Many thanks to all of you who have reviewed anonymously, since I can't thank you personally.


So this is Goodbye

The day after, in the classroom, she avoided Kira. Honestly she didn't know how to approach him, after she had cooled down she began to regret how she had reacted. She must have hurt him. Kira had said that he loved her and she hadn't even listened to him or given him a proper answer. Kira had said some hurtful things, but if he really loved her, it wouldn't be strange if he was shocked when he found out that she was already dating his best friend.

She had a bad feeling about this, she had to talk to Kira properly and Athrun too or else their friendship might be irreparably damaged. She wanted them all to get along and she knew that Kira was Athrun's only friend, if they got on bad terms Athrun would have no one left.

When it was time for lunch, Kira left the classroom without saying a word to anyone. But Cagalli saw what he was doing, carefully not to be noticed she followed him. He was moving towards the roof, when she came to think of it, didn't Athrun and he use to eat lunch there? But now it was the middle of the winter, what was he up to?

Carefully she opened the door slightly, she heard voices, Kira's and another voice she knew very well. She shivered slightly from the icy air that came seeping in from the opening, the sky was ice blue, and everything was covered with snow which glittered in the sun. She took a step, carefully so that it the snow wouldn't crunch when she put down her foot.

I

Athrun had never seen Kira like this, the normal calm and mild tempered Kira was hard to imagine right now. He looked like he would catch fire any second.

"I can't believe you Athrun! So you have been sleeping with Cagalli all along!"

"…" Athrun didn't answer but hung his head and looked at the ground.

Kira taking that as a 'yes' answered with exploding further, "How could you! How could you do it? I thought we were friends!"

"As far as I'm concerned we still are…"

"Well, friends don't lie to each other!"

"Oh, come on Kira. So you're saying that you haven't been lying to me? About Cagalli, about a lot of stuff."

"Don't try to turn this on me, Athrun! I specifically said not to go after Cagalli! And you said you wouldn't, that you weren't interested in girls like that!"

"…You said you weren't interested in Cagalli, but that was a lie wasn't it?"

"…that has nothing to do with this! Cagalli is my friend and I didn't want you to treat her like you treat all other girls. I don't like that you're playing around and that you only use girls and then throw them away. But still I was your friend. But when I for once asked you the favour not go after Cagalli. You couldn't do me that one favour could you! Instead you lied to me and went behind my back! Do you know what that feels like!"

"…they're using me as well."

"Huh?"

"It's not like I'm some monster that go after innocent girls just to hurt them. They're coming on to me, and most know exactly what they're doing. They're just sleeping with me, and they don't look for anything else. They don't want to get to know me."

"Well poor little Athrun, everybody is just using him. He is not to blame, he's just a victim."

"I'm not saying that! I don't consider myself a victim. I know exactly what I do when I sleep with them, but I'm also saying that they're just the same."

"That may be so, but, Cagalli isn't like that. You must have fooled her!"

"I didn't fool her, I didn't pretend to want anything more than I did."

"You're lying you bastard!" Kira screamed and grabbed Athrun's collar and pushed him against the wall. Their upset harsh breaths were making fickle white clouds in the cold air and now both of them looked straight at each other.

"I'm not lying. Why don't you ask Cagalli?" He didn't know why he provoked Kira like this, but undeniably mixed with the guilt of having lied to Kira he felt irritation. Kira acted like he owned Cagalli or something, maybe Kira was in love with Cagalli. But Cagalli was his, Cagalli loved him not Kira.

"You son-of-a-bitch!" Kira screamed and hit Athrun right in the face. Athrun could see the punch coming but didn't do anything to avoid it. When it hit he felt a little better. Physically it hurt like hell of course but in the state he was in right now he couldn't care less. He wiped off the blood that was trickling from the corner of his mouth with the back of his hand and looked at Kira smiling. That didn't exactly have a calming effect on Kira who grabbed his collar with both hands again.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing."

"Screw you!" he screamed and banged him into the wall, "So you're saying that you've been sleeping with Cagalli all this time and she's been aware that you're a player?"

"Yes." Athrun said smiling, he didn't know why he was smiling because he was certainly not amused. Maybe he had finally lost it.

"You're really the worst Athrun, you bloody bastard. By the way I met your fiancée the other day, remember her Athrun? Lacus Clyne, do you remember her? You're still engaged to her and you're sleeping around. Do you know I had to lie to her for your sake?"

"That was totally unnecessary, no one asked you to."

Kira looked totally amazed, "Who are you? I don't know you. Are you really Athrun?"

"I've always been like this. Maybe you weren't interested enough to see. What I really am."

"…Well now I know. "

"Now you know." Athrun repeated coldly.

Kira took a deep breath to calm down and asked looking straight in Athrun's eyes, "Just answer this: Have you only been playing with Cagalli?"

"…Yes, it's true. It has been fun though, do you want to know? How Cagalli is in bed, how she screams…" Athrun sniggered.

Kira was just about to hit Athrun again when they heard a sound and when they saw what it was both of them felt as if their blood would freeze, there was Cagalli staggering, her face was blue and she looked like she would throw up any second.

For a moment no one said anything, Cagalli looked straight at Athrun and he looked back at her. At that point time stopped, they just looked at each other. Then time suddenly started to move again, and Cagalli turned around and started running, running as fast as she could through the door and down the stairs, picking out her mobile calling that number.

Athrun and Kira stayed like that for a moment but soon Kira woke up from his shock and released Athrun by pushing him as hard as he could into the wall and then he started to run after Cagalli, "Cagalli! Wait!"

Athrun on the other hand could just watch as Cagalli disappeared, in his mouth the taste of iron, he could even feel the smell of it and it made him want to vomit. But he didn't move from that spot. He had a feeling, a feeling it was the last time he would see Cagalli.

Who would have known it would turn out to be true.

Kira had lost sight of Cagalli, he run through the school but he couldn't see her anywhere. He asked people but nobody seemed to have seen her. So he figured she maybe wasn't inside the school anymore, so he ran outside. Faraway by the school gates he could see blonde hair,

"Cagalli!" he screamed and started to run as fast as he could, "Cagalli!"

She seemed to notice that someone was screaming at her because she turned his way but immediately turned away again.

"Cagalli, wait!"

A black limousine drove up in front of her and she opened the door and before she seated her self in the car she looked back at him but right after she took her seat and closed the door and the car started moving.

"Cagalli! Don't go!" he screamed but the car kept moving and about the time he had come out of the school gates it was gone.

I

After that day Cagalli didn't return to school. Athrun didn't bother to go to her flat, he knew that she wouldn't be there. She wouldn't come back again.

After a while life continued as if Cagalli never had been there, and Athrun went back to his old ways. No, in fact it was worse than before, furiously he went from girl to girl. Almost every night he brought someone home.

On top of everything his fiancée Lacus Clyne had decided to enter their school, that woman, what was she planning by coming here? Was she going to spy on him? Somehow he got the feeling that was not the case but if not what was it? He couldn't stand that woman and her blue piercing eyes that looked like she knew everything about him and what he did.

He was sure that she knew that he was sleeping around with other girls but she never mentioned it directly she just looked at him reproachfully and sometimes made comments that seemed innocent but was directed at him and felt like tiny pinpricks. He always ignored her and treated her with the civility he had been raised to treat ladies (something he usually ignored but she was his fiancée so he couldn't treat her just like anyone) albeit very reserved.

He was sure that she wasn't very pleased with being engaged to him but he was just the same. When he thought about being married to her he felt nauseous but there was nothing he could do, it was his father's decision, the person that Athrun never could measure up to, the person he never could go against. In that way they were similar: both were trapped in an engagement decided by their parents with a partner they had nothing in common with and if not hated, certainly didn't like.

So he tried to avoid Lacus as much as he could and it went very well because Lacus on her side didn't make any attempts to approach him, the only contact they had was when they greeted as they passed each other in the corridors.

I

Fllay had been very upset about the fact that Cagalli had disappeared and she confronted Athrun demanding that he would tell her what had happened, because it was clear now that Athrun and Cagalli had had something going on between them and that Cagalli now was gone.

It wasn't hard to come to the conclusion it was Athrun's fault that Cagalli had left and if Fllay had disliked Athrun before she loathed him now. She tried every trick she could come up with to make him talk but Athrun kept quiet, he just answered that he had nothing to say and ignored her after that.

The thing was that it wasn't easy to threaten Athrun Zala, when it came to social standing, wealth, popularity (though of course many hated him), there was no one who could beet him. Not even Fllay who had a solid background herself could come near him. And more than anything Athrun himself had a thick shell that was near impossible to penetrate. There were only two people who had been close to doing that, Kira and of course Cagalli, but even they hadn't come through completely, he somewhere kept the distance even to them.

The school actually was divided into to sides; the ones who thought Cagalli was solely to blame and the ones who thought that it was Athrun who had chased Cagalli away from the school. Athrun could actually feel an increasing number of people glaring at him in the corridors but he didn't mind them at all, he thought that the ones who were cheering him on were much harder to bear. He despised them and he had to control himself not to do anything stupid. They were ignorant and stupid, they didn't know anything about him and certainly nothing about Cagalli either.

He longed for the day that the whole thing would settle down and it would be forgotten making way for newer more interesting scandals. And eventually that time came of course, people got tired of it and focused their interest on other things. The only one's who still thought about Cagalli was her friends: Fllay and Miriallia, the student council, Kira… And of course Athrun though he did everything he could to forget.

I

The new addition to the school, the famous singer Lacus Clyne was placed in the same class as Cagalli had been in and she was seated at Cagalli's old seat. That was another thing that Fllay had a hard time to accept, from the beginning she showed that she had no intention what so ever to accept Lacus and openly showed her dislike.

At the first day Lacus had tried greet her but Fllay had just looked at her with contempt and turned away. Lacus had looked surprised and hurt and Miriallia who also had been surprised smiled apologetically and tried to cover for Fllay's bad behaviour when Fllay stopped her,

"Don't apologise for me, Miri. You know," Fllay turned to Lacus and said, "I'm going to be totally honest, I don't like you. I'm not going to pretend I like you and I have no intention to have anything to do with you. I don't care if you're the idol Lacus Clyne, if you know what's best for you, back off!"

"Fllay!" Miriallia reproached her but Lacus smiled and said, "It's quite alright Miss Haww, I don't mind. Don't worry Miss Allster, I can assure you I will not bother you since it seem so important to you."

"Hmph" Fllay snorted and turned away again.

"Honestly, I don't know why she's like this." Miriallia said to Lacus, "Anyway, please call me Miri, Miss Haww sounds so stiff you know."

"Really! Well then, Miri, I hope we can get along well although I would certainly be very happy if I could somehow change Miss Allster's opinion of me." Lacus said looking happier.

"That won't ever happen!" Fllay contradicted her.

"Hohoho, I will take the liberty of not giving up though." Lacus chuckled a little.

"See if I care."

Later Miriallia repeatedly tried talking to Fllay, the reason was that Miriallia liked Lacus and got along well with her. She couldn't replace Cagalli but Miriallia had never been as attached to her like Fllay. But Fllay wasn't persuaded, she didn't like Lacus,

"I don't care what you say, and it's not just because she came right after Cagalli. I don't trust her, I can't believe that she's so sweet and innocent as she wants people to think. And she's that jerk's fiancée, who knows, she might have something to do with Cagalli quitting school."

"You have no foundation what so ever for that." Miriallia contradicted her.

"Think about it, Cagalli and Zala were having this thing that might have been more serious that his usual conquests, who knows? And Lacus Clyne enters, she's worried she might loose her fiancée, an arrangement that is very profitable for her and her family. She forces Cagalli to move and she herself comes to this school to be able to check up on him. You must admit it's pretty suspicious that Lacus Clyne comes to our class right after Cagalli has quit." Fllay continued.

"It might just as well be a coincidence. And frankly what do we know about Cagalli? Nothing. She obviously lied to us about Zala, and then she suddenly moves away without saying a word to us. I don't know about you, but I can't help feeling a little betrayed."

"Looking at the consequences I can understand she hid it. You're not about to blame Cagalli are you?"

"I'm not blaming anyone, but Cagalli can't be without responsibility in this. You still haven't convinced me that Lacus is involved in any way. If you doubt her so much why don't ask her?"

"Like she would admit it if it was true, she isn't stupid that's for sure."

"Anyway it doesn't seem like she's here to watch over Zala, like he's sleeping around."

"…true, if I was in her position even if I didn't like my fiancée I would still care what he did. Because he if sleeps around it would reflect badly on me. But now that you mention it, it seems like she's more interested in Kira."

"Is Lacus interested in Kira?"

"I can't say for sure of course but she's always at his desk and follows him around everywhere."

"This might turn out to be interesting…" Miriallia's curiosity was teased.

"I don't care if she gets her hands on him or not, I'm over him since long ago. But I think it'll be difficult, even if Cagalli was honest when she said she thought of Kira as a friend I'm not sure Kira looked at it that way."

"True… but all the more interesting, don't you think?"

"If I cared it might be, but as far as I'm concerned those two deserve each other."

"I think I will have to agree with you on that one but for a totally different reason of course." Miriallia smiled a little mischievously.

"By the way Miri, I'm a little relieved. You've looked kind of depressed lately, but you're looking a little better." Fllay looked closely at Miriallia.

"Depressed? What you're talking about?"

"Miri… how about becoming a little more honest ? You know you like him."

"You're saying I'm not honest? That's pretty rude of you Fllay." Miriallia looked at her sharply.

"So why is it that when he doesn't come around anymore you're looking lonely?"

"…" Miriallia couldn't find an answer.

"You know, you're the one who has to take the first step now, Dearka won't approach you anymore. Not after being told that. I think he has definitely given up this time."

"I know that!"

"So you do admit that you like him?" Fllay raised a brow.

"…I don't know. All I know is that I somehow, kind of gotten used to him being around."

"And now that he isn't, you feel like something is missing?"

"Exactly, I was so busy being annoyed at him I didn't notice he was kind of fun to be with too."

"You know what you have to do, right?"

"I know, but it feels so frustrating. Somehow I don't want to see that overconfident smile of his either, it irritates me to no end.

"You have to swallow your pride and just go for it. You know he might have moved on now, maybe he isn't interested anymore, you did say some nasty things." Fllay said and tried to keep her countenance, she was convinced that Dearka hadn't moved on but there was no reason to say that to Miriallia. Miriallia needed to start moving and maybe this was the push that would make her do so.

"Yeah, I know." Miriallia smiled a little sadly.

"Don't worry, if you just apologise I'm sure things will turn out fine." Fllay smiled at Miriallia.

I

In the student council room, after the meeting and after Athrun had left, Heine, Dearka, Yzak and Nicol were remaining. Heine, who looked kind of troubled, raised his voice, "What do you think about Athrun?"

"What do you mean, what we think about Athrun? I thought it was pretty obvious by now that I don't like him!" Yzak said in his usual loud voice.

"Yes, yes we all know that Yzak but I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about Athrun's behaviour recently, don't you think it's getting worse?"

"Now that you mention it…" Nicol said thoughtfully.

"So what if it is? Why the hell should we care!" Yzak said angrily.

"Come on Yzak, everyone has their reasons for being the way they are. And I'm absolutely sure Athrun really isn't the villain he seems to want everybody to believe he is."

"Oh, come on. Are you saying it's all an act?" Yzak snorted.

"I have a feeling Athrun even believes it himself."

"This is just semantics, the truth he acts like the biggest jerk alive and you say he himself thinks he is. Isn't that what being a jerk is?" Yzak crossed his arms and looked questioningly at Heine.

"Ah, but that is the heart of the matter, you see, Athrun doesn't think he's any good. A real jerk doesn't think of himself as a jerk."

"I'm not quite sure I'm following. But first of all, how can you be so sure that Athrun thinks like that?"

"I can't be totally sure of course but I'm willing to bet Athrun doesn't like himself. And if there is self awareness, it's possible to improve."

"I agree with Heine, I don't believe Athrun is really bad." Nicol said.

"Thank you Nicol, I knew you would see it my way." Heine looked happy.

"Hmpf!" Yzak just snorted at them.

"When Cagalli came to this school, it seemed like they were on really bad terms. But, I don't know if I'm the only one who noticed this, Athrun started changing, he began to loosen up a little and become a little less stiff. And now when she is gone, he's running amuck, worse than ever. I don't know what happened between them, but it's clear that Cagalli had a positive effect on Athrun."

"That is not to say it had a positive effect on Cagalli."

"You don't know that."

"It's obvious she left school."

"There might be another reason for that."

"What other reason could it be! You know how Athrun treats women!" Yzak argued.

"You haven't been listening have you? What I'm saying is that Cagalli is special to him."

"I kind of understand how he's feeling, but probably it's his own fault that things ended up this way." Dearka said.

"That isn't much comfort is it? Probably it only makes it feel worse."

"What goes around comes around."

"Like with you, you mean?" Heine asked sharply.

"…" Dearka didn't answer.

"I'm thinking that something must have happened between Athrun, Cagalli and Yamato, because after Cagalli disappeared Athrun and Yamato stopped talking to each other."

"How do you know that?"

"I have my sources. I've tried to talk to Yamato about it but he won't say anything. And I'm too afraid to ask anymore, frankly he can be quite scary." Heine seemed to shudder just at the thought of it.

"Tell again me why we are having this conversation?" Yzak asked.

"Because I want to help Athrun of course."

"Ok…"

"The problem is I don't seem to reach him. I try to cheer him up with hugs every morning but he only tries to avoid me. But that icy glare he gives me is so cute! Why, why doesn't it work!" Heine said and sniffled a little and dried a tear.

"Of course he tries to avoid you! If he wouldn't I would seriously questioning his sanity!" Yzak's face became deep red with indignation.

"As I thought, what we need is a woman's touch. If only Cagalli-cutie was here…" Heine pondered knitting his brows.

"But she isn't is she." Dearka pointed out acidly.

"Yeah, that's the problem… Please come back Cagalli-cutie!" Heine screamed out, the others just looked at him and sighed. Who knew when he was serious and when he just was making fun of them?

I

Who was Cagalli? Had he ever seen the real person? Had she ever showed him the real person? He had a feeling she had, fleeting moments when she was bare but he hadn't notice it then. Now thinking back he understood that it must've been the real Cagalli. She had shown him that, which she hadn't shown anyone else but he hadn't noticed. He had had the opportunity to make things right. But he did what was wrong.

I

I started notice things about you, I didn't want to but I couldn't help it, we were spending so much time together. How you were crying in your sleep for example. I didn't think it at first but we were similar you and I. You weren't honest, the happy exterior you showed to everyone was just a shell. Like a remaining fossil from a different time and a different you. Unexpectedly you turned out to be a skilful liar, perhaps better than me. I too was fooled from the beginning but nobody look at you as closely as I do so eventually I started to notice. I noticed that the thing that attracted me from the beginning really wasn't there but that didn't make me think differently about you. I guess we were clinging on to each other.

For as long as I can remember I never really liked myself, and I despised people who looked up to me. I even lied to my only friend. I lied to you. Now both of you are gone, I know Kira won't talk to me, and you, I don't know where you are.

It is true that you were only a game to me in the beginning, I was bored and I found you amusing, you were so full of resistance I thought it would be fun to make you crawl on your knees. Unlike me you seemed so full of life and I wanted to suck that out of you.

When I finally got my hands on you, that is were the calculations slipped perhaps, I started to desire you. I wanted you, you made me so excited I didn't know what to do. And that is where the jealousy began, I had never experienced it before and I did not know what to do with it, and I probably hurt you pretty badly in my confusion. I didn't even say I was sorry because I was so arrogant I didn't think I needed to. But you forgave me, every time. Maybe you saw it as a sign of affection, proof I loved you. But you were wrong, it wasn't love. It was only confusion and arrogance. I am sorry. I know I'm pathetic not being able to say it until now, when you are gone, now when it's too late.

Cagalli, when I think about you, it becomes clear to me that you and I aren't meant to be together. When I think about your smile, and about your tears, I realise they are wasted on me. I wasn't meant to be happy from the beginning, and more than anything I don't deserve it. That's why I realise that you can never have happiness with me, something I honestly from the core of my being want you to have.

You said you didn't need an answer and in the end I didn't give you one. When you told me you loved me it felt like I heard it for the first time and in a way it was, nobody had ever said that and truly meant it before. I felt a faint taste of happiness for the first time in my life and it made me afraid, I feared the pain of loosing it and the end that inevitably would come. For a brief moment, I told myself that maybe it work anyway but of course I was only fooling myself. And ironically the one who destroyed it was none other than me.

I wanted to say "I love you", I wanted to be able to show you it, I wanted to be able to comfort you when you where down, I wanted to be able to receive comfort from you when I was down, but I couldn't. People don't change so easily I suppose.

But I think you have a chance now that you are without me, you are far better off without me. I really wish you happiness, they are not just empty words I think. I'm sorry I hurt you.

Maybe this is what love really is? To be able to let go, if you know that it is the best for that person? Because honestly I didn't want to.

You gave me so much and I never gave anything back, so this is my first and final gift to you.

I love you

and goodbye.

You will never know it

but without you I will be lonely.

The next chapter will probably be the last, until then…