Hi, I'm back again. I got many reviews for the last chapter, very happy for that. Honestly I was a little worried how it would be received, but I'm glad so many seemed to like it. Thank you very much.
Sorry for the very late update, for some reason this chapter was really hard to write for me. I will try to compensate this somehow.
I've written a little (very little) side story that takes place between chapter 7 and 8, I haven't bothered to upload it here. If you feel like reading it, it's on my website (you'll find the link in my profile page). It explains why Cagalli won't get pregnant...
Again note that I wont be able to answer the reviews if you review anonymously.
Human Behaviour
Where does this loneliness come from? Where does all this insecurity come from? When I was younger I don't remember being so insecure. I didn't hate myself. I just went through the day without thinking about what other people thought about me. I did feel lonely many times back then too, but in my heart I knew that father and everybody else loved me.
Now I'm never sure, about people's love, about my own feelings. I search for confirmation but I never find it. Because I know I'm not the person that they think I am. Sometimes black feelings come overflowing. That's when nothing matters anymore. That's when I wonder what I'm doing here in the first place. That's when I wonder why there is a "me", when I can't find the value of the existence of me. Bad days come when I feel like a black hole is consuming me. But no one notice. No one notice my ugly inside that is the real me. They just see what they want to see, a smiling happy me, friendly to everyone. They don't see that that smile is a desperate attempt to hold on. They don't see that I'm never honest. And that makes me fear that if they knew the real me, they wouldn't like me.
But that's maybe why I love you? You are never honest, just like me. I see myself in you, I didn't want to admit it but in many ways we're the same you and I. Maybe I'm worse than you? You love me don't you? I think you love me, I want to believe it. Please love me Athrun.
I
"Party?" Cagalli asked.
"Come on Cagalli, haven't you heard? You hang around those losers all the time." Fllay looked at her in amazement.
"…I must've forgotten." Cagalli couldn't bring herself to remember any talk about a party. She had been too busy thinking about Athrun. Since that night, he had been cold towards her, it had gone one week now and she hadn't been at his house since. But still she could feel his gaze sometimes but when she returned it, he averted his eyes. Why had it become like this? She wanted to make up but she didn't know how when he wouldn't even let her come close to him.
"…lli."
"Cagalli!" Fllay suddenly shouted in her ear.
"What, Fllay? Why are you shouting, do you want to make me deaf or something?" Cagalli said a little irritated.
"It's because you're not listening! Seriously what is wrong with you lately? Always in the blue…"
"Sorry, Fllay…Really it's nothing. So when is this party?"
"Dearka said the Saturday after the exams." Miriallia said.
"Dearka?"
"Oh yeah, you weren't listening before so you wouldn't know but it's Dearka who's having the party at his place."
"At his place? Do his parents allow that?"
"…Cagalli in what world do you live in? Of course they don't."
"More accurately they don't know about it so they don't have a chance to have an opinion."
"…that's convenient…"
"Well it's not like they don't have anything to do with it, if they're never home how are they supposed to know what their kids are up to?"
"It's a favorable situation for us though, I'm really looking forward to it, say what you will about Dearka but his parties are the best. I wonder what I'm going to wear." Fllay started to make shopping plans in her head, just because she had a boyfriend she couldn't relax. She had a reputation to think about, she was the school's fashion queen and she certainly wasn't going to let that go.
"Fllay…" Miriallia sighed, but chuckled a little at her friend.
"Are you going, Miri?" Cagalli asked with uncertainty.
"Yeah, of course I'm going, can't miss the party of the year." Miriallia said looking amused.
"But I thought you didn't like Dearka."
"I don't have to like him to come to his party."
"Cagalli you're so thickheaded. She's pretending that she doesn't like him but reality she does." Fllay butted in.
"Eh? Is that true? …I'm not thickheaded!"
"Don't listen to her Cagalli, I don't like him, really. And Fllay, stop saying that, can't you accept when I say I don't like him. I'm serious.
"So? I am serious too." Fllay said not caring too much about Miriallia's apparent irritation.
I
The final exams were finally over, and the day of the party had arrived. Cagalli thought she had done fairly well, after all she had actually been studying during the whole term. It was worse for Kira, since he hadn't been studying until the week before the tests, he had been forced to sit day and night desperately trying to cram the most important stuff and pray for the best. One thing led to another and perhaps because of all the stress Kira suddenly got sick after the last exam.
On the day of the party Cagalli had received a SMS from Kira saying that he couldn't come. Truthfully Cagalli was disappointed, she really had wanted Kira to be there. She had never been to a party before, and even if Fllay and Miri and the guys from the student council would be there, it would have felt better if he was there. Especially now that Athrun wasn't talking to her, not that they could talk in public anyway, even if things were different between them. But still she would go, there was no way that Fllay was going to let her back out now. And maybe, maybe she would get an opportunity to set things right with Athrun again, no matter how improbable that may seem.
I
Athrun came to the party alone and was greeted by already slightly intoxicated Dearka.
"Athrun, I'm glad you could come!" he said happily.
"Thanks Dearka." Athrun said while skilfully dodging the hug that was coming from Dearka, "Just please no hugs, I don't want to be hugged by any guy."
"Oh, come on, don't be so stiff. We're all friends."
"Sure…"
"Athrunnn!" he heard another familiar voice. Heine. He knew that he would be here but when he was confronted with the reality of it, he felt like he shouldn't have come after all.
"Hello, Heine." Athrun said shortly while pushing him away to avoid a second hugging attempt.
"Dearkaaaa, Athrun is pushing me away!" Heine whined.
"There, there Heine, come to Dearka. I will comfort you." Dearka said and hugged him and stroke his hair gently like a mother would and Heine wept crocodile tears against Dearka's shoulder.
Athrun just looked at them coldly for a moment before he made an effortless attempt to leave them.
"Wait Athrun, we're just joking."
"I know that, I just don't find the humour in it."
"It's because you don't have any humour." Heine said smiling too much.
"Is that all?" Athrun simply answered and made a new attempt to walk away from them.
"Wait, sorry Athrun. Do you want anything to drink? I'll get it for you." Dearka tried to appease Athrun who seemed to be in an even worse mood than usual.
Athrun sighed as if he had given up, "Sure, what do you have?"
"Everything." Dearka said grinning.
A few minutes later and with a glass of single malt whisky in his hand Athrun finally got away from the fearsome duo. They were bad enough at school but when drunk they were at least ten times worse.
Athrun tried to keep a low profile as he checked the surroundings, he couldn't be sure. There were many people there and it was a big house but he got the feeling that Cagalli hadn't arrived yet. The big giveaway was that Dearka wasn't stalking Miriallia, which could only mean that she hadn't come yet and Cagalli would most probably come together with her and Fllay. So he kept near the entrance so he wouldn't miss her arrival. Maybe it sounded strange, when he had been avoiding her all this time, but there was only one reason he was here, Cagalli.
When he heard about the party he hadn't had the slightest intention of going, despite Dearka's and Heine's efforts to persuade him or rather because of them he got more and more convinced that he didn't want to go. But when he understood that Cagalli would go, he changed his mind. Maybe he had avoided her but he hadn't stopped thinking about her. That was the problem he couldn't stop thinking about her.
But thinking about what he had seen of Cagalli's alcohol tolerance level, and the fact it was going to be a big party with lots of people and with lots of guys that could not be trusted. Actually not one guy at this party could be trusted. Knowing that and knowing how oblivious Cagalli was of her attractiveness, and still stubbornly unwilling to recognise that there actually was a difference in physical strength between women and men made the decision easy for him.
Somewhere, there was also the worry that Cagalli might, find someone else. Sure it was he who hadn't spoken to her but now that didn't feel so important. He wasn't ready to let someone else have her yet. Right now just the thought of her in someone else's arms made him in an inexplicably bad mood.
After what must have been about half an hour, Cagalli finally came, together with Miriallia, Fllay and for some reason Yzak, apparently in a foul mood. How surprising. More accurately Yzak and Fllay were having an argument.
"Why are you sulking?" Fllay said impatiently.
"I'm not sulking!" Yzak protested.
"You so are!"
"Am not!"
"…" this answer or rather Yzak stubbornness didn't seem to go well with Fllay, she started to look really angry. And you could almost see how the atmosphere around her turned jet black. The people who were near, slowly started to back away from her, cautiously not to offend the now very scary Fllay. Yzak noticed it too of course. Even if it was Yzak, there was no way he wouldn't notice the black aura that surrounded her. But Yzak wouldn't be Yzak if he backed down from an argument, but at least it seemed he changed his tactics, "I was just wondered how long it can possibly take to get ready, have you any idea how long I had to wait for you to finish?" He shouted with thunderous voice. Ah, the open attack strategy, Yzak's favourite.
"A girl needs time to get ready that's just how it is, right Miri?"
"Don't drag me into this…" Miriallia said looking extremely reluctant.
"Needs time for what? And because of that we're totally late!" Yzak screamed.
"Are you stupid or what! No one comes in time for a party."
"Hmpf, if there is anyone I don't want to hear that from it's you. And I don't care what people think, I don't like to be late."
"What do you mean by that?"
"It means just that."
"Are you calling me stupid? You weirdo!"
"Who are you calling a weirdo!"
At that point you could hear a voice coming closer from another direction, "Ah, I hear fighting. My darling Yzak must have arrived!" Heine came running. But switched focus when he caught sight of Cagalli, "Cagalli-cutie! You came! Come hear and let me hug you!"
Athrun who was observing, bit his tongue in frustration. He definitely didn't want to let Heine hug Cagalli, but he was helpless in this situation. If he acted now, it would definitely raise a lot of questions.
He couldn't do anything and he gritted his teeth as he watched Cagalli get caught in Heine's arms. Cagalli looked surprised, but obediently let him hug her at first, but after a while she started to look a little uneasy. He wouldn't let go.
"Cagalli-cutie, you're so soft." Heine said happily.
"Who are you calling Cagalli-cutie?" Cagalli protested.
"Heine, what the hell are you doing? That's way to long for a friendly hug!" Yzak shouted and grabbed Heine and pulled him away from Cagalli.
Athrun, who had started to reach the limit of what he could take, found an unexpected ally in Yzak.
"That's mean Yzak, it was just an innocent little hug." Heine whined, "And Cagalli-cutie didn't mind."
"Innocent you say? Don't make me laugh."
"There is not nothing wrong with hugging, everybody should hug each other more. Yzak, you can have one to."
"There is no way I'm letting you hug me!"
"No one's letting me hug them, I feel so unloved."
"Stop screwing around!"
"That reminds me, where is the boyfriend?" Heine looked like he just realized something.
"Yeah, Yamato. He should be coming too, shouldn't he?"
"Oh, Kira? He's ill it seems." Miriallia said.
"Yeah, he has a fever. And he's not my boyfriend." Cagalli said.
"Then there is nothing wrong with me hugging you."
"Yes there is, keep your pervert hands away from Cagalli." Fllay contradicted him.
"Pervert? That's too harsh... I only got one little hug."
"Don't worry you get as many as you like from me." Dearka said grinning as he was walking to them.
"Where have you been Dearka?"
"I had to stop an accident from happening, it's hard work having a party. You have to make sure that the house will be kept in one piece… Hi Miri, I'm glad you could come."
"Oi! So you're just going to ignore us?" Yzak asked irritated.
"Hi, Yzak. Still as noisy as ever."
"What kind of greeting is that?"
"I could say the same thing you know?"
"You coward!"
"Anyway, Miri, Cagalli, Fllay, do you want something to drink?"
Athrun tried to look indifferent while he carefully observed everything that was happening. But what was that skirt Cagalli was wearing? If it were any shorter you would see her bloody underwear. And that décolletage it was so low you could actually see the bra, what was she thinking? Put aside that it was winter and very cold outside, not the most suitable weather for such light clothing what was it that she wanted to achieve by wearing that kind of outfit? She looked… flirtatious. Athrun felt how his irritation was rising further, especially since he noticed how everybody looked in Cagalli's group's direction. He was interrupted though by someone who grabbed his arm.
"Hey Athrun, why haven't you called me? It's been so long since we..." A sulky voice said. Athrun looked down to his side and saw a familiar face a girl he used to sleep with from time to time, naturally there was no intention of being serious from either of them. Right now she seemed to be somewhat drunk.
"I don't remember having any obligation to tell you." Athrun said and looked in Cagalli's direction again.
"Oh, come on. Please tell me…"
"…I've just haven't been in the mood." Athrun answered this time without bothering to look at the girl. A behaviour that made her suspicious and she looked in the same direction.
"Athrun, what are you looking at?"
Athrun felt a tinge of irritation but only answered, "Nothing particular."
And as if the first girl had been the start signal, more of them dared to approach him.
"Don't think you can occupy Athrun all by yourself!" A girl said, and before you knew it, a little group of girls had gathered around him. To Athrun they were nothing more than a bother, but he didn't want to start anything that might catch attention and he could actually use these girls as a cover to be near Cagalli without causing suspicions. So he didn't do anything to stop them, he just listen to their conversation and answered their questions half-heartedly as he was steeling glances of Cagalli.
On the other side Cagalli was holding the drink she had received from Dearka and eyeing it suspiciously.
"What are you waiting for Cagalli? Come on, drink." Fllay said to her.
But remembering the beer Athrun had given her, she was very suspicious. It had made her feel strange but what's worse the taste had been really terrible but she had drunken it anyway. Finally she braced herself and tried a small sip, and she was greatly surprised. It tasted really good. It was sparkly and it tickled her tongue a little
"This is really good what is it?" She asked.
"Champagne, Bollinger to be exact."
"You never had champagne?" Fllay asked.
"I've only tried beer before and I didn't like it at all."
"Why on earth did you drink beer? I hate beer too, I never drink beer."
"I don't like beer either, girls don't usually drink it." Miriallia agreed.
"I'm glad you like it ladies." Dearka said pleased.
"Yeah it's pretty ok, considering." Miriallia, not ready to commend Dearka.
Cagalli had noticed Athrun as soon as she came, well she had actually searched for him. And as usual he was looking too good for his own good, and she wondered what he thought about her. She had asked Fllay to help her find appropriate clothes and make-up, not telling the real purpose of course. Maybe it was a desperate measure, to try to make him interested again by wearing slightly provocative clothes, but she was at her wits end. She really was desperate in her wish to make him see her again, to touch her again, even teasing her would be better than this indifference. Therefore it came as a shock, to see how girls other than her were gathering around him, and he didn't do anything to stop them. It was like the ultimate sign, that they were over, things were back exactly as they were before. In frustration, she emptied her glass and asked for another one.
On Cagalli's demand she, Fllay and Miriallia changed room, to have some "female bonding" as Fllay put it. Cagalli just wanted to get away from Athrun. They talked together for awhile but later Fllay said she was going to find Yzak and only Miriallia and Cagalli were left. Miriallia was in a good mood, it had been surprisingly easy to shake free of Dearka and smiling she sipped from her drink as she looked at the people around her.
Cagalli's mood on the other hand was quite opposite. She was thinking about Athrun and after a little while he too came into this room. He had placed himself at the other end of it, and it was a pretty large room but still he was clearly visible or would have been if it weren't for all the girls that were surrounding him. When Miriallia said that she was going to the bathroom she hardly noticed, she just nodded.
She felt angry, a few of them she recognised, she had seen him with them before. She knew she and Athrun didn't have a real relationship but as long as he was sleeping with her he could at least keep his hands away from other girls. It wasn't like he had explicitly said they were through.
But then she noticed, what was she thinking? Had she become so deprived, that she could think about her relationship with him in such terms? When she loved him this much? But seeing him like this made her want to vent her frustration somewhere. It struck her that maybe he was doing it to tease her, or maybe provoke her. Well in that case she would show him, that she also could. She emptied the glass she was holding and refilled it, she felt like it would be a little easier to stand it if she numbed herself a little.
She emptied that glass too and sure enough she was starting to feel fuddled. The music was loud and it felt like it was drowning her thoughts. She was thinking if she would go and try to find some of the others in the student council because they were sure to be here somewhere when she heard someone speak to her,
"Can I get you something to drink?"
"Eh?" She looked at the owner of the voice and it was a guy she didn't recognise but still he had to be one of the students at school she thought. He looked pretty good she guessed but not as good as that bastard Athrun. But, as she thought more about it, it was an opportunity to make Athrun jealous. It was unfair that she should be the only one who was jealous.
"Do you want something to drink? I can get it for you." The guy asked again.
"Yeah, that'd be great. Thanks." She smiled at him. He looked happy and smiled back and asked, "What do you want?"
"Eh, I'm not used to drinking so I don't know anything… I'll have whatever you're having, as long it's not beer." Cagalli said a little embarrassed, not knowing anything made her felt like an ignorant little kid.
He smiled a little wilder and she felt a little irritated, so what if she didn't have any experience? It wasn't that funny.
"Ok, I get it. Something that doesn't taste so much alcohol then." He smiled and went to fix them the drinks.
She stood there waiting, while fighting the urge to look in Athrun's direction. There were quite a lot of people there, talking, laughing, dancing, drinking in this room that was quite tastefully decorated. It felt a little odd since she never had been to a party before but the mood certainly wasn't unpleasant. But when she noticed a couple making out right behind her she quickly moved away with blushing cheeks. She looked around her and she wondered where Miriallia had gone, should it take so long to go to the bathroom?
I
Miriallia came out of the bathroom, and was about to go back to Cagalli when she noticed someone who was standing talking and laughing with a couple of other guys, someone she knew so well. Someone who she could only associate with pain now.
Instinctively she tried to pass without him noticing it, but it came to nothing when he suddenly turned around and his eyes met with hers. She immediately averted hers and tried to escape but he called out her name, "Miriallia!"
Still she tried to ignore him but he stopped her by grabbing her arm, "Please, don't go Miriallia. Can't we talk?" he said pleadingly.
Miriallia turned to face him and looked up at him with tears threatening to well up from her eyes, "Why can't you just leave me alone? Haven't you done enough to me!"
"Please, Miri. I just want to talk." He looked her straight in the eye and she couldn't stand it so she averted her eyes. It felt unfair that he was able to do that. When she couldn't, when she was the one who had been betrayed.
"What is there to talk about?" She asked shortly looking away.
"I want to apologise." He said and he sounded so sincere, which made it even harder to keep her guard against him. But it was to late now, "I don't need you apologises."
"I made a terrible mistake, I know that. There is not a day that goes by that I don't regret it."
"I wonder how your girlfriend would feel if she knew you were calling her a mistake."
"…she's not my girlfriend anymore. We broke up soon after, the last time I saw you."
"Well that's too bad for you, but it has nothing to do with me."
"I know you must feel very angry, and I know you might not forgive me. But I want a second chance." He started to sound desperate and the grip he had round her wrist tightened.
"A second chance? That's a nice one, hahaha. Now enough with the jokes and leave me alone." She pulled back her hand and started to walk away from him again but he grabbed her shoulder, not hard, but as if to let him say one last thing.
"I don't mean to get back together, I know that's impossible. But I really want us to be friends, I miss you."
"…Just stop bothering me." She said but in reality she wavered, what he said sounded so tempting, honestly that was what she had wished herself so many times. How many times hadn't she asked herself what if? What if they had just stayed friends, not involved love. Because that was what she was missing, the love had gone away since long ago, but the loss and the want of their friendship was the thing that still tortured her.
Their quarrel had caught a lot of attention and Dearka had also noticed and decided to intervene.
"I want you to get out of here. If Miri doesn't want to see you, you're not welcome." Dearka said coldly to Tolle.
Tolle looked a little shocked and backed down a few steps from Dearka who was looking very threatening at that moment.
"You stay out of this Elsman, this is our problem and it's got nothing to do with you." Miriallia stopped him and looked at him with eyes that said that she wouldn't forgive him if he meddled any further.
Dearka looked surprised and hurt at first but soon his countenance turned very dark, "…I get it. Fine, I won't bother you anymore. Sorry for being such a bother." He said stiffly before he walked away.
Tolle looked questioningly at Miriallia and eventually it looked like she had made a resolve, she took a deep breath and she opened her mouth, "Sorry, but I can't be friends with you, not right now. You already made your choice long ago. You can't do a thing like that and expect us to stay the same. I miss you too, I miss my childhood friend. But we can't go back and the one that made it so was you. It's sad isn't it? But for me there is no other way." This time she looked him at him straight and seriously. There was no hesitation, there was nothing that could be questioned, it was how it was and how it would be.
Tolle looked devastated, but soon it was resignation you could se in his face, he looked at her sadly and finally said,
"…I understand. I won't mention it again, I won't try to contact you anymore. Just let me say I'm truly sorry, I never meant for it to become like this. I'm glad to have been your friend and I really love you, but I understand what you're saying. It really is sad, and it's my fault… I hope you'll be happy, Miriallia."
"…I hope you'll be happy too. Though I can't be there with you."
"So this is goodbye…"
"Yeah."
"Well I better get going so I don't get my ass kicked." Tolle said smiling faintly and left for front door.
Miriallia followed him with her gaze and when he had disappeared, she started sobbing.
Fllay who also had been watching the events approached her, "Miri what are you doing? Why did you say that to Dearka?"
"What did it look like I was doing? I'm tired of his meddling and I finally put an end to it today."
"Are you sure you're ok with this? Even Dearka must have his limits, he sounded pretty serious."
"Just the way I like it, I'm tired of being harassed by that playboy."
"I thought you liked him."
"That's something you decided on your own. You didn't listen when I said I didn't, well I was serious."
"Just don't regret this later, though I think you will."
"…I'm leaving this place now."
"Should I call a taxi?"
"I can do that myself."
"I'll call you tomorrow."
"Yeah, be careful now."
"You too, you're sure you'll be ok?" Fllay asked worriedly.
"Yeah, I'm sure, see you. Miriallia wiped her eyes and tried to smile a little.
"See you."
I
"What do you say? It's so noisy here it's kind of hard to have a decent conversation, maybe we can go somewhere else?" The guy said in her ear. Cagalli hesitated, she still wanted to keep an eye on Athrun so to speak. But when she looked at his direction he looked like he was in deep conversation with a very cute girl, she could see that the girl was hugging his arm pressing her breast against him, and Athrun, he didn't seem to mind! Alright, if he wanted it that way, fine take that bitch. There were other people than Athrun that could appreciate her more. She would show him! In an instant she emptied the remainder of what was in the glass and turned to the guy, he had probably said his name, but she had forgotten or she hadn't heard. "Sure, why not? I've no reason to stay here."
"Great." He smiled a gentle smile, yeah that smile was really cute she thought.
How she got here she didn't know, fragments of memories showing themselves in her mind. Pictures of a stair, where she stumbled and busted into the wall with her shoulder. She had trouble standing up, she had to use cling to the wall for support until a kind hand reached out to her and helped her up. Now she was in some kind of study-like room, with a big desk by the window and a heavy-looking sofa armchairs.
She looked absentmindedly at the guy with the kind smile whose name she couldn't remember, about to ask what they were doing here when she lost her balance and fell down on the sofa. Or had he pushed her? She wasn't sure, but the next thing she knew it, he was on top of her. Still smiling, but now the smile had a trace of ridicule. And at that moment she became afraid.
She tried to push him away but he was heavy and it was hard to focus her thoughts. She couldn't fully grasp what was happening but she was scared. She didn't want to be there anymore and she wanted to get away from this guy. He was scaring her. She tried to hit him but he just gripped her wrists and pressed them above her head, it hurt so she let out a whimper.
"Are you kidding me? You must have known that this would happen, if you follow a guy into room alone… I'm not gonna let you tease me."
She felt his hands moving up her skirt with clumsy hands were pulling down her panties. The smell of after shave mixed with sweat and something else, the unfamiliar smell of a person she didn't know. And it made her feel sick. Now she probably should do something, she was about to be raped, this guy wouldn't listen to her, he would force her, she realised. He was smirking at her, did he think this was amusing? That when she tried to resisted smiled even wider, as if he thought that her resistance was entertaining. And the name that came up in her mind, the only thing she could think about in her state of fear was Athrun. But he wouldn't come and save her, he had dumped her and he was probably with one of those other cuter girls right now. But even though she knew that he didn't care about her. She couldn't help but rely on him. Pathetically she wanted him to save her.
"…suran"
"Shut up and be still."
"Athrun."
"I said shut up, bitch."
"Athrun!"
I
He wasn't around her all the time, he went to fill his glass a few times, went to the bathroom, was harassed by girls, was harassed by Heine and Dearka a few times which actually was a kind of relief because it briefly took Cagalli off his mind and he could be irritated on something he was used to being irritated on.
He felt increasingly annoyed with himself that he couldn't get her off his mind, and he still couldn't understand why. She really wasn't anything special, she was just another girl. Sure she was cuter than most, but he had been with cuter girls than her. And if he wanted cute he just had to pay his fiancée a visit (though of course he couldn't sleep with her). So why, did he act this way? He was getting pathetic almost like a stalker.
But he knew that he wanted to resume the relationship they had before he had distanced himself again. He intended to wait for a favourable opportunity and then get her to follow him home without anyone noticed. It wasn't like he had come to the party with that intention but as the evening passed it became more and more obvious. Why shouldn't he? The sex with Cagalli was great, except for that last time but at that time he had been too angry to enjoy it. Normally it was great, even though she wasn't experienced, she simply turned him on.
But as Athrun was watching Cagalli during the evening he felt his irritation rising, rising for every new drink she took, rising for every guy who looked in her direction. The urge to just go up to her and knock some sense into her became increasingly hard to fight back. And his irritation level just seemed to explode when he noticed she started talking to a guy that even he didn't know. And if he didn't know there was little chance that Cagalli would know him. He noted how the guy hadn't walked up to her when Miriallia was there, making him suspicious. Yes he just wanted to grab her by the arm and drag her out of there, but he managed to keep his cool. As long as he was observing nothing would happen, and if something really did happen he could and would do something about it. But then a girl came up to him. He hadn't really forgotten her name, even if he didn't want to Athrun was very good at remembering things like names. But her name wasn't important, she was bothering him. She pulled him by the arm and talked to his ear, "Athrun… can't we go somewhere else?"
"Could you release my arm?" He replied coldly.
"I don't want to…" she said sulkily and started to try to drag him away.
"If you don't let go of my arm now, I'll make you." Athrun didn't bother to hide his irritation.
"Come on, don't be so cold… I'll do anything you want…"
"Why can't you get it through that thick skull of yours that I'm not interested to fuck you?"
The girl looked shocked at first but then offended, "Fine, it's not like you're all that anyway!" she screamed at him and it looked like she was going to throw her drink at him for a second. But in the end she didn't, probably afraid of the consequences that would follow. It was Athrun and he was known not to show any mercy even to girls.
Athrun just looked at her coldly, almost a little threateningly for a brief moment and then turned away to see what Cagalli was doing when he noticed she wasn't there anymore. That guy she had been talking to wasn't there either.
This was bad, this was seriously not good. He searched for her once more but she wasn't anywhere to be found.
He went from room to room, he heard someone call his name but he didn't care, he just continued. His was getting more and more desperate, now he ran, one of the bathroom doors had been locked and he had banged at it and he had been cursed at but he hadn't cared. He wasn't particularly drunk but the situation made it hard to think straight, his pulse was up extremely high. When he hadn't found her on the ground floor he realised his mistake, of course they wouldn't be downstairs where everyone else was. It was strictly forbidden to go upstairs, if you did you were thrown out of the party and never invited again. Of course they had to be upstairs where no one would discover them. He ran upstairs, looked through all the rooms there too until he came to the study.
He knew this house rather well, he had been here several times when the student council had meetings outside school. The first time he had been given a tour by Dearka and he still remembered everything. He tried the door, it wasn't locked, he opened it.
The surroundings suddenly disappeared, everything turned black. And then he could feel it like slow-motion, his veins were expanding, pumping, he could feel his blood rushing through his body up to his head. Pumping.
Far away was the noise from the music and the chattering voices downstairs. Now that was like a totally different world. His consciousness stopped working, all that he could se was Cagalli lying on the couch with that guy on top of her.
"Athrun!" her scream woke him up.
Suddenly she felt how the weight that was on her disappeared. Confused she looked up and it was hard to believe but it was the person she had called out for, Athrun that was standing there. He had grabbed the guy's collar from behind and pulled him away from her.
"Hey, what the fuck are you doing?" the guy screamed angrily. But Athrun didn't answer, instead he head-butted him. You could hear bones crack. And blood spurted. His nose had probably been broken. But Athrun didn't stop there, it happened very fast so his opponent probably didn't have time to react, he threw him on the floor and continued to land punch after punch. It should hurt but he couldn't feel anything, he just continued to hit him.
Cagalli was scared, this was Athrun but she didn't recognise him. He looked like someone else, Athrun normally didn't show much emotion but now he looked almost crazy. She had never seen him this angry before, not even that last time when he had been jealous at Kira. She knew she had to stop him, so rushed to him and tried to drag him off now semi-unconscious guy, "Stop it Athrun, you're going to kill him!" She screamed. Athrun shook her off him and she fell to the floor and hit her head. Everything was in chaos. She was still very drunk, and it was hard to keep conscious. She felt how everything turned black in front of her eyes but somehow she managed to keep awake.
Athrun seemed to have cooled down bit a least and he had stopped hitting. He took the guy's wallet and stood up looked at the ID and looked at the guy on the floor with cold eyes and said, "I don't think I have to tell you this, but you better keep your mouth shut. Don't tell anybody or I will not only make you pay but your whole family. And don't think I can't, I know who you are, and I if I want to I can make your life a living hell." Athrun threw back the wallet at him and turned to Cagalli, "You, pull up your panties for God's sake."
Cagalli had been so shocked that she forgotten to pull them up, and now she lay there on the floor with her panties like that. A mixture of embarrassment and self-disgust came flowing, and at the same time she was released from the absolute fear she had been feeling. And she started crying, and she did as she was told and corrected her underwear. Athrun held out his hand to her and she took it and got up from the floor with his help.
He didn't release her hand instead the grip hardened and he said, "We're leaving this place now." And really there was nothing she rather would do, but tone in Athrun's voice made her nervous. It sounded very cold, but she knew it was a sign of anger. She didn't say anything, she didn't even dared to look at him she just followed him. She cast one last look at the guy on the floor, with relief she saw that he was slowly about to get up as they leaved the room.
She was still pretty out of it, but she caught that Athrun was calling for a taxi.
He took her to what turned out to be a wardrobe and told her to wait there and not open to anybody but him. She waited just like she was told, in what felt like the longest time but in reality couldn't have been more than a couple of minutes. Athrun came back with what were their jackets and shoes.
Athrun led her to what wasn't the main entrance, and they got out on what seemed to be the back of the house. They went out through the gate and Athrun led them to a parallel street were they stopped and waited for the taxi to arrive. Cagalli suddenly got the urge to throw up, but she didn't want to do it outside so she put a hand to her mouth and tried to stop it. Athrun saw what she was doing and simply said, "Don't fight it, it's better you do it here than in the taxi."
Being told that she stopped resisting the urge that was impossible to stop anyway and she crouched and let it all out, with Athrun still holding her hand. She felt disgusting, and it felt terrible that Athrun could see her in this condition. She didn't know what face he made because she couldn't look at him, not when she was like this. She spitted and wiped her mouth to get out as much of the vomit as possible. They stood there for a while in silence waiting for the taxi, it didn't take that long but it felt like forever.
In the taxi the silence continued and so did Cagalli's sobbing. Athrun was in a state of mind that he didn't notice that she was trembling, he was too filled with anger to think about how the experience must have been for Cagalli. He just looked out the window with blank eyes, watching the familiar scenery passing by.
When they came home to Athrun immediately dragged Cagalli up to his bedroom and threw her on the bed, and he started vent everything he had wanted to say to her, but couldn't because he didn't want to start a scene in public.
"What the fuck were you doing? How the hell could you be so fucking stupid?"
"Cagalli looked shocked or surprised by his sudden outburst and looked at him with red eyes and stuttered, "I- I didn't know."
"Firstly how could you drink so much, when you even get drunk after one beer?"
"…" Cagalli didn't know what to answer, she couldn't very well tell the truth, "I drank because I was jealous because of you." No way was she going to admit that.
"Don't you know what signals wearing that skirt and being that drunk send out? It's like begging for someone to take advantage of you! And then you follow some guy you don't even know into room where you were alone, so fucking stupid!"
She knew she had been stupid, but she hadn't known. It hadn't existed in her mind that he would do anything like that, he had been so nice. But solely blaming her, somehow made her feel anger rising with tears of anger and frustration welling up she shouted back, "So you're saying it's my fault? Just because I was drunk and I wore these clothes, does that mean that it's ok, that I had it coming?"
"It doesn't matter whose fault it was, that isn't the issue here. The fact is that you put yourself in that position, and that was so idiotic I don't even know how to begin to describe how stupid it was. What if I hadn't come and save you! Think about that!"
"Well sorry for being so stupid! I guess I would have been raped wouldn't I?"
Things seemed to erupt into a climax and Athrun didn't care to answer that comment. Frustration and anger were taking over again and he pushed back Cagalli and straddled her on the bed. He kissed her violently and forced his tongue into her mouth not caring about the faint taste of vomit. And this time Cagalli answered the kiss. The kissed each other violently and started to take off each other's clothes. It was as if those feelings were turned into plain lust. At this moment it felt like that emotion was much easer to deal with, it made everything that had happened and every worry disappear. They just acted on instinct, feeling each other.
I
When Athrun woke up the morning after, he had an unbelievable headache. His bruised knuckles were aching. He thought about what happened yesterday and he suddenly felt sick and rushed to the bathroom to throw up. After he panted and washed his mouth. He looked in the mirror, he looked worn and tired. No different from how he felt right now. Even if he tried not to think about what happened the thoughts came mercilessly. When he thought about how that fucking piece of shit had tried to rape Cagalli he felt how anger was boiling up again. He tightened his fists. But still, he felt scared. He didn't recognise himself, who was this person? Who had beaten up someone so badly? Who was he becoming? He felt he had never been so blindly furious before in his whole life.
Yes he was afraid of all the emotions that he felt concerning Cagalli, she had brought chaos into his life. But every time he tried to distance himself from her, something came that brought him back again. She was changing him, whether he liked it or not. He had become more irritated and moody, but at least he was feeling something, and of course there was lust. She aroused him. Maybe it was time to admit that somehow he needed Cagalli.
He took a shower and it helped him to calm down a little. When he came out of the bathroom, he looked a Cagalli, she was still sleeping peacefully and he didn't want to wake her up, she deserved her rest. He thought he would go and make breakfast but as he was about to leave the room he heard her sleepy voice call, "Athrun? Where are you going?" He looked at her, and she looked worried, she had make up from yesterday still on, making dark lines under her eyes.
"I'm going to make breakfast, take a shower first and then come down to the kitchen." He tried to smile at her. He didn't know if he succeeded, but Cagalli nodded and said "ok" in any case.
I
Something was strange, Cagalli who was sitting across the table smiling widely, it was that smile, that smile that made him jealous at others. A smile like the sun… perhaps. But it was strange, after what she been through, she shouldn't smile like that. She never had smile like that to him before.
It suddenly hit him as he looked at her smiling at that moment. There was something missing. And now that he thought about it he became certain it never had been there in the first place. Why hadn't he noticed it before? Now it seemed funny, because it now it was so obvious, it looked like the real thing but it wasn't, and her laughter sounded like the real thing but it wasn't. She was good at concealing it, but she couldn't hide it from him anymore. In reality her smile felt hollow. And now when he saw it, it only made him feel bad.
For the first time he felt something like guilt, how he had reacted yesterday was probably totally wrong. He had not once thought about how she was feeling when she must be feeling much worse than him. Instead he had yelled at her, when she probably had needed comfort instead. And then they had had sex… after she just had been subjected to that. She never had been so forward when they had sex as yesterday. He didn't know what that meant, but he wasn't sure it was a good sign. And the real question, just thinking about it made him feel sick, if she had resisted would he have stopped? And if he hadn't, what made him any different from that other guy? He shook the thought away, he didn't want to think about it. Instead he thought about Cagalli.
"Cagalli…" he didn't know what to say. Should he pretend not to notice? He didn't know why she was faking it but he guessed she did it for a reason and she didn't want him to expose her. But on the other hand, he was happy now that she hadn't smiled like that to him. Maybe she would show him her real face sometimes.
"You've made all this Athrun? It looks great! I'm really hungry." Cagalli said in a bright voice still smiling. But now that voice felt like stabs to his heart, because he heard that she was straining herself.
"Cagalli…" he said again looking at her worriedly.
"What?" she asked him, not understanding what he was aiming at.
He hesitated, honestly he couldn't stand to see her so cheerful when she really should be crying like she did last night when she thought he wouldn't notice.
He wanted to ask "Why are you smiling like that? Why do you force yourself to smile like that when you really look like you want to cry?" but in the end he didn't say anything more. Maybe out of cowardice. He was already in deep, should he risk falling deeper, into a place he didn't know? Probably Cagalli didn't want him to pry anyway. Perhaps it was the easier path, but there was no promise that confronting Cagalli would lead to anything good. In fact probably it wouldn't. Still he wanted to do something, something that would make them think about something else than yesterday.
"What do you say about today? Maybe we could go out and do something."
Before Cagalli had the time to answer, the phone rang. Athrun got up and answered,
"Hello?"
"Athrun? It's Heine." The voice at the other end said.
"Heine? Why do you call?" Athrun stiffened, the tone of Heine's voice made him worry.
"Serious trouble, Cagalli is gone!"
A lot of body fluids this time… How many times has Cagalli vomited in this fic?
People get drunk in different ways, some get very clingy and want to hug you, others get extremely energetic and talkative, others it's hard to see that they are drunk they just smile a little sillier than usual (of course you notice when they open their mouths, nothing of value will come out), others get bitter and whines (one of the worst kinds), others get violent and tries to pick fights (The worst kind), other's fall asleep after two beers. There are many different types, my boyfriend is definitely the hugging type.
"Lalalu…"
"Yes."
"Lalalu…"
"Yes."
"Lalalu…"
"What is it?"
"I like you." (insert hug)
"I like you too." (sighs)
…
"Lalalu…"
"Yes."
"Lalalu…"
"…"
"Lalalu, I love you."
"…I love you too." (sighs)
This is the result of an imbalance of in the intoxication level, here my boyfriend obviously much drunker than me. Avoid if you can, drunks are tiresome. I'm the energetic type I think… I probably get pretty obnoxious too. Luckily, I very rarely get drunk nowadays.
They drink Bollinger like James Bond… But I happen to like Bollinger so I thought it would be ok.
I thought a little about what kind of drink that Athrun would drink, and I finally decided that single malt whisky would be suit him rather well. It's a manly drink, can be very expensive, and it has a kind sophisticated aura, something that a connoisseur would drink. In DESTINY he drinks red wine and I think that would be alright too but that is more something you have to a meal than as a drink (although when I was in high school I often drank red wine at parties. You had to take what you could get if you know what I mean.).