Chapter 10
I think this story is starting to come together now. Adding an extra disclaimer in this chapter because Simpsons fanatics will pick up on the line I've borrowed (but if you don't pick up on it let me know and I will tell reveal episode and actor) Plus I paraphrased a line from Seinfeld.
In the six weeks since Jackie had returned to the basement fold, Donna had become aware of a change in her annoying friend. For one thing, she did not spend nearly as much time in the basement as she used to and was completely unavailable Friday and Saturday nights. When questioned about what she was doing with her spare time, she would give evasive answers about dating a musician but would not go into specifics. Considering the play by play Jackie had given about every nauseating detail of her romance with Kelso, this was most uncharacteristic. Whenever anyone asked Jackie a question that touched upon her unknown activities, Jackie would change the subject by saying something like "Oh, you don't want to hear about my boring life. So tell me, what is going on with you?" Now, most of the teenagers in that basement were self-involved enough that this red herring was usually successful, but Donna was too smart not to know that for Jackie to prefer to talk about some else's life instead of hers was wildly suspicious behaviour.
So Donna tried sleepovers, girl-talk phone calls, even luring Jackie into the circle but with no result. At the sleepovers Jackie pretended to fall asleep when the conversation got personal, her voice would suddenly cut out over a convenient bad connection on the phone calls and in the circle, well, Jackie was not very articulate in the circle. All Donna could make out between gusts of hysterical laughter from her was "They don't know I'm here – it would blow Steven's mind if he could see me," (this when Hyde was looking right at her, shaking his head in bemusement).
This was why Donna turned to spying as a last resort. She had suspected Jackie of lying when she told the gang at lunchtime she wouldn't be able to come to the basement that afternoon because of cheerleading practice. A quick check of the cheerleading schedule posted in the lobby confirmed her suspicions. When the final bell rang, Donna lurked near the school gates until Jackie passed through and then followed her friend. It was not long before she had traced her to a lower middle class neighbourhood quite below the status of a Burkhart. With a nervous glance over her shoulder that Donna just managed to dodge, Jackie pulled open the garage roller door of a most unimpressive looking house and quickly closed it behind her.
Donna cautiously approached the house, wondering what was happening on the other side of the door. She jumped a foot in the air when live rock music suddenly blasted from behind it. Ah ha! she deduced This must be where Jackie's new boyfriend rehearses. Donna reflected it was just like Jackie to keep her boyfriend under wraps because she was ashamed he lived in the poorer section of town. Well, she would show her snobbish friend that the time for secrecy was over. With one strong pull she sent the garage door flying open but was not prepared for the sight that met her eyes – Jackie in the middle of a blazing drum solo.
"Aaaaaaah!" the girls screamed in unison.
"Jackie – what the hell?" Donna gasped.
"Donna! Okay, tell me just what exactly did you see?" Jackie asked cautiously.
"Everything! I can't believe this – since when do you play the drums?"
"Err… the past 6 years?" Jackie answered, her tone rising nervously into a question.
"6 years! I don't believe this! Why didn't you tell anyone? Why didn't you tell me?"
"Please, Donna – no-one must know about this! If anyone found out, I'd be ruined," Jackie declared dramatically.
"Excuse me, Jackie," Trevor interposed, "but I don't believe you have introduced me to your charmingly foxy friend."
Great, Jackie thought, rolling her eyes, there goes another one. "Trevor, this is my friend, Donna. Donna, this is Trevor, my boyfriend," Jackie stood in front of Trevor and wrapped his arm around her shoulder.
"Damn," Trevor muttered, hamstrung by Jackie's claim.
"Oh, so you're Jackie's mysterious boyfriend," Donna said.
"Boyfriend is such an outdated term, don't you think?" Trevor remarked winningly. Jackie smiled sweetly and elbowed him in the stomach. "Ummph! That is to say, Jackie is my own heart's treasure."
"Whatever," Donna said distractedly. "I still can't believe you play the drums! Why the big secret?"
"Why is it a secret? Can't you see it on me, Donna? Can't you smell it?"
"What?" Donna asked, mystified.
"Donna I'm – " Jackie's voice dropped to a horrified whisper "sweating!"
Donna's mouth dropped open in astonishment
"Sweat? Sweat is the reason for all the lying and sneaking around – for six years, no less? Just because you sweat?"
"Yes!" Jackie cried. "Oh, plus my parents would probably send me to a Swiss boarding school if they ever found out," she finished matter-of-factly. "But the main point is Jackie Burkhart does not perspire. I tell you, Donna we have to keep this a secret, not for my sake, but I am so respected it would hurt the school if this was known."
Now it was Donna's turn to roll her eyes. "Jackie, I wish I knew a good therapist to help you with your delusions, but I don't think one exists. In fact, I think it would need a team of doctors, a psychiatric think tank working around the clock, all focused on what is the matter with you. So I'm not even going to try to convince you that nobody cares if you sweat. All I want to know is are you guys the same band the boys were talking about, the one that's been making waves on the Point Place music scene lately?"
"Donna, the answer is before your eyes," Trevor responded. "If you are referring to That Band with the Hot Chick, then you need look no further than my own love dumpling here to confirm your suspicions." Trevor pulled Jackie into his arms with a saccharine sweet smile, goosing her as payback for her earlier assault.
"Now, don't go getting carried away, Muffinhead," Jackie answered playfully but with a deadly look in her eyes for Trevor.
"Wow! You perform in a rock and roll band in clubs! I can't believe it! No-one will believe this."
"No-one can know," Jackie said urgently. "Look, Donna, I don't perform under my own name. It is crucial that my identity is not compromised. I need your most solemn promise that you won't tell a soul."
"Weeell, OK, but only if you let me sit in on rehearsals," Donna bargained. "To see you play drums – hell, to see you sweat – I'd promise anything for that!"
"I'm glad you said that. Donna, this is a very juicy secret and any girl with the tiniest shred of femininity would find it hard not to blab – even you! So just to safeguard you against temptation, you have to promise to do something horrible and unspeakable if you ever tell."
"Jackie, I won't tell anyone. Unlike you, I can keep a secret," Donna said in annoyance.
"Good. Then you won't mind promising that if you betray my confidence you will…" Jackie thought hard a moment before inspiration hit. "Ha! You will join the cheerleading squad!"
"My God," Donna cried, her face paling at the prospect. "You said horrible and unspeakable, but cheerleading! Dear Lord, no!"
"It's not a problem if you can keep a secret, like you say," Jackie said. "Do we have a deal?"
"Yeah, OK," Donna grudgingly agreed.
"Hey guys," Chip called, walking into the garage with some cold beers. "What did I miss?"
"Just the beginning of rehearsal, as usual," Trevor said snidely.
"I'd better get home before my parents gets worried," Donna said regretfully. Her chance to witness Jackie perspire would have to wait for another day. "Hey, Jackie, don't forget the Foreman's Veteran's Day barbecue is on this Sunday – you should bring your boyfriend."
"Maybe I will," Jackie replied, giving Donna a farewell hug.
Donna turned around as she realised she did not know this neighbourhood. "Oh, how do I get back to Main Street?"
"I'll walk you there," Trevor volunteered, and exited the garage behind the shapely redhead.
"Care for a beer, Jackie?" Chip offered with a sly smile.
"Huh? Oh!" Jackie remembered Chip only knew her as Blue. "You must be wondering why Donna called me Jackie – you see, I bear a striking resemblance to Jaclyn Smith off Charlies Angels so – "
"Save it, sweetheart," Chip cut her off. "I know all about your other life, Jackie Burkhart. I also know how important it is to you that no-one finds out about it, especially a certain Steven Hyde."
Jackie turned cold as she saw Chip's tormenting grin. He was enjoying this far too much.
"What do you want?" she said stonily.
"Why, the same thing I've always wanted, sweetness," Chip replied with a look that stripped Jackie naked. "Just to be your boyfriend."
"You can't be – Trevor is!" Jackie protested.
"Yes, I overheard your little arrangement with him. From what I recall, he wasn't exactly jumping for joy at the prospect. Whereas with me, you will get my… mmmm… wholehearted dedication to the role."
Jackie sighed in defeat. "Alright, you can be my cover boyfriend. But it's just an honorary title, you got that? Just when my friends are around."
"Aye aye, Captain Cheerleader," Chip answered with a salute. "So… what time should I pick you up Sunday for this barbecue?"