Chapter 5

"Done."

Elizabeth clenched her teeth and focused her thoughts on the words in front of her. A few seconds later, she flipped the page and began reading. She was halfway through the opposite page when Rodney informed her that he was finished and that she should continue onto the next.

"I'm not finished yet, Rodney." Elizabeth said, forcing calm into her thoughts and her voice.

"Oh." Rodney sounded surprised. "Uh. I thought you would be by now."

Elizabeth smiled—it was more a baring of teeth—and forced herself to concentrate on the page in front of her. She had lost her place. Sighing, Elizabeth scanned the page, trying to figure out where she left off.

"You were on the third paragraph from the top." Rodney told her helpfully. Apparently, though, he couldn't help but add, "It's amazing how slow you read. I thought that you, of all people, would be done reading by now. It's not like this book is rocket science or anything like that. I mean, come on, it's… wait, what are we reading again?"

Elizabeth clenched her teeth and forced her thoughts to remain calm.

"Pride and Prejudice." She growled through gritted teeth.

"Really? That's what we're reading? God, no wonder I can get through it so fast."

"I happen to find it relaxing." Elizabeth informed him, knowing she was loosing the battle on keeping calm. Rodney was her best friend—hell, he was closer to her than any other friend she had ever had—but he was also the only one who could drive her absolutely shrieking mad.

"Relaxing? It's written on, like, a sixth grade level! And what happens in it? Absolutely nothing! People get the wrong idea, they get the right one, they get married. That's it."

"Which is why I happen to find it relaxing."

"Come on, Elizabeth. Can't you read something even a little more exciting?"

"Exciting?" Elizabeth snapped before she could stop herself. She took a deep breath and, after making sure her thoughts were firmly her own, she continued. "Rodney, we live exciting. I don't know what you read after a near-death experience out there in Pegasus, but while I'm waiting here in Atlantis wondering if you are alive or dead or worse, I am on the verge of having a bloody coronary. And after a day like that, exciting is the last thing I want to be reading and so I read this. And as long as you're stuck in my head, you're going to read it or stop complaining. Got it?"

"Yes." Rodney squeaked meekly. Elizabeth sighed—she hated playing the "I'm the boss so pay attention" card, but sometimes with Rodney that was the only way to get him to pay attention.

"Good." She said wearily and she sat back against her pillows to finish reading the chapter. She was just finishing the page she had been trying to read for the past several minutes when Rodney's voice rang inside her head.

"Done."

Elizabeth screamed and flung her book across the room, watching it hit the far wall and fall, thunk, to the floor. She sat back against her pillows and crossed her arms across her chest, glaring at the novel lying like a broken bird on the floor.

"That's it, Rodney. We're going to bed." She growled. "And I swear to God, if you say one more thing to me tonight, I'm going to find a way to rip you out of my head myself. Understand?"

No answer.

"Rodney!"

"Yes, dammit, I understand!" Rodney shouted and Elizabeth felt a flush of embarrassment—definitely not her own. She sighed, but made no comment. Rodney would just have to deal with it tonight. She'd talk to him in the morning.

"Good. I'll talk to you in the morning, Rodney."

"'Night." Rodney mumbled shortly and Elizabeth sighed. She pushed unneeded pillows aside and snuggled underneath the covers, still fully clothed. Rodney had gotten nervous enough when she had changed into her clothes. The man would probably have a heart attack if she tried changing out of them.

Elizabeth felt another rush of heated embarrassment when the thought crossed her mind and she knew she had been right.

Hate boiled up within her, a rage so deep she thought she would burn from the inside out. It engulfed her, made her shake with the force of it, made her skin flush. But more than that, she felt terror—a terror so great she thought that her entire body had turned to ice. She thought she was going to be sick, the heated rage and frigid terror filling her body like a storm from Hell. It filled her, twisted her insides until she hurt, filled her with blind panic. She wanted to cry, to scream, to kill. She had never been so terrified in her entire life, nor had she ever been so angry. It bubbled inside her, made her stomach twist until she saw stars in front of her eyes…

Elizabeth bolted up in bed and threw off the covers. Running across the room, she only just made it to the bathroom before she fell to her knees on the cold floor and vomited into the Atlantean toilet. She threw up again and again until there was nothing left inside of her and she could only dry heave. When there was nothing left—not even a dribble of saliva—she sat back against the wall across from the toilet. She felt cold all over, like she was sick, and she shivered violently. She still felt sick and probably would have thrown up again if her body had had anything left to give up.

Elizabeth pressed a cold, clammy hand to her forehead and pushed her hair out of her eyes. She was still shivering and she couldn't remember feeling this bad since the last time she had gotten the flu—not long after the whole Genii-trying-to-take-over-Atlantis thing.

That simple thought—the briefest mental mentioning of the Genii—brought back a rush of emotions and Elizabeth took deep breaths, trying to keep her stomach under control. Dry heaving was not one of her more favorite pass-times and if she could avoid it, she most certainly would.

Of course, at this point she knew it wasn't up to her.

Her heart was still pounding when Elizabeth struggled to her feet and stumbled over to the sink. She cupped her hands beneath the cold-water spout and splashed herself in the face a few times, trying to clear her head and push away the last horrid dregs of Rodney's nightmare.

Not quite trusting her stomach to keep calm, Elizabeth backed herself against the wall again so she could slide to the floor. She sat there in the clothes she had been wearing the day before and was suddenly too hot. She rolled up her pant legs to her knees and thought about stripping off her shirt, but decided not to torture Rodney any more that night.

Beside, that had been one hell of a bad dream.

Elizabeth tried to form his name, but her lips were dry and the inside of her mouth felt like it was stuffed with cotton balls. She swallowed a few times and tried again.

"Rodney?" she asked, her voice coming out in a dry croak. She wondered why she was speaking out loud at all—he could hear her thoughts. Maybe it was just more comforting to hear her own voice after such an… experience. "Rodney?"

At first, there was no answer. There wasn't even any emotion. She just felt alone and cold, shivering on the bathroom floor.

"I'm sorry."

Rodney's whisper was so faint that even inside her own head she could barely hear it. She felt it more than heard it, anyway, like a soft breeze blowing a stray hair across her face—except it was on the inside of her head. It was still a weird feeling, but right now it was the nicest thing Elizabeth had ever felt… heard… whatever.

"Rodney, please don't." Elizabeth said, her voice still quiet and raw from throwing up. She leaned her head against the wall and closed her eyes. "Are you okay?"

There was a long silence.

"Are you?" he asked finally, his voice sounding heartsick and broken. Elizabeth shivered again—her emotions mixed with Rodney's left her feeling cold and empty and so tired she thought she could simply pass out on the cold bathroom floor.

"No." She told him quietly. She would never get a straight answer from him if she lied. "Rodney, what happened?"

"It was just a nightmare." Rodney said, his voice beginning to take on the familiar edge. "I'm sorry you had to—"

"Rodney," Elizabeth interrupted shortly. "I wish you would stop lying to me. Nightmares don't make someone throw up."

There was no reply, but Elizabeth could feel Rodney's emotions: sadness, embarrassment and cold resignation.

"Listen, Rodney," Elizabeth sighed, "who knows how long you and I will be like this? It could be a few more hours or it could be… longer. But in either case, we can't keep lying to each other about things that could hurt the other person. And, forgive me for sounding harsh, but I think I have a right to know about a nightmare so terrible it makes you sick, especially when I'm the one who's going to be throwing up every night."

There was another long pause and Elizabeth wondered if Rodney would ever answer her. It was strange how a man so talkative could suddenly become so silent when trapped in an uncomfortable situation. The stranger thing was he had been in situations a hell of a lot more uncomfortable and had talked the ear off anyone who would listen.

"It's not every night." He said finally, quietly. Elizabeth bit her lip. Now she was getting somewhere, but she was not going to push him. She could feel Rodney's emotions and she knew right now that he would be having more fun at the dentist getting teeth pulled than having his boss delving into his deepest, darkest fears. "So you don't have to worry about that."

"Okay… Rodney, can you tell me? Maybe I can help." Elizabeth offered. She had to admit to herself that this was as much for selfish curiosity as it was to help her best friend. She had a feeling Rodney knew it, too. But then, who was he to complain about selfish curiosity?

"Touché." Rodney mumbled in her head. He sighed heavily. "Well, do you want to go back into the bedroom? This might take a while and I want you to be comfortable at least."

Elizabeth was surprised by his concern. It wasn't often that Rodney McKay went out of his way to make other people comfortable and hearing him say such things now was a bit startling—and rather touching.

"Hmph." Rodney grunted. "Don't get used to it. You said to be honest and I am. But if you keep having these physic contemplations about me then I'm going to stop."

Elizabeth smiled as she struggled to her feet. Rodney's voice was still solemn and subdued, but at least he was regaining his comfortingly familiar sarcasm and snark. Elizabeth much preferred that Rodney McKay—it was the Rodney McKay she knew.

Tottering slightly on still-shaky legs, Elizabeth made it to the bed and sat down on the mattress. She pulled her feet up and sat cross-legged on the edge of the bed, sitting still as she waited for Rodney to continue. When he didn't, Elizabeth decided to prod a bit.

"Rodney," she began quietly, "will you tell me what this dream is about?"

"Nightmare." Rodney corrected shortly. "I will never categorize that as a dream."

Elizabeth nodded in understanding.

"Nightmare, then."

"God, I feel like I'm talking to Heightmeyer again." Rodney mumbled to himself. Elizabeth raised an eyebrow.

"Again?"

"Um… I mean… again as in… um, when we—you—spoke to, with, her earlier. Today. Today was my… er, first time. Only. 'S'what I meant." Rodney said, slurring his words a bit at the end as his voice dropped back into a near-unintelligible mumble. "Um, what were we talking about?"

"Your nightmare." Elizabeth reminded him. She wasn't letting him off that easily.

"Oh." Rodney sounded disappointed that she remembered. "Right."

"Rodney, if you don't want—"

"No, no. You're right that you have a right to know—as long as I'm in your head, anyway." Rodney took a deep breath and Elizabeth felt her heart flutter with Rodney's discomfort. She waited patiently and when Rodney spoke again, his voice had reverted back to its quiet gravity.

"My nightmare isn't so much a nightmare as it is a… a memory. And definitely not a good one." Rodney talked slowly, as if speaking the words were painful. But Elizabeth remained silent and Rodney seemed willing to continue, because he did just that. "I… I keep having nightmares about when the Genii came to Atlantis."

"Oh, Rodney, that's natural." Elizabeth said soothingly. "That was a stressful time for everyone. I still have nightmares sometimes, too."

"Not like these ones." Rodney said quietly and Elizabeth had to admit that he was right. She had never had a nightmare so terrifying it made her vomit. She waited patiently and surprisingly, Rodney continued without being asked. "These are… do you remember when Sora took you to get that Wraith device? When I was left with Koyla?"

Elizabeth felt a chill descend upon her—and she knew it was her own emotions now. She had never forgiven herself for leaving Rodney alone. She had been horrified to see he had been bleeding, and it had taken all of her power not to punch Koyla in the face for it. Luckily, she hadn't, or else he probably would have shot her regardless—along with Rodney, no doubt.

"You wanted to hit Koyla? For me?" Rodney asked, sounding surprised. Elizabeth smiled slightly, for Rodney's brief happiness warmed her from the inside. She nodded and Rodney seemed to perk up even more. "Really?"

"Really, Rodney." She said quietly. "But you were saying?"

"Oh. Right." Rodney seemed a little less hesitant now that he had heard Elizabeth's confession… or rather, her mental one. She didn't mind—she knew he could hear her thoughts and if she really hadn't wanted him to know, she guessed she could have kept it to herself. "Um, well, after you left Koyla asked if… I had a plan. I told him, but not before…"

Rodney coughed inside her head and Elizabeth thought it odd that he had to clear a throat that didn't technically exist at the moment. But she supposed that old habits were hard to break and she wouldn't hold it against him. It sounded like this was hard enough for him as it was.

Rodney took a deep breath and Elizabeth could picture him as if he stood before her—saw him stand straighter with his shoulders back and his head held high proudly, trying to look more confident than he actually felt.

"The cut on the arm wasn't the worst thing he did to me." Rodney said and his voice was suddenly very matter-of-fact. Elizabeth grimaced mentally—he only spoke like that when something went monumentally wrong. The man chuckled dryly. "Actually, that was the first thing they did. Hurt like hell, but it wasn't… well, you'll be happy to know that it wasn't enough to make me tell them about the plan we had."

Elizabeth wondered why he said "we". It had been entirely his idea—well, his and Radek's. She had had nothing to do with it. Whether or not he heard her thoughts, he continued as if he hadn't.

"What they did after that…" Rodney voice cracked and he took another deep breath. "Well, when they realized that I wasn't going to… er… break by physical threats to me, they decided to try threatening the people I knew. And that's why… that's when I told them."

Elizabeth was quiet a long time, but Rodney must have heard the thoughts going through her head because he quietly answered her unspoken questions.

"Koyla wasn't a stupid man. He knew I had more imagination then was good for me. He knew I could fill in the blanks for myself, but he was… nice enough to fill them in for me." Rodney chuckled—a cold, harsh sound. "Graphically. I could picture it then, and sometimes when I sleep… I can see what he would have done to y—what he would have done."

"Oh, God, Rodney." Elizabeth breathed. "I had no idea…"

"I know." Rodney said quickly, obviously embarrassed. "Look, I would really appreciate it if… if you wouldn't… you know, tell anyone. If it got out that the great and wise Rodney McKay was having nightmares about something that had happened nearly a year ago, well… let's just say certain people would probably have a field day with it."

Kavanagh, Elizabeth thought bitterly. Rodney chuckled again—it was still a dark sound, but at least now there was a little more humor in it.

"My thoughts exactly. Well… yours, I guess… you know what I mean."

Elizabeth smiled.

"I do, Rodney. Are you feeling better?"

"Much." He lied. Elizabeth knew it was a lie, but she didn't comment on it, nor did Rodney comment on the fact that he knew she knew.

"Good." Elizabeth said quietly. "Perhaps now we can get some sleep."

"Good idea." Rodney said. "And Elizabeth?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

Elizabeth smiled.

"That's what friends are for, Rodney. Remember that."

There was no answer, but Elizabeth knew that, despite his silence, Rodney was always listening.