Hot and Crazy?

After Rotbart and Apple picked a table near the fireplace, Kelly came by with a drink for Rotbart, a menu for Apple, and a basket of fried green beans.

"What are you drinking?" Apple asked, once Kelly left.

"A Blue Violet." Rotbart replied.

Apple eyed the seemingly-innocent glass of purple liquid and blue ice cubes suspiciously. "What's that?"

"Blueberry vodka, blue-orange liqueur, raspberry schnapps,and white cranberry juice. Wanna taste?" Rotbart offered his glass with a wicked smile.

Apple stiffened. "I think not!" She said primly. Rotbart simply shrugged, smirked, and sipped his drink. Apple turned her attention to the green beans. "Is this what I think it is?" She asked in disgust.

"What do you think it is?" Rotbart quipped.

Apple wrinkled her nose. "Who fries GREEN BEANS?!"

"Leprechauns. Go on, try it."

"No, thank you." Apple said snootily as she pushed the basket away.

Just then, Kelly walked towards them with a teeny-tiny leprechaun boy bouncing at his heels.

"Someone just had to say 'hello.'" He chuckled. The little leprechaun boy immediately latched onto Rotbart's boot.

"Rotbart-Rotbart-ROTBART!" He said excitedly.

"Erm...Hello Kevin..." Rotbart said with an embarrassed glance at Apple as he tousled the little boy's hair. This was NOT helping his villainous image.

"Rotbart, guess what?! I grew a WHOLE inch last week!" Kevin said excitedly.

"Did you now?" Rotbart asked.

"Yep! And someday, I'll be as big as you!" Kevin said proudly.

Kelly chuckled. "You've got a long way to go, m'boyo!"

Kevin suddenly noticed Apple and stared at her. "Rotbart, that's not your sister!" He said in surprise.

"No kidding?" Rotbart said with a good-natured smirk. "This is Annie. Annie, Kevin."

"Hello!" Apple said to the little boy. Kevin stared at Apple in awe.

"You're really pretty!" He said enthusiastically.

Apple smiled in delight. "Why thank you!" She said. Leprechauns have very good taste, she thought to herself.

Kevin noticed that Apple wasn't touching the green beans. "Aren'tcha gonna eat your beans?" He asked.

"Annie here doesn't like eating her vegetables." Rotbart teased. "That's why she's so short." Apple glared at him.

"You've got to eat your veg!" Kevin said with the authority of a five year old. "And the way Mammy makes them is sooooo good! Try it Annie!" He held out a bean for Apple.

Apple may have been able to refuse fried green beans, but there was no way she could refuse an adorable little boy like Kevin. The bean went into Apple's mouth. And Apple's face brightened.

"Mmmmm! This IS good!" She declared.

"Try it with the sauce; it's even better!" Kevin said as he reached for a fistful himself.

"Oh no you don't boyo, no snacks dis close to bedtime." Kelly said as he made Kevin put the beans back. "Your Ma would have me head."

"But DA..." Kevin whined.

"Butts are for pooping. Now off ta bed wit you." Kelly said firmly. Kevin scowled at his father briefly before hugging Rotbart's boot again, waving goodbye to Apple, and scampering back into the kitchen. "So, what'll be your poison, Miss Annie?"

Apple's eyes grew wide. "But I'm not supposed to be poisoned yet!" She protested.

Kelly stared at Apple in confusion. Rotbart quickly jumped in: "What she means is: do you have any nonalcoholic beverages?"

Kelly's expression quickly turned from confused to disgusted. "What kind of beverage is that?!"

"The kind the lady wants, Kelly." Rotbart said with a tone to his voice that would have made anybody else think twice about arguing. But Mike Kelly was nothing if not stubborn.

"But it's...it's..." Kelly sputtered as he tried to find the right words.

"It's what?" Rotbart gave Kelly a hard look.

"It's unnatural, that's what it is!" Kelly declared. "A drink without liquor is like, like...a song wit no tune, a dance wit no steps, a rainbow wit no end, a pot wit NO GOLD..."

"Kelly." Rotbart interrupted. "A word?" Rotbart stood up and took Kelly away from the table and out of Apple's hearing range.

Rotbart didn't mince words: "Kelly. You do NOT want to see that girl drunk."

Kelly scoffed. "What? A sweet little feek like her?"

"Sweet isn't the word I'd use..." Rotbart muttered. "And trust me: if she touches alcohol, she'll make Harry Puff look tame!"

Kelly's eyes grew wide in surprise and horror as he recalled the time the big bad wolf of three little pigs fame trashed his beloved bar last spring. "You're kidding." He said weakly.

Rotbart shook his head. "You know how women are; the hotter they are, the crazier they are. Do you really want to risk making this very hot and very crazy girl drunk?" Rotbart asked Kelly. In his own mind he asked himself: Did I just call Apple White HOT?

Kelly sighed. "Don't I know it, boyo. I'll see what I can do." The two of them returned to Apple.

"Ahem. So what drink WOULD strike your fancy, Miss Annie?" Kelly asked. Apple pursued the menu.

"Can I get a Apple-disiac, please?" She asked. "Without the alchohol?"

Kelly gave her a strained smile. "Sure ting...one...virgin Apple-disiac coming right up!" And he walked off quietly muttering: "Sober...who wants to be sober? You know what 'SOBER' stands for? I'll tell ya what it stands for: it stands for 'Son Of a Bitch, Everything's Real'...fuck sober..."

Apple looked back at Rotbart worriedly. "Oh dear, did I offend him?" She asked.

"Nah, Kelly just takes drinking very, VERY seriously...but don't worry, he'll mix it up right." Rotbart replied.

Meanwhile, with much grumbling, Kelly got the ingredients together for Apple's virgin Apple-disiac. But then he decided to add one little extra ingredient.

"Just cos' your lovely bird won't taste liquor, doesn't mean you can't taste her lips boyo." He said quietly as he pulled out a bottle of love potion number five. It wasn't nearly as overwhelming as love potion number nine, but it was definitely enough to get a young lady in a flirtatious mood. To Kelly, this evening had "first date" written all over it and he wanted it to go well for Rotbart.

"HEY, KELLY!" Somebody yelled from the kitchen. "Someone threw overalls in the chowder again!"

"Fuck!" Kelly cursed. He turned to his assistant at the bar. "Murphy, take over!" And he dashed off to the kitchen.

Murphy looked over at the drink order Kelly had scrawled. "Virgin?!" He said incredulously. "That can't be right! The boss must be hitting the whiskey too early."

So Murphy got out the ingredients for a regular, alcoholic Apple-disiac and mixed it up.

And decided to add TWO drops of love potion number five for good measure.