Authors Note: I go back to work tomorrow, so the updates will likely only be once a week from now on. Thanks for sticking with me
Elizabeth 2015
It's here. Today is the day, that I will sign the papers in front of witnesses to dissolve my marriage. It's been three months since he left. I found that I can sleep better if I cocoon myself with pillows and blankets, but it makes it harder to actually get out of bed. I need to pick out an outfit, one that makes me feel powerful. I muster up the strength I have and get out of bed. Today is going to be a log one.
Henry 2015
I startle awake again. I haven't been sleeping. I wake up every night from nightmares I can't remember. When I wake up I just feel cold and scared. I find myself reaching for Elizabeth every night, in the moments between sleeping and waking. She's never there, and it's my fault. My heartrate is high and I know that there is no use in trying to lower it today. Nothing will feel good today.
Elizabeth
In the shower I'm thinking about the practicalities that come along with divorce. If I'm being honest, it's been the only thing carrying me through this. I've just been so busy. I've had the kids the majority of the last three months, and they've all required extra attention, Stevie especially. I've had to get bank records to lawyers, and update my will and power of attorney. I've had to argue about splitting assets and houses. Henry's lawyer was going on and on one day about giving him the farmhouse I didn't need both houses, which is laughable. Henry had to gently remind his blond bombshell of a lawyer that I grew up in that house and I am the one that owns the horses that live there.
Henry
I finally break in the shower. I haven't cried, not once in the last three months. When I think about how after today, I won't be able to call Elizabeth my wife, I can't hold back the surprising tears. Is this how she's felt since the day I left? My heart is pounding out of my chest and I can't get enough air. My body is going numb. What is happening to me? Am I dying? I have to be dying.
Elizabeth
Looking through my closet, I decide to go with the royal blue blazer that Henry always liked. I would think that I'm above that High School, make him regret it bullshit, but apparently I'm not. I will look the best I've ever looked walking into that room today. My hair is perfectly waved, not one strand out of place. My makeup is subtle and I'm wearing my glasses. I catch a glimpse of myself on my way out of the house, and think I'm really serving up Henry's type on silver platter.
Henry
I look up when she walks into the room. She is stunning. It reminds me of the first time I saw her. She was reading in the library at UVA, and she was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Her nose deep in a book on foreign policy sat on top of an advanced Calculus textbook. I remember thinking how starkly contrasting those two things were. I took me five minutes to work up the nerve to talk to her. Once I did, I was astonished by our instant chemistry. We sat and talked for a few hours, and kept talking while I walked her to her dorm. She gave me a kiss on the cheek before I left and told me "remember to ask me to dinner sometime" She handed me her number and I called her when I got back to my apartment.
Elizabeth
He looks tired. It's the first thing I notice when I walk into the room. He seems to be hiding it well, but I know him. I've only seen the look on his face once before, when he got back from Iraq. I suddenly remember the nightmares Jason told me about. I know that losing Dimitri was a trauma for him. I know he feels guilty. I know he thinks I betrayed him. Could this all be PTSD? No, it can't be. I have it and I never once thought about leaving him. It has to be that he just doesn't want to be married anymore.
Henry
I'm not paying attention. Suddenly, the papers are placed in front of me with a pen. I pick the pen up and it feels heavy. I can't resist looking up at her one more time. My heart is pounding. I open my mouth to speak, to stop this, but nothing comes out. The words can't get passed the ball that has lodged itself in my throat. I try to catch her eyes with mine, but she's not looking at me. Please Elizabeth, ask me to come home. I can't do this anymore. I know I caused you pain. I thought leaving would take all my pain away away. But I still can't speak. She picks up the pen and with unshed tears she signs away our marriage, and I do to.
Elizabeth
The papers are being placed in front of me now. I stare at them for a few seconds. I'm daring myself to look at him, but I can't. Having to look up at him and seeing him be so resolute and unyielding, will break me even more, if that's possible. I want to scream at him. Is this what you really want? Please speak now, tell me not to sign. I don't want to do this. But I pick up the pen, and sign my name. Elizabeth McCord, or Adams now, I guess. I look up at my lawyer and ask if that's all, he nods and I leave the room.
Henry
She leaves the room quickly, I try to get my legs to stand, to run after her, but they don't move. It's done, this shouldn't shock me, I asked for this. It was supposed to make me feel better. I'm not supposed to feel like this anymore. I get and leave making it to my car. I start the car and the radio starts playing Peter Frampton. I have turned into God's personal joke. If there even is a God, these days I'm not so sure. I need Elizabeth.
Elizabeth
I get in the motorcade and tell them to take me home. I manage to get a text over to Nadine and Blake letting them know, that I will be taking the whole day after all. I just can't bring myself to play Madam Secretary today. I need to go scream and cry. I need to lay in the dark and let it take me. I need to do that before the kids come home and need me to play mom. I need Henry.