Henry
My last class for the day ended a half hour ago. I'm supposed to be on my way to therapy. This will be the fourth appointment I've skipped. It's been 6 months since the divorce has been finalized. I just can't bring myself to sit across from a shrink and tell them how terrible I am. So instead, I'm sitting in my office when I see an add from a travel agency about "Mt. Kailash: Erase the sins of a lifetime!" it sounds appealing, I have done that pilgrimage before, when I got out of the Marines. I wonder if it really worked back then. I don't think it did, I still carry those sins. I'm a murderer, sure I followed "lawful orders" and I never had to see anyone that I was bombing. But, I looked Dimitri in the eye, I told him he was going to be fine, and I got him killed.
I also promised Elizabeth, that I would never hurt her. I promised her that I would be the person to help her build trust, and build love. She, like most people who lose their parents as children, had trouble letting herself be loved. But I put in the work, and I gained her trust, and I loved her. I loved her hard. And then I destroyed her. I took her heart that she willingly and lovingly put in my hands, and I tore it up. But the thing is, I don't deserve her, she's too good. She has always been too good for me.
I haven't been pulling my fair share with the kids either. Stevie still won't talk to me. I try to text her every day, so she knows that I love her and that I'm sorry. Allison is always talking about coming to stay with me, but she never actually follows through, she usually blames it on Elizabeth, but I know better. Jason texts me the most out of all of them. He usually asks about the cultures and laws of other countries, his questions usually coincide with Elizabeth's trips. I just don't feel like I deserve to be their dad. I don't feel I deserve anything good. Maybe I will reschedule that appointment… again.
Elizabeth
"I just don't know how to handle all of it by myself." I'm sitting across from Dr. Sherman complaining about my kids. They were all handling everything pretty well until very recently. Stevie misses Henry, she won't admit to it, but even though she's pissed at him, she's always been a daddy's girl. Allison is mad at me most of the time. She thinks it's my fault they stay in Georgetown with me more than they see their dad, I am always reminding her that she is old enough to just call her dad and go stay with him for as long as she wants. Jason is trying to play "man of the house", he has become clingy and protective. He likes to know where I am and what trips I'm planning and to make sure that I stay safe. I am finding the need over and over again lately to remind myself that I love being a mom. But I never planned on parenting alone.
"Maybe you don't have to handle it all alone." She suggests. What does she mean, of course I have to do it alone. Henry didn't leave me with a choice in that matter. My confusion must show because she clarifies "Call Henry, tell him you need to look into a formal custody agreement." A formal agreement? No, I can't do that. What if he says I work too much? Jason's still little, really, he's only thirteen. I don't want the five years I have left with him to be shortened to every other weekend.
"You're spiraling." I look up at her, and nod.
"I can't ask for a formal agreement, I don't think I could handle a custody battle." But can I call him for help? They are his kids too. He loves them just as much as I do. We spend the rest of the appointment going over techniques to prevent the spiraling. We've gone over them before, and one day maybe I'll remember to use them.
Henry
My phone rings during Jeopardy. It's Elizabeth. I hesitate before answering. "Hey…" I feel awkward, we haven't talked to each other in months.
"Hey, I need to talk to you about the kids." She sounds like she's trying and failing to be strong. My heart drops when she mentions the kids. Is she going to take them away from me? I know it's what I deserve, really, but I can't imagine having to live life without them.
"Are they okay?" I need to make sure that none of them are hurt.
Elizabeth
"Are they okay?" he sounds like his worry is quickly turning into distress.
"They're fine… well, they are physically fine, anyway." It's feels weird to ask him for help. During these pasts nine months since he left, I've learned how to lean on myself. I hear him exhale in relief. Maybe we can figure out co-parenting. Our kids need us to figure it out.
Henry
"They're fine… well, they are physically fine, anyway." I let out a sigh. Physically fine is good. I know that the clarification means that they're not fine emotionally. I caused it. I caused my kids to feel pain. I feel the darkness start to come back. It's wading in little by little. I feel my breathing quicken and I try to stall it. I stand up to start pacing my living room. I have it set up in order for me to be able to do this, I have a carefully crafted straight line that spans the room. I've spent many nights pacing it over and over.
Elizabeth
"I was just thinking that, um maybe, we can start going more fifty-fifty with the kids. I think they need you, they need both of us." I stop short of telling him I need help. I don't want to admit that. It makes me feel like a failure. He's not answering. Does he not want to have Allison and Jason half the time? Is he already moving on? Does he want to- I take a deep belly breath. I'm going to stop the spiral.
Henry
"Henry?" The way she says my name stops me in my tracks. I can see her worried face so clearly in my mind. The way her brow furrows, and her lips pouting.
"I'm sorry, I didn't get that, you were cutting out." I lie. I can't let her know what actually happened. It would not be fair for me to ask her to be worried about me now. She asks me to take the kids more. She wants me to have them tomorrow. She make a comment about how she can't make Stevie do anything, but she'd like Allison and Jason to come to my house from school. I agree, I've had nine months to wallow by myself in a dark empty house. I decide that I will actually go to that next appointment. It might be too late to ever fix things with Elizabeth, but I can still try with my kids.