A/N: Welcome back. It has been way too long since this one-shot collection has gotten any attention. I woke up in a mood to write, and things led in a very dark direction that just did not fit with For Better Or Worse, so here we are. If you like angst, this may be for you. If angst is not your thing, I understand. Please read the trigger warning before continuing.
Xfinnsfreckles: Feel free to drop me a follow so you don't miss those update ;-) I've been working on For Better Or Worse a lot recently, which is my sequel to Tied Together With A Smile, so this collection has really kind of taken a backseat over the last several months. I really appreciate that you enjoy it though. One-shots are fun to write and a nice break from my bigger project to write a quick story. As for the teen pregnancy fic, there's a good chance that will be a future project of mine. We'll see!
SmilingSarahAZ: Thank you. I appreciate that. I really try to capture the emotions of any given situation realistically, so it's great to hear that you think I accomplished that!
FavStarngerthings: Thank you! I'm glad you liked it.
Shrike176: Thank you. I'm glad you liked that one. I have also read that story, and I'm so sad it was never finished. An unplanned teen pregnancy fic may be in the future plans. Always glad to hear your thoughts!
Nighting Ryder: Thanks! I think so too. It may be a future story.
Thewriternextdoor2021: Wouldn't it be cute to see some El and Holly interaction in S4?
Phieillydinyia: Good to know! And thank you. I'm glad you liked it.
Setting: Summer of 1989 after high school graduation. Mike is struggling with major depression.
Trigger warning: Depiction of mental health issues, specifically major depression. Talks of suicidal thoughts.
Disclaimer: I do not own Stranger Things or any of its characters.
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Mike could hear the phone ringing down the hallway, but he did not move to answer it. He was laying in his bed staring at the wall, wide awake with no motivation to move. He had gotten up earlier to throw an extra sheet over the curtains to help block the sun from shining in, keeping his room as dark as possible. Mike was sure it was a beautiful summer day outside, but he had no interest in finding out.
"Go outside and get some fresh air. It'll make you feel better," his mom had said one time when he was in one of his depressive states. "No one can be sad on such a beautiful day."
"What do you have to be sad about anyway?" his dad had chimed in. "You're eighteen years old with no real responsibilities. This is the best time of your life."
His dad had a point. Mike had just graduated high school with honors and was preparing to attend Notre Dame in the fall. He had friends who would have his back through anything, and he had the most loving, supportive girlfriend he could ever imagine. He had a good family that was financially stable enough that he never had to want for anything growing up. His parents had bought him a car two years ago. He never had to get a job during high school like Dustin and Will did. Outwardly, Mike knew he had a good life; a life many people his age wished they could have. Acknowledging that made him feel even worse. It was like he was ungrateful for the things he had, like he didn't deserve it, or like all these good things were being wasted on him.
He thought about trying to explain to his parents that it wasn't just sadness he was feeling. It was emptiness. It was worthlessness. It was like he was stuck inside a black hole that was draining the life from him. Like he was using all of his energy to keep his head above water, but he was drowning anyway. This wasn't being sad; this was being numb. There was no way Karen and Ted Wheeler would ever understand that.
They certainly had not understood last year when the high school guidance counselor suspected that Mike was suffering from major depressive disorder and recommended he see a therapist for treatment of clinical depression.
"He's just a moody teenager. He'll grow out of it," Ted had said to Karen right in front of him at dinner when Mike had told his parents what the guidance counselor said.
His parents' lack of understanding sucked, but it didn't come as a surprise to Mike. Luckily, his friends had all been supportive, as he knew they would be. They knew him better than his parents anyway, and they were always able to tell when Mike was getting into a bad place. He hated feeling like he was a burden to them, and he tried so hard and so often to push them away, but they always persisted. In fact, they each had their own ways of being there for him.
Lucas would bring his Atari upstairs to Mike's room and play him one-on-one, sometimes for hours without even speaking a word. Lucas never tried to pry or get Mike to talk about his depression. Will would show up to Mike's house with a drawing or painting inspired by one of Mike's favorite D&D campaigns that he had written. Dustin provided him with his favorite snacks and answers to any homework that Mike had not had the motivation to complete. Even Max did the best she could by telling jokes at the lunch table to try and make him laugh. Sometimes his friends would help him feel a little better, but other times they had no effect. Still, Mike knew how lucky he was to have them, and the fact that they even tried meant the world to him.
Then there was El. El was the person that Mike tried to hide it from the most when he was feeling bad, but she was also the first person to see through him. It had broken his heart to see the look on her face when he explained to her what the guidance counselor had said.
"So, you're depressed?" she had asked. "You're not happy anymore?"
"I mean, there are times when I feel happy. There are things that make me happy. I just… god, it's so hard to explain," Mike had said.
"Are you happy with me?" El had asked timidly.
Mike had looked into her big hazel eyes that were filled with the fear that he might actually say she didn't make him happy anymore, and he felt his heart shatter.
"Of course I am," he had replied, taking both of her hands in his. "El, it has nothing to do with you, nothing to do with us. It's… I'm not happy with myself."
"Why?" El had asked gently.
"Actually it's not… it's not so much a happiness thing as it is a… a…" Mike had struggled to find the words to explain it to her. "Like an emptiness or something. Like I can be here with you who I love more than anything in the world, but there's still something inside me that just makes me feel… just so shitty and worthless and… depressed."
"That doesn't make any sense," El had said, shaking her head.
"I know," Mike had agreed. "It doesn't. But it's the truth. I'm going to do my best to keep it from interfering with our relationship, but I just want you to know that it has nothing to do with you."
That day, El had gone to the library and done as much research as she could on what Mike had called major depression. She saw it referenced as 'clinical depression' and 'major depressive disorder' and determined that all three terms referred to the same thing. She read about it until the librarian had to ask her to leave for the night so they could close the library. If this was something that was impacting Mike's life, El wanted to understand it the best she could.
It was a struggle for El to accept that this was not something that she could make go away. But she did the best she could to be there for him. She would make sure he was eating, she would remind him of all the things she loved about him, she would shower him in kisses and cuddles, and she would just be there silently with him.
El's support for him blew Mike away, and he knew he never did anything to deserve such an amazing girlfriend. So, as Mike laid in his darkened room listening to the phone ring, knowing it was probably El who was calling to check on him, he felt guilt consume him. He should just get up and talk to her. Hearing her voice wouldn't cure his depression, but it would give him a momentary sigh of relief. Then again, he knew how much it still hurt her for him to be in his depressive states. He knew that even though she understood it better, she still felt bad for not being able to do more for him. Mike didn't want to bring El down today.
Eventually, the phone stopped ringing. Mike rolled onto his side and closed his eyes, hoping that if he laid like that long enough, he could make himself go to sleep.
Across town, El hung the phone back on the wall and looked at it with pursed lips. She knew Ted was at work, Karen was out to lunch and shopping with ladies from her book club, and Holly was at a friend's house. Mike would be home alone. There was no reason for him not to answer the phone.
She knew his depression was getting to him again. Yesterday, he had seemed off. After they left the movie theatre last night, Mike would barely talk, and he wouldn't look her in the eye. When he dropped her off and pulled out of the driveway, El had been left with a dreadful feeling in her stomach that things just weren't right.
El hated seeing him struggle like this. Mike had had ups and downs the whole time she had known him, and after her initial shock and lack of understanding of depression, she had viewed it as a positive that there was finally an explanation for the dark episodes that Mike would go through. She had been happy to learn that there were therapists who could provide different types of treatments, and she just knew that the right therapist could find something to make Mike feel better. El had been furious when Mike told her that his parents would not allow him to seek professional help.
She grabbed her purse from the counter and slung it over her shoulder and then hurried out the front door to her bike. If Mike wouldn't answer the phone, she would check on him in person. She didn't want him to be alone, and she didn't want him to push her away.
El peddled through town, and when she was just a few blocks from Mike's house, she stopped at a corner convenience store. She went inside, not entirely sure what she was even looking for, and browsed through the aisles. There was a section of greeting cards, and one in particular caught El's eye. On the front of the card was two koala bears. One koala was wearing a pink bow on her head and had its arms and legs wrapped around the other koala with a big smile on its face. El chuckled to herself as she thought of the first time Mike had told her she was like a koala bear because of how clingy she was but that he loved it. She opened the card and saw that it was blank inside so she could write whatever she wanted in it. Satisfied, El headed toward the register, but then the freezer section caught her attention. El grabbed a pint of rocky road ice cream and then carried it and the koala card to the register.
"Can I borrow this for a minute?" El asked, reaching for a pen laying near the register. The cashier nodded after finishing El's transaction.
El stepped to the side and thought for a moment before writing a note for Mike inside the card. Then she handed the pen back to the cashier and hurried back to her bike to ride the rest of the way to Mike's house.
When she arrived, El tried to open the front door, but it was locked. She knocked loudly and waited, hoping Mike would come answer the door. After a couple minutes of no luck, El sighed and trudged around the house to the basement door. She tried to open it, and it was also locked. El knelt down and grabbed the hidden key from underneath the rock next to the basement door and let herself in.
In his room, Mike had actually gotten himself to fall asleep. He did not hear El knock or enter the house. After putting the ice cream in the freezer in the kitchen, El walked upstairs to Mike's room. When she opened the door, she was surprised at how dark it was inside, given how bright the sun was shining. It took her eyes a moment to adjust, and then she quietly crossed the room toward his bed and laid the card on his desk.
El slipped off her shoes before lifting the blankets and crawling into bed next to Mike. She scooted in as closely as she could, resting her head comfortably under his chin so she could nuzzle into his chest. She placed Mike's arm around her and draped her own arm over his waist.
"El?" Mike asked huskily as he was pulled from his sleep. "W-what are you doing here?"
"You weren't answering the phone, so I wanted to come see that you were okay," El replied softly, looking up at him.
"You didn't have to do that," Mike whispered.
"I know," El smiled. "But I wanted to."
Mike hugged her tightly against him and then laid so silently that El thought he had fallen back asleep. When she looked up at him again, she was surprised to see that his eyes were still open, staring blankly ahead. She ran her fingers gently through his hair and trailed them down the side of his face to cup his cheek, and he looked down into her eyes.
"I'm sorry, El," he whispered.
"What are you sorry for?" El asked gently.
"All of this," Mike replied. "It's summer. It's the last summer before everyone goes their separate ways. You should be enjoying it, not stuck in here with me."
"I'm not stuck anywhere. I want to be with you," El said. "And I don't want you to be alone."
Mike kissed the top of her head, and El felt him take a deep shaky breath. She hated that he felt this way, and she wished more than anything that she could fix it.
"I love you," she reminded him softly. "I just wish there was more I could do for you."
For a long time, Mike did not respond. They laid peacefully in each other's arms, El listening to Mike's heartbeat while his fingers drew aimless circles on her back. El didn't know how long it was before Mike finally broke the silence.
"You know, you're literally the only reason I'm alive today," he said so quietly, El was not sure she heard him correctly.
"What?" she asked meekly, looking up at him again.
"I mean it. And not just because you saved my life when my dumb ass jumped off that cliff when we were twelve," Mike said. "You… you've saved my life so many times since then."
Mike shifted onto his back, pulling El closer into his side. She propped herself up on one elbow so she could see his face better as he spoke, but Mike didn't look at her. His eyes were fixed on the ceiling above them.
"I can't tell you how many times I've thought everything would be easier if I just… didn't exist," Mike started softly.
"How would that be easier for anybody?" El asked, linking her fingers with his and giving his hand a squeeze.
"It's just how I've felt for a long time… I've been bullied my whole life, El. Punched, tripped, kicked, laughed at, made fun of… for no reason. And at first I thought it was just some bullies being assholes, but when it never stopped, I started wondering what was wrong with me," Mike explained.
"Nothing's wrong with you, Mike," El said.
She brushed his hair away from his forehead with her fingers and tried to get him to look at her, but he stayed focused on the ceiling above them.
"It felt like there had to be something wrong with me. Bullies would target me, girls wouldn't look at me, I only had three friends. I never did anything to anyone, so I didn't know why everyone was just so shitty," Mike said. "And then my parents… I mean, I know they love me because I'm their son, but this house is just so… I don't even know how to describe it. My dad has never been interested, and my mom is there for me sometimes but I know she'd rather be drinking wine with her friends than listening to me. It's just… I never fit in at school, and I've always been a burden at home, so… what's even the point?"
"Mike, you are not a burden to anyone. And there is nothing wrong with you. Screw anyone who ever made you feel that way," El said before swallowing the lump that formed in her throat from listening to him. "Do you seriously think things would be easier without you? Do you realize how much you mean to me? How much I love you?"
"Yeah, I know," Mike whispered in a ragged breath, blinking back the tears that had formed in the corners of his eyes. "That's why I've never done it. Every time I think about how I would do it… how easy it would be to just swallow that whole bottle of painkillers or drive off the side of the road… I talk myself out of it because of you."
El was stunned. Her eyes quickly brimmed with tears, and she couldn't wipe them away before a few slipped out.
"Me?" she asked softly.
"Of course, you," Mike said, finally looking away from the ceiling to meet her eyes. "You're the best thing about my life. Sometimes it feels like you're the only good thing about my life. I love you more than I hate myself, and I could never put you through that type of pain."
"M-Mike-" El started to speak but her voice caught in her throat.
"So don't say you wish you could do more for me, El. You keep me here," Mike said.
El couldn't speak. She knew if she opened her mouth to try to form words, all that would escape would be the sob she was keeping trapped in her throat. Her body began to shake as she let the tears flow freely from her eyes.
"Come here," Mike said softly, pulling her tightly against him. "I'm sorry, babe. I didn't mean to make you cry."
El shook her head against his chest. She took several deep breaths to try and calm herself down enough to speak.
"D-don't be s-sorry," she managed. "I-I just… n-never knew you… f-felt like-"
"I know," Mike soothed her.
"Mike, you need to t-talk to somebody," El sniffled. "I'll force your parents to l-let you see someone. You c-can't keep feeling that way. I… I c-can't lose you."
"Baby, you can't force my parents-"
"Th-then I'll figure something else out," El interrupted. "I-I'll call the guidance counselor. I'll f-find a cheap therapist and g-give them every dollar I h-have, every dollar I can find."
"El-"
"No. You have to talk to somebody, Mike. Somebody that can really help you," El insisted, looking him straight in the eyes. "Promise me."
Mike's heart clenched as her gaze pleaded with him. He finally began to nod.
"I promise. I'll figure something out," he relented.
El nodded and relaxed against him. Her head was on his chest, and she was clinging to him as if she was afraid to ever let go. Mike kissed the top of her head and rubbed small circles on her back. She had almost forgotten about the things she brought with her, until Mike noticed something laying on his desk.
"What's that?" he asked, pointing toward the card.
El raised her head to look in the direction he was pointing.
"Oh," she remembered. "It's not much, but I brought you something to try and help you feel better."
She pushed herself off the bed and grabbed the card from the desk to hand it to Mike. He smiled slightly at the koalas on the front of the card before opening it to read the words she had written inside.
Mike-
I can't "bear" to see you sad (get it?).
I want you to always know how amazing you are and how much I love everything about you.
Your hugs and kisses, your laugh, your smile, how smart you are, how patient you've always been with me, the way you call me beautiful every day, the adventures we go on together, when you let me win at Pac-Man, when you sing to me in the car…
I could go on forever, but this card isn't long enough.
My point is, you're perfect and I love you so much.
Love,
El
Mike read the card three times before closing it and looking at El who was blushing slightly.
"I know, it's silly, but-"
Mike cut her off by pulling her into him and pressing his lips against hers. He felt her smile against his lips before she deepened the kiss, gently running her fingers through his hair. When they finally pulled back, Mike picked up the card again and swallowed hard to clear his throat.
"Thank you," he said.
"You're welcome," El smiled and then paused before adding, "I also brought ice cream."
"What kind?" Mike asked, perking up a bit.
"Rocky road," El replied. "Do you want me to bring it up here?"
"No, let's go downstairs," Mike said.
El took his hand, and they walked down to the kitchen to grab the pint of ice cream and two spoons. Then, they went to the basement and curled up together on the couch underneath a blanket. They pressed play on whatever movie was left in the VCR, not really caring what was on the screen as long as they were there together. It ended up being Footloose. They ate their ice cream and laid contentedly in each other's arms while the movie played. El started to feel her eyes become droopy, and she looked up to see Mike looking equally as tired.
"I love you," she said softly.
"I love you, too," Mike said. "Thank you for coming over today."
El smiled and squeezed him tightly before laying her head on his chest and closing her eyes. Mike watched as she drifted off to sleep on him. He still felt that darkness that was his depression trying to swallow him, but as he watched his girlfriend's peaceful face while she slept, he knew he could never give into it. He had promised her that he would get help, and to him, she was the best reason in the world to do it.
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A/N: I've personally battled with depression for the past eight years, and I know having someone you love is not a cure for it, as everyone with depression has someone they love whether it is a significant other, kids, or other family or friends. I hope you found this to be a realistic depiction of how depression would manifest in Mike's life, and even though having someone you love is not a cure, I believe Mike would view El as the one main reason to fight against depression. Please remember to leave a review with your thoughts. As always, thank you for reading, and stay safe and healthy!