Rotbart's Worst Nightmare

Rotbart found himself walking through a meadow on a sunny spring day, the kind of day that made most bad guys want to hurl. Usually, Rotbart didn't have a problem with spring and the beauty of nature, but there was something about this particular day that made his skin crawl. The sky was too blue, the grass was too green, and Rotbart could swear that the bees were humming a cherry little tune.

"Rotty! ROTTY!" Rotbart could see Raven running towards him. She was wearing a lavender dress with huge, puffy sleeves that didn't suit her at all. He opened his mouth to tease her about it, but she cut him off:

"Come on! You're going to be late!" She chastised. And she grabbed his hand and dragged him across the meadow.

Rotbart tried to ask her where they were going, and what he was late for, but all she would say was: "HURRY!"

At last they came a humongous cathedral at the edge of the meadow. Rotbart wondered what a church this size was doing all the way out here and why Raven had brought him here. He never went to church.

The cathedral's large, white doors creaked open a crack.

"Good luck!" Raven said. And she pushed him in.

There were even more flowers inside the church then there were in the meadow. And the place was crammed with people, all dressed in finery, and all staring at him. Rotbart just stood there for what felt like ages, wondering what the hell was going on...

"Come forward." The priest commanded. Rotbart shrugged and did as he asked. It seemed like the only thing to do.

The minute Rotbart set foot on the alter, the Bridal Chorus blared from the organ. The front doors swung open to reveal a long line of girls in puffy, pastel dresses, including Raven. They all carried bouquets and marched down the aisle with cheesy, plastered smiles on their faces like showgirls.

The last girl was dressed in white and wearing the biggest, puffiest dress of all. The veil attached to her diamond tiara completely covered her face. Everyone stood up when she walked in, but Rotbart suddenly felt like he needed to sit down. He had a BAD feeling about this...

The unmistakable bride sidled next to him. The priest opened his homily with the words:

"Dearly Beloved, we here to witness the joining of hearts between Rotbart Von Scharz and Princess Apple White.

"WHAT?!" Rotbart shouted in disbelief. This couldn't be happening! There was no WAY this could happen! He found himself ripping off the bride's veil. And there was Apple's face, frowning at him.

"You're supposed to wait until it's time for the kiss!" She hissed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Rotbart woke up with a scream that reverberated throughout the entire Rat King castle. Rotbart could hear several of Ratty's relatives squeaking in confusion and annoyance outside his room.

"I say, what's going on?"

"What's that dreadful racket?"

"Ratty, will you please tell your friend to be quiet?!" Ratty's younger cousin whined. "He's ruining my beauty sleep!"

"Oh don't get your tail in a twist, Mouscedes!" Ratty's voice growled. At that point, the future Rat King entered Rotbart's guest room and shut the door behind him.

"Not sleeping well, old sport?" Ratty asked dryly.

Rotbart groaned. "Hardly. I just had the worst dream ever!"

Ratty nodded thoughtfully. "Yes. Pepperjack and sugarplums before bed will do that to you. What WAS it?"

"I dreamed I was marrying Apple-fucking-White!" Rotbart said with a shudder.

Ratty cringed in sympathy. He had heard all about EAH's queen bee. "I don't even want to know what you ate!"

Rotbart fell back onto his pillows with a sigh of relief. "Thank godmother THAT won't happen!" He said.

"Say, as long you're up, want to go coat the neighbors' doorsteps with molasses?" Ratty asked.

"Sure." Rotbart replied. He was up for anything as long as it would take his mind off of that doozy of a nightmare.

At least Rotbart could rest easy knowing that that little scenario would never ever come true in a million ever afters.

Even if Apple White did have an attractive dark side. Sort of.