to infect and convert me. I never learned... I went off on my own from Avalanche and died, I would have went off my own and ruined everything. I would have killed an good man who tried to save me, who held back to try and pull me free of Jenova rather than put me down, and I would have called him weak for it."

"I'll always have that monster in me, that potential," whispered Aerith, vision blurring with tears.

"Everyone does Aerith, everyone does, it's how we control that beast that matters," soothed Redman, "Enough for today. Work on your breathing, in and out, in and out, breath Aerith, breath..."

"My... first concrete memory after shattering, was gardening, working alongside mom to plant seeds," said Aerith fondly, "We'd do that often. It... brought me peace, to hear the planet's soothing tone, even if I might not have understood it at the time."

"It offers concentration, something to focus on," said Redman, nodding, "It gives a sensation of progress as you see your works bear fruit over time."

Aerith paused to toy with the idea. "Maybe?"

Redman smiled a bit. "It does. Gardening, or other progressive hobbies where you make concrete steps, is a common technique I've suggested to people when they start to become overwhelmed by their trauma when alone. Something to focus on rather than the pain, and potentially giving into it."

Aerith tilted her head for a moment, trying not to take offense. "I was never suicidal."

"I didn't say you were, I was just explaining why I suggest things like that, though, you and your mother were ahead of the curve on that."

"I suppose," murmured Aerith, "Things... just settled down I guess. She slowly taught me how to be a kid, how to play and have fun. But... most of the damage was already done between me and the other kids. So, I mostly played by myself."

She smiled a little. "Explored by myself to, was how I found my church. I gave my Turk watchers all kinds of fits trying to keep me out of trouble. Not only did I have a more tolerance for pain and dangerous situations, but I lacked a developed sense of what I shouldn't do or get into."

Her smile faded and she looked away. "I interacted with the Turks more than I did children my age, and they made a point to be distant most of the time."

"You were lonely."

"Terribly," admitted Aerith, "And it didn't lessen for years. I had mom, I sometimes interacted with homeless people or orphans, but... I... didn't have any friends. People were to afraid of me, or thought I was a freak. I tried to be nice... but... that more often than not got me taken advantage of. The slums really weren't a nice place..."

She looked down at her hands. "When I was eleven... I was lured into an alleyway... the man threw me into the wall and ripped my clothes off... but... Reno got there in time. Beat the man into a bloody pulp while I was crying on the ground. Reno was viscous, I can remember having blood on my hands and face that weren't my own. He..."

She swallowed, a horrific scream and the stench of melting flesh assaulted her. "Have you ever seen a shock-rod shoved through someone's eye while active?"

Redman grimaced. "No, I can't say that I have."

"I think... its one of the worst death's I've seen," she admitted, "At least, outside of Hojo's labs."

"Not something you want to see when trying to move on," agreed Redman.

Aerith smiled sadly. "No, I suppose not. But... the Turks were all I really had outside my mom. I wonder what it says about me when I try to befriend hardened killers, not that they ever let it really become friendship. They were protective, a little fond, but they were watchers, not friends. I thankfully didn't try to mimic them."

"Aerith the Turk," she mused before shaking her head, "I suppose it could have happened if I had tried to change the future that way instead of through SOLDIER."

She looked away for a long moment. "I'm glad it didn't though. If they had trained me in their ways, it... it would have been to tempting to make certain people disappear. I never would have been able to match Jenova in a fight either, or a controlled SOLDIER."

Her eyes grew distant, a hint of a smile on her face. "Though... I can guarantee that somehow, someway, someday, I would have made Hojo disappear if I had the Turk's training, and maybe... maybe that could have made a difference."

"Well, that's opportunity costs for you," teased Redman.

Aerith laughed a bit, shaking her head. "Hojo or not, I shouldn't be laughing over a murder joke."

"I don't think there's a person alive who would count that against you."

"I suppose not," Aerith murmured, a lull coming over the session for a few minutes as Redman looked over her notes.

"So... your church, you found it while wandering?" asked Redman.

Aerith blinked a few times. "The Church? Yeah... I think I found it when I was... nine? Ten? Somewhere around there. I'd spend more and more time there as the years passed."

"Were you religious?"

"Not really," admitted Aerith, "I knew so little of my own people, what our faiths or deities were. I know we cherished the Planet, maybe even worshiped it, but I had never been instructed on how to do so. I didn't know Minerva existed until I died. I just... I liked being there. In that church. It was... quiet there, compared to the rest of the slums. I could hear the Planet a little better, and it put me at ease. Very few bad things ever happened there, it was a sacred place to me, protected, sanctuary. It's... its where I met both my Zack and my bodyguard."

"If you don't mind, I'd like to save your Zack for next session."

"Okay," said Aerith with a small smile, "He honestly needs his own session."

Redman put the end of her pencil in her mouth, nibbling on it. "Would you like this Zack here for it?"

Aerith gave her a startled look. "I... what?"

"As a kind of closure?"

Aerith hesitated for a moment before shaking her head. "No... it... it wouldn't be fair to do that to him. It would put unfair expectations on him, I... as much as I treasure him... both him and my Zack, I don't want to try to force him to be the same for me as he was before. And..."

She huffed a little. "And I never knew how much of a shameless flirt he was before. Honestly, he was getting me set up with SOLDIER benefits and flirting with the secretary of Human Resources at the same time."

Redman laughed. "Oh dear. Youthful energy."

Aerith's smile faded a bit. "It made me wonder... how long did it take my Zack to see me as more than his next interest?"

"That's an unfair thing to ask, Aerith," chided Redman gently, "Very few times is it ever love at first sight. Most relationships begin as simple interest in the opposite gender that develops from there."

"I suppose," murmured Aerith before sighing and running a hand through her hair, "Could we call it done for today? Up until I met Zack, my life after the labs wasn't anything extraordinary, there were a few events that were rough, but... I always had the Turks to pull me out of danger. It was... just a time for me to grow and normalize a bit."

"We could, but, what about your mother?" asked Redman, "Surely you did more than just garden with her?"

"Well, yeah," said Aerith, "We talk, gossip, cook, she schooled me in what topics I hadn't learned in the labs. We... like to do puzzle games, on the floor or the table if they are to big. We used to play cards, but... that didn't last long. You might not guess, but I'm good at counting cards. Leftover from the labs I guess."

Redman snorted. "You're kidding."

"No," giggled Aerith, "Counting cards is like a probability and memory puzzle."

"Hmm... I don't suppose you could teach that? I do play a bit with my friends on the weekends," asked Redman teasingly.

"Well...," began Aerith in a mischievous tone...

"Tell me about Zack."

Aerith smiled a wide smile. "We first met when he crashed through the roof of my church and landed on my flower bed unconscious."

Redman blinked at her. "When he what?"

Aerith had a brief fit of giggles. "When he crashed through the roof. It scared me half to death I tell you. Of course, the first thing he did when he woke up was start flirting with me. Honestly... that boy."

Aerith's smile faded a little. "We didn't get to spend that much time together, what with him a SOLDIER, and me hiding in plain sight in the slums. But... he came back. Each time he left, he always came back... until he didn't."

She pursed her lips for a moment and shook her head. "There's more memories before then."

"I was honestly curious how much he knew about SOLDIER, how much Shinra told its people," she said quietly, "I tested him a few times. Commented on SOLDIERs getting some kind of 'special surgery'. What did he say... 'so they say?'. Still loyal back then to keep a tight lip if he knew anything at all."

Her smile faded almost completely. "I was mean, in a way. I knew he was a SOLDIER, but I bad-mouthed them to him. I told him normal was the best, that SOLDIER was weird, scary, that they fought and loved it. I made it seem to be a bad thing."

Redman studied her for a moment, eyes searching. "Normal is best?"

Aerith flushed a little. "Ah..."

"Was that a test comment, or truth for you?"

Aerith looked away for a long moment. "I don't know. Maybe both?"

Redman shifted in her seat. "I suppose I skipped a question I should have asked early, or maybe I never thought to. Do you resent being an Ancient?"

Aerith sighed softly. "At times maybe. Most of my life wouldn't have happened as it did if I had been born normal. Perhaps I could have had a regular childhood with friends, gone to school, gotten to know both my birth mother and father..."

She shook her head. "But if there was no other Cetra after my birth mother. No one could have called Holy, or helped rally the lifestream during Meteor, and the end would have come quicker..."

At Redman's blank look, Aerith waved a hand. "Getting ahead of myself again. We're talking about Zack, not the first potential apocalypse."

Redman's face drained a little bit. "The... first."

Aerith wagged a finger. "Here and now Miss Therapist."

Redman huffed a little. "Whose got the PH.D. here?"

Aerith hummed, non-committal. "Zack could be a little pushy when he thought people needed it. Such a pester and bother sometimes, never took a hint. But it was charming in a way, because he was always trying to help, offer support and build confidence. Always tried to get me above the plate..."

She shook her head, bemused. "He was a little gullible to."

"Gullible? Is there a story there?"

"I told him I was afraid of the sky," she said, chagrined, "It was an on the spot thing, didn't even look him in the eye when I said it and he still bought it... yet... it's not fully a lie, not fully a truth either. Both the Turks, and Hojo I suppose, taught that the best lies were mixed with truths."

"What were you afraid of then?"

"Well, originally, I told him that fear because I didn't want to go to the upper plate with him," admitted Aerith, "Best to not risk being seen by anyone loyal to Hojo."

"Wise."

"But...," said Aerith quietly, "Once I learned more about the Calamity, I learned to be afraid of the sky, or rather, what lies above it. Space. The cosmos."

"Because of Jenova, right?"

Aerith nodded. "Out there, beyond our world, is where the source of so much suffering came from. What other monstrosities exist out there?"

"The fear of the unknown," mused Redman, "Or perhaps not so unknown. Jenova is one horror, its not unreasonable to be suspicious or fearful of more. It's good that you are upfront about it, rather than leaving it unnamed and unconfronted."

She shrugged. "Oh, its confronted. A few years before the end, Minerva and I discussed the possibility of it. We decided that if anything like Jenova hit us before the Planet had a chance to recover, we'd flee."

Not that they had a chance to use Omega when Sephiroth came back serious and killed Avalanche so quickly the last time...

"Flee...?"

Aerith opened her mouth and then snapped it closed, a guarded look crossing her face. "Just... never mind."

Stupid, she couldn't get to comfortable with this. Loose lips spilled secrets best kept silent.

Redman shifted back a bit, uncertain and the sudden cold and hostile look. "Okay... lets... return to the topic at hand, about Zack."

Aerith closed her eyes. "Things... with Zack got serious quickly, not in a relationship way, but... in a dangerous way. He was put under so much stress, I almost got caught up in a few things... the Ang..."

She caught herself before she said 'Angeal Clone', "The... there was a... kind of guardian monster of all things that looked after me. A... leftover from the global mess at the time with Genesis and Angeal."

She waved a hand before Redman could comment. "I don't really know a lot about it. Just a few specific events..."

A crestfallen look overcame her. "I remember walking into the church that day Angeal died, how utterly devastated Zack was..."

"To lose a mentor is a terrible thing."

Aerith's lips went tight. "Oh, it was so much worse than that. Angeal forced Zack to kill him because he was to afraid to confront the Calamity within him."

Redman swallowed. "That... is company policy, but it is a terrible thing to do to someone you care for."

Aerith blinked. "It's what?"

"If someone goes rogue or betrays the company, send a friend, send family, to get them to lower their guard, or maybe they'd hold back as to not kill them."

Aerith gave her look of utter distaste. "Have I ever told you I hate Shinra?"

"You're the one trying to be a SOLDIER."

Aerith sighed. "I know, I know."

She rolled her shoulders and frowned. "I still have the urge to just walk up to and punch Angeal sometimes. Even if its not fair to this one."

"Some version of him hurt someone you loved, its not an unreasonable desire."

"Maybe not," she said quietly, "Zack... was never really the same after that. He had always had hope to bring Angeal back to SOLDIER... until he couldn't. There was always that loss in his eyes from then on in. He was... a bit more protective after that, I think the term is 'mother hen'. Should have mother henned himself a bit more..."

"The first time we 'went out', he got pickpocketed by a kid, all those enhanced senses and a little boy snatched his wallet right from under him," giggled Aerith.

Redman snorted. "Arrogance in a way I suppose."

"Innocence in another," Aerith countered softly, "He tried to see the best in the world, in people, even if they didn't deserve it."

She looked down at her hands. "He saw something in a lonely freak like me, and kept coming back, despite my faults. He... made me happy... I cared for him, I felt safe around him despite the Calamity in him. I had twenty-three little wishes, and they all ended up amounting to wanting to spend more time with him. It took him vanishing from my life to realize just how much he meant to me..."

She wrung her hands together. "When he disappeared... and didn't come back, I kind of freaked a bit. I started writing letters and giving them to Turks or SOLDIERs to pass onto him. I thought maybe he was on some kind of extended mission. I braved above the plate to ask around some of the SOLDIERs, and to try to look for him. But it never amounted to anything. I... I was a bit obsessed I guess. He was the first person I loved that wasn't family. I didn't want to lose him, to let him go. I wrote eighty-nine of those damn letters, and only one of them ever reached him, because I sent the guardian monster to track him down and give it to him."

Aerith let out a shaky breath. "Shinra betrayed him. After... after Sephiroth went insane, Shinra did a big coverup and... and gave Zack to Hojo."

Redman swallowed thickly. "That's..."

"Yeah... we talked a lot about how much we hated Hojo in the lifestream," admitted Aerith, "Zack joked about it a little..."

She cleared her throat and did a poor imitation, "My little Aerith has got a mean streak a mile wide, oh the humanity!"

Redman smiled a little. "Well... he stayed true to himself after death I suppose."

"That he did," Aerith said quietly, taking in a deep breath and letting it out, "Those years he was gone for... made me ache so badly. Filled me with such doubts. I wondered if he had left because of me, or had abandoned me. I hate myself for thinking them..."

"We all have our fears and insecurities Aerith," said Redman gently, "Those kind of situations, when a loved one goes missing, can do terrible things to people. They imagine the worst possible scenarios..."

Aerith scoffed. "Except the worst one I imagined was the one that happened."

Redman winced. "Hojo having him was one of your fears?"

"Among other things, but that was the worst thing I came up with," Aerith said quietly, "Because frankly, being dead is generally preferable than to being in Hojo's clutches. Trust me, I know from experience, and from the lifesteam. Hojo left so many victims whose deaths, whose pain and suffering hurt the lifestream..."

Aerith trailed off, her eyes going distant, looking at the wall without really seeing it, just... stop stalling, get it out and over with. "I felt it. The moment Zack died. It was like ice right through my heart. Like I had been gutted. I tried to deny it, pass it off as something else despite the Planet whispering the truth to me, its sadness for my loss. I never really got a chance to come to terms with it, to grieve, before I met my Bodyguard, and I started on my final journey."

Redman sighed softly. "I would suggest you do so, but... I'm not so blind as to not realize its hard to grieve when you can turn a corner and bump into a Zack on any given day."

Aerith gave a weak, cracked smile. "It is."

"What did you love most about him?"

Aerith blinked back into focus. "Nothing that isn't completely selfish."

Redman raised an eyebrow at her, waiting.

"I... I loved that he saw me for me, not that I was an Cetra, or had any special powers, or anything like that," Aerith admitted painfully, heart aching and yearning, "I wasn't a freak. I wasn't an object, an addled girl, a pet or a project. Not a tool to be used. Not a weapon to be wielded. I was just... Aerith. He showed me that I could be normal, that I could love and be loved."

"He helped me be whole," said Aerith, vision blurring with tears, "I miss him, I miss him so much... and I wont ever get him back..."

"I was out of it, but I still remember," said Aerith with loss, "I heard what this Zack said, the pressure he's under, all the expectations... that you brought him in to try to help me. Its not fair to him, to constantly be seen as and compared to someone he could be rather than who he is right now. I can't do that to him, can't hurt him like that, I know I would if I tried to hold onto him, hold onto my Zack through him..."

She had seen a future of it happening, of them being together with children... but... from where she stood now, and where Zack stood now, she didn't see how it could happen. Not to mention the deaths that happened in that ending. Did she get so obsessed with getting Zack back that she lost focus on her mission and people died for it? Was it because of her that Cloud, Genesis, Angeal, and who knows how many more people died? That Sephiroth went mad again? She didn't know...

"Letting go of the ones you love," began Redman gently, "Is sometimes the most painful thing in the world to go through, especially if its for their own sake. For you to do so is twofold the effort, and twofold the pain. To let go of your Zack, and let go of this one if that is your wish."

"I don't want to," Aerith admitted, her voice cracking.

But she knew she had to let Zack go.

It just hurt so much...

She thought of the frustration and anger in Zack's voice, the pure pressure he was on to live up to a legacy...

Oh Zack...

This was the second time he had done that, to make someone a living legacy. First to Cloud, now to a second Zack... even if it was unintentional...

She swallowed heavily, her heart throbbing, her pulse racing, her mind aching. She thought of herself laying beside Zack on that couch in the vision, watching their children play...

And let it go. "But I must."

Sephiroth listened through the tapes and watched the video of 3rd Class Gainsborough's recent sessions. Less painful, not as long in duration. Better, to a degree, in nature. No, perhaps still as painful, just different in nature of the kind of pain. A kind he admittedly lacked experience in, that of the heart. Yet... for once, it wasn't difficult to understand. Her experiences were similar enough to use as a bridge, but, this wasn't about him. It was about her and her position in SOLDIER, and the last few sessions had been rather enlightening about her character...

The will and strength to let go, even if it sounded like she was ripping a limb off by doing so.

The struggle with being seen as an object, a tool, a weapon, a freak.

That she cherished those who would not see her as such.

Reinforced earlier observations of deep care for the well-being of others, and perhaps a little vindictive over those who wronged them.

A... not so unreasonable fear of the cosmos beyond their world.

Calculative and a little cunning, to string the Zackery of her vision/future (whichever it was) along as a caution when she had yet to determine if he could be trusted.

A desire for normalcy, but the duty and dedication to do what was necessary regardless.

The ability to count cards was not on its own a major thing, but aptitude for memory and logic puzzles had potential implications about her intellect.

The desire to bear the weight of her struggles alone, to not bring Zachery into that last session.

Not particularly religious, at least, not at that time in her life. If she was now or not, he did not know. But her tone didn't indicate worshipful reverence he occasionally heard in those of faith.

No longer allowed herself to be so easily influenced, if he was reading into what she said about the Turks correctly. He could also admit he had never personally seen a shock-rod shoved through someone's eye socket to kill them either. How unpleasant that was compared to other methods of death, he wasn't quite sure.

Not being suicidal was a very large point to note, and heavy credit in her favor. A suicidal SOLDIER was an extremely dangerous one, to themselves, and to their fellows.

Lonely, but not allowing it to dictate her.

The ability to recognize her mistakes and try to learn from them.

A recognition of the own danger she could represent was another large point in her favor.

A difficulty adjusting to new settings, but something she eventually overcame.

Finally, a recognition that she was not normal.

Those were the notes he had jotted down on a pad of paper as he listened and watched. He took those as the main points he should focus on. Though, he would not be arrogant enough to assume that he wouldn't misunderstand or miss some things. He rubbed his chin in thought as his eyes flickered from one line on the paper to another. It was... difficult... to keep his observations purely impassive and in regards to whether or not she should remain a SOLDIER. There were things that resonated with him. Being seen as an object...

He shook his head lightly and re-read the list again. All in all... it led more credibility to her being able to hold herself to SOLDIER standards with a bit more training and discipline. She showed traits that could potentially make a great SOLDIER, though that was not necessarily a good thing, for her. A SOLDIERs life was never easy, she had struggled and lost much already, she would struggle and lose potentially more if she stayed rather than being rejected and, he imagined, taken in by the Turks. The question of whether or not she could bear it however was becoming less of an uncertainty. He was relatively confident she would not crack under pressure.

Though that was not to say he wouldn't keep observing.

Some of the observations had little to do with SOLDIER, and more to do with her as a person. Not to mention some of his notes created great implications that he wasn't sure how to address. That she had additional visions was something she should not have held back. What if there were some clue in them that could be used to their advantage? Or situations to try and avoid? Just how many did she see? What did she see? The one she had hinted at was a terrible one, and one he was frankly glad he had put a stop to. Going off on one's own without backup was dangerous, even he acknowledged the potential danger on solo missions, even if he was rightly confident. Getting herself captured, eventually infected by the Calamity, and turned into the very monster he himself had been in a potential other life...

Yet...

Her words confused him. She said that he had held back, had not tried to eliminate her after she had become a threat. Why would he do that? Why would he try to 'save her' as she said? If she was an enemy, she was an enemy, he couldn't understand why he'd hold back and risk himself, his friends, his SOLDIERs, the entire planet. He repressed a sigh. He was trying to judge a situation without knowing it in full, without knowing what led from point A to point B.

He shifted his focus to her fear, of the cosmos, of other entities potentially like Jenova. Was there truth in this fear? If astronomers were to be believed, the Universe was a potentially infinite expanse. It's not unreasonable to assume there were other dangers out there. How they could prepare for future incursions was up for debate however. Because if there were other threats, would they be like Jenova? Or something completely different? Could focusing to fight one type of enemy cripple them in the face of another? Trying to predict the unknown was a exercise in frustration and futility he supposed. He would make SOLDIER the best he could, it was all he would be able to do without knowledge of what lurked in the great dark.

He turned his attention back to her traits. Weighing what kind of missions she could excel at, what she would struggle with. He doubted she would ever balk at any mission given so long as it didn't go against her morals. But did he focus her on solo missions or group missions? She wouldn't be a 3rd class forever. Once she made 2nd, she wouldn't require additional SOLDIER supervision per regulations. Generally there would be troopers or sometimes a Turk depending on the missions. But being backed by a SOLDIER vs being backed by others was a large difference. Yet she had not made any gains in connecting with her fellow SOLDIERs, in fact, if rumors he heard in passing were to be believed, someone had noticed her walking into Redman's office.

Unstable SOLDIERs had a stigma that was very difficult to overcome.

Much like her first year free, this could have crippling effects on her future comradery and cohesion with her fellow SOLDIER. He would expect his SOLDIERs to follow orders if they were instructed to work with her, but, he wouldn't imagine they would like it. That they wouldn't be watchful of her, rather than giving their mission their full attention. It was an opportunity loss he supposed, by having her seek treatment over letting her continue as is. Having her go through therapy would give him a stronger SOLDIER in the long run if successful, but perhaps more as an operative than as a team member. He had several loners, hard-asses who preferred to go it alone. Yet... she could work alone, but he did not believe she was a loner. More isolation was the last thing she needed.

He brought a pencil end to his lips in thought. There were some simple solutions. Focus on those who he knew would tolerate her. Zackery, Genesis, Angeal, himself, perhaps Zackery's friend Kunsel. A few other extremely laid back SOLDIERs might work. He would have to be careful in how he used himself and his friends however, lest rumors of favoritism or her needing the top SOLDIERs to keep an eye on her start up. He rubbed his forehead and sighed; this could be such a task to think through some times.

Though, speaking of Zackery...

He toyed with what Gainsborough had said. The pressure, the expectations; were they being unfair with Zackery? He wasn't trying to force the young SOLDIER to be someone he wasn't, he simply wanted the boy to reach his full potential that Aerith had revealed. The boy had seemed stressed lately though... his smiles and enthusiasm a bit forced... perhaps... they could reign it back a bit. Zackery was after all just a young 3rd class right now, not 2nd, and definitely not 1st. He'd talk it over with Angeal and Genesis later and bounce ideas. The last thing he wanted was to drive Zackery to a breaking point and ruin the boy after all.

He sighed again and rubbed his eyes. This whole thing with the Ancient, with what his other self had done, was making him far more aware of the potential dangers of an unwell mind than he had been before. Still, knowledge gained was knowledge gained, even if it made him a bit disgruntled.

And oh was he looking forward to gaining more knowledge from her next sessions.

Because next, if he recalled right, was where she would begin talking about the events surrounding the mad version of himself, and those who had rose up to challenge him. And he wanted them, all of them, anyone with that kind of strength and will, as an asset...

Review Responses:

UnLike Us: Poor Zack, being his own living legacy. A little more on that this chapter, and perhaps a little closure to it.

SnarrySlave: Mmm, Sephiroth really isn't a fluffy kind of guy. Comradery and understanding perhaps, but overtly romantic/silly isn't his thing.

SakiWatari: Making me blush here. Thanks for the complements, it's always nice to find someone who enjoys my work. I've thought about trying to go get published, even have a book written in word, just never took the final step. I enjoy reading/writing fanfiction to much to have it shut down by trying to go all the way, if any publisher was interested anyway.

Patrick the Observer: A bit lighter than before, but still with hardship.

Azure Shine:

To everyone else: Thanks for the comments, and yes, Hojo will know pain, just perhaps not the way you think it will happen. :tease: