2014 Elizabeth

Blake meets me at the elevator. He's holding a chocolate croissant and a latte. I give him a small smile. Here goes nothing, I can't keep this secret anymore. I need to face the music. I ask him to come with me to my office. I walk in and ask him to sit across form me as I settle into my desk for the day.

"Henry left me." It's the first time I've said it out loud. I take a moment to let the words sink in. Blake looks shocked, he is sitting there prepped to take a dictated email or letter, and instead I just dropped a bomb on him. I can't blame him for being so shocked really. If you would have asked me even a year ago that this would happen I would've laughed.

"I-I'm so sorry ma'am" And he is. I can see the pity on his face. That makes me angry. How could Henry the person I love most in this world hurt me enough to make Blake show me that amount of pity.

"Me too." I say allowing myself to show a little emotion. "I'm going to need your help Blake, and as always your discretion." We go on to discuss finding a divorce lawyer. Thinking about the fact that I even need a divorce lawyer makes my skin feel like it's on fire. Knowing that my marriage will end this way hurts. I try to take refuge in math the way I always do. Fifty percent of marriages, mine happens to be one of them.

I soon find myself at the White House for the weekly NSC brief. Conrad can tell something is off. He keeps looking over at me, studying me. He's being subtle about it in a way that a spy should, but I was also a spy so picked up on it about two minutes into the meeting.

"Bess hang back" he says it with complete authority, however, I know that this is not going to be a POTUS/SecState talk, but a friend talk instead.

"Are you okay?" he asks once everyone has left the oval. He is sitting in on the couch opposite of the one I'm sitting on. He crosses his legs and rests his hands on his knees the way a father does when he's waiting on an answer.

I let a few beats pass, "No, sir. I'm not okay." I decide then to rip off the Band-Aid. I know that once Conrad knows, then Russel will know, and soon the whole world will know too. There will be press and articles. There will be speculations and accusations. There will be no regard for my privacy, or for the kids, or for Henry. They will take photos of me crying or laughing or just sitting somewhere and print them on websites and tabloids. My own personal hell will be spread across twitter and Instagram for people's entertainment.

"Henry left." Its not as robotic this time as it was in my office. The phrase starts to repeat itself, over and over. Henry left, Henry left, Henry left...

"Oh my God, he left." I can't hold back the tears. I'm crying about my husband leaving me in the Oval Office in front of the President and I can't get the tears to stop. Conrad gets up and moves to sit next to me. He just sits and lets me cry for a while. I am eventually able to stop crying as Russel comes in to get Conrad for another meeting.

Now, I'm sitting with Russel in his office wants to talk about making a statement before the news gets out on its own. "That would make it worse, you know. I'm just looking out for you." And I choose to believe him.

2014 Henry

I've been house hunting today. Elizabeth agreed that Allison could stay home from school to go with me. Ally seems to be the one taking this the hardest. I wish I knew how to help her. I caused this, I caused her to be scared about the future. Allison has always been our most sensitive child. It was her intuition that made Elizabeth take the pregnancy test that told us about Jason. When she was eighteen months old she kept pointing at Elizabeth's belly and saying "Baby, Baby, Baby" the first few times we laughed it off, but she kept doing it. Come to find out two days later that baby McCord number three was indeed on the way.

We are looking at a house in DC proper, when Noodle comes running in from the back of the house, "it's got a built in library, daddy." She hasn't called me Daddy sense she was five. I make a metal note to make sure that she knows that I am not leaving her, I would never leave any of my children. But of course she, most likely thought that I'd never leave her mother either.

We stop to pick up dinner for all of us. Elizabeth had texted Allison and said she was going to be late. I ate dinner with all of the kids at the house in Georgetown. Jason is telling about his game. "Make sure you get an Xbox for your house dad, that way we can still play even when I'm here and your there." I promised him that I would.

Stevie has been notably quiet since I walked in the house. She keeps looking up at me, giving me a particular dirty look that Elizabeth made famous. I've always been known as the Stevie whisperer, it's in this moment looking at her that I now realize it's because I was also once the Elizabeth whisperer. As I send Allison and Jason to do homework, I get up to start clearing the table.

"I got it Dad, you don't live here anymore." She keeps her voice neutral. But it's clear, Stevie has decided that her mother was lying last night and that there are sides to be taken. I put my arms up in surrender. I don't want to fight with her. I don't want to make it worse than it already is.

"You should leave before Mom gets home." She shuffles around waiting for me to walk out of the door. Before I do, I turn around.

"I love you, Stephanie." It is a simple and true statement. I hope she can see that. I walk out of the door and get into my car. I decide that I need to tell my siblings before there is any word of it in the press. I dial Maureen.

"Well if it isn't my brother who never calls." She answers. I suddenly get excited to talk to her. She has never liked Elizabeth. I chose to call her instead of Shane or Erin, because I know she won't talk me out of leaving. In fact I know she'll do the opposite. I need this phone call. I need someone on my side. On the side of justice and truth. I need to be validated. I need the anger to be justified. She shares the anger, we got it from our Dad after-all. I just used to be better at hiding it, hell, I used to be petrified of it. But now, since Dad's been gone, since Dimitri's been gone, I'm drowning in it, and I like it.