EDsassination #5: The EDs is Bitchin'
(The Eds Dorm Room)
The dorm complex that the Eds stayed at wasn't the biggest, nor was it the smallest. The reason they stayed there was because as transfer students, it was assigned to them. It mostly consisted of a large area with a small kitchen area, a table for eating, a sofa, a tea table in front of it, and a TV. There were also four small bedrooms for each of the boys. In one of these rooms was Edric, sleeping in his bed while wearing a Gintama T-shirt and boxers. He laughed as he dreamed.
"Hells Fakinaway..." He muttered in his sleep. He then rolled on his left side and smiled, while also getting his face close to a smelly armpit that had flies flying all around it.
A second later, he sniffed the armpit, causing his eyes to snap wide open. The armpit turned out to be Ed's. Startled and disgusted, Edric screamed and pushed himself away from him as quickly as possible, before ending up falling out of his bed. He groaned in pain and rubbed the back of his head, as Ed looked at him. After getting up off the floor, Edric look at his dumb friend with a irritated look.
"Ed! What the hell are you doing in my bed?!" He exclaimed.
"I can't sleep, Edric." He told him. "I keep thinking; how can words be deep if they can't dig holes?"
Edric took a long pause to find out what Ed was talking about. But then a realization hit him and caused a groan to come out.
"Oh god, not this again." He complained. He then grabbed Ed's arm and pulled him out of the bed. "Let's go, Ed."
Edric then started pushing Ed out of the room and into the living room.
"Edric, why don't birds just take a bus south for the winter?" Ed asked.
"They don't have money for the bus." Edric answered, annoyed and tired. He lets Ed roam freely in the dorm, lets him do whatever he wants. Just then, the doors to Eddy and Double D's rooms opened and the two remaining Eds walked out.
"What's going on? I'm trying to sleep." Double D said, rubbing his eyes.
"Ed's curious again." Edric simply said. The two of them understood what he meant, as Ed was like this with Eddy back in their adventure that he called 'One + One= ED'.
"Oh, come on!" Eddy complained, before letting out a yawn. "Alright, whose turn is it?"
They thought for a moment. He was talking about their system for dealing with Ed when he starts getting curious at night, just to make sure he doesn't wake the others up or wander out of the dorm. One person who stays up with the big Ed-boy, while the others sleep, and then the next time someone else would do it. Double D and Eddy turned their heads to look at Edric. Realizing that they were staring at him, it hit him that it was his turn.
"Great…okay, I'll look after him." Edric sighed.
"Alright then." the smart Ed-boy said, before he and Eddy went back to their rooms and closed their doors behind them.
Edric let out a heavy breath of exhaustion and sat down on the sofa, knowing that he could kiss his goodnight sleep goodbye. Maybe he could fall asleep without Ed noticing. The door was locked, so he wasn't going to get that wasn't likely to happen, as Ed started opening and closing the refrigerator door. This caused the light of it to turn on and off with it. Shining on Edric's face, preventing any chase of closing his eyes.
"Edric." Ed called out to him. "When you close the fridge door, does the little light stay on?"
"Go to sleep, Ed..." He groaned, but his words fell deaf to his stupid friend, who continued to open and close the refrigerator.
"Hello light…Hello light…Hello light…Hello light…Hello light..."
(Cue Tougenkyou Alien by serial TV Drama)
(Instrumental)
(Then scene pans at the city of Tokyo, Japan. Edric walked in facing backwards as he turned around and gave a biggest goofiest smile. The scene changed to Kunugigaoka Junior High as pans away. Eddy and Ed came next as the two did the same thing as Edric. Then changed to the E-Class building in the mountain as it zooms closer. Double D came last as he gave his smile. The scene zooms to the classroom, in which no one was there except Koro Sensei with his arms wiggling about and giving his signature smile as the title appeared.)
Ed Edd Eddy n Edric: The EDsassination Classroom
{Sunda hitomi ga yobisamasu wasurekaketeta seigikan seigikan}
'My dead eyes are woken up by the sense of justice, a sense of justice I had forgotten.
{sui mo amai mo shaburi tsukusu kyou no TĒMA wa kanzen chou aku sa}
'Sour or sweet, I'll gobble them all down. Today's theme is rewarding good and punishing evil.'
(Edric was walking towards the halls of his dorm room, making his way to the bathroom, yawning. He picked his nose as his 13 year old self appeared behind him as did his 7 year old self. The scene changed to him sitting at the table with the other Eds as he drank his cola before throwing it away, hitting Eddy on the head, and ate his red bean paste on rice. Then Edrice was standing on top of the mountain, viewing Kunugigaoka Junior High and Tokyo from afar. The screen panned to the E class building as it gradually moved to the classroom, where Nagisa and Kayano by their desk as they looked up smiling, Karma glanced up and smirked, The Eds sat by their desk while Edric leaned back before looking up and smiled.)
{sanbuntekina kuchiburi de yatara usobuku EIRIAN EIRIAN}
'With a commoners' speak. Randomly cry, "Alien! Alien!"'
{norarikurari to tsumibukaki tougenkyou ni GUDDOBAI shitan naraba}
'Evasive and sinful, if you've said your goodbyes to Shangri-La.'
(Yada, Kanzaki and Nakamura talked as they walked to the building. Nakamura decided to tease them a little as Yada blushed while Kanzaki simply smiled. Transition to Koro Sensei as he wiggled around before he split into nine and posed. Changed to Takebayashi and Okajima chat about the maid cafes with the Okajima gushing about the girls there on their way home. They then turned to see the Eds coming at them in a makeshift go cart with Edric driving, freaking them out, as they passed by them.)
{risou ni chuujitsu na ooh kibou wa mada sutete wa ikenai sa}
'You must not yet. Ooh, Throw away a hope that is loyal to your standards.'
(Nagisa and Kayano were driving their go cart with Karma with a Anti-Sensei rocket launcher and Sugino hanging on. Terasaka and his entourage were running with Ritsu on wheels, carrying Hara, Kurahash, Hazama and Okuda joining with Takebayashi and Okajima. Yada, Kanzaki and Nakamura were on theirs while Okano used skates. Fuwa pointed forwards as she's with Maehara and Mimura in their go cart. Isogai drove his cart with a nervous laugh while Kataoka sighed. Chiba and Hayami drove theirs with guns in hand. Kimura drove with Sugaya drawn in his sketchbook. Itona drove a makeshift motorcycle. Then Karma fired his launcher as it was going towards the Eds as they screamed in panic as it exploded into them.)
{SHĪSŌ GEMU wa tsudzuiteku sou sou bokura mo yuzurenai}
'The seesaw game is continuing. Yeah, Yeah, and we won't give up.
{shinkenshoubu ni yami tsuki de mou doushitatte yamerarenai ya iya}
'Addicted to full-on fighting, I just don't know what to do, I can't quit now-owow.'
(The scene changed to the forest in the mountains where Edric was running in a military uniform as he wielded his Anti-Sensei bokuto in blue paint as he slashed his opposing students with it in a battle cry. The Eds joined him as they fought off as the scene changed to Takaoka with Smog, Grip and Gastro. Then the screen panned up to see Shiro along with the Reaper as he showed his frightening smile. Karasuma was having a meeting with his superiors before turning around and walking away as the scene flashed into Irina in her casual look, then to Gakuha Asano in his office, then to Aguri Yukimura in her lab coat.)
{unmeiron nante zenzen kankeinai}
'Fatality doesn't matter at all.
{isshokenmei da da da}
'With all you've got, yell 'Da! Da! Da!''
(The Eds emerged from the smoke from earlier and drove as fast as they could while Karma kept firing at them. The mountain was seen as explosions were seen as they gradually went down. The Eds stops at the fence of the school as Edric skidded, leaving tire marks on the ground. Edrice then faces the screen with a 'da' followed by Ed Edd n Eddy then Koro Sensei appearing above the Eds.)
EDsassination #5: The Eds is Bitchin'
(Next Day - Convenient Store)
During the next morning, Koro Sensei was wearing his 'human' disguise: a fake wig, fake nose, and turning his skin color to the same as a person's. Despite his poor disguise, it was enough to fool anyone other than E-Class and Karasuma. He was shopping for Convenient Store junk food with his monthly salary, even though he'll go broke in days time.
"Oh! Hey there, Big Teach! Long time no see!" The Convenient Store Clerk greeted him as the said teacher walked to the register.
"I know, right? Thank goodness for payday!" Koro Sensei said as the clerk checked his items and paid the man.
When that's done, he walked out as the automated door opened with the junk food in a plastic bag.
"Your one-stop shop for cheap, delicious junk food. Well worth the trouble of going incognito." Koro Sensei said, looking at said junk food with such delight.
"Hey, cut it out!"
"Eh?" Koro Sensei heard a woman's voice in distress as he looked to see the lady was surrounded by thugs as they were about to push her in their black SUV.
"Lighten up, doll face." One of the thugs said, grabbing her shoulders.
"Please, I don't have time for this, my students are expecting me." The woman pleaded.
"So you're a teacher, are ya?"
"What would you say to a li'l private tutoring to help get our grades up?" Another thug asked.
"Allow me to tutor you gentlemen on how to flirt with a lady." Koro Sensei said, appearing behind the thugs as he grabbed them by their collars. Then he jams them into their SUV, cramping them though it had enough room for them. "Lesson One: First Impressions. Know what your wheels say about your game."
Then he took out a roll of pink ribbon out of nowhere and immediately wrapped it on the SUV on Mach 20. The thug screamed inside the car, witnessing the inhuman speed of the octopus in disguise. When he finished, the SUV along with the tires were wrapped in pink ribbons in a bow and roses.
"Why do you use pink?!" The thugs exclaimed.
"There is no Lesson Two." Koro Sensei concluded his lecture to the thugs and sped up to the lady in question. "Are you all right?"
When he took a good look at the woman he saved, he was absolutely shocked upon seeing her. This person was a tall, beautiful young woman with fair skin, light blue eyes, and wavy blond hair. Her body was curvy and with an ample bust, she had a very sensual body.
The woman gasped and came closer to Koro Sensei, much to his further shock.
"Who says chivalry is dead? You're a prince among men. Thank you. I'll remember this kindness always." She said, blushing and looking at him with lovestruck eyes. "By the way, I'm trying to find Kunugigaoka Junior High. Do you know where it is?"
(E-Class)
The Eds were in the classroom but after having gotten no sleep last night and having to listen to Ed's questions, Edric was beyond tired. He was at his desk, with his face lying flat on the surface. His loud snoring caught the attention of the other students who were seated around him. They looked at him with confusion, as he drooled in his sleep.
"So why is he sleeping?" Yada asked.
"I'm afraid Ed kept our friend up all night." Double D answered, having gotten plenty of sleep. Edric let out two loud snorts as his body tensed up, before calming down and sighed with a smile.
"Bad Communication…" Edric muttered and laughed in his sleep.
"What was Ed possibly doing to keep him up all night?" Kimura asked.
This question, along with the others talking around, woke Edric up. It was annoying. Here he was trying to catch a few minutes of sleep before Koro Sensei arrived, and here they were talking over his head. He lifted his head and gave Kimura an exhausted look, startling him with his dead fish eyes.
"Really? You do realize that you're talking about Ed." He groaned.
They looked at Ed, who had on his usual smile. He looked at them as they stared at him.
"Y'up, it's me alright." Ed said, like a simpleton.
Afterward, they turned back to Edric and Double D, having gotten a better understanding.
"…Good point." Kimura said before the classroom door opened.
Stepping into the room came Karasuma, followed by Koro Sensei, still wearing his 'human' disguise with the woman he saved earlier this morning.
And what was even more surprising was that she was hugging his arm like she was in love!
"Okay. Look alive, people." Karasuma ordered the students after he and the two stopped and faced them. But it wasn't like the kids weren't paying attention that much, as all of their eyes were glued to the blond woman. "Meet our newest addition to the E-Class faculty."
"My name is Miss Irina Jelavić." She introduced herself, joyfully. "Nice to meet you all!"
"Talk about a knockout!" Sugino muttered.
"Knockers, more like!" Okajima said, pervertedly.
"Does anybody else think it's weird she's all over Koro Sensei?" Kataoka asked.
"A little bit, yeah." Nakamura answered Kataoka's question.
"Bow Chicka Bow Wow." Eddy muttered with a grin, staring at her body.
"Oh, my." Double D said, a little surprised by the appearance of Irina, but also blushes and sweats nervously.
"Hello!" Ed said.
Edric looked at her a little shocked, disturbed, and burning with jealousy that Koro Sensei was enjoying being smothered by her while he took off his 'human' disguise. However, instead of being surprised and screaming like any normal person, Irina continued to praise and adore him.
"What are the chances? Who knew we'd be colleagues?" Jelavic asked Koro Sensei. "Oh, you're adorable!"
"OI. What the hell is going on?" Edric asked, one of his eyes twitching.
"I know." Yada said, noticing his jealousy and felt a little jealous too, but for a different reason. "Why is she clinging to him like that?"
"We decided to bring on Miss Jelavić in the interest of beefing up the English curriculum. No hard feelings, I hope. She's, uh, very qualified." Karasuma said.
"No harm in that, is there?" Koro Sensei responded.
"She totally has a thing for Koro Sensei. I mean, she seems nice, so I guess it's kind of cute, right?" Kayano whispered to Nagisa.
"You call this cute? I call it a barf show!" Eddy looked at her like she was crazy. Nagisa agreed, with both of them, before pulling out his notebook.
"True, but there might be something we can use to figure out how to kill him too." He told them.
The group of friends, minus Ed, stared at the yellow being, as Koro Sensei turned his head to look down at the woman. Watching to see what he would do, Edric turned to the reader for his opinion on the matter, still jealous of his teacher.
(4th Wallbreak)
"Just like us, for more or less, our teacher seemed thrown off by the attention she was giving him. Is it because she's human, or because she's a woman?" Edric said before looking back to the said teacher. "After a few weeks with him, we knew that our best bet of knowing what his face changes color to reflect his mood. So what's the color for hot and bothered?"
After a few seconds, Koro Sensei's face turned pink, with two circle blushes, and his smile grew wider. The face could only be identified as one thing: lovesickness.
"Well, that's rather straightforward." Double D said.
"He's all about her." Maehara said.
"Yeah." Kaede said. "No mistaking that face."
"So he's into humans, too. Not to mention blushes like one too." Edric stated, now seeing this tacky.
Koro Sensei's Weak Point #5: Boobs
"Ah...The more I look at you, the more I feel myself drawn in." Miss Jelavić sighed dreamily as she looked at the teacher, pressing her body close to Korosensei. "Your tiny, suppository eyes. Those gelatinous joints. I'm simply captivated by the whole package!"
"Oh my. I, uh-" Koro Sensei said, laughing nervously, while most of his students glared at him with soulless eyes.
'Don't fall for it, She's trouble!' Okano exclaimed in her head.
'No woman in her right mind would be into you!' Nakamura exclaimed in her head.
"Wow." Eddy said with an amused smile. "If she wasn't acting, I'd say the babe's got a few screws loose."
(4th Wallbreak)
"Eddy was right, and we weren't dense, either. Koro Sensei might be a sucker for those looks, but we knew that any teacher who would join us under the bullshit circumstances we were in probably has more to them than meets the eye." Edric said to the readers. "If she's here, odds are she's not here to 'beef up' our English studies."
(Later)
When P.E. class came around, Koro Sensei brought the students out onto the court yard to play a game that, surprisingly Ed came up with…to a degree. In his words, he wanted to have a fun time, so Double D thought up a game that would involve trying to kill Koro Sensei. Called Kill Ball, the goal was to kick a few soccer balls at the teacher, before the kicker tried to kill him. Seeing that it was an EDsassination attempt, the Eds put it down as an attempt in the EDsassination Plan.
From a window in the building, Irina Jelavić watched them. Karasuma then went over and joined her.
"And of course I had all the usual close-range tricks at the ready." She told him, briefing him about her opinion of her target. "Apparently the art of seduction would work on whatever the hell he is."
She then pulled a cigarette and placed it in between her lips. Karasuma stared at her as she lit it, observing her.
(4th Wallbreak)
Then, out of the ordinary, a white screen pushes them out of the scene as Edric was the one who's pushing it as the scene is completely white.
"Like I said, she was no ordinary teacher." Edric said, leaning against the edge.
"You didn't say that." Karasuma said, pushing the screen back.
"OI! Who's telling the story?! Me! Thank you very much!" Edric exclaimed before pushing him out of the screen. Then he pulled a billboard out of nowhere showing the profile of Miss Jelavic. "So yeah, this was Irina Jelavić, first-rate assassin. Beautiful, intelligent (Ha!), athletic, and fluent in a dozen languages. She can bewitch targets from anywhere in the world, and eliminate even the most heavily guarded marks from point-blank range with ease. If you want to be the best at infiltration and approach, she's your gal."
Edric then pulled the white screen back to where the hell it came from.
Returning to where we left off with Karauma and Miss Jelavic. Karasuma blinked all of the sudden before going back to what he was about to say.
"As good as you are." Karasuma told her, as she began walking behind him and down the hall. "We can't just drop you into this situation and expect the usual tricks to work. I know deep cover is your specialty. But this time you'll actually have to teach."
"Hah. As if I'll be here long enough." Miss Jelavic said with arrogance, scoffed at the teaching part of the job. She stopped at the door before looking at him from the corner of her eyes. "I'm a professional. The octopus'll be pushing up daisies before lunch."
She then walked away.
Outside on the field, Koro Sensei continued to play their game of Kill Ball. Karma kicked the ball before firing his gun at the octopus. Koro Sensei dodged the BB as Okano kicked it then charged at him with two knives. It was a fun activity that everyone was enjoying. However, it wouldn't last. As the Eds were spread out and not close to one another, the latter caught something out of the corner of his view. He looked and saw Irina Jelavić running towards them with a cheerful expression.
"Ah snap." Edric muttered.
"Yoo-hoo!" She called out to him, getting his and everyone else's attention, as she ran up to him. "Hope I'm not interrupting anything, darling! Mr. Karasuma tells me you can go Mach 20 and I just had to see it with my own eyes!"
"Well, he might have exaggerated a tad." He said bashfully. As they watched the two adults be all lovey-dovey in front of them, the Eds joined up with Edric. Eddy stares at her with a raised eyebrow.
"He can't seriously be this stupid!" He said. "She's clearly faking it."
"She's using her body and sweet talk to get close to him, Eddy." Double D explained, much to Eddy's annoyance. "As of right now, our teacher is under her seductive spell."
"I hate to ask this, but I would be ever so grateful if you could fetch some real Vietnamese coffee." The woman said, looking up at him with pleading eyes and hands together. She also made sure to make her boobs even more presentable to him. "I thought maybe you could grab it while I run the students through their English lesson?"
"But of course, mon cher!" He replied, his face turned pink as he blushed in lovesickness. "It just so happens I know a fabulous café in Vietnam."
WHOOSH!
The yellow being then jumped a few meters into the air, causing winds to blow into everyone, before rocketing off into the distance. Leaving the students with Irina, the student heard the school bell ringing.
DING! DONG!
"Oh! Time to go to class!" Double D said with excitement, before running off. His friends, however, stayed behind and watched him leave. The smart Ed-boy stopped, walked back over, and looked at their new English teacher, who hadn't moved an inch. In fact, all the other students were staring at her too. "Er... Miss Irina? Class is starting. Shouldn't we go back in?"
"Sure, whatever." She said in a rude tone, placing another cigarette in between her lips and lighting it. "Knock yourselves out. Teacher needs peace and quiet, though, so make it a study hall."
This sudden change in attitude took most of the kids back by surprise. They were expecting for the woman to not be what she was making herself out to be, but they weren't expecting for her to be like this. She let out a puff of smoke and looked at them.
"And another thing: let's agree not to call me Miss when the octopus isn't around. And we're definitely not on a first-name basis, so drop it. When he is around, call me Miss Jelavić."
"..."
Everyone was silent for the moment. That is until Karma broke the silence.
"Heh. So what's your game, Miss JelaBitch?" Karma asked, mocking her by replacing the 'vić' part of her name with 'bitch'.
"NO NICKNAMES!" She snapped at him.
"We got ourselves a real pro here." Karma put his hands on his hips while looking at her with his usual smug look. " Just a word of warning from those who've been playing' the odds. You're not gonna kill the octopus without help?"
"Please, sweetheart. You're a bunch of saplings. Adults have their own special ways of doing things, so take note." JelaBitch responded with an egotistical expression and attitude that was an instant turn-off for any guy. She then turned and looked at Nagisa. "Speaking of which, you're Nagisa Shiota, right?"
Irina walked up to him and before he and anyone could have guessed, grabbed his face and kissed him on the lips.
CHU!
"AAAAAAAAAAAA!" Kayano screamed in absolute shock and anger, as everyone around her stared at the two in surprise. Karma, however, looked with a mischievous look.
HIT! (30x!)
The sensation of the lip lock overloaded Nagisa's mind and body. Instead of feeling the desire to kiss her back, it felt like he was hit 10 times with each millisecond. He struggled to pull away, but Irina's strong grip kept him there. Like a lion after catching its prey, the assassin held the boy in the kiss until he was unable to move or think. Afterward, she pulled away and held him to her ample boobs.
"Do me a fav, show me what you've got on him. Grab your special notebook, meet me in the faculty room in 10 minutes." She told him, as his eyes were soulless-white with his cheeks flushed.
JelaBitch then looked up and turned her attention to the Eds. Once she did, Edric gulped, hoping that she didn't know about the Edsassination Plan, as she pushed Nagisa to the ground.
"And you, the one with the scar and the dead fish eyes." She pointed him out before walking over to him, making him and the Eds tense up, as the three took a big step back.
Everyone stared at her as she went. Yada didn't know why, but she really hoped she wouldn't kiss him the way she did to Nagisa. When JelaBitch got him, she placed a finger under his chin and brought it up to look her in the eyes.
"I hear that you have an 'EDsassination Plan' or whatever." She said with a confident smile. "Do me a favor and hand it over to me when you and Nagisa come to the staff room."
"Et tu…" Edric muttered, blushing heavily at how close the woman was, and was about to explain to her that it wasn't really a plan before another set of hands grabbed him by the shoulders.
"Oh, no you don't! Who do you think you are coming here thinking you can boss us around, lady?!" Eddy demanded as he picked Eric off the ground and then placed him away from Irina, he then glared and pointed at her. "You may be our teacher, but the EDsassination Plan is ours-!"
He stopped when she pulled out a small, two-shot golden Derringer pistol and placed the barrels to his forehead.
(Cue Slow Guitar Solo)
This caused panic and fear from the students, as they could only watch in silence as their friend was held at point-blank range. Ed chatter at his nails, Double D had his hands to his mouth, and Edric looked in wide-eyed shock before glaring at her.
"If you interfere even slightly with my assassination." She told him with a cold, sinister smirk. "I won't hesitate to kill you."
Looking at the gun pointed to his head, Eddy sweat nervously with shaking knees. He may have bitten off more than he could chew.
"Don't you dare."
Irina turned to see Edric but not before she noticed he had Lake Kiryu out and was close to her neck, shocking her and everyone. Yada couldn't believe Edric was trying to face a professional assassin despite his life being in danger. She wanted to stop him but her legs were paralyzed in fear.
"If you lay a finger on me or my friends, I'll kick your sexy sorry ass." Edric glared at her like what he did to Karma last time.
Irina was surprised that he could give off such a glare and killing intent for a Junior High student. Seeing him like a demon with that face, unlike the other assassins and mercenaries she met. She was provoking earlier but if she were to do that for real, she wouldn't want to know what happens next.
After a moment, she lowered her gun as he withdrew his bokuto in response as Eddy stumbled backward. Irina then turned towards the other students, resuming her talk to them.
"That goes the same for any of you snot-nosed punks who feel like you've got intel worth sharing. Give Miss Jelavic something useful and I'll let you go home while these gentlemen stand in for you."
Ed then noticed something out of the corner of his eye to the left. Three strange familiar men with strong bodies and broad shoulders walking over to JelaBitch.
"This is what separates the pros from the amateurs, boys and girls. Connection and a little thing we like to call technique. Now, piss off, go play." Miss JelaBitch mocks them.
As Double D tended to Eddy, who had his hands on his knees and breathing heavily after the traumatic experience of having a gun to his head, and as Ed helped Nagisa stand up again, while he wiped Irina's lipstick off his lips, Edric stared at the female assassin as she talked to her companions.
(4th Wallbreak)
"Powerful knockout kisses, meathead bodyguards, and the full intent to kill. We know that what we were dealing with was a professional killer. We would have been more than willing to help her in Koro Sensei's assassination, but there was just one big problem." Edric said to the readers before looking at her with such annoyance and anger. "Irina Jelavić is such an effin' bitch. Now I see her as a Bitch Terminator."
(End music)
(Next Day)
The next day came, and to say that things weren't going so well for the Eds would…be almost normal to say. However, after the events of yesterday, things weren't going their way. They stared at Irina, as she sat behind the teacher's desk, sitting sideways with her legs crossed over one another. She was working on her tablet to plan out her big strategy to kill Koro Sensei. On the desk was the Ed's EDsassination Plan journal. She barely even touched it, yet she took it from him with the notion that she was going to use it to help her.
But that was a lie to eliminate the competition.
'This assignment is the first in which my objective is to kill an unidentified creature. Everything should be in order.' Irina continued working on her tablet, before finishing with a smirk. She then turned her head towards Edric, making him tense up before giving her a slight glare. The Eds quickly looked down. 'Those boy's Intel has given me a lot to work with, but I wasn't going to let them have any plans of their own after this. It's not like they'll need it after I'm done.'
She winked at the scar boy.
Edric felt a shiver go up his spine and grumbled in annoyance.
(Flashback - Yesterday)
"Like I told you." Edric said to her after she found out what the Edsassination Plan really was. He and Nagisa were leaning against the chalkboard of the staff room, while Irina stood in front of them with the journal. "The EDsassinaiton Plan is a trial and error plan, and so far, no one has been able to do the deed."
"A couple of us have actually gotten so far as destroying one of his tentacles." Nagisa said, looking at his notebook. "But he just dodges your next attack while he lets it grow back."
"Actually, Double D's been theorizing on that: what if it's possible to kill and or stop him from moving if we destroy all his tentacles at once. And another thing..." Edric then looked at Irina as she smoked. He surprised her by pulling the cigarette out of her mouth, and snuffing it out on the chalkboard. "If you're planning to sneak up on him, you probably shouldn't smoke."
"He's right, for a guy without a nose, he's a bloodhound." Nagisa adds.
"Just look over the Plan, it just might save you." Edric tells her.
(Present Time)
'This'll be a piece of cake. My strategy is airtight.' She thought in arrogance, closing her eyes and angling her head down. The students looked exasperatedly at her. Why couldn't she just be a teacher and do something useful to help them? 'I am the one and only Irina Jelavić, The Closer, The Go-to gal, I walk between the raindrops...'
"Uh, Miss JelaBitch, ma'am?" Maehara said, angering Irina as she felt the word stab through her body. "Are you teaching us or what?"
"Yeah c'mon, Miss JelaBitch." Nakamura said, stabbing her with the word. Increasing her anger.
"No disrespect, but you are a teacher aren't ya, Miss JelaBitch?" Sugaya asked. Again, 'bitch' stabbed the bitch.
"Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch!" Ed started singing, causing multiple arrows of the term to stab Irina. "Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! BITCH!"
"RRRAAAAAAHHHHHH!"
After finally reaching her breaking point, Irina let out a rage-induced scream.
"WILL YOU QUIT SINGING 'BITCH' ALREADY!?" She yelled at Ed, before turning to the other students. "The name is Jelavić,understand? JelaBitch is what I'll be if you do get it through your thick prepubescent skulls! Let's review! My name is Jelavic, 'Jela—'V'—vić!' bite your lower lip and hum!"
"Vvvv..."
The students did as they were told.
"V, excellent." She smiled in satisfaction. "Now practice that for the next hour while I ignore you."
A purple cloud appeared over the students' heads, as they glared at Irina with white eyes.
'Lamest. Lesson. Ever.'
'Like I said, a Bitch Terminator!' Edric thought to the readers with his eyes twitching.
(An hour later)
"THAT BITCH!" Eddy angrily yelled, jumping out of his seat and paced back and forth. Their new teacher had walked out of the classroom when the period was over, leaving them in the classroom. The others watched as he started ranting, after holding in his frustration. "How many times? How many times are we gonna keep getting screwed over?!"
Double D sighed at his friend's ranting. Why must he be so vocally loud?
"Eddy, please, control yourself." He said.
"How, Sockhead!?" Eddy snapped at him before turning to Edric, who was reading his Jump. "That EDsassination Plan was our best plan to kill the octopus until Dead eyes had to give it to that bitch!"
Dead eyes was another nickname he used for Edric.
"Oi! All she said was that she wanted to look at it! How was I supposed to know she'd take it!" He snapped back at him.
"Why not reset and do it all over again?" Ed asked.
"Didn't you guys make a copy of the journal?" Kataoka asked.
"We didn't even consider for it to be taken." Edric said as he resumed reading his Jump again. Eddy then groaned loudly in misery and fell backward onto the wooden floors with a thud. "Don't be such a downer, Eddy. We'll get it back from that Bitch Terminator, if not we'll get another journal or keep it digitally like those tech savvy students."
"And besides." Karma said in the back of the room, bringing everyone's attention to him. "She only took it because she's confident that she'll kill him in a pinch. All she was doing was eliminating the competition."
"Yeah, but the worst thing is that we don't even know what she has planned for him." Nagisa said.
Edric thought for a moment, setting down his Jump and looking at the ceiling. Karma had a point, JelaBitch took their Edsassination plan but she didn't return it. Meaning that she ignored their warnings and just do the job she was hired for. Which irritated him, why do all the hot women and girls he liked can be a bitches? All he could do was hope that bitch knew what she was doing.
Maybe today's shooting lessons would clear his head.
(Next Period)
When those lessons came around, and when it was Edric's turn, along with Yada, Maehara, and Nakamur, he stepped up to the white line and aimed downrange at the paper target. He then started shooting at the target, which was easy because he had some practice in shooting games at the arcade during his free time. Hitting near the center of the target each time, satisfied.
He stopped when he had emptied the magazine. He pressed the mag release, pulled out the mag, and set the safety on.
"Wow."
He looked to his right and saw Yada looking at him in amazement.
"What's up?" He asked her.
"I didn't think you'd be that good." She complimented him. "Not that I didn't think you were good."
He smirked at the compliment, before pulling out another magazine and slamming it into the gun. Yada followed his example by turning back to her paper target and aiming her Anti-Sensei gun at it.
"It's something I picked up playing shooting games." Edric said. "And the fact that my dad was a veteran."
"Really?" Yada fired a shot.
"Yeah. Part of the Special Force." Edric aimed downrange and started shooting at a slower rate so he could talk to her. She fired another BB, before looking at him with curious eyes.
"Really? What Special Forces was he?" Yada asked.
"Sorry, pops said it's confidential." Edric lowered his gun and turned his head towards her before saw something over her head. Focusing on it by leaning his head to the side to look around Yada, he saw Irina and Koro Sensei walking towards the storage shed. He sighed with a deadpan expression. "Don't look now, but the lovebirds are on the move."
This caused everyone to look.
"What?" Mimura whined. "Oh, come on! you've got to be kidding me! Seriously?"
"Wow." Suyaga asked, seeing Koro Sensei's face pink. "He's really falling for it."
"I'd have to agree." Double D said. "Especially with how unpleasant our new poor excuse for an educator is."
"Double D's right, Mr. Karasuma." Kataoka said. "I get that she's a pro, but she's not exactly easy to get along with."
"Yes, I know." Karasuma responded. "I'm sorry you kids have to deal with her, but the higher-ups seem to think she's all that. And, well, seeing what she's been able to put together in such a short amount of time does tend to make me agree with them."
"What do you mean?" Nagisa asked as he looked at him.
"Let's just say that she's created a spider web that I hope works."
Edric watched the two walk behind the shed before he and the other students at the firing line stepped back to let the next five, Isogai, Kanzaki, Sugaya, Mimura and Takebayashi, step up. After backing away and joining with his friends, he looked at the shed again. Edric had a feeling that she wasn't going to win against Koro Sensei. Adults like JelaBitch can be infuriating, ignorant, and high mighty. Doesn't take what he and Nagisa said to heart, thinking that they don't know what they're talking about. After all the EDsassination attempts they made on the teacher's life, the fourth man of the group knew that just by reading Koro Sensei's weak points without reading the Edsassination Plan was going to lead to failure for her part.
He then noticed that the shed had a window, which gave him an idea.. It was a bad idea, but it was one that they all could benefit from. Plus he wanted to see what kind of Edsassination attempt that bitchs gonna do, he may not like her but her body is to die for!
"Welp, it couldn't hurt to see." Edric whispered to himself and placed his gun in the waist like with his Bokutos then ran towards the shed. "Guys, come on! Let's see what the bitches packin'!"
This caught many of the students by surprise, including Karasuma.
"Wait, Edric!" He called out to him, before Ed ran past him.
"Wait for me, Edric!" The simpleton exclaimed, throwing his gun in the air. The airsoft m4 flew upwards before landing on Eddy's head, knocking him out.
"Oh dear." Double D looked at Eddy before he sighed as he'll regret this later. He picked up Eddy and chased after Ed and Edric. "Wait for me, fellows!"
Everyone watched the Eds run to the shed, Yada didn't know why but she felt like she wanted to hit Edric. Same goes for Nakamura but wanting to hit Eddy.
(In the Storage Shed)
Irina closed the doors of the shed, with a dark, almost sinister smile. She was successful in luring Koro Sensei into her 'spider trap', as Karasuma said it. Koro Sensei turned to her in the darkroom.
"So what is it you want to speak about in private, Miss Irina darling?" He asked.
She didn't answer him and turned around to lock the doors. To her, an infiltration is a form of art. The key point of it is to be flexible where the target is concerned. The target was an unknown life form, so her best course of action was to kill him before he gets suspicious. Irina turned around, and took off her white dress shirt.
(With the Eds)
The Eds made it to the wall of the shed with Eddy regained consciousness. Edric wanted to look into the room to see the bitch's EDsassination attempt and want to see her hot body. It may be perverted but that's normal for teenage boys like himself, and they needed to know what the plan was, so that if it fails, they note it down and move on with their next one. Edric looked up at the window and then turned to Ed.
"Yosh. Ed, Double D, give me and Eddy a boost." He whispered to them, trying to be stealthy.
"Okay." Ed thought for a moment, confusing Edric. "You are a good person, and people say nice things about you."
"Not a morale boost, Baka, a physical one." Edric corrected him, before pointing up to the window. "We need to see through that window."
"But Edric, that window is very high. I don't think you and Eddy are tall enough either." Ed said, looking up at the window before looking at him again.
"I know, that's why I need you to help me look through it." He clarified in annoyance.
"I don't think I am tall enough either. Also, my head is round, that window is square." Ed pointed out.
Edric looked at him in disbelief with an eye twitching. He was certain that he was used to Ed after all their adventures, but boy he was proven wrong…again.
"Just stand still, you." He ordered him, before climbing him.
"Edric, please reconsider." Double D pleaded. "It is wrong to spy a woman and don't forget what she'll do when she finds out."
"No way, Sockhead. This is compensation for taking our plan from us!" Eddy exclaimed quietly as he climbed on him too.
Each step on the big Ed's body stretched either his clothing or his skin down as did Double D. After reaching the top of them and standing on their heads, Edric and Eddy grabbed the edge of the window ledge and looked into the room.
It was dark, and the two weren't able to see much inside, but they were able to see enough and hear perfectly on what's going on.
"What do you see, Edric?" Ed asked.
"I'll tell you when you're older, Ed." Edric said.
As he looked through the window, he saw Irina Jelavić, with her white dress shirt off, leave on her strapless black shirt and her white mini skirt. However, she was pushing her boobs up as she leaned forward in front of Korosensei.
"Oh, Koro Sensei." She said in a pleading and suggestive voice. "I just can't stand it!. You'll think I'm a harlot, but I just can't simply control myself around you."
"NYUUAAA?!" Korosensei turned pink again, as he started twitching and spouting out gibberish.
"Your body, your strength." As she spoke from inside, Edric and Eddy looked at the scene in wide-eyed disbelief and jaws hanging. However, the forceful of an act was she willing to pull? This made the two gasp upon seeing her sexy figure. "Everything about you drives me mad with longing. Does that make me a bad woman? Am I bad?"
"Ah, well, yes…I mean, ah…" Koro Sensei stuttered, blushed as his body turned pink.
"Does that make me a bad woman? Am I bad?" Miss JelaBitch asked in a flirtatious tone..
"I can't believe I'm seeing this." Edric muttered, blushed and had a perverted grin.
"You're telling me." Eddy said, doing the same thing as him.
"Honestly, you two." Double D groaned in annoyance and pain from Eddy's constant standing on him.
However, they knew that she was forcing the acting and getting Koro Sensei to pay attention to her. But what they didn't know was that yesterday, Irina was preparing her trap. Behind Koro Sensei, out of Edric and Eddy's sight, and behind gym equipment and barricades, the three men who accompanied her were hiding. And had Korosensei locked within their gunsights.
Now was the time to strike.
"This is what you want, you can't fool me." JelaBitch said in a flirtatious tone.
"I, uh, I really don't think we oughta do this here!" Koro Sensei said panically.
'Goodbye, stupid. It's been fun.' She thought, backing away from him while he continued to panic. Irina then started walking behind a board, waving to him. "Don't be such a prude. Let me just get these clothes off. Relax darling, I'll be au natural in a jiff."
"Au natural...?"
"Au natural?" Edric and Eddy spoke, they wanted to see it with their very own eyes but they knew it was a lie.
"I think this is where we left." Edric said as Eddy nodded. They stepped off Ed and Double D and were about to return to the others and Karasuma. But-
BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
That's when the three goons opened fire on him, hitting him with every shot. But these weren't the BB's that the students were given. These were real live rounds, firing from real guns.
"GET DOWN!" Edric yelled when the shooting within the shed started.
The Eds jumped forward with their arms stretched out, before landing on the ground (with Ed making a small imprint of himself in the dirt), and covering the back of their head. And it wasn't just them that were started. The other students, from where they were, nearly jumped off their skin by the sound of automatic guns going off. Edric picked his head off the ground.
"What the hell is she thinking?! Konno Onna!" Edric shouted.
(Back in the Shed)
However, in the shed, Irina was more than pleased, as she kneeled on the floor with her back against the bulletproof broad and plugged her ears with her fingers.
'Live ammo, big guns. M61. M134. M249. Enough combined speed and firepower to take out a small army.' She looked down at an airsoft M1911, staring at it like it was a mere toy. Which wasn't far from her thoughts. 'Who needs BB's when you have the real thing? I'm a pro. I'll stick to actual weapons, thank you very much. And assignment complete in three, two, one, zero.'
And the guns stopped firing.
Irina stepped out from behind the board, expecting to see her target as nothing but a pile of his flesh and whatever he was made of.
{Cue Assassination Classroom Soundtrack - Niramiai}
"!"
However, she instead gasped and her eyes widened in shock.
Koro Sensei stood before, unharmed. His body was darkened by the sunlight coming from the window behind him, as steam came from his chest area, and his eyes shined bright red, giving his smiling face an unsettling vibe. He laughed for a moment.
"A noble effort, Madame, but lead bullets have no effect on me whatsoever." He said as he reached where the stream was coming from—a hole in his shirt that was formed by the bullets—before pulling out a large, silver lump. Koro Sensei held it out in front of her. The lump of lead lost its form and slipped out of his hand and between his fingers like it was water. "In fact, once inside my body, they melt. Look closely at my face and tell me what you see."
JelaBitch did and gasped again, taking a step back. Above the tiny white dots that were his eyes, she saw two more dots.
"You...You have four eyes?!" She asked
"No. Two of these holes are nostrils." Koro Sensei clarified
"How am I supposed to know that?!" She retorted
"I noticed a distinct, metallic odor in here since yesterday, along with the scent of adult man BO. The moment it hit me, I knew something wasn't right." He explained, causing Irina to gasp. She then remembered what Nagisa said to her.
"For a guy without a nose, he's a bloodhound."
"So you see, I was simply pretending to be ensnared by your little ruse. Fun, but all for nothing. I've exposed you for the uncreative act you are!" Koro Sensei said, eyes flashing as they continued to glow red. He started to move closer to her, causing Irina to back away. Koro Sensei reached into his outfit and pulled out something that further added to her shock: the Edsassination Plan journal. "And you really shouldn't have thrown this away. After all, the Eds worked really hard on it. You could really learn a thing or two from them and the rest of my students. Their assassination attempts are much more imaginative."
He continued his advancements towards her until she backed up against the wall. JelaBitch was now scared. Trembling, sweating, and whimpering as Koro Sensei brought out more of his tentacles. Wiggling them around as they started to form a yellow body fluid on them.
"Oh, and just out of curiosity. Did the government diocese of me mention that my preferred method of retaliation is grooming?" He asked her before he made his move on her.
(Back with E-Class)
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
The students outside were started by the sound slithering noises and JelaBitch screams of terror and Koro Sensei maniacal laughter. The Eds got up from the ground, with the big Ed-boy hiding behind his friends.
"Uh, what was that?!" Okano exclaimed.
"I heard gunfire, a scream and now slithering noise!" Okajima said. They stopped talking and listened for any more sounds.
(End Ost)
"Noooooo!"
What they didn't expect to hear was her screaming again and the slithering sound. Only this, she sounded less in terror and more like pleasured.
"Noo…~"
Now that one sounded really sexual as they sweatdropped. But not to Ed.
"Just like I thought. Koro Sensei has devoured Miss Bitch! And those screams were her wails of pain, as her body's been melted inside of him!" He said in fear as he backed away and grabbed the sides of his head, getting everyone's attention. Ed stopped and stretched his underwear out, before reaching into it. The students watched in wide-eyed disgust as he fished for something. A moment later, he pulled out one of his horror comics. He opened it and looked into it for a moment, before turning back to the others. "And now he will hunt us down for Sunday supper."
Double D, Eddy, and Edric looked at him in annoyance. Everyone else looked at him questioningly and doubtful, even though they should know to expect this from him. However, Fuwa came up to him with her curiosity towards his comic book.
"Do you mind if I read that?" Fuwa asked.
"Enchanting, Ed, but I'm sure that there's a more grounded and reasonable explanation for what has transpired in the shed." Double D stated, before he and the other Eds ran back to the shed, followed by Nagisa, Yada, Maehara, Mimura and Okajima.
After reaching the shed, they ran around the corner to the front where the door was. When they did, the door slid open and out came Koro Sensei. His skin was pink again, but his usual uniform was patched up with random pieces of fabric.
"Koro Sensei!" Nagisa exclaimed.
"Did you touch her boobs?!" Okajima demanded.
"If only I had the time to be really thorough." Koro Sensei sighed happily, before turning his skin yellow again. "But class isn't going to teach itself, is it, children? Oh, and Ed, Double D, Eddy, Edric. I've also added in some notes for you four to take into consideration."
The teacher brought out the EDsassination Plan journal and handed it to Double D, who accepted it with wonder. The smart Ed opened the journal and looked in, as his friends gathered around him to look as well. Flipping through the pages that they used, they saw red notes with doodles from the octopus. They're weren't so many things about what they did wrong. They were instead what they did right and they should do next time in more detail.
"After you're done, come and see me so that I may give you pointers." Koro Sensei tells the Eds.
"Eh?" Edric wasn't able to really put his words in order, as he and the others were amazed by what he was willing to do.
"Um, what exactly went on in there, sir?" Nagisa asked him.
His answer came when Irina stumbled out of the shed. They and the Eds were shocked to see her not wearing her usual clothing, but navy blue bloomers, a white T-shirt with her name on it, and a red headband. But she seemed really out of it. With her eyes looking upwards and drool coming from the side of her lips.
"IT LIVES!" Ed shouted, pointing at her, before smiling and waving. "Hiya, Miss Bitch."
"Miss Jelabitch has been stuffed into a tastefully retro gym outfit!" Nagisa exclaimed.
"It would take longer to describe the things he did to this body than it did for him to do them." Miss JelaBitch muttered, as her mind flashed back to moments that seemed like a blur. Remembering his tentacles all around her. "My back and shoulders have never felt looser…He somehow worked in a lymphatic beauty massage…A change of clothes, just because…And he still had time to do this…thing with his tentacles…"
And with that, she collapsed face-first on the ground.
"What 'thing' with his tentacles!?" Most of the boys exclaimed as purple lines appeared over their heads.
"Koro Sensei, what is she talking about?" Nagisa looked at his teacher with suspicion.
"Uh." Koro Sensei quickly looked away, his skin white, and his face having a plain look. With two black dots and a closed and straight lip line. "Adults sometimes need special care."
"OI! TELL US WHAT YOU DID TO THE BITCH, HENTAI TENTACLES!" Edric shouted.
"Come now, back to the classroom, boys and girls." Koro Sensei said, leading the kids to the school while Edric persisted in interrogating the octopus.
"Yes, sir." They groaned in response. They left Miss JelaBitch alone on the ground, as she lifted herself up on her arms and knees with her head down.
'Unbelievable. I've never been so humiliated in all my life.' She said angrily in her head and ripped off the headband. She then looked up at where Koro Sensei used to be when he was walking the students back to the classroom. Her eyes glared in hatred. 'I'm a professional, dammit! The octopus will pay!'
(Later in the classroom)
The day wasn't over yet, and the students were now in study hall again with Miss JelaBitch. But this time, most of the students looked tiredly at her as she tapped her tablet loudly, gritting her teeth in anger while sitting at the teacher's desk.
'If he thinks I'm out of ideas, that yellow, wiggly monstrosity has another thing coming!' She thought as she looked through her list of hitmen she knows. 'I just need fresh supplies!'
However, not all students were focused on the Bitch terminator.
"So it said here that normal bullets would just melt in his body." Double D said as he read from the Edsassination Plan. He had it on his desk and opened a page Koro Sensei added in. All in red pen, showing the plan Miss JelaBitch used in the shed, complete with doodles, notes, descriptions, the right and wrongs, and even suggestions.
"That explains why they didn't give us real guns." Eddy said, leaning against his desk.
"And the fact that we're kids." Kayano added.
"I'm just glad you guys were able to get the journal back." Kurahashi said, smiling at the Eds over her shoulder. "I mean, you guys don't really do that many of the attempts, but it's wonderful that you're willing to help us that much."
"Oh, come on!" Miss JelaBitch yelled in frustration, startling them. "What's with Wi-Fi in this place! Are we on Mars?!"
"Wow. Looks like Miss Jelabitch is pissed off." Karma said from all the way in the back, with his arms behind his head. "I know my pride would be in shambles if my plan had gone tits up."
"Your plans did fail." Edric reminded him, before smirking, "Just not as miserably."
"Oh, I know!" Ed reached into his uniform. "I'll give her Angus—"
"DON'T!" Edric shouted and pointed his Anti-Sensei Bokuto at his friend, getting him to stop. "You dare! Bring out that stupid dead fish!"
Double D sigh, he was hoping that this would be a chance to actually start learning, but Miss JelaBitch once again made it a study hall so she could conjure up another attempt on Koro Sensei's life. Having enough of her neglectfulness, he spoke up.
"Excuse me, Miss Jelavić?" He said, getting her attention.
"Ugh. What?" She responded rudely.
"If you're not going to teach us anything, do you mind if we swap you out for Koro Sensei?" The smart Ed-boy asked politely. "We've got entrance exams this year, and we…"
"Ha! You wanna swap me out for that disgusting creature?! You worried about your entrance exams matter when the planet is on notice?" She retorted with a mocking look. Irina placed her tablet on the desk and stood up. "Must be paradise not knowing your ass from a hole in the ground. Give it a rest, even if the Earth wasn't on a brink of destruction, entrance exams are for students with a future. News flash: that's not any of you losers."
This caused anger to build up in the students, excluding the Eds, Nagisa, and Karma.
"I mean, look at that shack of stupid." Irina gestured with a hand at Ed. "He's probably the biggest dumbass on the planet. Where could he possibly go after school? What college would accept him? He's not, and will always be nothing! Why even bother?"
Ed looked down in despair, his lips quivering, eyes growing larger, and tears forming. While Double D looked at his friend with concern, her words were more than enough to spark rage in Edric and Eddy, and anger the students even more.
"How about this, kids? Forget studying. Help me brainstorm on how to kill the octopus and I'll give you a nice percentage of the reward money! That's the best deal any of you E-Class jerk offs are gonna get out in life. Otherwise, knock it off with the whining and let—"
BLAM!
She stopped when Lake Kiryu hit the broad inches from her head with such speed, surprising her. The bokuto was now embedded into the board as cracks came from the sword. She looked to see Edric was the one who'd thrown it at her.
"Get the hell out of our classroom, bitch." Edric demanded, giving her the demonic glare.
Miss JelaBitch looked at the class. She gasped lightly at the sight of hateful looks staring right at her. Suddenly, the room exploded into anger as E-Class yelled, getting out of their seats, and throwing everything they had at her, as she tried to shield herself.
"Now, you're just a plain ol' bitch!" Maehara shouted.
"GET OUT, YOU FUCKING BITCH!" Eddy yelled with fury.
"Take a hike, you stupid bitch!" Nakamura shouted.
"We want Koro Sensei back!" Yada demanded.
"Don't screw with us!" Sugino exclaimed.
"That's it! I will make you rue the day you were born!" Irina yelled angrily at them with white eyes. "WAAAAAHHHH!"
She screamed in fear when she saw Ed picking up his deck and throwing at her, forcing her to duck under the table before it slammed and broke apart.
"Go away, mean lady!" Ed yelled as Edric looked at what he did in shock. Everyone else, except for Double D and Nagisa, continued to shout and throw things at Irina. Ed was going to throw his chair next, but Edric grabbed his arm and held him back.
"Ed, stop! You're gonna hurt somebody!" Edric exclaimed. "This ain't a cartoon anymore!"
"Come on!" Eddy yelled at her with a shaking fist, as Double D and Nagisa continued to sit at their desks and cover their heads. Not wanting to get involved in the mayhem all around them. Kayano however, with white eyes, held up a protest sign that said "No Big Boobs!" on it. "We're right here, bitch!"
"Your boobs are way too big to be a teacher!" Kayano shouted.
'Seriously?' Nagisa looked at her in disbelief.
As the chaos ensued, Karasuma stood at the open door, growling in great annoyance with a hand on his forehead upon JelaBitch's ignorance.
(Time Skip - Faculty room)
After the fight and JelaBitch being escorted out of the classroom, Karasuma brought her to the staff room.
"Someone oughta slap the piss out of them!" She exclaimed, slammed her hands on the desk in front of Karasuma as he worked calmly on his laptop. "I'm too fine a woman to be one-upped by a bunch of punks! They'd be lucky to lick the mud off my stilettos!"
"In case you haven't noticed, sweetheart, the children don't agree with that assessment." Karasuma said, annoyed with her childish attitude. "If you're gonna stick around for another attempt, I suggest that you suck it up, march in there, and give them an apology."
"Do what!?" Irina complained, feeling her pride continually being hit. "I am an accomplished assassin, not a glorified rugrat wrangler! Let me focus on what I'm qualified for!"
This further annoyed Karasuma, with him letting out a sigh.
"Oh fine, whatever." He then got out of his seat and started walking towards the door, confusing Irina. "Just come with me, please."
(Outside of the E-Class Building)
After walking JelaBitch out of the building, Karasuma led her to the forest. As they arrived, the two adults hid behind a tree as they watched Koro Sensei sitting in his beach chair, with a small table next to him that had many educational textbooks on it. With one tentacle holding a juice box up to his mouth, one tentacle holding up a clipboard, and another one holding an open textbook under the clipboard, he worked on the paper with multiple tentacles that each had a different tool at blazing fast speeds.
"Erromango, one of the islands of Vanuatu, otherwise known as the New Hebrides." Koro Sensei read from the textbook.
"Okay. So what exactly the hell is he doing?" She asked.
"Poring over and writing test questions." Karasuma answered. "He does this every Wednesday during the sixth period since I've been here."
"Quick as the bastard is, you wouldn't think it'd take him so long. I mean, at Mach 20, I'd imagine the test would be written out and ready to go by now." JelaBitch said, leaning against the tree.
"They're tailored to each individual student." He told her, making her gasp in shock. "He takes into account which subjects they're good at, where they need improvement, and then hands out a test design specifically for them."
She then noticed that there were also comic books on the table too, and that Koro Sensei had one in his tentacle, before switching to another comic book after five seconds.
"So why is he reading comics?" JelaBitch asked
"He's working on Ed's test." Karasuma tells her.
"That stupid kid?" She asked in confusion, Karasuma nodded.
"Ed's the strongest of all the students, but he suffers greatly from mental retardation. Most teachers would have seen Ed as a lost cause, but the octopus is him as a challenge to becoming a better teacher. Yet even with his faults, the boy's imagination is vast and is willing to try and learn what he can and can't not. However, the one thing that he does seem to understand is art, and science fiction. So the octopus makes a test that Ed could understand, hoping that it can help him in future tests." Karasuma explained.
"No denying that Ed got to understand spatial relations down pat." Koro Sensei said, "Let's give him a problem that really kick-starts his lateral thinking."
"His IQ is off the chart, literally." Karasuma said, as she looked at Koro Sensei in wonder. "His speed puts every weapon we have to shame. He's dangerous, contradictory, and he's a damn near perfect teacher."
(E-Class Schoolyard)
"Take this!"
Yada hits a ball over a badminton net with a wooden knife that has a curved blade, as she played with other students in a made-up game that appeared similar to the real sport. Each team had five players and the same wooden knives. Eddy and Ed were playing the same game too, with Edric on Yada's team and the two Eds on the opposing team. Double D was off to the side with a few spectators, standing next to a scoreboard.
"I got it! I got it!" Ed exclaimed as he ran to hit the ball back.
He did hit the ball—which was yellow and had Koro Sensei's face on it—but ended up sending it flying straight up into the air. Everyone groaned, but Eddy stared at the ball after it stopped ascending and started falling back down.
"I got it! I got it!" He exclaimed with a confident smirk moving left and right, trying to find the right place to send the ball back.
Karasuma led JelaBitch to the Courtyard, Karasuma stopped and pointed at them.
"Take a look and tell me what you see?" He asked, confusing the assassin.
"Huh? They're just screwing around." She said, as Eddy stopped moving and waited for the ball to come to him.
"They're fine-tuning the necessary hand-eye coordination skills to hit a moving target." Karasuma corrected her. "I call it, Assassination Badminton."
After a second of waiting, Eddy saw his opportunity. He jumped up and spiked the ball over the net. The other team's players weren't able to react fast enough, and the ball was about to hit the ground until Edric hit it away and spiked it back, scoring them three points. Eddy's and Ed's team groaned while Edric's team cheered for him, as he smirked and crossed his arms arrogantly and proudly. Double D nodded at him with a smile and added a point to his team.
"What?" JelaBitch said.
"Everyone has two roles here. Assassin and students. Teacher and target. It's a bizarre classroom this creature has created…" As Karasuma spoke, Koro Sensei was in the classroom, helping Sumire Hara, a somewhat large girl with brown hair tied into a ponytail and dark-brown eyes. Outside and crouching down below the window was Double D with his M4. Double D then brought the airsoft gun up, quickly aimed at the teacher, and fired a single shot. Korosensei blocked the shot with a clipboard. "… Not a place for easy answers or tidy resolutions. Or one we can afford to fit ourselves into simple categories. I understand wanting to take pride in yourself as a professional, but if you can't cut it as both an assassin and teacher, you're toast. You wanna stay here, keep at it? Fine, be my guest. Just treat those kids with respect."
Karasuma then turned around and walked away, leaving her to think long and hard about what he told her about the teacher and the students.
(Next Day - Class 3-E)
The class started, the students were back in the classroom. It was the period that was supposed to be their English class, but that was before the arrival of Miss JelaBitch. Now, everyone was just sitting or standing around talking to each other since she wasn't here yet. They all stopped when the door slid open and they were surprised to see it was Miss JelaBitch, only with a more serious face than yesterday. As the kids watched with wide eyes, she walked over to the chalkboard, her high-heel sandals clicking and clacking against the wooden floor before stopping.
She then picked up a white chalk and started writing on the board. When it's done, the board now says 'You are incredible in bed.' as she turned towards the students.
"What word does 'incredible' modify? You know this one." She said The students didn't answer and looked stunned and a little taken back at her. "Read it out loud."
"Y-You are incredible in bed." They said, not sure why they would ever say that out loud in public.
"I once took out a certain American VIP, literally." She told them. "I had my feminine grace to thank for getting me close to the target. The poor dupe fell for me hook, line, and sinker. 'You are incredible in bed,' he told me. 'Incredible', in this case, modifies the word 'you'. Any questions?"
Most of the classroom silently stared at her with white eyes, pink blushing faces, and a few drops of sweat. Looking at her with WTF looks.
'That's the example you use with Junior High kids?!' Nagisa exclaimed in his head.
"Okay!" Ed said, not really understanding what she said.
"Oi. Oi. Why use that example to us, Junior High Kids, Miss JelaBitch?" Edric asked, picking his nose and leaning against his desk.
"To learn grammar, you've got to see how it works in the real world. Like a full immersion course in foreign language. Take a lover that speaks it and you can't miss." She explained to him and the others. "I know grammar seems boring and technical, but it's what underpins how we communicate. Communication is key in my line of work, and in life. Whether speaking English, French, Portuguese, what have you, all people have an underlying need to express their feelings. That's why this is important. The examples may be risque, but they come from real-life scenarios. They will all have either been said by me, or to me by someone else. One day, you might use or hear them yourselves."
'Communication.' Okajima and Nakamura thought dreamingly, with the pervert thinking about a certain English female video game archaeologist and the blonde thinking about a certain live-action Disney pirate.
"Don't expect me to be like the octopus, he can help you with your entrance exams. Which isn't without value, I suppose. All I can do is help you learn the art of conversation. Here's a deal: if after a while, you think this is stupid, that I'm not a teacher, fine, I'll give up on my assignment and leave." Miss JelaBitch told them before her expression turned timid and held her hands together with her fingers sticking out as her cheeks turned pink. "So, this oughta put us on the level, right? Oh, and... I'm sorry about being…such a bitch."
"..."
The class became silent, letting what had happened sink in. With a new attitude, it was like they were staring at a different person. However, they surprised her by laughing in good nature.
"Hahahahahaha!"
"Wow, talk about a 180." Karma said. "First, you wanna kill us, now you're acting like a wuss."
"I gotta say, you make a more convincing teacher with this attitude." Maehara complimented the female assassin.
"Guess this means we shouldn't call you Miss Jelabitch anymore." Okana said.
"Eh." Eddy shrugged his shoulders with a smirk. "It was fun while it lasted."
"You're giving me a chance?" She gasped, placed a hand over her mouth, as an overwhelming feeling of joy and acceptance filled her body. "You're not upset with me? Not even you, Ed?"
"I forget what we're doing." Ed said, still being a simpleton.
"We were being pretty mean to you." Yada said
"To be totally fair, we didn't exactly get off on the right foot with that nickname." Kataoka confessed.
"Maybe not. But we've got to call her something" Okano said.
"So what do we call her?" asked Hinano. "We got to call her something."
"How about Miss Hellabitch?" Maehara suggested.
The moment of happiness came to a crashing halt for her with that name.
"Uh...or...We could just agree to move away from the whole 'bitch' motif altogether. I'm not opposed to going by Iina if you guys don't mind calling a teacher—" Miss JelaBitch suggested until Eddy interrupted her.
"Boring!" Eddy exclaimed, grinning his usual arrogant grin. "Face it, that's not going away any time soon!"
"I don't think that's rather appropriate, Eddy." Double D scolded him.
"Cheers for Professor Bitch!" Ed exclaimed happily, throwing up his hands in the air.
"Hey, that's a good one, Ed! Well, there you have it. Welcome to E-Class, Professor Bitch!" Edric with his goofy grin as he welcomed Miss Jelavic with her new nickname.
"Totally!" Kurahashi cheered.
"I vote for that one." Okajima said. "Professor Bitch all the way!"
"Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! BITCH~!" Ed sang.
But while they loved the new name for their new teacher and had fun with it, Irina felt unbridled rage and let out a furious shriek.
"I HATE YOU LITTLE TURDS SO MUCH!" Professor Bitch shouted.
"Hahahahahahahaha!"
While the class laughed and Professor Bitch yelled at them, Karasuma and Koro Sensei stood outside in the hallway and looked through the window.
"She seems to be settling in nicely." Koro Sensei commented.
"Eh. More or less." Karasuma said.
"Do you know who you're messing with?! I will end you!" They listened as she continued to yell at them, as the human male adult saw an opportunity to try and kill the octopus. He silently reached into his suit and started pulling out his M1911.
"Thank you for being a new teacher, Karasuma sensei." Koro Sensei said, making his hand stop before the airsoft pistol could be fully pulled out. "She's a bit rough around the edges perhaps, but a welcomed addition to our little family, I think. Who better to spice up the language arts syllabus than a globe-trotting assassin/temptress like her?"
While he didn't show it, Karasuma was a little astonished.
'Impossible. There's no way you've coulda seen this coming?' His thoughts asked as he watched the strange creature walk away down the hall, off to satisfy his very strong sweet tooth, before the government agent looked back in the classroom and watched as Professor Bitch yelled at the student for calling her adorable. 'Whenever he's pressed to say why he started teaching E-Class, he dodges the question. But whatever his reason, he's not only turned it into the perfect training ground for assassins. It may be the perfect training ground for life.'
(4th Wallbreak)
The scene froze as Erice came out of nowhere and replaced the scene with white background before facing the readers.
"Karasuma wasn't wrong about that. Koro Sensei had every one of us wrapped up in his tentacles. But then again, as long as we were able to be here, we didn't mind at all." He said as he took his Anti-Sensei bokuto and pointed to them. "We were ready to learn. Both as students and EDsassins. Let's do it!"
(Cue Silver by RIZE)
{Instrument}
(The scene showed the crescent moon as it zoomed out before it glitched showing Koro Sensei's face in its place. Lake Kiryu was showed as it panned up, Anti-Sensei rifle panning to the left, Anti-Sensei gun spun across the screen, and the EDsasssination Plan Journal panned downward. Back to the moon as glitched again, revealing the E-Class building.)
{Sora o koe yama o koe minato e touhon seisou asa kara ban made}
'Past the sky, over the mountains, city-bound on the go from morning until the night.'
{Toki o kakenukeru ima na o nokose miraieigou sekai no hate made}
'Running through time, leaving our names in this moment.'
(Edric was in a red black-lined shirt and a black yukata with red flames on the bottom holding Lake Kiryu while Yada stood next to him, wearing a blue yukata with floral design. Then Edric is shown in white silhouette, practicing with his sword by the E-Class building while the sun rises and sets. Eddy wore a white millionaire suit counting his money with Nakamura in an elegant dress having a drink. The Eds in whote silhouette were walking home passing by Kunugigaoka Junior High.)
{Wasshoi wasshoi wasshoi wasshoi Tataka waneba soko de owaru}
'Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! If we don't fight, it all ends right here!'
{Wasshoi wasshoi wasshoi wasshoi Mamoru yatsu ga iru hana ga chiru toki hana wa mau}
'Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! There's something we have to protect, the flowers dance while they fall.'
(The scene split horizontally as Edric appeared on top, then Eddy, Double D, finally Ed. Double D and Okuda are in lab coats as they work with some chemicals. The scene split vertically as Ed appeared, then Double D, Eddy, and Edric. Ed was in his monster costume as he rampaged on a city set while Fuwa recorded it on her phone. Changes to night as the moonlight shows a daisy sprouting from the ground.)
{Ah daiji na mono ga aru Ah Ah kawaranai mono ga aru}
'Ah, I have something important. Ah ah, I have something that doesn't change.'
Yeah! Yeah!
{kimi to ikiru koto kimi o mamoru yo}
I'll live on with you, I'll protect you.
I'm here to fight for you…Today!
(Nagisa was in a dress, much to his chagrin, while Kayano was trying out girly accessories on him as the scene zoomed out. E-Class does their regular shooting on Koro Sensei as he dodges them on Mach 20. Koro Sensei flew across the ocean before he sped up close to the screen as he gave his signature laughter.)
{Bakurai sairai kendo juurai}
'The bombs going off again, let's try twice as hard again'
{Bakurai sairai kendo juurai}
'The bombs going off again, let's try twice as hard again'
(The scene goes back to Lake Kiryu panning down as the Anti-Sensei rifle appeared and intersecting it. The spinning Anti-Sensei Gun and the Edsassination Journal appeared as they intersect the two. Then they stopped at each corner as the title appeared in the middle.)
Next Time - EDsassination #6: EDsembly Required