A/N: I know that two chapters back, I said I'd update weekly. This is not a week. Alright, no more empty promises. Just the truth.

I'M SORRY!!!!

In this ficcie, it is assumed that the clones grew up in a lab somewhere and had many years of past interaction. Somewhere in the process of writing chapter 3, I got my hands on the official English version of the movie. And I came to the conclusion that this is not the case.

I have issues with canonical correctness. So it gave me a serious case of writer's block, until I decided that I could just see this as an AU where the clones did grow up in a lab somewhere, and use the canonical universe somewhere else.

Namely, "Resonance", my other completely unrelated Advent Children fic that reflects my FFVII world theory. If you're interested in something more serious with a six-year old Loz, Cloud suffering from post traumatic stress disorder and Yazoo wanting to tear Sephiroth a new one, you can go check it out.

Life is Not a Bed of Roses

04: If clothes made a man… TAKE THAT OFF!

Someone peeped around the corner, looking out for the telltale flash of silver hair that meant his brothers were in the area. That particular someone had stuffed his own little silver waterfall up a ratty looking cap he'd lifted off some kid. With his hair hidden and uniform safely tucked away with his bike, he was quite certain that he wouldn't be recognised. For awhile, at least. But that was all the time he needed.

Stepping out from the little back alley, he adjusted his stolen clothes while fashionistas everywhere passed out in sheer horror. He was actually quite proud of his outfit, having browsed several clotheslines to pick it out. A grey t-shirt that might have been a rag in its previous life together with knee-length sunshine yellow and primary green striped shorts. The ratty cap that remembered being blue and red in its youth completed the rather sorry outfit, which he wore with his boots because shoes were difficult to find.

There was a symphony of shrill screams at the back of his head.

"What was that about?" wondered Yazoo, not realising that he was hearing the screams of the myriad of fangirls who had just had their faith in the fashion sense of sexy bastards irreparably shattered.

It was the main reason behind Kadaj's insistence on uniforms.

But that was beside the point. The point of his little endeavor, which included disguises and hiding, was to get himself off the market.

Kadaj had been dead set against the very idea of it. It was two against one and had ended with Yazoo tied to his motorcycle without his lovely leather coat. It also resulted in the confiscation of the deck of cards, which wasn't really much of a loss. It was hardly possible that the Honeybee was still around after Midgar was effectively turned into a history lesson on 'why tinkering with alien cells is never a good idea'.

After some sweet-talking and suggestive grinding on the bike, he'd convinced those two salivating perverts to give him his coat back, whereupon he'd promptly hightailed out of there. Oh sure, they gave chase, but he was flying like the hoards of hell were at his heels. Which gave him enough time to find a little village to take a breather and search for a suitable partner.

"Mother, I don't wish to complain but… I mean… I love my brothers as much as the next guy, but why couldn't they have been a little more… normal?" he asked fervently in his mind. "I can take sibling rivalry. I can accept it if they want to one-up me or to kill me, but, dear Mother, INCEST?!"

He figured that if he looked happy enough with a girl of his dreams, his brothers would be nice enough to take a step back and think about his happiness. And stop with the incestuous advances already! Loz could probably be guilted into it. Kadaj might be a little more of a problem, but somehow, it was less disturbing to imagine his littlest brother fantasizing about him.

Yazoo thought about that for a moment. Somehow, he had this feeling that their motorcycles would be involved. And, judging by the seemingly endless supply of chains Kadaj was able to produce on demand, probably bondage. A shudder went through our silver-haired protagonist. He was wrong. It was just as disturbing. Possibly more.

But he could worry about their reactions later. After all, the worst they could do would be to kill the girl. First, he had to find himself a girl who would be willing to be his girlfriend. Was that even possible?

Gearing himself up to go, he said a little prayer, "Oh, Mother, please let me find a girlfriend in this godforsaken village. Please let her have nice D-cups like the 8 of hearts of the Best of Honeybee. Also, a tight ass wouldn't hurt either. And I like black hair. As in, really. Long or short doesn't really matter, so long as it's natural."

Somewhere in the world, Jenova sighed and increased the psychic prodding on Kadaj's mind. She missed the days when all she had to listen to were plans for world domination and rants about a certain blonde.

-

For a moment, he was stunned. He'd thought that this was merely one of those no-name villages that popped up conveniently along wherever they were going, populated by one or two families who never showed their faces. Instead, he'd hit paydirt.

Girls. Plenty of them, in all sorts of shapes and colours. And they all seemed to be giggling at him too.

Then, he saw her. A veritable goddess, with a nice set of curves. And he meant nice in the sense that he wasn't going to see her face for at least another few minutes, even as she sashayed over to him.

"What are you staring at, freak?" she snapped, grabbing his face physically and turning it upward away from her ample bosom. The violence of this action knocked off the ratty baseball cap, letting down a cascade of luxurious silver hair that glittered and shone in the sunlight and exposing Yazoo's fair face to everyone in the area. There was a collective intake of breath.

In the next moment, the world exploded into a riot of colour and sound. Confused, Yazoo let himself be dragged off to, presumably, safety. What the hell just happened? And why did he smell blood in the air?

"Sorry about that," drawled the 'goddess'. "The girls get a little excited when they see a fresh face here. But I saw you first."

"Sorry…?" Once more, Yazoo found his eyes drifted downwards. Once more, a pair of hands firmly redirected his gaze. He found himself staring into a pair of intensely dark chocolate eyes that sparkled with some mysterious inner light. Her face was as beautiful as her body and, best of all, her hair was a lustrous sheet of midnight. He slowly became aware that his mouth was wide open.

"My name is Maremaria Shuzette Delacour," she cooed to him. "But my friends call me Mary Sue. What's your name, cutie?"

"Y… Yazoo," he stammered. In spite of all his bravado and bluster, he had never really talked to a woman before. Sure, there had been those discreet encounters in alleyways when he found the time to escape his brothers, but those hardly counted. He wasn't just looking for a lay; he was looking for a girlfriend.

To stop his brothers from obsessing over him.

Reminded of his mission, Yazoo snapped back into focus. He offered a smile to… Mary Sue, was it? "I'm pleased to meet you, Miss," he continued, flicking back his hair casually in an extremely nonchalantly sexy way that made Mary Sue tremble in delight.

What was the next step again? Oh, yea, the date. "Would you like to go out for a meal with me?"

His goddess giggled charmingly. Then, a little more seriously, "Only if you change out of that godawful outfit."

-

At first, when they'd entered the village, they weren't sure that they were in the right place. After all, these villages popped out like mushrooms after storms, conveniently. Then they heard about the carnage that had resulted around a 'beautiful silver-haired man' who had 'the fashion sense of a dead and rotting llama'. Yea, they were in the right place alright.

It was creepy though. Everywhere they went, they felt eyes on them, but when they turned to look, there was no one there.

"Are you sure he's here?" asked Loz finally, edging ever closer to his little brother.

"I saw tire tracks," confirmed Kadaj, discreetly stepping nearer his elder brother as well. "And silver hair isn't that common, last I checked."

They smelt it before they saw it, the area where the riot had occurred. Blood and perfumes infused the air with a sickly sweet smell that induced nausea. Broken mirrors, acrylic nails and compacts littered the ground. But there was no one there anymore.

As one, the two silver-haired men turned slowly to face the presence that had been tailing them.

They screamed.

-

"Hrm?"

"What is it, darling?" asked Mary Sue, looking up from her calorie-free float at her new prize catch. The look on his face was just adorably confused that she had to giggle.

Now clad in a flowing midnight blue poet's shirt and skinny jeans, he was the picture of perfection, all elegance and poise. He also thought he had just heard his brothers screaming. But that was ridiculous. What in the world could make them scream in fear like that?

"Nothing, dear," he replied, gagging slightly at the second word. Alright, so he wasn't used to this. But for the sake of his sanity (sanity? Hah!), he needed to do this. "I was just thinking that I'd like you to meet my brothers."

Brothers? Her eyes lit up slyly. What were the chances that his brothers would look as good and have better fashion senses? "Brothers?" she echoed, brushing her hand 'accidentally' against his. "If they're anything like you, I'd love to meet them."

The next few moments happened like this:

The door slammed open, admitting two black and silver blurs before promptly slamming shut. There were a few thuds on said door. Tables and chairs migrated to the doorway to keep the door from opening again. Yazoo stood up, mouth slightly parted in shock.

Mary Sue finished one blink.

By this time, the two black and silver blurs had attached themselves to him like barnacles to a whale.

"Help! They're going to EAT us!" wailed Loz, hugging Yazoo so tightly around the neck that the elder brother was beginning to turn blue.

"You bastard! Why the hell did you have to come into this godforsaken place?" yelled Kadaj, hugging Yazoo around the waist and 'accidentally' repeatedly molesting his eldest brother.

The next second found one silver haired man landing on and breaking a nearby table and the other pinned by Yazoo's foot, which was placed in a very, very uncomfortable area.

Then there was silence, save for the muffled screams from outside.

"Uh, Yazoo…"

"Do you want to have kids at some point in the future?" demanded Yazoo in a frightening calm voice.

"No, can't say I've ever thought about…!" Kadaj let out a very out-of-character squeak when his eldest brother increased pressure on his foot.

"How about sex?" Step.

"I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Yazoo was going to savour this moment forever. The great and mighty Kadaj apologising? To him? A soft giggle interrupted his moment of evil triumph.

Three pairs of green eyes turned to the black haired bombshell.

"Your brothers?" she laughed.