A/N: Hi everyone. Wow, it has been over a year since I've written a one-shot. Guys, I'm not going to bore you with all the details of why my life has been so busy (except one, which is that I got engaged and have been busy wedding planning!). I will tell you that chapter 14 of For Better Or Worse is currently sitting in progress in a word document on my computer. Maybe I can get it out before volume 2 comes out?
Speaking of volume 2 – what did you all think of volume 1?! Well, if you're like me, you LOVED it, but were pretty disappointed on the Mileven front. Here's hoping volume 2 brings us what we all want and deserve.
SEASON FOUR SPOILERS BELOW. This one-shot contains spoilers from Season 4 of Stranger Things, so if you have not finished volume 1, please reconsider reading any further. Anyway, I tried something different with this one, and I hope you like it. Leave me a review and let me know!
MW1983: I'm so sorry you've struggled with depression. I've struggled with it myself for years as well. You're not alone! Don't apologize for sharing.
Depressed boiii: Cats are wonderful for that. I'm glad they help.
Shrike176: Thank you. I'm glad my depiction of depression was realistic for Mike. I honestly hadn't thought of continuing that arc, but it would certainly be something to explore.
Liya: Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I appreciate your words.
Arubagirl0926: Thank you.
Guest: That's an idea, for sure. I might have to see how the rest of season 4 plays out first though!
Disclaimer: I do not own Stranger Things or any of its characters.
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October 31, 1985
October 25
Dear Mike,
It is day number 21. It is hard to believe it has been three weeks since I left Hawkins. California is really far away. It was such a long drive. It took us three days to drive here. Have you ever been in a car for three days? It was very boring. All I could do was try to sleep, or listen to music. But after so many hours, the music would sound like how the tv sounds when the antenna needs adjusted, and Joyce would have to find another radio station. Joyce said some people take long car rides for fun, but I don't think I like them much.
Our new house is in a town called Lenora. I don't know if I like Lenora yet. The sun is a lot brighter here than Hawkins. And even though Halloween is coming up, it is still not cold here like it is back home. Joyce says it will not snow here. That makes me sad because I think snow is pretty. I have my own bedroom here, so I like that part. Will helped me decorate it to feel like it is my own space. I hung the poster you gave me above my bed, just like in my old bedroom in the cabin.
I miss you so much already, Mike. I wish I could have stayed in Hawkins with you or that you could have come to Lenora with us. But I know that is not possible. I have to start school on Monday. I will be a freshman at Lenora Hills High School. Will is in most of my classes with me. I think Joyce got them to do that on purpose somehow. Even so, I am nervous to start school. Nervous, but kind of excited. I hope I can do a good job in my classes and also make friends. But what if I am not smart enough? What if people do not like me? I just wish you were here.
I cannot wait for Thanksgiving because I will get to see you again. It is only 35 days away. I miss you.
Love,
El
Mike read the letter all the way through three times before laying it down on his bed. His heart ached when he thought of El two thousand miles away, scared of starting her first day of school. He wondered how it went. By now, she was finishing up her first week of high school. Thankfully, Will would be there to help her adapt.
He picked up El's letter and carried it with him to his desk to pen his reply. Mike pulled out a fresh sheet of paper and stared at it, feeling the words jumble around in his mind, and hoping they would get in order to form coherent sentences soon.
Dear El,
Happy Halloween! I know by the time you read this, it won't be Halloween anymore, but it is actually Halloween day today. Did you do anything fun for Halloween? The guys are coming over in a little bit, and we're going to watch a scary movie and order a pizza. I would so much rather be with you, though. I miss you a lot too, El.
I'm glad you're getting settled in at your new house. I have always wanted to go to California, and visiting you is the best reason to go. I can't wait for you to show me around your new house and town. That's really cool that Will helped you decorate. I bet it looks awesome. Joyce is right, you probably won't see snow there during the winter, but at least you won't slip on the ice. I swear I fall at least ten times every winter.
How was your first week of school? I know big changes like that can be scary, but I also know how amazing of a person you are. There's no way people won't see how incredible you are. I bet everyone will want to be friends with you. Just be yourself. I hope your classes are going well. You're really smart, El, and you've worked so hard to catch up on what you've missed so you could go to school. I have complete faith that you will do well in your classes. I wish I could be there to see how great you do, but I will have to settle for hearing all about it at Thanksgiving.
I miss you. I'll try to call one day next week, if my dad will let me. If I can't call, I'll be on the lookout for your next letter.
Mike hesitated. The lead of his pencil was frozen against the page. How should he sign this? El had signed hers 'love,' after all. He loves her, too. She knows that… she heard him say it. But he never actually got the chance to say it to her… 'Sincerely' would be too formal. He could just write his name. Mike sighed and let his hand move, deciding to go with whatever naturally came out.
From,
Mike
December 19, 1985
December 15
Dear Mike,
It is day number 72. Well, it is only day number 15 since I last saw you. I am so happy you were able to come for Thanksgiving. I loved seeing you again, even if it was only for three days. They were the best three days I have had since moving away from home. I have included one of my school pictures for you so you can have an updated picture of me. I love how long my hair is getting. Will and I missed "picture day" since we started school in October, so they had to have a camera man come in to take our pictures so we could be included in the "yearbook." When you were here for Thanksgiving, the school had not given us our developed pictures yet. I hope you like it.
Things are going okay here. School is not as scary as I thought it would be. People are talking to me more, especially this girl named Angela. I am getting better in my classes, too. I think I will like math the most. The thing that is the weirdest to me is being called Jane. I know that is what Mama wanted me to be called, but I prefer El.
Even though school is going well, I have been feeling sad recently. Joyce smiles at me when she can see that I'm sad, and she says she understands. Her smiles don't reach her eyes, and her eyes look as sad as my heart feels, so I know she really does understand. She says it is worse right now because Christmas is coming up. Last year was my first Christmas that I ever actually celebrated. Hopper and I decorated a cute little Christmas tree, we spent Christmas Eve night eating Eggos and watching Christmas movies, and he bought me so many presents. Plus, I got to see you.
I know Joyce is trying. Me, Joyce, Will, and Jonathan decorated a Christmas tree here as a family, and the house is so pretty with Christmas lights. But something just feels like it is missing. Hopper is missing. You are missing. Will it feel this way every year?
I am sad I can't see you on Christmas like we wanted. Joyce says she just cannot afford to buy airplane tickets for me and Will right now. So, my school picture will have to be enough of a Christmas present for now, but I wish I could also send you a big hug and kiss, because I miss hugging and kissing you.
Merry Christmas, Mike.
Love,
El
Mike smiled fondly at the school picture El had included with her letter. Her brown hair was easily two inches past her shoulders now. It had grown so much since he had met her, and he wanted nothing more than to be able to run his fingers through it. He fished a thumbtack out of one of his desk drawers and pinned El's picture to his bulletin board over his desk. Then he rummaged through to pull out one of his own school pictures that he had never given out, and he started his reply.
Dear El,
Thank you so much for the picture. Your hair is getting so long, and it is really pretty. YOU are really pretty. You're beautiful. And now I can see your face every day. It was the perfect Christmas present, but I agree, a big hug and kiss would be even better. I promise whenever I am able to see you next, I'm going to give you the biggest hug and kiss ever. I'm not going to want to let go. Somehow, I almost feel like I miss you more this time than when you first left back in October. Maybe because in October I was still in shock. Or maybe it's because I was able to see you for three short days over Thanksgiving and don't know when the next time will be. Check your school calendar and see what week you have spring break. Maybe my mom will let me come then?
I know you're missing Hopper, probably more than ever right now, and I'm so sorry you're feeling bad. I wish there was something I could do to fix it, but I'm glad you have Joyce there with you. You're right, she understands. Even if you don't want to talk about it, I know she would do whatever she could to try and make you feel even a little better. I know it seems like things are missing right now, and I honestly don't know if it will feel this way for you every year. I hope next year we can spend Christmas together again, and every year after that. Once we are able to be together on Christmas, maybe we can spend Christmas Eve eating Eggos and watching Christmas movies, just like you and Hopper did last year. We can make it our little tradition to honor him and keep his memory alive. If you want to, of course. If you want to keep that just between you and Hopper, I would understand. I just thought it could be a nice idea.
I'm glad school is going well. It will keep getting better and better as you adapt. Trust me.
Mike sighed as he read over his letter. He pursed his lips and looked at the desk drawer where El's Christmas present was being stored. He had planned on giving it to her when she and Will got here, but when El called last week in tears saying Joyce couldn't afford to let them come, Mike wasn't sure when he would get the chance to give it to her.
"It could fit in the envelope," he muttered to himself.
Mike laid his pencil down and pulled the drawer open. On top was a small ring box. He opened it and pulled out the thin gold ring. Mike had saved his allowance money and done any extra chore his mom would offer him so he could buy El something nice. He had bashfully asked Nancy to help him pick something out, and he had insisted on paying for it himself, even though Nancy had offered to lend him some extra cash. Sure, it would have allowed him to buy El something even nicer, but this way felt more authentic.
I wanted to give you your Christmas present in person, but I also don't want to wait. If you haven't already, open the white tissue inside this letter. This is called a promise ring. I even had it engraved on the inside to say E + M 11/7/83 because that's the first day we met. Basically a promise ring means that I care about you a whole lot… more than anybody else in the world. And I promise to keep caring about you and doing anything that I can for you. I hope you like it.
Oh, I hope you like my school picture I'm including, too. It's nowhere near as good as yours, but like I said, you're beautiful.
I miss you, El. I really hope you have a good Christmas this year. I'm going to call you Christmas morning, no matter what my dad says.
Merry Christmas, El.
From,
Mike
February 10, 1986
February 4
Dear Mike,
It is day 123. I am so happy Joyce and your mom said you can come visit for spring break! I am counting down the days until I can see you again.
Joyce isn't working at the pharmacy store anymore. She got "laid off" which seems like it means the same thing as "fired" because she isn't going to work or getting paid anymore, but Jonathan says it is different somehow. Jonathan has been spending less time at home and more time out with his friend Argyle. I think he is stressed about not hearing from college yet. Will is doing well. He says the art classes here in Lenora are way better than the ones back in Hawkins. How are Dustin and Lucas doing? I talk to Max sometimes. I really hope Will and I can come back and visit sometime soon so I can see everyone again.
Valentine's Day is coming up. This is our second Valentine's Day together, and we won't even be able to see each other. I hope you like the card I sent with this letter. I know it isn't much, but it is enough to say that I love you.
I also love the promise ring. I have worn it every single day since I opened it with your Christmas letter. I wish I could afford to buy you something nice, too. Someday I will.
I miss you so much, but at least I get to see you next month!
Love,
El
Mike read the third paragraph over and over until he lost count. I love you. She actually wrote the words. Shit.
Of course he loves her, too. It's just, he hadn't been able to work up the nerve to say those words to her when he visited over Thanksgiving, and since he had decided he really wanted to say it in person, writing it to her in a letter still didn't seem right. Surely, El would understand that when the time comes, right?
He set the letter down and opened the Valentine's Day card El had also included. She had not written anything additional to the poem printed on the card, but she had drawn several hearts and written E + M 11/7/83 to mirror what he had gotten engraved on her promise ring.
He had sent her a promise ring.
Of course El knew how he felt about her. Mike let out a sigh of relief. He grabbed the Valentine's Day card he had bought for her and quickly wrote inside.
Happy Valentine's Day, El.
-Mike
Then, he grabbed a fresh sheet of paper and began to write.
Dear El,
Happy Valentine's Day! Thank you for the card. I am pinning it up right next to your school picture.
I'm sorry to hear about Joyce's job. Jonathan is right; being laid off is different from being fired, but I won't bore you with explaining why. I hope Jonathan hears about college soon. Nancy is almost unbearable sometimes because she keeps obsessing over what it would mean for their relationship if they aren't able to go to the same school. I think she said Jonathan is coming here to see her the same week I'm going out to California to see you.
Speaking of, I cannot wait to see you. Start thinking about some things you'll want to do! I don't know how warm it will be in March, but maybe we could go to the beach one day. It would be both of our first time seeing the ocean, so that would be a cool thing to do together. I also want to see some of your favorite places to go and hang out. Maybe if there's an arcade nearby, you can kick my butt at PacMan. No matter what we do, I know we'll have a blast.
Everyone here is doing fine. Lucas is on the basketball team, so we see him a bit less now. Dustin and I hang out a lot, though. I'm glad Max talks to you, because she doesn't really talk to anyone else very much. I'm sure she's probably still processing a lot of things, but her pushing Lucas away is hard on him. It's not a secret that Max and I were never exactly close, but I obviously don't want bad things for her either. So, I'm glad that you're still there for her as her best friend.
I want you to know I'm proud of you for how well you're adapting to your new life and school out there. Not everyone could do it, and it shows how strong you are. You are seriously the most incredible person I know, and I miss you so so much. I can't wait to see you again.
From,
Mike
March 21, 1986
Dear Mike,
Today is day 185, but it feels more like 10 years! Joyce says time has a funny way. Emotions can either speed up or slow down. We're all time travelers when you think about it. For example, this week is going very fast. I think because I am so busy. I have to make something called a "visual aide." I hope Mrs. Grayson will give me an A.
Some exciting news. Joyce got an amazing new job. She gets to work from home! She says she loves the freedom. Will is painting, but he won't show me what he's working on. Maybe it's for a girl. I think there's someone he likes. He has been acting… weird. Jonathan is acting weird also. I think he's just nervous about college. He's still waiting for his big letter. I hope he and Nancy get to go together. But I don't know how he'll ever get to college because his car is broken. Lately Argyle has been taking us to school. His hair is longer than mine and him and Jonathan like to smoke plants together. Jonathan says the plants are super safe and that they come from the earth and not to tell Joyce. Me? I am twice as happy now. You were right, it just takes time. I think I have finally adapted.
At first, I missed all the spring flowers, but now I find it pretty here too. I even like school now. I am still best at math, and my grammar is getting better. I'm happy everyone is so nice here. I have made lots of friends. Even so, I am ready for spring break. Mostly because I get to see you. I am so excited to see you, it is hard to breathe! Are you excited too? I think you will love it here like me. I think we will have the best spring break ever! I hope I see you very soon. Miss you!
Love,
El
March 22, 1986
Mike was leaning against the window of the airplane, El's most recent letter open on his lap. He had only gotten the chance to read it once yesterday before Nancy had burst in and demanded he finish getting ready for school. Normally he can read El's letter through a couple times and figure out what he wants to say. Of course, he will be seeing her in just a few hours, so it's not like he needed to figure out a response right now.
Although, there were a few things in El's letter that he found strange. She had started the letter by saying it was day 185… Mike had realized that was impossible. That number jump was way too big from her last letter. He had opened up his calendar and figured out 185 days from when El moved away will actually be his birthday, April 7. A smile had instantly crossed his face when he realized that meant El probably had a separate count going for his birthday and just mixed the days up.
He also noticed the change in how she talked about school and friends. Before, she was saying that school was okay and people were starting to talk to her, and now she absolutely loves it and has a lot of friends? He hoped it was all true, but as much as he tried to ignore it, Mike felt a small pit in his stomach making him wonder whether El was exaggerating or trying to convince him or overcompensate for something… He shook his head. El wouldn't lie to him. He was overanalyzing a letter 30,000 feet in the air after waking up at 4am to catch his 6:30am flight. Everything was fine.
He and El were going to have an amazing spring break. They would do everything she wanted to do. Most importantly, he would finally tell her he loves her, in person. Mike tucked the letter back into his backpack and rested his head against the window. This was going to be the best spring break ever, just like El had said.
March 23, 1986
Mike sat at the kitchen table, forcing himself to eat some of his breakfast, though it was the last thing he cared about doing. How was last night not a dream? How was spring break derailed so damn quickly? He couldn't have even had twenty-four hours of happiness with his girlfriend before that stupid bully had to ruin it?
Bully.
Mike's stomach sank as it really sank in that El had been bullied since October. The last five months, she had been telling him things were getting better, she was really liking this place, she was making friends… her last letter to him in particular was trying to oversell that idea. Mike could see that now.
He mumbled a response to Jonathan and Will about some movie that was playing before he looked over at El's Eggos he had prepared. El was supposed to come downstairs, and they were supposed to move forward. But he hadn't seen her since she stormed away from the dinner table last night. Why had he been so passive aggressive toward her?
That's it. He had to talk to her. Mike picked up El's plate and headed to her bedroom to fix this. He peeked inside to see her painting something he couldn't quite make out. Mike entered the room, reaching behind him to make sure he left the door open three inches. He placed the plate of Eggos next to her and tried to open conversation about what she was painting, to no avail.
"So, um, are we just not gonna talk about it?" Mike asked awkwardly.
"About what?" El asked, not looking up from her desk.
"I don't know, just maybe, like, about yesterday, or… everything," Mike replied with a shrug.
Keep it casual, he told himself. He didn't want El to feel like he was attacking her.
"There's nothing to say," El said in that same, defeated voice.
Mike's heart ached at the lack of emotion in his girlfriend's voice. He wished she would turn around and look at him.
"Yeah, I guess um… I guess I'm just a little, uh… Guess I just don't really understand," he admitted. "Why didn't you tell me what's going on here?"
Still nothing. El would not look at him.
"I mean, you know I'm not exactly Mr. Popularity back at home. I mean, you've seen it. I've been bullied my entire life," Mike reminded her gently. "I mean I… I know what it's like."
"No. You don't," El said firmly. Mike furrowed his brow in confusion but hoped he could encourage her to elaborate.
"Okay. What don't I understand?" he asked.
El was silent for a moment, and Mike studied her profile, wishing she would turn to look at him. He wanted to understand. He wanted her to let him in and let him see what she was feeling.
"I am different," El finally said. "I do not belong."
"You mean… in Lenora?" Mike asked.
El finally put down her paint and turned to face him, and in that moment, Mike was stunned by the emptiness in her eyes.
"Anywhere," she said after a long pause.
Mike felt his stomach sink at the sound of emotion creeping into her voice.
"Come on, you… you can't actually believe that," he said.
"Everyone looks at me like… like I'm a monster," El explained, her voice just above a whisper.
"Well, they just don't know you," Mike offered.
"You think I'm a monster, too," El continued, her voice so thick from the lump that had formed in her throat.
Mike felt chills run down his spine, and his heart ached with guilt that he made her feel that way.
"What?" was all he could say.
"Yesterday… the way you looked at me," El said firmly. "Y-you were scared of me."
"No," Mike said immediately. "No, no, that's not… that's not true."
He saw El's eyes pleading with him to prove it to her. To prove to her that he didn't think she was a monster.
"I was surprised. Maybe I was a little upset in the moment, but I mean… I'm sorry. I just… I didn't know what to do. I mean, it just was so crazy. It happened so fast," Mike knew he was rambling and had to get himself back on track. He had to reassure her of how he felt. "But it doesn't change anything. It doesn't matter."
Mike saw a glimmer of hope in El's eyes when he said it doesn't change anything. He knew she understood what he meant… that she was still the same girl to him and that she was still the thing he cared about more than anything else in the world. Nothing could change that.
Tell her that, he thought to himself.
He was going to. Mike felt his palms become clammy, and he took a breath, ready to finally admit it to her and prove to her how he felt.
"I… I care for you-" Mike sighed, scolding himself for blowing it as he squeezed his fist closed. "So much."
He saw El's entire face fall. Now more than ever, Mike wished he could rewind time and replace the word 'care' with how he really felt. El needed to hear it. And he let her down.
"Care," El repeated. "But you don't… you don't love me anymore?"
The world came to a screeching halt, and Mike felt like he had been punched in the stomach.
"What… who… who said that I didn't?" he asked.
His mind was racing, trying to think of a way to save this conversation… a way to come back from the hole he was digging.
"You never say it," El croaked, and the pain in her voice broke him.
She really believed that. El really believed that he didn't love her anymore. How could he have let her think that? How could she let herself think that? Didn't he write her close to a hundred letters since October? Didn't he call her every chance he could? Didn't he send her a promise ring for Christmas? Pick her wildflowers in her favorite colors because she said she missed seeing them?
"I say it," Mike said firmly.
"You can't even write it, Mike," El said, finally standing up.
Mike looked up at her, but before he could say anything, El reached over and grabbed a stack of the letters he had written her.
"From Mike," she read and tossed the letter aside. "From Mike… From Mike."
Mike looked away as El tossed letter after letter to the side.
"From Mike. From, from," she was escalating. Her voice finally broke as she threw the last of Mike's letters onto the floor.
"Okay, okay, Eleven, you're being ridiculous," Mike interjected, reaching up to stop her. "What, like… what is this? Y-you know what I think of you. You're the most incredible person in the world. And you can't let these mouthbreathers ruin you… ruin us."
He gestured from himself to her, desperately trying to suppress the panic he was feeling as he saw himself losing El right in front of his eyes.
"I mean, they're nobodies. They're nobodies," Mike said firmly, not breaking eye contact with her for a second. "And you're a superhero."
El held his gaze for several moments before looking at the floor.
"Not anymore," she said.
Mike gaped at her. He didn't know what to say. Why couldn't he back up and start this whole conversation again? He should have come in here, apologized for anything he needed to apologize for to make her feel better, and tell her how he truly felt. Why was it so hard? He knew he loved her. He knew it. But it hurt like hell that she didn't know it.
El sniffed and looked toward the window. Mike stood from the bed and reached out to her, opening his mouth to say something, anything that he hoped could salvage the mess he'd made.
But then, there was a knock on the front door. They both turned their heads toward El's bedroom door to listen.
"Jane Hopper." They heard the unmistakable sound of her name – well, her Lenora name – being said by what sounded like a man with authority. El looked back at Mike, and for a moment, he saw the scared little girl in her eyes before she concealed it.
"I should see what's going on," she said quietly.
"El, wait-" Mike started, but El turned and walked away from him and out of her bedroom.
Mike followed, and the next several minutes passed in a blur. He heard the word "arrest" and heard them say a bunch of bullshit about an incident at the skating rink. Mike felt his stomach drop all the way to the floor as he stood helplessly and watched the police officers put El in handcuffs and lead her away from him.
March 24, 1986
Mike strode upstairs and turned in to the first doorway he came to, closing the door behind him. He was holding a letter from El in his hands that those people downstairs had given him… those people that he is supposed to believe are good. He opened the envelope and pulled out a single white sheet of paper. When he opened it, he saw the letter was short.
Dear Mike,
I have gone to become a superhero again.
From,
El
No. The world was spinning. She can't be gone. Not again. Not without saying goodbye. Not without him telling her to be careful, or insisting on going with her. El would have had Owens bring her back here first so she could tell him, Jonathan, and Will where she would be… so they would know she would be safe. This couldn't be happening. He could not be losing her again. He could not let yesterday's fight be the last thing they said to each other in…God knows how long, but possibly months.
Mike looked at the note again. He mouthed the words 'From El,' and he felt his heart clench in his chest.
"Son of a bitch," he muttered, falling backward on the bed and letting out a growl of frustration.
March 26, 1986
Mike was laying on his back, his arm folded underneath his head as he stared at the ceiling of Argyle's van. The excitement that had filled the van when they initially left Suzie's house had since died out, and exhaustion had begun to set in. Across from him, Will was sitting and staring out the window, watching the darkening horizon as they drove toward whatever awaited them in Nevada. In the front seats, Jonathan and Argyle would occasionally pass a joint back and forth. Jonathan assured him and Will that it was just enough to keep Argyle calm and functioning, and that he was still okay to drive.
Mike found a single spot on the van's ceiling to stare at while his mind replayed everything that had happened since he landed in California. None of this was supposed to happen. He should have stood up for her quicker at the skating rink. He should have been more supportive right away instead of blaming her for how she reacted to being publicly humiliated. He shouldn't be chasing her down to make sure she's okay. And, damn it, he should have told her how he truly feels about her.
"You're going to see her again," Will had said. Mike knew he was right. The second he saw El again, he would pull her into his arms and tell her everything she means to him and how much he loves her.
Wouldn't he?
Mike sighed heavily, and Will looked over at him.
"You okay?" Will asked.
Mike glanced over and saw the concern written on his best friend's face. There was no point in trying to lie.
"I'm scared for when I see El again," Mike admitted.
"Scared?" Will repeated, furrowing his brow in confusion.
"Yeah, like… there are certain things that I want to say to her and that I need to explain to her," Mike said. "But… I don't know, I'm scared that when she's actually in front of me again, I'm going to completely lose my train of thought and just start rambling like an idiot, and she still won't hear what I need to say."
Will nodded sympathetically and glanced at his backpack.
"Well, you could write it down," he suggested, and Mike's eyebrows raised in interest.
"That's not a bad idea," he said. "Do you have paper with you?"
"Yeah," Will nodded as he reached over and pulled his backpack into his lap. His backpack was the one bag that made it out of the house with them during the shoot out.
"Thanks," Mike said, taking the notebook and pencil Will offered him.
"No problem," Will smiled before looking away to watch out the window again and give Mike privacy with his thoughts.
Mike stared at the page like he had stared at so many blank pages before. This letter was different. This one would be the most important, and he knew it. He did his best to tune everything else out and write from his heart.
Dear El,
I don't even know how to begin. There are so many things I want to say to you. Most importantly, I hope you're okay. I don't think I could live with myself if anything bad happened to you, especially after I was such a jerk to you the last time we saw each other.
El, I'm so sorry for everything. I know I shouldn't have reacted the way I did at Rink-O-Mania, but I just didn't know what to do. I had just found out the truth about Angela and her stupid friends, and I was just frozen. Thinking about you being bullied all those months and telling me everything was okay… it was hell setting in and realizing the truth. I know I don't know exactly what you've been through, but I do know what it's like to be bullied, and it just broke my heart to picture you feeling that way. I wish you would've told me the truth sooner. But it doesn't matter. None of it matters. I just want you to know that I'm on your side. I'm always going to be on your side, no matter what.
I'm also sorry for the fight in your room. I don't think it's a secret that I'm not always the most articulate person when it comes to sharing my feelings. At least, not verbally. El, when I told you "I say it," I meant I say it my own way… I do my best every day to show you what you mean to me. Writing you letters, calling you as much as I can, buying you presents, picking you flowers… There's nobody else in the world I would have hid in my basement or called every night for 353 days. It's only you.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I suck at expressing myself through words… at least with that topic. I don't know, maybe it's because I grew up with two parents who basically only tolerated each other. It's not exactly like I heard those three words on a routine basis or anything. But I want that to be different for us.
I love you, El. I love you, and I hope the second I see you I will say that to your face. But please, if I don't, please understand it has nothing to do with you. It's my fault. I'm going to do my best to become more comfortable expressing my feelings. I swear, I'll try as hard as I can to become what you need me to be in this relationship. Just know that it might take time. It doesn't mean that I don't feel it, because I do. I've never felt this way in my life, and I think maybe that scares me. YOU don't scare me… but the idea of loving someone – of loving you – so much and just not knowing what could happen or if I'll ever lose you again… It's a lot, El, and we're still so young, and it's scary that I'm already so sure about my feelings for you. God, I can tell I'm rambling… even in a letter, I'm rambling.
If there are two things I want you to take from this letter, it is that I'm sorry for everything, and I love you.
Please, please be safe, wherever you are. I'm going to find you, and I'm going to make all of this right again. I promise.
Love,
Mike
P.S. With or without your powers, you were always a superhero to me.
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A/N: I hope you guys enjoyed this one. Let's all try and manifest a happy reunion (and some actual screentime) for Mileven in volume 2! Please leave me a review and let me know what you think :)