Before anything else: I'M SO SORRY I HAVEN'T BEEN WRITING! I hope this update will keep people happy for a little while more... >>

A/N: Okay, since most people got a little confused, Kadaj's little rating system goes like this: number of words to precipitate reaction/level of annoyance. Therefore, a 1/10 is better than a 1/5 or a 20/9. Hope that helps? ;;; Yaoi pairings usually go top/bottom.

Life is Not a Bed of Roses

03: Innocence is Relative

It had taken the liberal application of several heavy objects to Yazoo's head before he was ready to listen to a good reason why he should not have severed his brother's head from his body. As a consequence, he had not managed to raze the village and was in fact rather lost, considering that he had been unconscious for the span of a couple of days, during which Kadaj had taken the liberty of relocating them.

"Remind me again why I'm not even allowed to mutilate him?" muttered Yazoo, nursing a pounding headache.

"Because you work very well with him and you guys are pretty much useless apart," explain Kadaj in a patronizing tone of voice, a smirk playing over his face. "Besides, you love him that much, don't you?"

The older man twitched. Unfortunately, Velvet Nightmare had been temporarily confiscated. He was also made to take the lead, just so that Kadaj could keep him away from Loz. That was a good thing, right? Not that he wanted to be close to that infuriating... man, but hey, you can't kill someone without spilling blood. Well, you can't kill someone in an interesting way without spilling blood. In his opinion anyway.

"Alright, how about this: I'll talk to him and I promise to leave no permanent injuries."

"No breaking of limbs." DAMN. "No beating him up. No strangulation." Double DAMN. "And try not to screw him up too much."

"We are NOT SCREWING!"

"His mind, my brother, his mind," corrected Kadaj, grinning bemusedly at the agitated man. "Though it is strange that it is the first thing on your mind…"

The glare Yazoo sent him would have sent a lesser man running for a shovel to dig his own grave. Kadaj, however, merely smiled innocently at his elder brother and made a gesture as if to say, "Hey, I'm only stating facts here."

"It is on my mind," growled Yazoo between gritted teeth, "Because I want to know exactly what possessed my dear brother to pair me up with him."

"Surely it's because you're such a sexy bastard, Yazoo."

"Don't. Start."

Stifling a laugh, Kadaj picked up his cellphone and hit the autodial. "Loz, I think he's recovered enough," he said quietly. Then, "No, I don't plan on returning Velvet Nightmare to him anytime soon." And then a nervous laugh. "No, I don't think so. I mean, he wouldn't want to touch… What are you…? Never mind, I don't want to know."

Then he turned back to the road and to Yazoo, who had taken to glaring at the road in front. The view from here was, frankly, pretty good, and he could understand why Loz was interested. Heck, he'd probably be interested, if Loz hadn't freaked him out so much.

He'd known about this little crush since way, way back, because he'd woken up one night to find the larger man… doing some disturbing things that he had since blocked out of his memory. And since he found out, Loz found no reason not to tell Kadaj all about his weird and sexy dreams. In graphic detail.

If he hadn't forced himself to keep his mind clean, he'd probably have been doing some seriously odd stuff around Yazoo. Especially since he was in this position. Staring at Yazoo's back. Just his back. Really. His eyes were definitely not drifting lower and lower. Honest. And he was most assuredly not thinking of ways to get his brother to remove that bloody coat and to display that gorgeous leather-clad…

"Yazoo, there's an abandoned reactor up the road if you take the next left. We can take a break and you and Loz can have your little heart-to-heart," he called, before his mind could proceed any further.

If he had seen the look on Yazoo's face, that look of pure, triumphant evil… maybe he would have made a better decision. Or maybe he would have collapsed into a puddle of fanboyism. Who knew?

However, when they did come to the reactor and when Kadaj had made himself scarce muttering something about cosmic interference affecting his connection with mother, Yazoo found his anger swiftly disappearing.

It was difficult to remain in a rage when Loz stared at him like a puppy that knew it would be tortured, but remained standing firm because its owner said so. Now he was merely annoyed at himself for caving. Yazoo sighed loudly and sat down on a nice piece of rubble, motioning for his younger brother to sit beside him. Just not that close, thank you very much.

"Do you know why I'm extremely mad at you?" asked Yazoo as though speaking to a very small child.

Loz nodded meekly. "Because I like you very much."

Yazoo winced. When he put it that way… No. NO. "No, my dear brother, it's because you have sexual fantasies about me," he corrected, crossing his arms. "And you don't seem to want to change that, even though it's abnormal."

"Since when were we normal?" Loz looked over at him, looking as though he was trying not to cry.

"Well, we… I mean… it's…" Yazoo stammered. Damn it, he just couldn't concentrate when Loz was making that face. He gave up, palm meeting forehead in a loud and painful gesture. "Look, I just don't like it, ok? It gives me the creeps. Why can't you find someone else to dream about?"

"Coz Kadaj is not as pretty as you."

"I SO AM!"

Yazoo stared at the now blushing boy, then shook his head. "Someone, please tell me that there has been a mistake," he muttered. "And that I'm not related to either of these people."

Ignoring the indignant 'Hey!' from Kadaj and Loz's rapidly watering eyes, he glared at the two of them before stalking off. At least they understood body language for 'leave me the fuck alone'.

-

Getting angry wasn't going to get anything done. Then again, neither he nor his progenitor was known for tolerance. He did, however, seem to have a shorter temper than the legendary Sephiroth. Or it could just be because of Loz. That troublesome, annoying, whining, emotional little boy. Not so little anymore, but no less trouble.

His trouble.

And that was the trouble. Because, against his will, he was beginning to see Loz as belonging to him. Not in the way that silly boy wanted to, either. It was the possessiveness born of being stuck together with a single someone for most of your life.

As loathed as he was to admit it, Loz was probably one reason why he was still (reasonably) sane. Dealing with a weepy little boy was a tiresome and distracting task. He simply never had the time nor the capacity to consider his life long enough to lose his sanity.

Now that they were out here, things had changed. He probably shouldn't have blamed his brother for inappropriate reactions. Different people reacted differently to situations, after all.

Having cooled down sufficiently, Yazoo settled into a suitably hidden corner.

First, a review of the situation. What could be causing Loz's little problem? Lack of exposure, for one. It was a little late to change that, if his little experiment told him anything. Lack of other partners. Brothers who were available.

Hey.

That was it! If he couldn't remove Loz from the picture, all he had to do was remove himself!

"Yazoo, you're a genius," he laughed, a borderline psychotic sound. Pulling out his deck of cards (yes, that one), he flipped through them until he came to one that he liked. Right. Showtime.

-

In the interim, Kadaj had bullied Loz into gathering firewood, building a fire, building a fire in the shape of Mother (though due to limitations in materials and imagination, it turned out rather like a giant burning squid), putting out said fires because the smoke could be seen from miles away and clearing away enough of the cinders so as not to choke on the dust.

Bothering Yazoo was so much more interesting.

It was at that moment when Yazoo decided to stumble back to them, looking oddly flushed. That was also the moment Kadaj decided on a new game, since he'd maxed out the score for his previous one.

"You look hot," he called out, sniggering inwardly at the anticipated response. It never came. Yazoo merely smiled serenely at him. And unzipped his jacket.

In all the time they had been together, he had never seen what Yazoo wore under that coat. Sure, he'd seen Yazoo in other getups (something that inspired him to insist on uniforms), but he never found out what Yazoo was wearing under that hot, leather coat. Now he knew.

Nothing.

Yazoo appeared not to notice that Kadaj was now staring at him with a glazed look that implied certain thoughts involving said coat, the removal of and a motorcycle.

"Yazoo? Are you still mad?" came Loz's voice. He took half a step back when his brother turned with the same, serene smile.

"I've figured it out," replied Yazoo.

Loz blinked at him. "Are you okay? You look a little…"

"I need to find her."

"Yaz…"

"Her!" yelled Yazoo, flashing the card at his brother. He grinned, a more familiar, cruel grin. "You see, since you don't want any of them, I figured, why don't I get one instead? Then you can turn your attentions to your gay brother."

"Hey! I'm not interested in guys!" protested Kadaj, snapping out of his reverie.

Yazoo shrugged back his coat a little more.

"… Fine. You win."

Huffily, Kadaj stormed over and peered at the card Loz was now holding.

"What has she got that we haven't?" muttered Kadaj.

"Boobs, for one. And a figure. A good figure."

Loz and Kadaj stared at the poker card a little longer.

"Alright, that's it. New rule: we're keeping it in the family."

-

A/N: ahaha… bows for forgiveness for the (sort of) cliff-hanger ending