Ch. 11- Is It Love?

A/N: hey! Sorry it took so long to update, but the chapter I was working on took longer than I thought...I was having a bit of writer's block but that's gone now and I've finished and written a chapter and a half- go me! DISCLAIMER: Um, I'm not JK Rowling, in case you thought I was...and now here's the chapter...

No chance, no way
I won't say it, no, no

You swoon, you sigh
why deny it, uh-oh

It's too cliché
I won't say I'm in love

Meg & the Muses- Disney's Hercules

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Christmas came before I knew it and everyone but Sirius and I were leaving. Dad had to go to Australia for some business meeting with a new organization he joined and I couldn't go. He wouldn't tell me very much about it, only that it was a new group fighting Voldemort- the Order of the Phoenix. He was going to Australia to try and get more allies. So, I had to stay at Hogwarts. James offered me to come to his place, but I turned him down. I figured sometime to myself would be good. Sirius also turned James down. He said he had to catch up on homework, but I don't think he wanted me to be alone on Christmas.

"Okay, so, remember, you guys need to get those supplies from Slughorn's cupboard for our next prank." James said, as we stood in the entrance hall.

"Yeah, yeah, we know. Now, get going or you'll be staying here with us too." Sirius said, pushing him out of the door.

We walked back up to the common room. Sirius and I were the only two Gryffindors staying, so we had the whole tower to ourselves. Of course, we made good use of being able to have the good chairs on front of the fire and lounging on the best couches. Which all we did for the first couple days of break- lay around and talk.

"So, how's Susan?" I asked, one day. We were eating a bunch of candy and doing pretty much nothing.

"Oh, yeah, well we broke up about a week ago. Just before she left." He said, indifferently.

"That'll be a damper on her holiday." I said, smiling.

"Actually, she dumped me." He said, stuffing a chocolate frog in mouth.

"Did I hear right? Sirius Black got dumped?" I said, in mock horror. "What is the world coming to?"

"Eh, she said that I wasn't giving her the full amount of attention that she deserved. Something about me actually wanting to spend time with my friends instead of with her. Anyways, I was going to do it when break was over, she was starting to bore me." He said, shrugging. "I mean, I can only take so much of who's with who and what the current scandals are."

"Yeah, well, at least you don't have to try and go to sleep with those girls talking about worthless information like that." I said, rolling my eyes.

"That's the thing I don't like about most girls. All they want to talk about is gossip." Sirius said, shaking his head. "Guys don't care. That's one of your best qualities, the fact that you don't care either."

"Gee, thanks." I said, narrowing my eyes at him. It didn't have the desired effect, though. He didn't burst into flames; instead he burst into laughter. "What the bloody hell is so funny?"

"You. I mean, you really can't pull off that whole if-looks-could-kill glare thing." He replied, still laughing. I smiled, in spite of myself.

"Yeah, well, I've always been more partial to the finding your foe's weakness thing anyways." I said, grinning evilly at him.

"Yeah, like you know what my weakness is. I have no weaknesses!" He proclaimed, defiantly.

"Oh really?" I said, and I flung myself on top of him and began to tickle him mercilessly. "Ha! What was that about no weaknesses?" I yelled over his shrieks of laughter.

"Sun…shine…stop…I'm… beg…ing…please…"He gasped in between laughs. "I…give in…you're… queen…of the…universe!"

"Well, since you've realized it." I said, stopping and getting up. I stretched and started across the common room to the portrait. And then, I felt something fly into me and knock me down.

"Now who's master of the universe?" Sirius asked, tickling me. I wiggled under his weight, trying to escape. "There is no escaping me!"

"Sirius…I can't…breathe!" I managed to say between giggles.

"I'm not falling for that!" He said, not letting up. But, then I really couldn't breathe.

"Sirius…I'm serious!" I said, still trying to get out.

"No! I am!"

"Sirius-" I gasped, and all of sudden he stopped.

"Your face is turning a violent shade of purple." He said, looking at me. He got up and then pulled me to my feet.

"I told you I couldn't breathe." I said, after I could speak again. "Truce?" I added, holding my hand out.

"Only for now." He said, shaking it.

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Christmas morning I woke up to find a pile of gifts at the foot of my bed. I smiled and got up to open them. Dad gave me a black leather bound photo album filled with pictures of mom in it. I flipped through it, looking at the three of us, so happy. I smiled and closed it. James gave me a wizard camera, so that I could take pictures myself, but warned me in the Christmas card that if I took a single picture of him he would destroy it. Remus gave me a gold locket in the shape of a sun with a recent picture of the four of us in it and an inscription on the other side: "We'll always be here for you, best friends through and through". Sirius gave me a lock box in the shape of a sun with five rays coming off of it. Each of the rays unlocked to a different box, so I could keep five times the amount of things in it. I got a big bar of Honeydukes chocolate from Peter. Hold on a second, I thought. I opened the locket that Remus gave me and studied the picture again. It had been taken only about a week ago- James was scowling at having his picture taken, Remus was smiling sweetly, Sirius had his arms wrapped around me, attempting to hug the life out of me while laughing at the camera, and I was laughing as well. But there was no Peter. I thought about it for a few minutes, but then shrugged it off, promising myself to talk to the guys about it later.

I washed up, got dressed, and went down to the Common room. Sirius was sitting on a couch in front of the fire, just staring into the flames. I smiled to myself- it wasn't often that I could sneak up on Sirius like this. I crept up behind him, wrapped my arms around his shoulders, and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He looked around at me and smiled.

"Merry Christmas." I said, walking around the couch and sitting down next to him.

"Right back at you, Sunshine." He replied.

"I love the lock box you got me." I said. "Merlin knows I have enough shit to fill it."

"Well, I'm glad you like it." He said, laughing. "Oh, and that dog bone was just what I wanted." He added, sarcastically, giving me a push.

"Yeah, well, men and dogs are all the same." I said, laughing too. "Makes for a great gag gift."

"Yeah, I'm sure it does." He said, darkly.

"Did you like my other gift?" I asked, giving him a sideways glance.

"Two words: Wicked Awesome!" He said, his face lighting up. "Where did you find a leather jacket like and more importantly, why are you spending money like that on me?" He added, shaking his head.

"Well, I found it in this magazine from this vintage shop. The moment I saw it, I knew I had to get it for you." I replied, smiling. "And you have no room to talk about spending money. Have you checked your presents to me the last few years?"

"That cause you deserve them." He said, and I rolled my eyes.

"And you don't?" I countered. I grabbed his hand and he looked at me. "Padfoot, after everything you've done for me, I should be your personal slave for all of eternity."

"Nah, it wasn't that big of a deal." He said, modestly.

"It was to me." I said, seriously. "This summer, with Jon…I owe you a lot."

"Not with Jon." He said, looking away from me.

"What do you mean?" I asked, confused.

"I wasn't able to stop him from hurting you. I wasn't there, I broke my promise." He said, softly. "I mean, I shouldn't have just let you shrug me off like you did. I should've done something."

"Sirius, there wasn't anything you could do." I said, quietly, rubbing my finger in circles in his palm.

"But that's just it!" He exclaimed, jerking his hand out of mine and standing up. He started pacing. "There should've been something I could've done! You should have never been hurt, but you were. And it's all my fault! I should have told you my suspicions earlier or tried to talk some sense into you. But I didn't. And look what happened."

"Calm down." I said, slightly alarmed by his sudden outburst. "Sirius, look at me, I'm fine now. Jon can't hurt me anymore and it's all in the past. It's not your fault, it's mine for not realizing how possessive and insane he really was. I should've told you guys from the start what was going on, but I thought I could handle it by myself."

"It just pisses me off so much! The fact that you got hurt and there was nothing I could but stand there and watch." He said, still pacing. "I mean, I was so worried about you, but I didn't try too hard to convey that. I didn't know what to say to you and I hated that feeling. And then when we intervened and I couldn't come closer then five feet from you, it just tore me up."

"I'm sorry," I said, quietly, looking down. I had caused them so much pain. I didn't even really deserve to have them back.

"Hey, I don't blame you." Sirius said, kneeling down in front of me, lifting my chin up until we made eye contact. "I blame that sick son of a bitch."

"That's the thing," I said, wondering why I was lucky enough to have him, "you should blame me. I hid the truth from you guys, my best friends, and I hurt youin a way that I never thought I could. I wasn't a very good friend and I don't deserve you guys, I really don't."

"Don't say that, because you do deserve us. We're here for you, in the good times and bad, through sickness and health, till death do us part." He said, and I couldn't help but smile.

"Now you sound like we're getting married." I said, and he laughed.

"Well, it's along the same lines." He said, shaking his head. "Okay, enough of this drama, it's Christmas!" He exclaimed, pulling me to my feet. He then proceeded to spin me around the Common Room, singing Christmas carols at the top if his lungs. I joined him and we had a wonderful time just goofing around.

Later that day, we went outside and had a snowball fight. We built forts and made as many snowballs as possible. Then it was a full-fledged war. I won, of course, because I was quicker on my feet. And I happened to be a great dodge ball player. This was really no different- only it was cold, wet snow instead of hard balls.

Afterwards, we headed back upstairs and got cleaned up. We enjoyed a nice Christmas dinner- the only other students there were a couple of Ravenclaw third years, a Hufflepuff fourth year, and Snape, along with the faculty. Dumbledore was very entertaining in his sombrero and Sirius and I had each gotten big black top hats- you know the kind that are five sizes too big for your head.

Then we just hung around the Common Room, playing card games. I'd taught him how to play speed, trash, and Texas hold 'em. So, we whiled away the time playing until about midnight. By then, I was tired.

"Alright, well, I'm heading up to bed." I said, standing and stretching, before starting towards the girls' dorm.

"Hey," Sirius said, suddenly and I spun around. He walked towards me and stopped just inches from me. He cupped my chin with his forefinger and thumb before placing a soft kiss on my lips. It shouldn't have been breathless, but somehow it was. "Merry Christmas, Sunshine." He added, glancing upwards. Then he walked up to his dorm. I just stood there for a second and then I looked up.

Mistletoe.

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I didn't know what had happened, but over the next few days I felt strangely awkward around Sirius. What did that kiss mean? Did it mean anything? Why did I care? Why was I thinking about this so much? And why the hell was it driving me insane?

Then about five days later it hit me. I don't know why I didn't realize it earlier. I mean, it's probably been painfully obvious and why not? I'm not the world's most subtle person. In fact, I bet everyone but me knew it. I had fallen fast and hard for Sirius Black, my best friend.

But had it been all that fast? I mean, maybe I'd loved him all this time; I just hadn't known it. And I mean, who wouldn't fall head over heels for him? I'm sure every girl in Hogwarts had. But there was difference between them and me- I couldn't do anything about it. He was my best friend and I highly doubted that he felt anything more than that for me. Besides, it would only complicate things. What would happen if I fell out of love with him or if we broke up? Things would be extremely awkward and we would have a ruined friendship.

So, I did the only thing I could- nothing. I would be kinda miserable, but at least I would still have him as my friend.

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