Title: Fun With Mormons
Pairing: crack pairings
Rating: PG-15
Word Count: 1,882
Warnings: thoughts of sex and other filth
Author's Note: CRACK
Disclaimer: previous disclaimers still apply
--
Kyle's over when Gary hesitantly knocks on the door to my house. Kyle is kicking my butt on the Game Sphere, so Gary is a welcome distraction.
"Who is it?" Kyle calls from the other room.
"Gary," I call back.
"Oh." Kyle's voice is flat and disapproving.
"He's here to teach me civics," I explain with a half truth. I shove Gary into the room with the Game Sphere and the annoyed Jew. Gary seems very uncomfortable with the entire thing. Kyle's ire probably doesn't help the situation much.
"I thought Wendy and I were teaching you." He sounds hurt.
"Yeah, and that's been going on for how long? And I still haven't learned a thing."
"How about we try together, Kyle?" Gary asks, giving Kyle his toothpaste ad smile.
Kyle's acting like some jealous lover, so obviously he refuses Gary's offer.
"I'll just go home, man."
"You could stay here and play Game Sphere," I offer.
"It's okay, man, my mother's probably throwing a shit-fit about me not being home yet." His mother is his trump card for leaving any uncomfortable situation.
I let it slide this time – as I know he and Gary don't get along. Like, at all.
Kyle sees himself out as Gary unpacks large, intimidating books from his bag and displays them on the floor in front of the couch.
"We could go to the kitchen table or my room," I suggest.
Gary gives me a slightly pained look, like he just bit his tongue. Okay, so it was a bad idea to mention my bedroom. But the kitchen table should in no way – in Gary's mind – be linked to sex. He doesn't need to know about Wendy's food kink.
"Or we could just stay here." I sit down next to him. "So what's going to be on the exam?"
He just kinda looks at me, as if I should know what is going to be on the exam. I have mentioned that I don't pay attention in class, haven't I?
"What do you do in class?" he asks curiously.
I shrug. "Last class I was defending my honor as a man."
"And the two weeks before that?"
"Uh…" He had me there. "My mind kinda wanders."
"To where?" Is he…? He totally is trying to be all shrink with me.
"Different places. Sex. Food." Wendy's food kink. "A game, a meet, other exercise, my job, my future, my friends. Why?"
Very carefully he says, "I would just like to have an indication about where your mind meanders to – to determine how to better get the information necessary across."
"You want to know my carrot?" I raise my eyebrows. He's so trying to be all shrink.
"In a way," he smiles shyly.
I wonder if I really do give off that dumb jock vibe… because Gary seems surprised that not only did I understand the words, I also understood the concept. I'm apathetic – not dumb.
I shrug in response. "Whatever works."
He tries to teach me all crazy things about partisanship. Most of it is boring, so I tune it out. Gary wants to learn about sex – and he's never been kissed. How is that possible at 18? Unless you're Butter's, and then it's completely understandable. I have no idea how to backtrack that far back to teach Gary the basics. I bet he doesn't even know how to flirt. This could be a challenge. If he –
"Stan? Where has your mind gone this time?" He looks up at me from the textbook, genuinely curious.
Lesson One: "You." I lower my voice in a way that never fails to get Bebe all hot and bothered.
He looks like he just swallowed his tongue. "What – what about… me?" He trips over his words, probably calculating where he lost control of the situation.
"Your voice," I whisper, blatantly staring at his mouth.
His lips work in a silent "Oh."
"You should be paying attention to my words, not my… voice."
"Then we both fail the first lesson."
"Pardon?"
"I wasn't paying attention to civics, and you weren't paying attention to how to flirt."
"Oh."
"Let's just work on one subject at a time, then."
"Oh," he repeats.
"That cool?"
He shifts uncomfortably and lunges at me, latching onto my mouth with his own. He's enthusiastic, I'll give him that, but that's all I'll give him.
He looks like a kicked puppy when I pry him off of me. "Dude, that's not how you do that."
He looks anywhere but my face and is bright red. And still manages to look like a kicked puppy.
Goddamnit!
"Okay, here's my lesson." I shove the textbooks out of the way. "Slow. Then build up speed." I lean forward, balancing unstably on one hand. "You need to test the waters, so to speak." I lean closer, bringing my mouth parallel with his. "See if the person is willing to accept." My mouth is directly above his. I can taste his breath. "If there is no resistance…" I smirk and place a chaste kiss on Gary's lips – which is even weirder than him kissing me. This is really too weird, maybe I shouldn't have done this whole… thing!
I pull back slightly, enough to speak again without my words being muffled by his mouth. "If that works, lean back in and continue."
His eyes flutter closed in anticipation.
"But that's for another lesson." I sit back. Thank God.
"Gee, Stan, that was informative," he tells me earnestly.
"Jesus Christ, Gary! You're the only person I know who would call a make-out tutorial informative!"
"Not to change the subject – " He's embarrassed. " – But why don't you pay attention in civics. I mean, you do fine in every other… subject." His gaze bounces to my lips and then back to my eyes.
I shrug. "I just don't care for it."
"You find it boring. I understand that, but why?"
"I just don't think I'm ever going to need this stuff."
"Stan, the government controls your life. Don't you think you should know how it works? So you can vote informatively."
"I don't care how it works; all I care is that it does work."
"That's the thing: it doesn't always work. Government isn't infallible."
I never expected Gary of all people to have an anarchist mentality, so I tell him so.
"It's not an anarchist thought. It's a democratic thought," Gary explains. A smile tugs at the side of his mouth. It's a bit distracting – mostly because that is the look Pip gets before he pounces. Apparently civics makes Gary hot, as disturbing as that is. That's an advanced lesson though – one I'm sure as hell not going to teach today. No matter how interested my body is – which, to be honest, it really isn't – my mind can still maintain some semblance of morals.
This was a bad idea.
"It's a good thing you have a tutor. I can't imagine what dangerous ideas you would infect society with."
I raise an eyebrow. "That's new. I've never been called a menace to society before." Well, by someone other than the crazy lady across the street. I only broke her window once, and that was an accident. Involving a baseball. And a magic eight ball.
He blushes and stutters. "That's not what I meant."
I raise both eyebrows. "So I'm just plain dumb?"
"Oh no, Stan," he says with much conviction. "You just focus in on the wrong things."
"Like sex?" I know I'm baiting him, and I know it's cruel, but I just can't help myself.
"Like sex," he affirms. "But that's not entirely what I meant. I mean that you focus on what interests you – "
"Like sex," I jump in with a smirk.
He regards me carefully. "Like, say, the Revolutionary War, not why we had a revolutionary war."
Oh. That.
"How do you suppose I go about fixing that?"
"I honestly don't know," he shakes his head sadly.
"Fucking shit," I grumble.
"We should still go over what's going to be on the exam," he suggests hopefully.
"If you think that would help." I shrug nonchalantly. This is still completely a bad idea.
"There's only one way to know for sure." He smiles shyly. If he weren't so sexually naïve I'd swear he's acting coy.
"Unfortunately." Civics really does suck balls, and he hasn't exactly taught me anything. I doubt he's going to. That doesn't mean I can't teach him. However, he'd benefit and I wouldn't. Not that I don't want to help, but it messes with morals I have no business messing in.
Of course it was his idea.
---
The next day Kyle is looking at me like I killed his puppy – drowned the fucker in a bag after clubbing it and cementing all four of its tiny, puppy feet. Gary keeps giving me coy glances. Cartman looks like he broke into a Swiss Bank account – undoubtedly because Kyle's focus is elsewhere, not on the fact that Cartman pussied out on their showdown. And Kyle's angry with me and not him. I'm sure that Cartman also wants me to corrupt the morals of the naïve… well, Gary. Kenny looks like he's forgotten everything except for the fact that I won't fuck him.
It's this town – I swear! I know that other kids in other towns don't go through this kind of shit. Jesus! And I didn't even put myself into this mess. I'd go to Wendy for help, but she's kinda pissed at me for arguing about my conquests during civics when I am "quite obviously failing, you stupid bastard." And Kyle is part of the problem, so he wouldn't be much help either.
"G'day, Stan."
I withdraw my head from my locker.
"Hey, Pip." I nod at him. "Damien." Obviously Damien is there as well.
"Have you introduced Gary yet?" Pip asks. For a moment, I confess, I'm lost – until Damien smirks and waggles his eyebrows. It's ridiculous to watch, actually.
"No, and I don't intend to." I narrow my eyes at them. "Damien – I'm sure you understand."
He shrugs. It's not like Pip was ever naïve – well, he was, but not innocent. Pip was never innocent. Just the way he looks at Damien… like he wants to devour him right there. Damn, that's hot. I bet they could teach Gary a thing or two… oh! I am amazing.
"Hey guys? Could I ask a favor?"
Damien narrows his eyes suspiciously, but Pip looks intrigued – quite possibly because of the subject matter.
"Um… Gary and I kinda agreed to teach each other about things. Gary would teach me about civics, and I'd teach him about sex and stuff." Damien looks even more skeptical. "I was wondering if I could ask you two to demonstrate what I'd be explaining, you know?"
"Huh," Damien says pensively. And after a pause, "We'll let you know after school."
Pip throws me a smile that means he's going to do a lot more than speak with Damien about this, they'll do me the favor, and probably do me as well.
Damn, I'm gonna have a boner for the rest of the fucking day.
The bell rings. Kyle must have sent Wendy after me, because she comes up behind me and drags me away from their promises.
---
Whee! This is my cracktastic, anti-drug fic. And I love it for that. But that's about it. Although, Stan, you slut. Damn, boy.
I'm taking some of my fics off hiatus. This doesn't mean that they'll be published right away, though. Please be patient. Check my profile for further details. Thanks!