Ch. 10- A Broken Spirit and a Shattered Heart

A/N: so, I was going to update yesterday, but the stupid site was being, well, stupid...anyways, here is the new chapter, sorry for the wait- I would just like to say that this is one of my favoritechapters in this story so far and Ilove it, don't ask me why. so, here it is, Chapter 10:p(ps, jsut in case you didn't know it, I IN NO WAY, SHAPE OR FORM OWN ANYTHING OF HARRY POTTER...I mean, c'mon, if I did, do you think I would be sitting here writting fanfiction?)

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Nobody's home- Avril Lavigne

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When I woke up, I felt a pressure on top of me and a dull pain in my abdomen area. I was disoriented for a minute and then everything came rushing back to me. I shifted my head and I saw that Jon was the pressure on top of me. I opened my mouth to scream, but he shot a silencing charm at me.

He went on for a while longer, I'm not sure exactly how long. All I could think about was how stupid I'd been. I should've told the guys what was really going on. I shouldn't have tried to walk away. Jon wasn't being gentle and what was worse, he seemed to be enjoying himself. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he stood up, zipped his pants, and looked down at me with a satisfied smirk.

"Now, you can't leave me. I've left my mark and nobody will want you now." He said, smugly. It was true and I hated to admit it. He took the silencing charm off and I had no energy left to talk, let alone scream.

Then he left; he just walked away and left me there. I laid there for a long time, curled up into the fetal position, tears streaming down my face. Eventually, I got up and covered myself with my robe as best I could. I was bloody, but I didn't care. I made my way up to the castle slowly and I walked through it like a zombie. I stopped at the Hospital wing and took some birth control and virus potions from Madame Pomfrey's cabinet. And then I went up to my dorm, showered and cleaned myself off, drank the potions and climbed into bed. I was asleep before my head hit the pillow.

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The next day, I woke up as the other girls were getting ready. I felt horrible and I didn't really feel like putting the effort into putting on a show for the day. So, I just slept instead. I knew the guys would be worried, but I couldn't face them. I couldn't face Jon, either. I felt so ashamed of myself for allowing it to happen. If only I had been smarter or stronger, it wouldn't have happened. But, only Jon and I knew about it, and that's how it was going to stay.

"Hey, Joie, wake up." I felt someone shaking my shoulder. It was Lily. "Are you feeling okay? It's just that James and Sirius and Remus wanted me to check on you, seeing as you haven't gotten out of bed all day."

"I'm alright, just a bit sick." I said, groggily.

"Alright, well, I'll let them know." She said, somewhat uncertainly and then she left.

I didn't go to lessons for the next couple of days. I just wanted to curl up and die, really. But, I figured that if I stayed in bed much longer the teachers would get involved. So, I dragged myself out of bed three days after the "incident" as I referred to it and went to class.

"Hey, you feeling better?" James asked, as I walked into the Common Room.

"No." I said, flatly. He raised his eyebrows at me.

"Well, maybe you should go see Madame Pomfrey." He suggested. "God, you gave us a scare, thought you died. And Jon's been really worried about you." He added. My pulse leaped at the sound of Jon's name, but I kept my face impassive.

"She can't help me. It's nothing." I said, my voice still flat. I didn't mean to sound so distant and cold, but that's how it was coming out. James gave me a funny look, but didn't really press any further.

"Well, alright, then. Here are the notes you missed, and the homework." He said, handing me a bunch of parchment.

"Thanks." I said, and I walked out the Common Room and I went to my first class- Ancient Runes.

The month of October passed and I'd managed to distance myself from everyone. I spent most of my time hidden away in the astronomy tower until curfew. Then I would go back to Gryffindor tower and head straight to my dorm. At first the guys had tried to beckon me back down, but now they never said anything. I never talked anymore and I think my voice stopped working because of the lack of use. I skipped all meals and instead I ate in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep. I slept through all of my classes and so I never knew what was going on. My grades were suffering and I looked terrible. There were dark rings under my eyes, which were blood shot, and I felt as if I was walking around in a daze. Jon hadn't spoken to me since that night and I never gave him a chance to.

One day, in the middle of November, I was walking to the library when I felt someone tap my shoulder. It was dinnertime and so I assumed that almost everyone was down in the Great Hall. I looked around, but I didn't see anybody. I thought that I'd finally lost my mind and that I could die in peace now. But then, I felt a hand clamp around my mouth from behind and an arm snake around my waist and then I felt a very strong and very invisible person dragging me backward into a classroom. My pulse quickened and I was on the verge of a panic attack. Once inside the door was closed and locked and the person let go of me. I turned around to see Sirius coming out from under the invisibility cloak and James and Remus standing behind him. I let out a sigh of relief.

"What are you guys doing?" I asked, wearily. I wasn't in the mood for a prank.

"This, my dear, is called an intervention." James said, seriously. "There's something wrong with you and we're not leaving here until we find out what it is. I mean, I can't tell you how many times Jon has come up to us lately and demanded to know what's wrong with you. He says that you won't talk to him."

"And don't try to deny it." Remus said, firmly. I thought about protesting and telling them that nothing was wrong and that they were over reacting. But then I realized I didn't have the energy to deny it anymore.

"Fine, I won't deny it. There is something going on." I said, and they all exchanged a smug look. "But I'm not telling you what it is."

"Why not?" Sirius asked, looking at me in disbelief. "You can tell us anything, that's what friends are for."

"Yeah, well, I can't tell you this." I said, turning my back to them. Tears were threatening to spill over my eyes.

"Why? Is it because you don't think you can trust us?" Sirius said, anger filling his voice. "I mean, you haven't said a word to us in almost two months and even before that we hardly ever saw you!"

"Sirius, stop." Remus said.

"No, Remus, she's going to tell us what's going on. We deserve to know!" He said, his voice rising. "Jesus, Joie, we're supposed to be your best friends, but apparently you don't think so." He added. His words stung deeper than anything else in the past couple months had.

"It's no that." I said, quietly. Tears were streaming down my face now.

"Then what is it? I mean, what's so bad that you can't tell us?" Sirius asked, and I was afraid to turn around. I honestly thought he might snap. But I forced myself to.

"It's got nothing to do with you guys, honestly." I said, making myself look at them instead of the ground. "It's just, I'm too ashamed to say it."

"Ashamed of what?" James asked, frowning. I sat down on one the desks Indian style, thinking of how to word it.

"Of what happened." I said, my voice quiet. I was skirting around saying it, but I hadn't said the actual words of what had happened to me out loud. It was as if saying them aloud made the whole ordeal even more real than it already was.

"What happened?" Remus asked, as Sirius took a step closer to me. I involuntarily scooted back from him. I knew it was the Marauders and that I could trust them, but I hadn't let myself within arm's reach of anybody- especially guys- since that night. Sirius noticed this and the look in eyes broke my heart.

"I'm not going to hurt you." He said, quietly, his voice now filled with sadness.

"I know, just don't come any closer." I said, tears still falling form my eyes. "I don't think I can handle it."

"Joie, what happened? Please, tell us." He pleaded. Damn you, Sirius, I thought, damn you for being the only one able to make me break.

"Jon raped me." I said, barely above a whisper. My words hung in the air and they just stood there and stared at me. Then I relived the whole thing, telling them everything.

"A month and a half ago?" James said, in disbelief. "Why the bloody hell didn't you say something?"

"I couldn't." I said. I was sobbing now. "Don't think I wanted to? But I couldn't. I've been too ashamed."

"Oh, god, you're not, you know, pregnant, are you?" Sirius asked, in alarm.

"No, I'm not pregnant." I said, shaking my head, trying to control my voice. "I stole some birth control potions from Madame Pomfrey."

"You know, cutting yourself off from everybody wasn't the right thing to do." Remus said, running a hand through his hair.

"Well, I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone and I didn't want anyone to know anyways." I replied, dropping my head into my hands. "I mean, if I had been stronger or smarter or, I dunno, something, maybe it wouldn't have happened."

"Hey, don't you dare for one second blame yourself for what happened." Sirius said, firmly. "It is not your fault."

"Yeah, I mean, if you tried to walk way and he attacked you from behind, well, you couldn't help what happened." James added, nodding.

"So, what happens now?" I asked, looking at them.

"I dunno, I guess we just have to get you better." Remus said, with a shrug. "Listen, no more of this skipping meals and sleeping through classes, okay? And you need to start sleeping at night. I mean, this isn't healthy for you, what you're doing to yourself. Look, we'll help you, but you have to be willing to change, alright?" He added, and I nodded.

"Let's start with dinner." James said, unlocking the door. I hopped off the desk and followed James out.

We walked down to the Great Hall. People were already finishing and leaving, but I was glad. I didn't really want to be around a ton of people. James, Remus, and I walked in and headed for Gryffindor table. But then we heard shouting out in the Entrance Hall and I realized Sirius wasn't with us anymore.

"YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH!" Sirius was bellowing. He had Jon on the ground and was beating the shit out of him. I made a move to stop him, but both James and Remus held me back. I looked at them and they just looked on, a stony, yet satisfied look on both their faces. I could tell that they were sorry that they didn't get to him before Sirius. "HOW COULD YOU EVEN THINK OF DOING THAT TO HER?"

By now the teachers had come out and were trying to pull Sirius off of Jon. It took four of them just to get him off and two more to hold him back. He was still struggling and shouting obscenities.

"IF YOU EVER EVEN SO MUCH AS FUCKING LOOK AT HER AGAIN, I SWEAR TO BLOODY HELL I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!" He was still shouting as the teachers dragged him away. Jon looked much worse for the wear. He face was pretty bloody and I'm sure Sirius got him in a quite a few places. A couple of more teachers came forward and helped him up. They escorted him to the Hospital Wing.

"C'mon, Joie, let's go eat." James said, with the same stony expression on his face.

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Later that night I was trying to sleep, like I told Remus I would. But I couldn't. Not because of Jon; no, tonight it was because of Sirius. Finally, around one o'clock, I snuck up to the boy's dorm and eased the door open. I made my way across the room silently and came to stand at the side of Sirius' bed. He was still awake too.

"What are you doing up? You're supposed to be sleeping." He asked, looking up at me.

"I couldn't get to sleep." I replied, in a whisper.

"Here, hop in." He said, holding the covers open for me and scooting over. "What's on your mind?"

"You." I said, as I laid down next to him. He wrapped an arm around me and I rested my head on his shoulder. "I never got to thank you for kicking the shit out of Jon."

"No problem." He replied, with a quiet laugh.

"So, how bad did you get it?" I asked, looking up at him.

"A month's worth of detentions." He said, with a small smile. "But, don't worry, I didn't tell them what happened."

"I was more worried about what was going to happen to you." I said, truthfully. "I'm sorry you got detention because of me."

"I'm just glad they didn't suspend me." He said. "But, you know, it was worth it. If I've caused him one fraction of the pain that he's caused you, then it won't be a total waste. Besides, it felt good to see the look on his face as I beating him."

"I'm lucky to have a friend like you, Sirius, I really am." I said, snuggling into him.

"Yeah, you are." He laughed, kissing my forehead before resting his head on top of mine. I was surprised at how comfortable I was and how sleepy I was all of sudden.

My last thought before I drifted off was that I loved Sirius…but was I sure it was like a brother? Or was it more than that?

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