Love Plus Liquor Equals Trouble

Rotbart dropped Kelly on the floor of the restroom and slammed the door. "WHAT THE FUCK'S GOING ON?!" He demanded.

Kelly wasn't one to scare easily and he simply looked nonchalant. "Why, whatever do you mean, boyo?" He asked innocently.

"Don't 'boyo' me, what did you put in that drink?!"

"What drink?"

"Ap-" Rotbart caught himself just in time. "Annie's! What's in it?!"

"I don't know what you're talking about." The leprechaun said cagily.

"Cut the crap Kelly; I know you spiked it!"

"'Spike' is such a strong word, it sounds like it's a bad thing..."

"So you DID!" Rotbart said accusingly "Tell me what's in there or godmother help me, I'll swan the whole place!" He threatened as he held up a glowing blue fist.

Kelly sighed as if he were mildly annoyed, rather than scared by Rotbart's show of power. "All right, you got me; should have known I couldn't have pulled one over you, y'young Rogue. I just put in one teensy weensy wee drop o' love potion.."

"LOVE POTION?!" Rotbart bust out in horror.

"Number #5." Kelly finished. "Just enough to get your lovely bird in the mood. If you know what I mean." He grinned.

"SHE'S NOT MY BIRD!" Rotbart shouted.

"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight..." Kelly drawled.

"She's NOT!"

"Sure she isn't..."

"She HATES me, and I hate her!"

"Do you take every bird you hate out for drinks?"

"No, but...it's a long story."

"Most love stories are."

"This is NOT a love story!"

"Me tinks the man doth protest too much..." Kelly teased.

"Me thinks the leprechaun should butt the fuck out!" Rotbart retorted.

Kelly looked at him with fatherly concern. "Oh come on, Rotbart, you spend far too much time alone for a good-looking lad such as yourself. It was such a disappointment when the last bird you brought in turned out to be your sister. And you could do far worse than this one..."

"No, I couldn't!" Rotbart said firmly. No match could be worse for him than Apple White.

As if on cue, Apple started pounding on the restroom door and calling: "Where are you my sweet Roboo?!"

"I am NOT your sweet Roboo!" Rotbart yelled back.

"ROBOOoooooo!" Apple practically howled. "I need you to take me NOW!"

Kelly suddenly frowned. "That's strange..." he muttered, as Apple kept cooing and banging on the door.

Rotbart turned back to him. "What is?" He asked.

"That potion shouldn't have been THAT strong...it was only a number five. And only one drop." Kelly explained.

"Was it only supposed to be one drop?" A voice asked from the far cubicle. The toilet flushed and out came Kelly's assistant Murphy.

Now it was Kelly's turn to look horrified. "You mean you put in more than ONE?!" Murphy nodded nervously. "You eejit!" Kelly shouted. "You can't add more than one drop o' that stuff! How many WAS in there?!"

"Just two." Murphy said sheepishly.

Kelly's face turned red from rage. "TWO?! TWO?!"

"What's so bad about that?" Murphy asked.

"Two drops of Love Potion #5 makes TEN, you fool!" Kelly yelled.

"TEN?!" Rotbart repeated in horror. Ten was even more potent than the infamous Love Potion #9!

"Jayses, no wonder the girl's goin' off her nut!" Kelly exclaimed. "Good ting she didn't have any booze, or you'd REALLY be fucked!" He told Rotbart.

"You mean that wasn't a mistake?!" Murphy interjected in surprise. Rotbart and Kelly stared at him.

"What wasn't?" Kelly asked dangerously.

"I mean, we don't really DO virgin drinks...right? I thought it was a mistake..." Murphy said nervously.

Kelly exploded. "YOU'RE THE MISTAKE, MURPHY! You've done it all arseways, you wanking fuckshite!"

"Sweet Roboo, sweet Roboooooooooo...let me in!" Apple said wheedlingly from outside. "And then I'll let YOU in..." She added with a lecherous giggle.

Rotbart groaned. "How do we fix this?!" He asked as he held his head in his hands.

Kelly looked worried. "I don't know." He admitted.

"You don't KNOW?!" Rotbart said incredulously.

Kelly huffed. "Love potions and alcohol aren't supposed to be mixed..."

"Then why do you have them both?!" Rotbart snapped.

Kelly glared at him. "WHEN the love potion count is above FIVE." He finished testily. "Anything lower than six would be fine, but once you hit six, things get a little bit...well...lusty..."

"Oh my sweet Roboo...how my loins hunger for you!" Apple exclaimed outside.

"No shit." Rotbart said dryly. "So you're saying there's NO way to fix this?!"

Kelly was interrupted by another female voice that came from outside the men's room:

"Michael. Can I see you for a minute?"

Suddenly Kelly looked like a kid with his hand caught in the cookie jar. "Oh no..." He said under his breath as he headed for the bathroom door. He opened it a crack, and through that crack Rotbart could see Kelly's wife frowning at them.

"Hello m'flower." Kelly said weakly.

Mag's frowned deepened. "Michael." She said. "Would you care to explain why we have a drunk, lovesick princess here?"