CHAPTER 1:

Penetrate the Alaskan base

"Jerry, it's Ed. I'm in front of the disposal facility."

"Excellent. I see all those Chunky Puffs haven't slowed you down."

"How's the diversionary operation going?"

"Two F-16s just took off and are headed your way. The terrorist's radar should have picked them up by now."

"Thanks." Ed was hiding behind a steel crate, the temperature, although mostly subdued by Jessica's medicine, still nipped at him. He then noticed a very strange looking aircraft. "Cool…Jerry, what's that thing? Looks like a plane on steroids."

"That's a Hind D, a Russian gunship. Though what it's doing here of all places is beyond me. Anyway, the diversion is working perfectly. Now's your best chance to slip in unnoticed."

"Right." He watched as the gunship flew off through the snow, throwing snow into the eyes of the other soldiers.

"Wow. Who'd fly a Hind in this kind of weather," said a girl on the Kodak.

"Yeah…Wait, who're you?"

"Oh sorry, I haven't introduced you two yet. This is Velma Dinkley. She was assigned to us as our visual and data processing specialist. She designed your Kodak, as well as your Soliton radar system. Contact her if you have any questions about either of them," Jerry explained.

"It's great to meet you, Solid Ed. Getting to know a legend such as yourself…"

"Ah. No thank are necessary, as I conquered Outer Heaven for the people, by the people, and…uh…chickens."

"Looks like we both have a lot to learn from each other," Velma commented.

"Ed, the best way to enter the base would be through one of the air ducts. There's too much risk of being spotted by the enemy through the front door."

"Oh. Jerry, you have any info on a group known as 'Team Rocket'?"

"Yes I do. Apparently, Team Rocket was an organized crime syndicate. They mostly were involved with poaching and smuggling weapons across various countries. They've since been disbanded, but some of the members managed to escape, like the three at the base there."

"Ok. Anything specific on these three guys?"

"Jessie, James, and Meowth. They were the worst squad in the whole organization, never once completing an assigned mission. Before the disbandment, they were in danger of dischargment."

"They should be fairly easy then." Sneaking past several guards, Ed eventually made it to a vent, crawling inside. As he moved about in the dust-filled corridor, he tried his hardest not to sneeze. Unfortunately, he failed. "ACHOO!"

"What was that?!" A guard yelled outside. Ed turned around and took out a small pistol. A tranquilizer gun fitted with a suppressor. Made of a combination of 2x4 technology, a spring, and darts, it was the ultimate in sleep-inducing weaponry.

"ACHOO!" Ed sneezed again. Looking straight ahead, he saw the guard look into the shaft, spotting him.

"Intruder!" Quickly, he shot the guard in the head, putting him quickly to sleep. Ed did the same to four other guards who had rushed over.

"Sleep tight." With that, he turned back around and crawled deeper into the base.

"I'm telling you! This snow-cone of mine will revolutionize the industry!" the man yelled. A large, round man with orange hair, a lab coat, and a giant lobster claw for his left arm. Jessie, the female with the long red hair, was not amused.

"I don't care, you idiot! What I want is the detonation code!" She yelled.

"But Jessie, I wouldn't mind a snow-cone right about now," James commented. The man with the orange hair handed him one.

"It's cherry flavored."

"Oh! My favorite!"

"Both of you, shut up!" Jessie yelled. She grabbed James by his hair and pulled him off as they left the jail cell. The red-haired man sighed, then heard a clunk as something landed on the ground behind him. It was Ed.

"Gha! Wh-Who are you?!"

"Hello, my name is Ed! I'll be saving you tonight. You're the DARPA chief, Triple Extra Large, right?"

"That's Professor Triple Extra Large to you, pal! Formalities aside, just get me out of here already!"

"I am required to ask you some questions, sir. Do these terrorists really have the ability to launch a nuke?"

"What in blazes are you talking about?"

"A little birdy told me that the terrorists do. They're threatening the White House, and they'll launch an attack if we don't give in to their demands." This shocked Triple Extra Large.

"Oh sweet and sour cream soup! It…it IS possible for them to launch a nuclear device."

"But I thought this place was just for them to put their frozen dinners…and dismantled warheads."

"Listen boy, we were conducting experiments with a new type of weapon. A weapon able to launch a nuclear bomb from any location on the planet. Nuclear equipped walking battle tank."

"That sounds right familiar," Ed said. He thought for about two minutes, his brain not catching up with the information. "Uh…Wait! You mean Metal Gear?!"

"You mean…You knew? Metal Gear is a black operation so secret not even my top ten friends on MySpace knew about it! How do you of all people know?"

"I've had a couple of run-ins in the past. 'Big Ed' was responsible."

"Big Ed, of course! I remember now! Edward Elrik AKA 'Big Ed' was the whole reason the Metal Gear project was approved in the first place."

"So that's why you came to a Bob-forsaken place like this?"

"No, not initially. I came to Alaska 'cause it was the perfect place to perfect my perfect snow cone! I got caught up in all of this just so I'd have something to do on the side."

"Oh. But, after I kicked Big Ed's butt, I thought Metal Gear was scrapped?"

"On the contrary, it has become a joint project between ArmsTech and myself. We were going to use this exercise as raw data and use it for mass production, if it weren't for the stinking revolution."

"The revolution?"

"Yes. Sex has fallen into the hands of the terrorists, and Liquid Edd."

"Sex?"

"Metal Gear Sex, the codename for the-" He noticed Ed snickering. "Stop that, you immature punk. Sex is the codename for the new Metal Gear."

"We can always use the PAL code, couldn't we?"

"You're smarter than you look. Yes, there is a PAL. It's set up to accept two different passwords in order to launch the device."

"Two passwords? You and the ArmsTech president probably know one each."

"Exactly. Unfortunately…" Triple Extra Large started sobbing.

"Aw…What's wrong?"

"They found out my password! But it wasn't my fault! That Raven, she…she's frightening."

"Raven?"

"A pale girl who moves among the shadows."

"So, she knows one now…"

"There is a way to stop the device, however. Three card keys. They were developed as a safety device to override the device. Whether or not the passwords are entered, those card keys should stop Metal Gear."

"Where are the keys, my good sir?"

"The ArmsTech president should have them. They should be keeping him in a room on the 2nd floor basement, where there's a lot of electronic jamming." The Professor paused for a moment. "Does the White House plan on giving in to the terrorist's demands?"

"Couldn't tell ya."

"Not even the Pentagon?" Suddenly, Triple Extra Large clutched his skull. He ran around the cell, banging his head against the walls. Ed had a look of horror on his face as the Professor finally fell to the floor. Not dead, but…frozen stiff.

"Jerry, what happened?!" Ed yelled.

"It looked as if it was a…brain-freeze," Jerry replied.

"A brain freeze…" Jessica Rabbit silently whispered to herself.

"Guys, are you hiding something from me?" Ed asked.

"Absolutely not. Ed, you've got to understand. The Secretary of Defense is in operational control. I'm just here for support," Jerry explained. "Enough of this squabbling. Ed, get out of there and find the ArmsTech president now!"

"…Ok." Ed walked out of the jail cell, only to feel a gun against the back of his head. It was held by a female soldier.

"…You killed the Professor!"

"No I didn't! He had some kind of brain-freeze, I swear to Bob!" Ed pleaded. He turned around to face the solider. Standard military uniform, but with a black mask on her face. All that was visible was her eyes. She looked back at him.

"Wha?…Liquid? Wait, no you're not."

"Is this your first time holding a gun? Your hands are shaking. Are you cold?"

"Careful, I'm no rookie!"

"Yes you are! I saw the prequel trilogy to Barf: Defender of the Bunion People. He held the exact same scared look you have, but he never fired his weapon. Can you fire the weapon, rookie?"

"I'm not a rookie!"

"So you're not one of them?

"Can you break down the door?"

"Why?"

"So we can get the hell out of here!" she yelled. Suddenly, a nearby door opened as enemy soldiers rushed in, guns ready to fire. Ed and the female soldier took battle stances. They then heard voices that seemed to come out of nowhere.

"Prepare…for trouble."

"And make it…double." Jessie and James dropped down onto the ground in strange poses.

"To protect the world from devastation!"

"To unite all peoples within our nation!"

"To denounce the evils of truth and love!"

"To extend our reach to the skies above!"

"Jessie…" she said, pulling out an AK-47.

"…James," he said, equipping two Browning pistols.

"Team Rocket, blasts off at the speed of light!"

"Surrender now, or prepare to fight!" Meowth then drops down to join his partners.

"Meowth, that's right!"

"…" Ed and the female soldier just stared at them.

"I see you've been left speechless. Yes, we tend to do that a lot," Jessie bragged.

"Looks like we got one washed-us wuss and a womanly resistance," James commented.

"Let's show these guys what happens to people who take on CARTOON CARTOON FOXHOUND!" Meowth added. Our heroes found themselves surrounded by enemy soldiers. Ed's eyes shot open as he pulled out his tranquilizer gun. He turned to the female soldier.

"Don't think! SHOOT!"